Welcome to my blog. I'm afraid it won't be updated too frequently, as I only write when moved to write. These are a group of my poems, as written through the often difficult trek of the past nine months (at present) of my life.
I hope they speak to you and somehow reach the chords of your life, and that God will bring you through as He without doubt is doing to me.

God bless you.
~Jane Johnson,
August 14th, 2010

Thursday, December 30, 2010


This may well sound very cheesy, but. :P I wrote it on a whim, and I like it, and OYAN likes it, so I share it. :P

They say I don't know how to love.
Maybe they're right and it's true.
I only know that I'd leave behind
My lifestyle and people for you.

You came into my life and I really can't say
How exactly you came to be,
The sub-king of my heart and the love of my soul,
But the master you are of me.

I never owned lord or master before
Or ever brooked reign o'er my heart.
You came and silently took over control,
All that I've needed, thou art.

It's funny the only thing I want from life
Is only your wife now to be.
To bear, raise your children with you by my side,
To pay back all that you've been to me.

The simplest and most used words I can say
Have been used and abused much before.
I love you from the depth of my heart,
I love you right in from the core.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

With Last Christmas Pounding...

Fighting a battle and a war is raging,
A battle for my soul is staging,
Trying to run, trying to flee,
Trying to come back and find the true me.
I can't find me until I've found God.
Yet I never listen - isn't that odd?
Stubborn, don't learn from my past mistakes,
Beating my own course with whatever it takes.
Driving on through pain and fear,
Causing more each passing year.
So much of my life has been wasted;
Who would care if I finished up and take it?
I know now what a fool I've been,
The path is closed, I can't go back again.
Stretching out hands in misery,
As I cut off those who would help me.
Blind, destroyed, lost and confused,
The darkness leaving my soul bemused.
Is it them that go or me that leaves?
The circumstances trigger the memories.
Fleeing and running, I still carry on,
Trying to return, living a time bomb.
Waiting for the explosion beneath,
And who's gonna be there to catch me, to catch me...


It's Jesus, He is always there.
It's Jesus, within sound of a prayer.
Jesus is waiting to take you in His arms,
With those blood soaked hands that you fought so hard.
It's Jesus Who turns your darkness to light,
It's Jesus Who reaches into your night.
It's Jesus you're fighting so hard to flee,
It's Jesus Who still loves, still loves me...

It's Jesus Who has taken your life's explosion.
It's Jesus Who saved your soul from it's implosion.
It's Jesus Who with breaking heart,
Reaches out to heal and give you a new start.
Why am I running so hard away...
I claim to want one thing, but my actions say
That I'm pushing You out with everything I am.
I can't take the pressure and down more slams.
I push to see how much they care
They can't take it and go somewhere.
So I shove away those that would betray me,
Including those that still love me.
Hiding, running from the deathly pain.
The feelings all dry and I can't feel again.
Amazing how I can't control those walls -
The pain so deadly, I killed it all.
Didn't mean to kill all love through as well,
But to love again would invite pain like hell.
Battering down pain as friends leave like snow,
Love joy and trust so quickly go.
In this whirl of emotion, I find I've lost
My Christ-centred goal, at a terrible cost.
Where am I going? My God, can You see
Can You even now reach me?

Another Brick in the Wall

Yesterday, I called an end to a rapidly deteriorating friendship which had been long and beautiful for two years. This is my goodbye poem to my once close friend and dear big brother, Alex/Magos Kasen.

I wish you knew how much I miss you.
How much I really care.
How much I miss what we once had
And wish you were still there.

I'm sorry that I let you down,
That I let us drift apart.
I'm sorry that time has eased away
Our sibling love in hearts.

I'm glad to see life treating you kind,
Glad your love succeeds.
Glad to see you need me no more,
Though - come back - my heart pleads.

I know it's best we drift apart,
Let our lives split asunder.
Though I'll always regret that our seperation
Was caused by my huge blunders.

For you have to admit, I've lost everything
That once made me dear to you.
And my stubborn pigheaded ways
Means you can't pull me through.

So let's exchange a mutual hug,
Though I swear I'll shed more tears.
Another scar added to my collection
As you vanish in a mist of years.

Jane Johnson,

Wednesday, December 22, 2010


Curled up
Hiding from

Watching them
A family tableau,

Wondering why
Nothing changes.

Wondering why
It all hurts
So bad.

All alone
By choice

Wanting change
Uncertain how

All friends,
Giving up,

Curling up,
Turn away.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Baby Dear

From your cradle comes a choked wail,
And I hurry to your side.
Hanging over your cradle, I murmur
Soothing sounds and hushing noises.
Mommy wakes and sleepily asks
If she should rock you, or whether I will.
I reject her proposal and bend down,
Scooping you into my arms.

The only thing I hate about rocking you
Is that you will scream incessantly down my ear.
And it leaves an unmusical ringing
For quite a while afterwards.
But when you are quiet and only
Making those wheezing breaths as you
Recover from your violent screams,
I look down on you and marvel.

Those tiny fingers that waved so frantically,
Grabbing fistfuls of my shirt to hold me;
Or else, they wave around in the air
Until they randomly lay hold of my fingers,
And then they curl tightly round them
Dragging mine with yours on their wandering way.
Those tiny hands, so small against mine.
Those incredible perfect fingers.

I love the feel of your velvet skin
When you lay your cheek against my neck.
I love the softness of your hair
When you burrow your head under my chin.
I love the way your body snuggles
As if it were made to fit against mine.
I love how you curl up in my arms
Totally vulnerable, helpless - and unconcerned.

There's only two thing I hate
About holding you strongly in my arms.
You arouse feelings in my body and heart
That I never knew were there.
And you make me love you, you helpless darling
With every passionate protective chord in me.
When you turn your head, seeking nourishment
I cannot provide; how I hate that I cannot do it.

Even though I'm not your mother;
I'm only your auntie who dearly loves you.
But, Ayanna, I would gladly do
Anything I could that would help you.
Little princess, my heart lies captive
In your baby embrace and your wandering eyes.
I can barely wait for the day when
I hold you in my arms, and you know me.

Saturday, December 18, 2010


It's funny how like a little girl
I feel when walking down the street.
Skipping with my arm tucked in Daddy's,
And a skirt reaching to my feet.

We both stroll happily together
Through biting chill and shops.
He gives me a £10 note,
I give a happy cry, hug and hop.

Although we often don't get along
I adore the times we do.
Daddy, you love by giving to me;
I know I'm horrid, but I do love you.

Walking along all wrapped up warm,
My hair tied back in a bun,
Daddy's wearing his big bear coat,
I've glasses and no makeup on.

It's funny how safe I feel inside
How happy and little-girl I can be,
When I don't feel I have to impress;
Caused by dress, and Daddy and me.

I stood carolling in the shopping centre,
While Dad nipped in to "the boys",
Holding the shopping and singing along,
Heart chords touched by Christmas joy.

He asked if I had room to eat
One of Gregg's marvellous sausage rolls.
I laughed, and said of course I can!
I just can't eat one whole!

We stepped inside the shop and we
Ordered one from the tired shop man.
He barely looks up as he wraps it in
A bag as quick as he can.

He hands it over the counter and
With a smile, I catch his eye,
Wish him a happy Christmas,
And to my surprise, he nearly cries.

His worried expression relaxes as
He glances to both of us,
With a softened face, he gratefully says,
"And to you - God bless."

My dad returns the blessing and
We set out for the car park near.
Jauntily happy as we walk along -
Glad God used us to give Christmas cheer.

