Worth the Wait?

"Worth the Wait" by 33 Miles,
Playing clearly in my head.
Even as it starts to end,
And the final words are said.
Through the voice saying "Hold on"
Another whispers, "Is it worth the wait?"
A path more easy lies before,
And it holds wide the gate.

Bypath Meadow's always easy,
And grass is greener on the other side,
And the softer path's at hand to travel.
Can the steadfast voice have lied?
Can it ever be worth the wait?
Is it enough to keep believing?
Is God's timing never late?
Will He my cries be always receiving?

Trying to walk a double path,
The split will split yourself in two.
Following God or the easy way,
What you know - or know naught but God's Truth?
The heart is sore and overcharged
About to split itself with grief.
He came to share our burdens...
To lift up the fallen and weak.

Blindly clinging to His Hand,
The promise He's given is true.
Praying He'll help me out of the mess,
And start once more anew.
Focused on the path that's hard
And stony, all rugged, uphill.
Not blinded by the green bypath,
Only hearing His "Peace, be still."

"Be still, and know that I am God.
Trust, I will bring to pass.
Faithful I am to My promises,
Keep going, none of this will last.
I'm testing you through the Refiner's fire,
To make you in My image each day.
Don't give up and follow the easier road,
You'll miss all the blessings along the way."

So I sigh and resigned, I open my eyes,
And look around, waiting to hear.
And once more, "It's Worth the Wait"
Starts sounding in my ears.
Suddenly I'm aware I can go on no more,
I'm done and my strength is all through.
But there's something inside that won't give up -
It's Him - He's breaking through.

I want to give up, for an easier path,
But the hardcore of God won't give in.
Crucify self to the cross of His love,
And purging our flesh of the sin.
Shaping us, changing us, through each mortal step,
Though there's terrible pain on the way,
Through each of the choices we make in our lives,
"Oh Lord, You know. Have Your own way."


Right now I want to give up so badly. Give up and go the easier road. But just as I let go and tell God, I can't do it any more, I realise there's something else that isn't letting go - as before. Over, and over. It's the Hand of God, holding me to the promise I made. Changing me through it and in it and because of it over and over. And suddenly, I'm aware of His presence. And I know I'm carrying on - because I can't. But He can.

Close of a Friendship

Was getting used to being alone.
The silent smile.
The shadows of people who were once there,
And now are not and never can be.
But I never realised I was
Still attached to the shadows,
And have to let go of the shadows
To let the light of a future come in.

But that means saying goodbye...
And somehow, one never thinks
Even after they're gone,
That they'll only come back to say
Goodbye.
People merge from two to one
From one to two
From old to new.

And people come, and people go
And then they wonder at my silent smile.
And wonder why, as they stop to dig a while,
Why they don't get anywhere.
Cause I know, as they will learn soon,
That the digging is going to happen,
And that they'll uncover something -
And end up trashing it and moving on.

There's something more beautiful
Always lying in the distance,
And people ruin what they have now
Just to grasp at what's coming.
It's funny, you see...
People don't understand me.
Because I silently watch and silently smile
And hide me away because they'll leave in a while.

Some folks will vanish,
Some people just leave.
Some never came,
Some promised they'd cleave.
Some said they'd stick
Every inch of the way,
And some people forget me
Back in yesterday.

However, I can take
The rude curious stare
The rough careless hands
That try and hold me then let go.
See, I've got a God Who's
More powerful than you.
What you drop, He catches,
And cares for, and loves, and holds.

Don't think I'm alone in the silence.
I'm not. I learned to find God there.
In the stillness is where you find Him.
Even in the worst, worst pain.
People don't understand. Can't. Run away. Hide.
He doesn't. He's been here before.
So when you see me talking to thin air, don't care.
I'm talking to God, cause He's there.
The only One Who really cares.