It's funny how different I feel,
As later that night I replace
My long skirt with a knee length one,
And apply makeup to my face.

As I pull on my military shirt,
Adjust my corporal's stripes,
Slip into my parade shoes,
And get ready for the night -

I learn to deal with security,
Incompetance and fear.
The loss of three of my best friends;
Isolated and backbitten here.

My failings are held to open scorn,
My false dealings against the Light -
The Light I held forth for so long
Will be mocked because of me tonight.

Independent, I stride out,
I fight to cover my faults.
Withdrawing from the pushy crowd
Faintly fighting each religious assault.

It's funny to see the difference in girls.
One little girl, safe and secure.
The other one independent and strong,
Making walls as defences get fewer.

Which one was I meant to be?
Can't live the first all my life.
So I need to stand out there and get
A grip with daily strife.

Oh God, make me what I once was!
Help me to strive to be
The witness for Thee I once dreamed
That Thou didst destine me!

Ending Love

Heart breaking beneath my smile,
I wonder why you took a while
To realise I was in love.

Then when you saw, you turned away.
It wasn't possible today,
You can't return my love.

The deepest inner pain you cause
Without thought, cause the strong force
Ensures I'm snared in love.

You've gone away without goodbye,
I thought you wouldn't leave my side.
And now I start to kill,
To aim the knife with broken soul,
And stab down to kill, to kill my love.

Jane Johnson

*inspired by a friend's romance

Thursday, December 09, 2010


Since this touched the friend I wrote it for...I think I will post it here. :) God bless!

Teach me what it's like to be lonely...
Tell my heart what it is to have its sigh unknown.
Show me how to lean on myself and God,
Teach me how to be alone.

Help me understand what singleness means
How to fill the gap in my broken heart.
Enable me to reach out for God...
Help me to stand apart.

Crying, wounded, aching, alone
I turn and reach out in the stillness.
My hand connects with warm empty space...
And I somehow learn to grieve less.

Teach me what it's like to be lonely,
Tell my heart what it is to have its sigh unknown...
I reach out to the spiritual and grasp the Hand of God...
Someday....I won't be alone.

Wednesday, December 08, 2010


It is marvellous to see
I can still pretend so perfectly!
Making new friends and laughing again
Hiding away my heart of pain.
Offering encouragement and words to bless,
Showing them strength and happiness;
Who can guess what lies beneath?
The scars and wounds and ugly grief?
My pillow is no longer wet at night,
As I start out on my brand new life.

I pull those near who lean on me,
And push away those who my mask see.
I live a life that I pretend,
Giving life, love, joy right to the end.
I turn my heart to search for God,
And wonder why my soul feels odd.
It's like it's gone and withered away,
I wonder if it will come back today.
For hiding the pain of the past for tomorrow,
Has made me shy from too many sorrows.

I've made them promises I can't keep -
Alone without God holding me on my feet.
I've promised to be there, not to leave them alone,
As long as God permits, to share their groans.
How long can I withhold myself
And reach their hearts while keeping mine on a shelf?
To love and withhold, to support and not be,
To stand there a lie for someone else to see.
I share your joys and tears and pain;
But don't push me to share my heart again.

For it's quite funny, how easily
People believe the mask that they see.
They want to believe that you're faithful and true
But can't see the sorrows that pulled you through.
We need people to lean on but deny the power
That makes you run to them in your lonely hour.
So vulnerable, hurt so visibly
So tender and confused as you turn to me.
I reach out gently to hold your hand...
But withhold myself as I start to stand.

Tuesday, December 07, 2010


Disclaimer: The emotion is taken from my past, with a view into other people's lives; I have none that this is from or for.

As the earth needs the sun,
As the tides need the moon.
As the young plants need the rain,
So my heart needs you, beloved.

As the wind smashes the sail of my boat,
As the roaring waves crush my frail bark,
Your steadfastness pulls beside me.
There for me to lean on.

As I aim to a Heavenly goal,
As I flounder in the rush of life.
Your quiet stability is there
To turn my heart back to its vision.

I lean on Christ the Rock -
Yours is the hand to guide me;
To fasten my hand to the rope
To pull me out of the crashing waves.

As the winter comes every season,
As the frost coats the trees with ice,
As the ferns are laced with delicate beauty,
So I am to you, beloved.

I refuse to admit my need of you.
I will not let you come close to me.
I push away the hand holding mine to the Rock,
For fear that you are not there.

As the shadows dance and vanish,
As the vapour condenses,
As the wind whistles and is gone,
You are a wraith that will vanish.

Can you love me through the pain?
I constantly try to be rid of you.
Your hand still reaches out
Can you reach in and touch my heart?

As the flower reaches for the light,
As the earthling stretches for Heaven,
So my frail earthenware vessel
Turns to you for support.

Like a leech on warm flesh,
Like claws latched in a death grip,
So I call for you and refuse
To let go, and yet I push you away.

Like the sun, constant and warming,
Like the rain, refreshing and new,
Like your Saviour, ever loving,
So you gently love me still

Why don't you turn from me?
Why does your love stay constant?
How can you care for me so tenderly
Healing my broken heart with your touch?

Is it possible that somehow
Beneath my conflicting self
You manage to see my damaged self
And sense how much I need you?

Oh, beloved. I do need you.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Family Chat

Sitting here,
Surrounded by laughter,
Family, finding something to laugh at
In the bitterness that comprises our lives.

Struggling to find
Joy in the path of life.
Forcing ourselves to make merry
Or else we'd be lost in a storm of tears.

The pain emcompassing
All of our lives.
Why do You take away
The few pitiful things that provide joy?

Battered up
Crushed against the rocks
Washed in by the oncoming tide,
Sweeping us around in gusts like flotsam.

We crawl into bed.
Which is the only respite from
The long pain and weariness of our dragging lives.

We don't grasp
Just why our lives
Are made so miserable and You
Take away everything that we start to love dearly.

Pointing out faults
Dealing with emotional injuries.
We will survive, somehow; someday, we'll be whole again.

Friday, November 26, 2010


Sitting here watching your face,
Watching you fight back the tears
As you hold your baby and your heart
Hidden close from your friends.

Aching for the pain you experience
So broken and smashed up from past relationships.
Trying to trust the man you love
Who is worthless and self centred.

Watching you look adoringly at your baby,
Through the agony you suffer inside.
Trying to make the right decisions for her -
Suffering emotional abuse.

She will go through this too...
You will suffer so much watching her suffer.
Go now, free yourself from the chains...
Or watch your baby grow up as scarred as you.

Emotions aren't everything, darling...
Let it go. It's not just you now...
Set your heart free...
And learn to heal.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010


Hurt me.
I don't care what you do,
But hurt me.
I rip back the skin, exposing my heart to your touch.

Lash me.
Snap back your whip and cut,
Deeply embedding it into my heart.
I can no longer stand the pain I am enduring.

A tiny burn
Hurts far, far more than a third degree.
Burn me deeply,
Cauterise this bleeding hole so that it hurts no more.

Cut me.
Crush my heart and smash it,
Break me down.
Level me to the ground and drag me through the dirt.

Speak cruelly.
Don't stay by me any more.
Go away.
Cut the cord and free me from my lasting pain.

Can't you see?
You say you want to help me.
Then help me.
By stabbing me so deeply this pain will hurt no longer.

Thursday, November 18, 2010


An empty shell, a hollow ball;
Inside, defiant, I stand tall.
Putting on a facade to fool, to seem -
I'm starting to recognise a greater need.

It grows larger with each passing day,
As I grow sicker of my own way.
I turn bewildered from hand to hand,
Wondering who to fight and where to stand.

I pick up the Bible, bemusement increase,
I see Christ must control, as to be I must cease.
Yet in several corners, raging battles go on -
Though it's already decided Christ the Victor has won.

I want to trust, but my fear is too great.
Can my heart squeeze through that narrow gate?
I want to give in, to surrender complete,
But the pain that will come pulls me back on my feet.

Why do we fight and refuse to draw near?
Why open our hearts to adversaries like fear?
Why allow pain to cause an oozing sore
Instead of trusting God through wounds so raw?

"Surely He can see!" our hearts cry.
"The last person to take any more must be I!
I can't cope with the fear, the pain and the stress -
Where are the promises of peace and to bless?"

It is only when we crumple in heaps of despair
That we realise He's standing in wait of a prayer.
At our faint full surrender to let Him take control,
He waits til we're nothing to heal our souls.

~ Jane, 18/11/10

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Letting Go

It took but a moment
As you stepped back well.
Now I've withdrawn
Way into my shell.

I remember a time
I grieved for friends lost;
Now I've learned to accept
The heavy cost.

People will come
As others go;
Don't learn to rely
They melt like snow.

Here today,
Tomorrow gone.
Life's like a breeze,
There's only one.

So don't hang on,
Don't cling to the past.
Put your memories away,
Don't let them last.

As long as you're needed,
There's a point hanging on.
When your lives seperate,
Let go 'cause there's none.

In phases of life,
You'll make new friends.
They come, backbite and go -
It's a passing trend.

So let go of your life,
Wave a cheerful goodbye.
Stand on your own feet -
And don't ever cry.

Saturday, November 06, 2010

Hold My Heart?

I want to cry and have no tears.
There's a heavy ache within my heart,
A sense of loneliness, even though I'm not longer empty.
A sense of missing something, of wandering in a mist.
A sense of isolation - I am alone.

I think it would be better if
I could stand there, face to face with someone
Who really and truly cares, and let out one long, loud
Earpiercing shriek. I'm tired of being misjudged, of being condemned
By one person's standards, permitted by another.

I want to scream out a wordless cry,
A howl of agony that would sound to the heavens.
I can think of nothing to say but the one name who has lived
Every single day since last October in my thoughts.
That name I am fighting to reject, to kill.

That empty hole that he has left,
Cauterised by the rejection and condemnation I received.
The use and abandoning of those who called themselves friends.
I know God is capable of filling and healing the wounds.
But it's more like I'm covering them with Him, not having them healed.

The scars left by the rejection,
By the deep and utter sense of isolation.
By the longing to reach out and trust someone,
And having it thrown back in my face.
I want to cry; I want to scream.

My scream is an animal howl -
My cry of tearless agony inside; I have no words
To voice what I wish to say, and I do not know
What I would say if I could. Where are You?
If only someone cared enough that I could break down and cry...

And cry...
And cry...
In their arms...
Without ever having to feel selfish...
Without ever having to feel like I'm taking...
Without ever being concerned about what they think...
Without ever having to hold myself back...
Without trying to retain some dignity...
Without holding onto my pride and their respect...

Is there anyone who could do that?
Anyone at all, who can deal with my grief?
No, because everyone, underneath, has scars of their own.
Everyone needs healing. No one is complete.
I can never take this from someone,
Without giving in return. Except for God.

Why are You not physical?
Why can't I feel Your arms around me, holding me close?
Why can't I sit on Your lap, knowing myself to be what I am,
And cry voicelessly until I have no more tears?
Why can't I feel You straining me tightly against Yourself?
Why can't I feel Your Hand stroking my hair, whispering words of reassurance and love?
Why can't I believe that You are there and that You do NOT judge me?

Oh God...have mercy...I am human.

Broken Relationship

Stop crowding me; stop pretending you care.
It's been way too long since you left me...
I know he needed all your love and attention.
I knew it and have known all along
That he needs way more than me.
I'm sorry I snapped under the strain and tension.
I'm sorry I gave way and added to your depression.
But I couldn't cope, with my own sorrow
And I couldn't reach you. You tuned me out.

I know why you didn't want me too close.
You'd been hurt by the guy who should've cared
Who should've loved you and held you
Guarded and lead your heart the way you needed.
Who should've been sensitive to your needs
And opened to God's direction to heal your marriage.
You are afraid of anyone coming close,
Knowing your sorrow and pain deeply again.
You're afraid to trust, afraid to be open to be hurt.

I understand so much. My sister and I...we're so much like you.
We're all three of us sensitive and emotional beings
Trying to be strong, fighting to get through life.
I denied I was like you so long, and even now
I like to think at times that I'm more hard than both of you.
I hope so; I hope I've learned the lessons from both of you
And spare myself from the same kind of pain.
Although in a strange way, I'm going through it myself...
And doing exactly what you did - I'm pulling away.

You hit me where it hurt without mercy.
I pulled back from you, and then of course - he took your attention.
He needed it - I've never argued that. Just sometimes
When it seemed like I needed and tried to reach out to you,
You were so distant, always thinking about him.
I pulled back, back to my friends...and got hurt by them.
But you aren't there...you weren't there.
Even now, when I try to share my interests and joys with you,
You always find something to criticise and condemn.

There's caution and there's a complete putting-down.
Why can't we find a level between the two?
Why don't we share any common interests, and why
Can't we enjoy the differences between our common interests
And encourage each other in them? After all, I don't condemn
Your interest and I do try to fake some kind
Of sharing pleasure in what interests you. But you're
Rarely willing to try and find something in mine without condemning.

Sometimes I can sense the desperate frustration as we
Try to find a way to communicate with all our barriers.
You want to reach me, and I want to reach you.
But we can't reach out through our mutual pain.
I daren't share my secret life with you - for you've condemned
And hurt me way too often before. I'm not willing
To be open to that kind of pain again. Can't you see?
You're built exactly the same way as me. We're the same!
We both - can't - face that pain again!

But right now, please...you can't force me to come back.
You pushed me away when I needed you most. And now
I need them. And they need me. Can't you see that?
We all have pain - and I can't help you. They can't help
What they do to try and ease that pain. How would you react
If you knew I'd done exactly the same? If you kick me
Away from them now, you will destroy the one thing that's left
That holds me to some level of humanity, to some softness.
I am so afraid of having to decide my life's fate right now.

But you're going to push me to it if you take away
My friends, the only ones who know me and still love me.
Who criticise and don't try to do it to hurt me,
Don't take them away. Or you'll push me even further.
Mom, listen to my heart by looking at your own.
I'm sorry things are like this. I'm so, so sorry.
And I know - I can never, never tell you how much
That God is using these friendships to help me,
Because I can never reveal my true self.

Stop trying to take them away.
Stop trying to force me to be what I cannot.
Stop trying to deal with me like you couldn't.
Try to understand.
Try to see me in you.
I'm so sorry it had to turn out like this.
I'm so sorry I turned out this way.
I'm sorry this can never be spoken aloud.
Oh Mom. I'd never dare to show you this.

Because we don't understand.

Sunday, October 31, 2010


One step forward and ten steps back.
Of faith in God is there a lack?
A refusal to follow Him complete
To trust Him with all my needs?
Yesterday now seems, oh, so black.
I took one step forwards and ten steps back.

One step forward, ten steps back.
The veneer of confidence begins to crack.
God shows idolatry, unforgiveness within;
He's convicting me of all my sins.
Fearing the mirror, I begin to run -
One step forwards means ten steps gone.