Yeah, and on a final note,
Shadows, you can go when you please.
I'm here if you need me,
And I'm not if you don't.
But please don't try and hurt me by fake concern
When you're going to go.
And last thing - don't apologise for your friendship.
Cause I believed you once. And then - it hurts.
I don't want to hurt unless it's necessary.
And that isn't.

So thank you.
God be with you.
Goodbye.

Symphony of Praise

As the tears drip down my face,
I stop to wonder at Your grace.
Message of hope come from a friend
When life's treadmill hits "never end".
Reminds me You're not done with me,
This waiting's not eternity.

I step out into the morning air,
With wondering eyes and breathe a prayer
Of thankful heart and sing Your praise,
At Your artistry through every day.
Each morning every cloud is new,
Colours fresh and breezes true.

As I whisper prayers and song,
"Be Thou my vision" as I walk along,
I feel my smallness and I smile
At Your nearness for a while.
Surrounded by Your glory close,
Peace unspeakable from You flows.

The broken flower in my path,
A laughable name in my daily track.
The excitement of home and coming online,
Being with family and friends for a time.
There's darkness and light, there's depression and praise,
Dwelling not on the storm, but on Heavenly rays.

Thankfulness

As I wake up in the morning, atmosphere already stressed,
I finally rise to the morning sun - and realise how much I'm blessed.
As Joseph picks another fight, I'm tempted to despair;
So know I must drop to my knees and send an upward prayer.

When I see my mother's bruises, she took so he wouldn't hit me,
And I want to hurt myself for letting her be hurt so badly;
A wooden beam comes into mind, raised on Golgotha's hill -
The Christ Who died there for our sins, innocent, by free will.

When the voices raised and sharp cause me to shiver and shake,
It reminds me that the Lord's voice makes the earth to quake.
When I look around and see this house never to be ours,
I think that our body's temporary, and soon goes in fleeting hours.

The beauty of my own home sometimes grieves me bitterly,
So does the loss of the father who I may ne'er again see.
Beyond the clouds in ceaseless time is my eternal Home,
And God's my Heavenly Father, Who will never let me roam.

Inward pride of independence rises in my heart,
When people offer clothes and money to help us make a start.
When Jesus came unto this earth, He was homeless too,
And leaned on God to provide - and people, mostly, through.

Some entertain ministering angels - they're called friends today.
People who will stick by you, and help through the difficult way.
So many others point the finger, or are Job's comforters;
They cannot see the hand of God in trials - those poor doubters.

Blessed be the Name of God, Who gives and takes away;
Who can strip of all He gifts, but Himself will stay.
He can ease the burdens or increase to shape His will -
Each daily trial and testing only our flesh to kill.

If we will to will to God each day and every task,
He will make us weak so He can give strength when we ask.
The blessing's only found when in each great pain joy we find -
And thankfulness and praises unto God with willing mind.

The Past's Future

As my eyes clear from the veil of tears,
And I look forward into the misty years,
Forcibly fading my memory
I gaze on the clouds of time and see
Dark shapes of shadows from my past
Dance grotesquely on the future's mask.
With horror, I stop and realise
Each past decision has shaped my life.

So many mistakes I can never put right,
So many choices that lead me to the night.
So many friends once so dear, and now gone,
So many heartbreaks instead of having none.
So many errors I cannot erase,
Dance on the future's mist as I gaze.

I shudder and shrink from taking each step,
As shadows surround me I'll never forget.
Try as I might each figure to delete,
Their ghastly fingers reach out, driving me to my feet.
Depart, oh past, and begone and forget
That ever I knew the shapes I beget.

I reach out blindly the Lord's Hand to take
As I step forward in the future I make.
The Light reflects eerily in the inky mist,
I struggle to see God's Hand is in this.
As relentlessly onwards we go,
The shadows of the past surround me from below.

I feel the ground shaky under my feet
As our paths part, never again to meet.
I stare blankly ahead as my life falls apart
Wonder how to heal and again to start.
My gaze focuses on the clouds; with horror,
I realise this choice will be forever tomorrow.