One step forwards and ten steps back.
A burden grows heavier as I'm laid on the rack.
Crucifying self is no easy thing;
To the foot of the Cross, my guilt I must bring.
Surrending all areas - I must - it's a fact.
Or it's one step forwards and ten steps back.

Jane Johnson

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Auf Wiedersehn

Why am I writing something grand
So people will want to read?
After all, who cares of the heart
That's scratching for words while it bleeds?
Who cares of the struggle to find a rhyme
To make it poetic and pretty?
Who cares of the agony that lies beneath,
That creates a nice little ditty?

A poem of friendship, a sad little story
A heartbreak lies beneath.
Grow up, will you, and see a soul,
Of pain and distrust and grief.
Look at me and see my soul
It's crawling, waiting to be kicked.
Just look down and aim the blow.
It's the waiting makes me feel sick.

Oh, come on. This was coming long ago.
Just open your eyes and see.
That the sheer patheticness of life
Is a cause of agony.
Sure, we should sit back,
Take pleasure and passivity with pain.
I'm sorry; I can't go through that.
Surely you see I can't do it again.

I'm a bundle of emotions I don't understand.
Mistrust, agony and fear.
Of wanting to go where I don't want to go,
Of learning to stop shedding tears.
I want all the pain to stop; I don't care how,
It will hurt when I kick the door shut.
Will it hurt if I leave it open more, than
If I slam it now and lock it up?

Open your eyes, my soul is before you.
I'm tired of playing with words.
Hear me now as I speak my uncertainty,
In no uncertain terms.
Would you see why I must hurt myself and you
In a battle I'd rather not undergo?
After all, a friendship's replaceable.
Let's just wave goodbye and let go.

Let go, never to talk any more.
Let go, never to chat.
Let go, never to know how life goes.
Somehow that seems, oh, so flat.
The pain and mistrust and doubt
Is something I can't cope with right now.
Trying to pretend everything's all right,
Makes it even worse, somehow.

So knowing we're doing a good shot
In the long run; to make it right.
We really ought to make up our minds,
And with a shaky goodbye, wave goodnight.
It's easier for future, for past and for now,
To let go before we get bitter.
Goodbye, dear friend, God bless, au revior,
I run away before you see my tears glitter.


The vibrant colours fade from the petals,
Brown holes grow as they start to die.
The golden leaves grow brown, then black;
Veins protrude as they wither and fly.
The trees release their heavy loads,
Lift their bare arms to the sky.
The earth looks barren, subdued and cold -
Its heart a reflection of mine.

Seasons come with sparkle and silence
Stealing a march to December.
Time and again, the summer is followed
By autumn to the year's cold embers.
Why does the spirit of man change so?
Why are we as fluctuating as weather?
Why does the first sign of grief or pain
Send us flying behind a shield of never?

Never again will I face this pain,
Never deal with it or learn to accept.
I know that if I don't take the pain
My growth will be stunted; my life a regret.
But I have dealt with induced pain before,
It took a year to heal the deep wound.
I can't take any more right now -
The scars from the last are too recent, too soon.

Sitting on the edge of the lake,
Watching the ripples on the surface,
Studying the intrinsicate beauty
Of leaves dancing a colourful race.
I remember that I have been saved
From a fate on earth worse than death.
But still hangs over my mind
The shining sharp blade; I catch my breath.

I'm trying the rock loud and heavy,
It's not working to ease the pain.
Oh no! God, please come and save me.
I can't stoop to that again.
The evil laughter from my past comes closer
Waves the image in front of my eyes.
"You went there; you can again,
Don't hide in a mock up of pride."

The wind rushes over my hair,
Blowing strands in front of my eyes.
A sunlight beam causes a glitter;
I look up in silent surprise.
I know God is standing there before me.
Somehow I didn't expect Him that near.
Nor did I think He'd come right now,
As I'm lost in my guilt and my fear.

I only have to look into His eyes,
So tender, so suffering in empathy.
And glance at the wounds in His hands and side...
And I can understand His agony.
He suffered in person and soul and mind
He went through all that He had to go,
To stop me from raising that glint edged knife
To prevent me from ever falling so low.

There's only the options of fighting my fear,
And stooping to torture myself once more.
But as soon as the chat screen opens out
Logic flees and emotions come rushing out raw.
I eye the knife and pursue the rock
And drench my pillow with tears at night.
There's only the options of block and delete,
Or suffering deeply and continuing to fight.

The autumn of friendship is waning fast,
The storm clouds roll rumbling overhead.
The gusts of wind strike the trembling leaves
Blowing them apart, into miniscule shreds.
The storms of life beat helplessly on
The one grounded solidly in the Rock of Christ.
I'm still insecure, still wandering back.
Still incapable of security, try as I might.

I know I should surrender my sorrow to Him,
My pain, my deep fear, my mistrust.
The autumn of friendship paces rapidly on,
The memories will soon fade to dust.
A close friendship can vanish and memories dim,
The person once so close become shadow,
This is the way I have chosen to go.
This is the way of tomorrow.

Monday, October 25, 2010

A Passionate Prayer

Lord, grant that I may be
A conduit; empty of self completely.
Take everything of myself away;
Fill me with You in Your entirety.

Pour Your Spirit upon me
Within me; fill me - fill me!
Teach me of Thyself, Thy glory and purity.
Lose me within the blessed radiance of Your presence.

Fix my heart and mind on You - guard them,
Enable me to do it! Teach me
And lead me in Thy ways. Bring me
To the point where I reflect only Your blazing purity.

Burn me with Your passion.
Cleanse me of my vile impurities.
Make me willing to put You - You Alone!
First in my heart and life above these wretched idols.

Lord, if only the better part of me -
The part which You have cleansed
And in which You dwell and control -
Would forever sway the entirety of my life!

I have run my life
Downhill, into failure, disappointment,
Dark gloom, deep despair.
Lord, take over the complete control!

If only my feeble tongue could express
The passionate longing of my heart
To be possessed by Thy Holy Spirit,
To follow You in the path of Your calling.

Gone is the desire for 'my' calling.
It is as dry dust in my mouth.
Any calling is a gift from Thee -
Never, never mine. For I am Yours, and the gift is Yours.

Lord, remove these idols from my heart
Which place the burdens, gifts,
Friends, passions, visions,
Before spending time revelling in Thy Word and Presence.

Take away my bitterness,
Hatred, arrogance, deep resentment, painful heart.
None of these reflect You, my Father.
I cannot dwell in the Light of Your Presence with them.

I am powerless to change myself.
I gave myself just as I am to You.
Only You can make me something.
Only You can burn the poisoned wound and make me in Your image.

Teach me how to love
With Your love; not the world's.
Teach me to love the unlovely.
Help me to love far beyond myself and for no motive but Thine.

I tried to change so often, but everytime,
I would climb four steps and fall back, ever deeper.
I thought I had to reach the acceptable level
Of sin, before You would reach to touch me.

Why could I not see that You only
Reach out to the vilest of the vile?
To the lowest of the low, to those who no longer
Have any hope, any faith, any love, anywhere to turn?

You humbled me, brought me to the knowledge
Of where I was when You brought me
Face to face with the lowest point of my highest standard.
A boyfriend for the queen of purity.

You showed me that where others had fallen
I could also go. I wept and hated myself
For I was not what I was - I had fallen.
I forgot to seek Your face, and had adopted false humility.

You brought a long lost friend
Back into my life. He showed me
That I needed not to change myself,
For that was impossible. I needed to love.

To love? How? I questioned over and over.
I could not understand. I still cannot.
I prayed for God to teach me how to love.
Not with my love, but with His love.