Hearts can bleed like this and survive - it is true.
I've watched it and done it; you know, so can you.
So keep on trusting Jesus, don't give in to despair;
You know He will hear your every prayer.
Yes, He can come in and heal your heart,
He'll ease the pain without removing the scar.

Keep on going, your choices for life in the past,
God can use for good in tomorrow, though they last
Forever and the scars won't go away,
But the pain will heal someday.
Keep your eyes on the Light, don't look at the clouds -
Move your gaze and your past will be your death's shroud.

Never Again!

No! No! Never again!
Never will I choose
To carry that shame.
No! No! Never again!
I'm sick of the victim
And of fearing the pain.

I don't care what You do,
To reform me, refine me
And shape me like You.
I want to be strong
To carry the hurt,
And flee from the wrong.

The trials You give me
Are designed to test
And to make me like Thee.
The ones I lead myself to
Will twist and corrupt me
Lead me far from You.

I'm tired of wasting my words,
Of promises broken,
Of causing such hurt.
God, I want to be sure
I won't do this again.
Provide me the cure!

Cleanse my evil heart within,
Wash me and purge me
Cleanse me from my sin.
No! No! Never again!
Make me run from temptation,
Your life to regain.

I hate it when people look and see
A sintwisted, perverted
And filth covered me.
Lord, make it so that they will find
Me broken and crushed
With You possessing my mind.

Some may call me crazy,
I laugh in wonderment,
You never saw my past so hazy.
God, take my hand and don't let me flee
Back to the "easy" path,
Ending in separation from Thee!

How Can You Love?

I look at my sin,
My guilt and my crime.
I look at Your glory
And wonderful shine.
I look at the purity
Radiate from Your face,
I see all Your mercy,
Wonder at Your grace.

I look at my dirt,
The shame and the fear,
I look at you and wish
You weren't quite so near.
You shine with reflected
Glory from above,
You radiate kindness
And infinite love.

I look at you and
The God that you serve,
I marvel at the wonder
Of love undeserved.
I look back at myself
To with wonder behold,
Cleansed with Christ's blood,
I'm shining as gold.

Words Cannot Tell

I wrote this at the Squadron. Seems to be the one place in real life I emotionally let go. A big thank you to 196 staff for their support right now.


The lines are irregular, but on due consideration I won't be changing it.


I want to write
And cannot find
The words to tell
What's in my mind.
How can I tell
The sobs that tear
Me inside out?
Emotions wear
My heart right down.
I cannot find
The words to say
What's in my mind.

Scrawl on paper,
Simple words
That cannot write
The way I hurt;
The feelings that
Compulsively
Drive me to try
And hurt me.

To alleviate
My emotional pain -
Physical hurt.
But what's to gain?
I want to take
From scars so deep;
The hurt inside
Forced me to weep.

Where can I take
My deepest grief?
Words are failing -
So's underneath.
The bottom of
My life fell through;
Where can I go -
And tell - who?
Lord, You reign,
High over all.
You see me
Whenever I fall.
Right now, bleeding
And trying to fight,
My God! Don't leave me
In this night!

To Thee, my Rock,
Alone, I cling.
Saviour, to Thee
My grief I bring.
Your Arms around me
Hold me near.
You quell my grief
And calm my fear.
Into Your Face
I look, and know
With love, You cause
This for me to grow.


In Christ Alone,
Soli Deo Gloria.

Jane Johnson,
March 24, 2011

The Way I Am

Terrified,
Realise
You don't like me
The way I am.

Knowing that
Feeling flat.
I don't like me,
The way I am.

Looking in,
See so much sin.
Hate so much
The way I am.

Distant pity,
Won't leave me,
Alone and hating
The way I am.

Hating distance,
Wish you'd go once,
And leave me
The way I am.

God looks down,
With tender frown.
Starts to change
The way I am.

Knowing still,
I'm in His will,
And He loves me
The way I am.

The love I need,
Won't ever succeed.
Only God can love
The way I am.

Who I am
A special plan.
Refining me
The way I am.

Won't be free
Of individuality.
Changing me
The way I am.

So go away,
No fake love play -
God loves me just
The way I am.

I Wonder

One has to wonder
How much you can miss
Someone so much,
Then confronted with this -
A silent conundrum
Nobody can solve.
A gap without bridge
But friendship undissolved.

In silence we listen,
We wait, watch and talk.
And I sit there wistful,
Watching like a hawk.
So utterly different
As mortals can be.
What on earth made us friends?
Why stay you with me?

Pained joy to see
Your presence is here.
Pain you're so far,
And joy you're so near.
There's no way I can draw
Us close; it can't be.
Feeling sickened, I pray
We don't drift out at sea.

I know there's an Author
Who holds the pen
Of life in His Hand,
Who knows why and when.
I know there's a Pilot
Of ships in roaring waves -
I know I've a God
Who is mighty to save!

So teach me to trust
In obedience and fear,
But of Who Thou art,
And not of Thou near.
Make my understanding
Accept all Thy will.
Help me love Thee always
In good and in ill.

Half-Hearted Christianity

I'm sick of all this apathy,
In all the people around me;
Playing with money and jewellery,
Not heeding the warning and Word.

Look to see the Spirit's fire within,
Instead the candle flickers dim;
Frightened of the unknown burning that's Him:
Not heeding the warning and Word.

Tired of the half hearted worship given,
Wonder what it looks like to God in Heaven.
To fill the lack of fire, serving off emotion,
Not heeding the warning and Word.

The flame of God begins to burn,
As I am caused by His Spirit to turn.
Fire of God, cause us to discern
And hear the warning and Word.

God Who is Spirit and power and fire,
Cause my whole being to burn with desire
To serve Thee completely and step ever higher;
Heeding Your warnings, worship in truth,
Baptised with fire and hearing Your Word.

Jane Johnson,
26/2/11

From the Heights to the Depths to Grace - Part One

She stood there,
Listening to everything they said.
The doubts they cast on
Everything she'd fought for the past two years.

In a matter of hours,
The emotional purity had gone, along
With the desire for physical.
They said it didn't matter that he wasn't saved.

She was weak,
She gave in because she wanted
To love him and she never
Realised the power of the emotions she was loosing.

Five months later
Saw a girl who was smashed.
She only thought that
She was having an innocent flirtation.

She gave away
The heart she should have kept
For the man God had
In store for her to give her heart to someday.

Emotions destroyed,
Self worth completely gone.
If only she was beautiful,
She believed she could've kept him from leaving.

She cried,
Day after day and night upon night.
She gave it to God,
And took it back, time and time again.

She never noticed,
That true love was there all the time.
Love that loved her,
Loved her just the way she was - crushed and bleeding.

She never thought
She was of any worth again,
So she pushed it away,
But it wouldn't leave her in her brokenness.

God held out
His offer of love still and pardon.
And He put people around
To love and hold her and tell her - He isn't done
With her yet.

Fire! Fire!

Iridescent flame, burning brightly through the night
Of the darkness I've reentered, turning me from the Light.
Its multi, gaudy colours call the wild beast in my soul.
Its weirdly flaunting, luminous flame pulls me from the Goal.

Irresistable flame, burning near to me then far,
Like a will-o'-the-wisp, or an unattainable star.
Tell me why we fly at a beckon to lusts we never fulfill,
When all that we desire is achievable in His Will.

Incandescent flame, that sets me on fire inside,
Calling out my lusts and sins, my passions, fear and pride.
Reaching out my hand to grasp, I feel it singe my skin,
And watch what I've loved all my life fall to ashes within.

Illuminating flame, showing sins that grieve my God;
Ignoring the pain we cause Him, eager for the world's nod.
Chasing the glittering tinsel, reaching for baubles instead of gold,
Years later we realise all of the loss of the priceless thing we sold.