He brought people into my life
Who were going through almost exactly what
I had just passed through. The darkness,
The hatred, the despair, the poison, the influence.

I pitied, I wept, I identified. But
Not as myself. But as He. For He loves them.
And because of this, He enabled me to see them
Through His eyes. And I could also see me.

As dust, dirt and ashes. Vile, repugnant, intractable.
He sees the miniscule specks He created
But He pities our weakness, remembers we are dust...
And He loves us still, waiting for us to come - as we are.

I could not change myself. They cannot,
And they cannot see that God only wants the muck.
Until we are worthless, crawling heaps, and we
See ourselves as we are - He cannot use us at all.

In striving after Christ, Lord, never
Never let me be confident in self
Pretending that is of Thee. Let me always
Remember my weakness, constantly fleeing to Thy side.

Teach me how to show those whom Thou hast given to me,
With their vulnerable trust and their aching hearts,
Teach them Thy love. Ah Lord, I cannot still understand
How You brought me out. But teach them, that they might also return.

Help me to be open and honest with them,
To be cruel, yet kind, where they need a surgeon.
Give me the wisdom that is Thine to speak what I should.
Grant me the grace to be loving and patient.

Open my heart and mind to the knowledge
And experience and understanding of Your love.
Help me to see Thy pattern and to set
My own as mentor, mother, sister, supporter after Thine own.

Fill me with Your Holy Spirit.
Crush my pride of individuality, and
Possess me completely, to the point that no one
Can see me at all. Ever. But only Thy glory in me.

Make me willing to die to self, that
This crumbling monument to grace may
Be completely willing to kill its tiny individuality
To identify with the few and bear the weight of reflecting Thyself.

Lord, I do not just wish to reflect You
I want to be possessed of You that the world may know
That You are in me. That I am in You.
Explode Your love throughout my being, that I may love as You have loved me.

Lord, my words are feeble, and my fingers stumble
As I write these words. This impassioned plea.
I long to be dead to myself, the world, and sin.
Lord, use me as a feeble monument to Thy glory
That I may, in however tiny a way, be simply a pointer to Christ.

Friday, October 01, 2010


I'm not intellectual, logical, bright,
I've got an A Level, so that's all right.
But right now when talking to a friend who is lost -
For a brain like his I'd exchange a lot.

He makes me feel tiny, incredibly small.
Thick, stupid and clumsy, running at his call.
He understands books, logic, the universe.
But the way he sees it, it's all in reverse.

How can I show him? Oh, how can he see
A truth he denies - God's infallability?
Lord, why don't I have a brain to match his?
Instead of being me with a mind full of fizz?

His logic is awesome - his mind defies
The logic of logic, retaining it inside.
Trying to understand, I can't help but retreat
Can I carry on loving him? This won't him beat.

God is Love - therefore I love him, though coldness defies
How can I reach his too logical mind?
Can Love break a barrier? I don't understand.
For now, I am looking back down at the ground.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Starin' At a Solid Brick Wall

There's something good about a solid wall
Faintly patterned or blank and tall.
When you're sitting on the floor curled in a heap,
That wall just stands, doesn't make a peep.

Sitting with your arms wrapped tight around you,
Staring at the solidness that's quite blank too.
Feeling numb, while killing pain -
A pain that won't come back again.

I love staring at solid blank brick -
I want to get the walls of my heart that thick.
Tall, strong, powerful, it won't break.
Hopefully I'll learn to take the force that it takes.

A hurricane may come and smash the brick wall to dust.
I'll shrug and turn away from it; I'm not fussed.
I don't want a hard heart - I want it protected.
And surely my options can be selected.

"An' I just want for all of this to end." ~ Relient K

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Buildin' Those Walls

Buildin' those walls that are well founded -
Deep dug, solid built and very well grounded.
My heart is the centre of the citadel.
And it won't surrender after the last shell.

Aching hearts,
Crying tears,
Subdue that pain
Crush those fears!

One good defence is sarcasm,
An even better wall is cynicism.
I'm hurting myself; I can feel the ache.
I'm gonna kill this with whatever it takes.

Runnin' from you, hiding from pain.
I'm gonna build up these walls again.
Nothing's gonna get through - love nor hate.
Only one solid wall, you won't find a gate.

I still wanna be your friend -
Just don't pry cause I won't bend.
Get underneath and I will run away.
I've had way too much betraying today.

Getting tough is the defence I've gotta build,
Life will be better when the gaps are filled.
They won't be filled, but they will be covered -
When all the pain is finally smothered.

Sure, I got a long way to reach this end,
But then you see, there won't be pain again.
It's a long run, but the best there's to be.
Go away, I'm fine from now, leave me.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

What Next?

I wonder what will happen now.
Finally they have left. I am completely and utterly alone.
What course shall my life take now?
I am determined
In spite of all
That it will not follow the path it would have three days ago.

A change was being made -
I was starting to see light, joy and peace.
Now a further change has come -
Cutting me from
The hope gleaming within.
I will turn my back and carry on.

I will reap some measure
Of happiness and store up some tiny crumbs
And hope to lay them at my Master's feet someday.
How can I hope to follow
Living out of His will?
I will survive.

There is one who will stand
Heart aching for what I could have been.
But will stand irremovable.
Then THAT OTHER will
With calm cool sense
Put his arm over his shoulder and lead him away.

I knew this would happen. I saw it coming weeks ago -
The day he'd turn away.
And I would shrink back.
Now twin demons
Of resentment and bitterness
Peer from my hard eyes and set face.

The other will reassure him
He has done the right thing - cutting me loose.
If I hadn't enough willpower
To stay the course
Alone with God,
It was not his business. It's mine.

It's true! I laugh in defiance.
Because finally, I am alone.
Me and God.
What will happen now?
For now - I continue to live.
Day. To day. To day.

Goodbye, all friends.
Welcome, lonely emptiness.
I will teach myself never to trust again.

Saturday, September 18, 2010


Dedicated to Mikey and Taylor.

What is love, anyway?
Love is a tremendous force;
A power and might that sweeps all before it,
That changes the course of kingdoms, of the world.
That bends stubborn hearts and proud wills.

Love changes things.
It is self sacrificing.
It gives all for the sake of others and asks for nothing in return.
It lays down its soul and heart to be trampled on
Being broken and being willing to be broken again.

That is what I have seen and experienced
Of the power and might of love.
I understand its components
Its particles, its truths, its effects,
But I cannot understand it.

It never fails.
It forgives all wrongs suffered.
It doesn't remember wrongdoing.
It encompasses, surrounds, obliterates.
These are the verbs, not the nouns, of love.

I know it in my head.
I've seen it with my eyes.
I observe it with my knowledge.
I understand it with my intellect.
But my heart is cold, and I cannot absorb the fullness,
Or understand the passion - or be lost in the love.

This is love.
That God - is Love.

Oh God, give my eyes the grace to see
Thy Love in action around me!
Give me the heart, the passion to feel -
Make me Thy channel, Thy love to reveal.

~ Jane Johnson

Please read the poem of Kiehl - CivilWarDancer.
The Greatest Love

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Searching For Answers - Revised

Searching for answers - where lies the truth?
In the Scriptures I search to uncover the proof.
The commands are there - the barriers are not.
The lines must from my heart be begot.

Searching for answers - I struggle for truth.
I'm searching and someday I know I'll find proof.
The darkness drew me into sin and despair -
I know there's no answers in the guilt trip down there.

Blackness and guilt and sin covered me.
By and in the blood of Jesus, I know I'm set free.
His love surrounds me, His peace to still -
I'm right and at peace if I'm living in His Will.

Searching for answers - I must draw the line.
Using the facts shady paths to define.
I know this in my head - it must come to my heart,
Or else light and Truth once again will depart.

I wish I knew certainly the boundaries drawn;
Then there'd be no end to the jubilant dawn.
There is still fear lying deep in my heart -
That once more I'll stumble and the joy will depart.

Searching for answers. Searching for Truth.
Searching for God. In Him will be proof.
There's no answers in shady grey or the black.
I can't find them in white, but I know they won't lack.

Strong belief, sincere faith! Oh come, dwell in me!
Shine in my heart with light of eternity!
Wisdom, fill my heart, not my head, with thy truth.
Bring me to God, for in Him I'll find proof!

Searching for answers - in Him lies the Way!
I'll stumble when my faith fails - alack the day!
Oh God, keep me strong, make me true, keep me pure.
Heal my heart and its wounds - for Thou art the Cure.

There is little more I can say to explain.
I'm still trying to ease and get out of my pain.
But I know in my heart that God lives, reigns above -
When I believe - my heart will dwell in the shade of His love.

~ Jane Johnson

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Dried Up

A state of mindless numbness.
A lack of feeling.
Have my emotions reached such a pitch
That to cope with them, my mind has shut down?

Memory, once strong, fails.
Life, once beautiful, is black.
Hope and love and laughter
Is a fading, fleeting memory.
I forget as I face the darkness.

Empty - my heart.
Cold - my feelings.
Pain - my conscious emotion.
Deadened - my reaction to it.
Circular - my thinking.

Where did I change?
Where has my heart gone?
What lies ahead of me?
How did I get here?
Will I ever be able to feel again?

But even this
Is better than the pain which
Drove me to self harm.
This deadness of mind
This painless numbness.

My body stumbles along,
I drag it from day to day.
Wearily along the road,
And people see my sad face
And wonder.

I no longer stand out from them.
My heart has been broken like theirs.
My mind has been polluted as theirs.
My emotions deadened by addictions - as theirs.
Yet this I curse in myself which I cannot lay at them.

I knew the Light. And they have not.

Tuesday, September 07, 2010

Unrhythmed Heartflow

I wish people could see me as I am.
Not what they see as me, but what I see as me.
For I know me better than anyone else, and my eyes paint a truer colour.
They say they see me with God's eyes, but I see faultiness in their thinking.
So how can I believe that humanity sees me with God's eyes?

Some people meet me and judge me by what they see.
How many people can see there is more than one facet to my soul?
I am not just the jovial, fun loving girl.
Nor am I the sober, serious, intelligent student.
I am not a bright, polished, admirable jewel of a woman of God.
The girl who opens the deep anguish of her soul to the few that love me, is not just me.
I am more than this. I am these put together, intertwined, with people seeing more of one particular side than any other.

I can be wistful, entertaining, educational, intellectual, bright and dark at a whim.
I can be cynical, sarcastic, dark and bitter, moments after being light hearted, sparkling and vivacious.
Why do people say I am wonderful? Worthful? Amazing? Awesome?
Why can't they see what I see in me?

Gutter dirt. Dragged through the darkness and in sin of my own choosing.
I look at the bright gleam shining above my head, what I once was, and shudder, turning away.
I hate myself for becoming what I despise, stooping to what I loathed, and doing it willingly.
I cannot forgive myself for what I have done. Days can go by and I live on the froth of the moment, never daring to turn my eyes to the howling beast that crawls within.
For if I turn my eyes and contemplate for one moment longer with consciousness, and not just explore on the surface, the corrupted being I am now, then my face would be soaked with tears I would be powerless to stop.
And I cannot afford that. Not here. Not now.

I cannot stoop to showing the me that is to the people around me.
I am afraid of their pity, afraid of their dislike, afraid of their acceptance.
I long to fight this out and free myself of the fear and the hatred and the passion within. But I cannot let the tears flow. I fight them daily.
I fear my family, none of who know what I have been through completely.
But when the lightning of my deepest sin flashes vividly like a searing fire on my memory, I groan at the deep agony and at what my sin has cost me; I flinch back and roll from side to side at night, trying to flee the demons pursuing me with evil laughter.
I am forced to look at what I have done.

And I look at other things. At what I can do to get away from this agonising emotional anguish. This daily torment.
I cannot drink. I will not take drugs. I am frightened that if I try to dull the pain, I will not be able to stop, and will wreck my physical life as well as my emotional. That will not help.
The knife's blade is sharp...areas of flesh unexposed could be brought under the sharp edge for a momentary relief in a moment of physical agony. But I've been told it's only short. What would be the point?
Life is sacred to my God. I dare not take what is not mine, more than I have already in other areas. And it would not be the end. It is a coward's way, not to face the pain, even though that is happening anyway. And then to see my God's aweful face in condemning judgment...I shrink back in horror.

Could one flirtation have started this God-forsaken track? It has...uncontrolled...unforgiven...unrepentance...agony.
The way is so dark. What have I become?

I turn from friend to friend, taking sympathy, love, hugs, support.
I must, to help me through this darkness, or else I would stoop to the blade, the wine.
Yet I loathe the dependence I have brought on myself. I, who was there for so many, now must crawl at the feet of others, begging for understanding, wanting to feel a love which is so far away...that none of them can give...
Wanting permanent support and love from someone, yet afraid that I can never be what I need to be to deserve that.
Wanting to be someone's closest friend to try and prove that I won't let them down...but I have already betrayed that.
Pushing for people to become close to me, so that I feel needed to have a purpose to live, day to day to day, instead of dragging this shell, so lifeless inside, up and on to face another morning. And they pull away, to live their own lives.

So I go on, still searching. For the support that I cannot constantly have. For the love I desperately want and cannot have.
Must I go back to the God in Whose face I have spat, Whose wounds I have contemptuously spurned, Whose agony I have despised?
Oh, my God! Do not send me back to Thee! I have turned away too far...down to the darkness, the darkness...oh God! Don't send me back there!

Then where am I to go? Caught in the middle of the blazing light which burns searing heat into my heart and the clammy darkness, which reaches out with cold despair in its fingers, pulling, tugging at my flesh...
My hands at my head, clutching my brow. Tears tearing at me inside I refuse to shed, through fear. Fear, fear, fear. My life is ruled by fear. Fear of what I am. Fear of rejection. Fear of myself. Fear of fear.

Rejection because of my fear, or fear because of rejection by so many...hatred...confusion...misery. What will it take to come back to where I was?
God, speak to my heart and overcome me. For I know not what will happen to me now.
My hand reaches to lay hold of the knife. Will Your voice speak to arrest my soul?

Was this a poem?
I do not know.
The unrhythmed flow of my heart
Spoke out into words which in my blackest time and deepest sorrow
I cannot frame into rhyme.

God be with you all.

~ Jane

Friday, September 03, 2010


"Oh Jesus, I have promised,"
Oh, keep my eyes on Thee!
Flesh and the world draw near,
I want to follow me.
Desires are vain and fleeting,
And beauty insincere;
My heart easily sidetracked -
Oh Jesus, draw Thou near.

The goal that Thou hast set me;
The cross I must take up,
And crush these prideful passions,
And taste Thy bitter cup.
Help me to see Thy glory,
And Thy dear face beyond.
To sit at Thy feet, Jesus,
With Thy righteousness donned.

I am so weak, Lord Jesus,
I know that Thou art strong.
Help me always remember,
Self reliance is wrong.
Keep me a steadfast friend,
Make me hold up, endure.
Turn my eyes from this world,
Keep Thou my calling sure.