Inglorious flame, still burning, still calling me away.
Ignomious glory for which I sold my soul today.
Snatched before it's in my grasp, I fall flat on my face in quicksand,
Surrounded by the laughs and jeers of those who encouraged me onto this ground.

Brilliant Light, still shining, so high and far above,
Still looking down with pity and everlasting love.
Can You forgive and take back a gutter rat such as I?
I'm dying to give it all to You, and watch that flame flicker and die.

Burning Light in anger, consuming up the flame.
Showing me how worthless was its dancing and its shame.
As Moses standing before the bush, I stand, thinking how odd...
I reach out to the nondestroying consumer, and touch the Hand of God.

Steps

One step forward and ten steps back.
Of faith in God is there a lack?
A refusal to follow Him complete
To trust Him with all my needs?
Yesterday now seems, oh, so black.
I took one step forwards and ten steps back.

One step forward, ten steps back.
The veneer of confidence begins to crack.
God shows idolatry, unforgiveness within;
He's convicting me of all my sins.
Fearing the mirror, I begin to run -
One step forwards means ten steps gone.

One step forwards and ten steps back.
A burden grows heavier as I'm laid on the rack.
Crucifying self is no easy thing;
To the foot of the Cross, my guilt I must bring.
Surrending all areas - I must - it's a fact.
Or it's one step forwards and ten steps back.

Jane Johnson
31/10/10

Auf Wiedersehn

Why am I writing something grand
So people will want to read?
After all, who cares of the heart
That's scratching for words while it bleeds?
Who cares of the struggle to find a rhyme
To make it poetic and pretty?
Who cares of the agony that lies beneath,
That creates a nice little ditty?

A poem of friendship, a sad little story
A heartbreak lies beneath.
Grow up, will you, and see a soul,
Of pain and distrust and grief.
Look at me and see my soul
It's crawling, waiting to be kicked.
Just look down and aim the blow.
It's the waiting makes me feel sick.

Oh, come on. This was coming long ago.
Just open your eyes and see.
That the sheer patheticness of life
Is a cause of agony.
Sure, we should sit back,
Take pleasure and passivity with pain.
I'm sorry; I can't go through that.
Surely you see I can't do it again.

I'm a bundle of emotions I don't understand.
Mistrust, agony and fear.
Of wanting to go where I don't want to go,
Of learning to stop shedding tears.
I want all the pain to stop; I don't care how,
It will hurt when I kick the door shut.
Will it hurt if I leave it open more, than
If I slam it now and lock it up?

Open your eyes, my soul is before you.
I'm tired of playing with words.
Hear me now as I speak my uncertainty,
In no uncertain terms.
Would you see why I must hurt myself and you
In a battle I'd rather not undergo?
After all, a friendship's replaceable.
Let's just wave goodbye and let go.

Let go, never to talk any more.
Let go, never to chat.
Let go, never to know how life goes.
Somehow that seems, oh, so flat.
The pain and mistrust and doubt
Is something I can't cope with right now.
Trying to pretend everything's all right,
Makes it even worse, somehow.

So knowing we're doing a good shot
In the long run; to make it right.
We really ought to make up our minds,
And with a shaky goodbye, wave goodnight.
It's easier for future, for past and for now,
To let go before we get bitter.
Goodbye, dear friend, God bless, au revior,
I run away before you see my tears glitter.

A Passionate Prayer

Lord, grant that I may be
A conduit; empty of self completely.
Take everything of myself away;
Fill me with You in Your entirety.

Pour Your Spirit upon me
Within me; fill me - fill me!
Teach me of Thyself, Thy glory and purity.
Lose me within the blessed radiance of Your presence.

Fix my heart and mind on You - guard them,
Enable me to do it! Teach me
And lead me in Thy ways. Bring me
To the point where I reflect only Your blazing purity.

Burn me with Your passion.
Cleanse me of my vile impurities.
Make me willing to put You - You Alone!
First in my heart and life above these wretched idols.

Lord, if only the better part of me -
The part which You have cleansed
And in which You dwell and control -
Would forever sway the entirety of my life!