Monday, August 30, 2010

The Embers Flare

Looking in the mirror, to see the painted facade I've become.
What can I do now but live to redo what's already done?
Looking back on the shiny, scratched reflection of the past,
Do I regret what I've done, now only scars, not pleasures, last?

Giving my heart away so young, completely, irresponsibly,
Betraying my God, my faith, my stand and friends who looked up to me.
A song, a word, a look, a time, brings the pain flaring back.
I withdraw in silent misery to memories of which there's no lack.

A moment's flirtation, lighthearted teasing, a meaningful word or glance.
A month where darkness was glorious light, and life was a lovely dance.
Then pain and the knowledge of betrayal settled on my soul.
Now can the emptiness ever be filled, my heart ever be made whole?

I pray and pray and pray again, weep tears I struggle to shed.
Is there repentance deep within - why is my heart like lead?
I fight to put the past behind, the memories, sorrow and shame.
Betrayals still stare me in the face. I struggle to ignore the pain.

Living a life that is a sham, with masked up wars within.
Trying to put my burdens behind, without facing up to sin.
Was it a sin to fall in love? To feel this lasting sorrow?
I cover the darkness, turn and fight - ignoring the past for tomorrow.

Monday, August 23, 2010


Dedicated to my twin brother, Joseph.

Sitting on the sofa,
In the setting sun.
Curled up with my laptop -
Inside, painfully numb.

Fighting back the tears
I have no right to shed.
Could it hurt this much
If he lay there dead?

I wanted him to go -
The pangs of guilt are sharp.
Five years of continuous violence,
And now we are apart.

A strong bond of twinship
Though dulled by years on drugs,
Still pulls our hearts together.
And now I miss his hugs.

I pulled back from the overaffection,
From the violence, the tension, the fear.
I wanted back the life -
The family that never was here.

The glow of the setting sun,
Pulls my eyes away from the screen.
How he would love to see it!
See him photographing in a dream.

Now I'm pulling back from the pain,
From my mother's broken soul.
From my father's hidden sorrow,
Will we, can we ever be whole?

Blame to one another
Will never help us now.
Nursing our wounds in silence,
Can we reach each other? How?

Why was this allowed?
The silence, aching pain?
Why the years of torment
With the absent ache as gain?

Why didn't God make him normal?
Why our family not made as one?
Why present a united front
When inside we're cracked and done?

Why did God let this happen?
He could've stopped it, I know.
Is this a test of Satan,
Or our trust in God to show?

Why allow the frustration and pain?
Why the sorrow, the stress and the tears?
Why the cracked and bleeding hearts?
Why the agony of worried fears?

Is this a trial like Job's?
Devilish means to show unrighteousness?
In that, he will fail, for we
Have none; Jesus Christ is our dress.

Trusting God through the blackness of night.
Trusting God through the clamour of hell.
Trusting God til we see face to face.
Til the answer to "Why?" He will tell.

August 23rd, 2010

Monday, August 16, 2010

The Facets of God

Dedicated to Rachie, Lyds, Samii, Kiehl and Kyle.

The Facets of God

The aspects of Divinity,
The God-man, purest deity.
Facets no man ever sees.
Still lie beneath the veil.

The Creator God of all,
Fashioned us with loving thought.
Still recreating us today,
Spiritual rebirth; by blood, bought.

Purity incarnate born,
Both on earth and timeless time,
Sin seperated us from God -
He makes us pure in His refine.

Right now I see Him as the Judge,
Condemner of all sin.
Frowning darkly at the guilt,
Corruption etched within.

The Saviour of us all from sin,
A crucified death, rose from the grave.
Perfect sacrifice was He;
Stainless, He us sinners saved.

Love of our lives, the central fix
Motive of actions, heart and will.
Thoughts and heartbeats breathe for Him -
His love constrains us - peace, be still.

The rhythm of life beating its pulse,
The Poet has written His song out.
Uncovering the beauty, line by line,
Joy in His glory, make no doubt.

With wilful characters in His plot,
He writes our life with us in mind.
Author supreme, with no mistake,
Each story complete with His glory outlined.

The darkness and radiant gold of life's thread
Held firmly but gently in the Weaver's Hand,
Through pain and sorrow and joy in life
Makes the tapestry beautifully grand.

The blistering heat of the furnace
Causes us to shrink in fear.
The Master Refiner pounds the dross
With ruthless love; we forget He's near.

Cutting the diamond strong and sure,
From dirty rock to tiny jewel.
Precision cuts, facets polished,
Conforming us with each stroke of His tool.

Dresser of the wild vine,
Cultivating it to bring out the best,
Cutting back, building up,
His Hand holding firm through every test.

Pioneer of our lonely life,
He's trodden the path that we go through.
Lived our joys, tears, weariness, strifes,
Now He's bringing us out as new.

Master of life, of land, of sea,
Of every intricate detail.
He starts and sees it to the end -
Controlling it without fail.

King of nations, sovereign uncrowned,
By earthly kingdoms yet unknown.
Until one day all eyes shall see Him,
All hearts acknowledge Him enthroned.

A way of seeing Him - so many things
Point to the Master, Creator of all.
Until one day, we are lost in His glory
Sight then undarkened, at His feet fall.

Jane Johnson, 22-08-10

From a chat between Kiehl and me, we ended up with these summaries.

We can run up something that sounds phenomenal & hits people abt how _we_ feel, but we come short of words when it comes to describing God! How helpless we humans are when it comes down to the awe-inspiring Deity! And how good God is! When we write and we end up feeling it's a mess...and people are still touched and still think it's good...it must be the power of God. When we feel most helpless and useless, He is working through us.

Thanks to Samii for her idea of the Author; thanks to Kyle for sharing it with me so I had the idea for writing it.

Thanks to Rachie and Lyds for simply being my friends.

Thanks to the Poet of all, to Whom I wish I could do full justice. But that will not be until I sit at His feet and look upwards...to be lost in the glory of His face.


I need you so much,
Why have you turned away?
Who am I to turn to,
Draw strength from each day?

Your problems and pain,
You can share with me.
Friendship is mutual,
Not "just lean on me."

I want to help you,
For all that you've done.
My strength and support;
It's not been any fun.

God will bless you,
For the great work you do.
But now you turn away -
Is our friendship through?

Why won't you talk to me?
Please open your heart.
I don't want to pry -
But true friendship to start.

Instead of a drain,
A friend let me be.
Don't turn away!
Oh PLEASE talk to me!

For once I'm frustrated;
Cannot say what I wish.
Oh, brother, please listen -
Don't go like this!

What have I done
To drive us apart?
Where have you gone?
Why shut off your heart?

Because you're a guy,
You don't go it alone.
Sisters are here,
To listen to your moan.

I need you, big brother,
I need you so much.
Don't turn away -
We're losing our touch.

You have been my stay,
God kept me from sin -
By using our friendship
To help me within.

Now I am alone,
Adrift on life's sea.
Brother, come back -
Share your heart with me!

You kept my confidence
In men still alive.
If you go now -
I'll go my way and die.

Physically not,
But my soul shall be
Withered up always -
As yours is to me.

I can't reach this barrier.
Down it won't break.
Oh God, please help me!
Oh, what will it take?

I'm pulling back,
Deep down inside.
Afraid of the pain,
Afraid to try.

You won't reach out -
I can't reach within.
Brother, come back.
Our friendship grows dim.

J.J. 16-08-10

Saturday, August 14, 2010


There is an emptiness deep in my heart,
The happiness I show is a fake.
Transistory joy is all that lies within -
Revival - oh, what will it take?

My sin looms darker, right over my head,
A burden that's ready to break.
For those who care and love me still -
The blackness could that violently shake.

I see the sin lying deep within,
I know not what to say.
I call out, and fall back to sin -
My tongue speaks; I do not pray.

A queen of purity - demonical laughter
Falls loudly on my ear.
Soldier of Christ, knight of His Truth -
He seems to disappear.

The blackness of guilt drives me from His face,
My soul is too weary for prayer.
I search and I try to overcome sin,
Loathsome, its presence still there.

There are areas of life I cannot surrender,
I'm afraid to lay them at His cross.
My life, my own, to serve Him as I want...
I will continue to suffer this loss.

Why be afraid to trust the Refiner,
His Hands ever strong and so sure?
He has to put me in the burning fire
To bring me out perfect and pure.

Why not trust the Weaver Whos weaving goes on,
With the shuttle and thread of my life?
The colours are dark and the snip of the scissors
Can be the symbols of strife.

Why not trust the Helper, Who stands there beside
Waiting to take me in His arms?
The Hands that will help will hurt to cure -
He will break before He uses the balm.

I am afraid of the pain and the hurt,
The fire, the darkness, the wounds;
So afraid of the injuries; I will pursue
My course, though my heart it entombs.

Is dying to self more painful a death
Than the pain I've already gone through?
How can I tell? If I surrender now,
There is pain - certain and true.

And so the emptiness lies on my heart,
The pressure, the pain carry on.
Until I surrender my all to the Cross -
This trouble has only begun.

August 14th, 2010

My Own Dark Way

Dedicated to Alex, Kyle, Kiehl and Jess.

My Own Dark Way

The blood still flows from the Saviour's side,
The Arms of mercy are open wide.
"Too late!" The blind, proud sinner cries,
Turning back to his own dark way.

Why am I so proud and refuse to see
God's love still there, still waiting for me?
The Great Love that suffered such agony -
And I turn back to my own dark way.

A Love I cannot understand,
A Love that no man ever can,
A paradox; a special brand -
Why turn to my own dark way?

There is nothing such Love cannot forgive,
A crime we know, no one else can perceive.
Why can't my stubborn heart believe?
- I turn back to my own dark way.

A way without God, without Truth, without Light,
A way I have chosen, as black as night.
"He can turn the darkness into light!"
I return to my own dark way.

The way of sin is an easy path;
It brings suffering, pain, death at last.
God's Voice still rings out as a blast -
"Turn to Me from your own dark way!"

A brother reaches out a helping hand,
A sister gives a hug, all the love she can.
I turn away, I don't understand -
Back to my own dark way.

The storms of life come blackly in,
Toss my frail boat in hellish din,
I pray and search and don't find Him -
And turn back to my own dark way.

Is there a love which can hold me
Through crashing wave and torturing sea -
Hands that will never let go of me?
I turn back to my own dark way.

The chains of sin do me ensnare,
Drag me down with chains so fair.
How did I end up down there?
I went my own dark way.

Oh God, You are there, You see me now.
Blackened and guilty before Thee I bow;
Perfect and holy and righteous art Thou.
Forgiveness and Thee, I cannot perceive - how?
My life I have given and broken that vow -
I am still in my chosen dark way.

July 2010


Awake, my soul, and from thy banished worries cease thy care,
All thy heavy burdens thou didst with thy Master share.
Why wakest thou and take up the struggle of life from the past?
A new day dawns; leave the old and start the new at last.

'Tis strange, how sleep only provides a respite from our fears,
How many a burden is carried on through months and years.
The Master ordered us to put our burdens at His feet.
Why drag we on the struggle, when He is strong and we are weak?

So foolishly we carry on, laying not our burdens down.
The strife and stress of many a day - we still hear the battle sound.
Perfect trust and perfect love are offered from above,
Why turn away to pain and tears from such wondrous Love?

A pain-filled heart - a saddened face - shows not our Master's joy.
Peace that passeth understanding - we choose for this to cloy.
We cannot hide from the share of trials that God brings our way.
Our choice is whether to mourn through them or cheer on a bright new day.

Jane Johnson,

Unfailing Love

When doubts assail
And fears within,
When life wars
With hellish din.
When friends have gone
And comforters flee -
To Whom shall I turn,
My Lord, but Thee?

The distance between
Is caused by me,
When I choose
Not to turn to Thee.
What insanity,
Or demonical power,
Makes me want to turn
From Thy Throne in this hour?

You are "by my side,
Wherever I fall."
"You raise me up,"
Lord God of all!
Though I in my foolishness
Still turn away,
You take me back
Each time I fail.

What Love is this?
I ne'er cease to wonder;
What Love corrects
And uses each blunder?
What Love can take
A faithless whore,
Accept again as wife
After each fall?

Ah Love Divine!
Uncomprehensible depth!
For my sin
The Saviour wept?!
What made Him carry
My sin to the cross?
Grace and mercy
Made Him give life to us.

Jane Johnson, 27-12-09

The Choice

Written in October/November, after I fell in love to my shame with a non-Christian.

The Choice

The path lies before me
It's split in two ways.
The burden I choose
Will follow all my days.
The Cross stands before me,
Sign of ultimate love;
Divine salvation
To a wretch - from above.

Which cross shall I choose?
Let it be for His glory.
The other will give me
A horrible story.

Ah yes, another one
Lies in the road.
Wood warped and twisted
Forced together and bowed.
Bitter cross to bear!
Can this be love's story?
Must I sacrifice this
For my Saviour's glory?

"I love him;" please give me
A translation of this.
"I cannot;" is your love
More important than His?
Could you be willing
To die for this boy?
Could your lives be used
For the Saviour's joy?

The path lies before me.
It's split in two ways.
One seems to lead
To an open grave.
What will it bring
But many tears?
Much doubt and pain
Through future years?

You gave your heart
To the conquering Lord.
Traitor! You've stolen!
Feel the two-edged sword.
Divine wrath and mercy -
How can they mix?
Will He break my heart more?
Can He it fix?

Oh Love Divine
So ancient and true!
How can I think
Of deserting you?
Can't my loves mix?
One always saves;
The other is leading
To an open grave.

My God! I am too weak
To kill earthly love thus!
Happiness is rare;
Must it smash to dust?
"I love you, Lord!"
"How insincere!
Your heart is far
While your words are near."

Searching For Answers

I wrote this October '09, when the beliefs I had read and accepted about kissing and relationships before marriage were called into question. I realised I had accepted - and did not have any solid grounding.

Searching for Answers

Searching for answers - where lies the truth?
In the Scripture I search to discover no proof.
My heart is laid bare - the world stares me down
Where lie the answers? Will I lose my crown?

Where lie the answers? There is nothing to say
How I must live my life out from day to day.
All of my trials the Master went through -
How did He answer? What did He do?

I turn to the Bible - where do I find
How to react in this new modern life?
Kisses are cheapened - where is my heart?
Can I have hardened into playing the part?

Searching for answers - where lies the truth?
The God-man is perfect - no other will do.
So what is wrong - where draw we the line?
Is the slippery slope taking me in its stride?

Where are the answers? I'm searching for truth.
Fighting each point to uncover the proof.
I want to be God's - to serve Him alone.
Why fight I this battle so far from His throne?

Can He see the struggle so deep in my heart?
I'm human - not perfect, my Lord, as Thou art.
Forgive me all sin - oh show me the truth!
Before I fall from all help - beyond proof.