I have run my life
Downhill, into failure, disappointment,
Dark gloom, deep despair.
Lord, take over the complete control!

If only my feeble tongue could express
The passionate longing of my heart
To be possessed by Thy Holy Spirit,
To follow You in the path of Your calling.

Gone is the desire for 'my' calling.
It is as dry dust in my mouth.
Any calling is a gift from Thee -
Never, never mine. For I am Yours, and the gift is Yours.

Lord, remove these idols from my heart
Which place the burdens, gifts,
Friends, passions, visions,
Before spending time revelling in Thy Word and Presence.

Take away my bitterness,
Hatred, arrogance, deep resentment, painful heart.
None of these reflect You, my Father.
I cannot dwell in the Light of Your Presence with them.

I am powerless to change myself.
I gave myself just as I am to You.
Only You can make me something.
Only You can burn the poisoned wound and make me in Your image.

Teach me how to love
With Your love; not the world's.
Teach me to love the unlovely.
Help me to love far beyond myself and for no motive but Thine.

I tried to change so often, but everytime,
I would climb four steps and fall back, ever deeper.
I thought I had to reach the acceptable level
Of sin, before You would reach to touch me.

Why could I not see that You only
Reach out to the vilest of the vile?
To the lowest of the low, to those who no longer
Have any hope, any faith, any love, anywhere to turn?

You humbled me, brought me to the knowledge
Of where I was when You brought me
Face to face with the lowest point of my highest standard.
A boyfriend for the queen of purity.

You showed me that where others had fallen
I could also go. I wept and hated myself
For I was not what I was - I had fallen.
I forgot to seek Your face, and had adopted false humility.

You brought a long lost friend
Back into my life. He showed me
That I needed not to change myself,
For that was impossible. I needed to love.

To love? How? I questioned over and over.
I could not understand. I still cannot.
I prayed for God to teach me how to love.
Not with my love, but with His love.

He brought people into my life
Who were going through almost exactly what
I had just passed through. The darkness,
The hatred, the despair, the poison, the influence.

I pitied, I wept, I identified. But
Not as myself. But as He. For He loves them.
And because of this, He enabled me to see them
Through His eyes. And I could also see me.

As dust, dirt and ashes. Vile, repugnant, intractable.
He sees the miniscule specks He created
But He pities our weakness, remembers we are dust...
And He loves us still, waiting for us to come - as we are.

I could not change myself. They cannot,
And they cannot see that God only wants the muck.
Until we are worthless, crawling heaps, and we
See ourselves as we are - He cannot use us at all.

In striving after Christ, Lord, never
Never let me be confident in self
Pretending that is of Thee. Let me always
Remember my weakness, constantly fleeing to Thy side.

Teach me how to show those whom Thou hast given to me,
With their vulnerable trust and their aching hearts,
Teach them Thy love. Ah Lord, I cannot still understand
How You brought me out. But teach them, that they might also return.

Help me to be open and honest with them,
To be cruel, yet kind, where they need a surgeon.
Give me the wisdom that is Thine to speak what I should.
Grant me the grace to be loving and patient.

Open my heart and mind to the knowledge
And experience and understanding of Your love.
Help me to see Thy pattern and to set
My own as mentor, mother, sister, supporter after Thine own.

Fill me with Your Holy Spirit.
Crush my pride of individuality, and
Possess me completely, to the point that no one
Can see me at all. Ever. But only Thy glory in me.

Make me willing to die to self, that
This crumbling monument to grace may
Be completely willing to kill its tiny individuality
To identify with the few and bear the weight of reflecting Thyself.

Lord, I do not just wish to reflect You
I want to be possessed of You that the world may know
That You are in me. That I am in You.
Explode Your love throughout my being, that I may love as You have loved me.

Lord, my words are feeble, and my fingers stumble
As I write these words. This impassioned plea.
I long to be dead to myself, the world, and sin.
Lord, use me as a feeble monument to Thy glory
That I may, in however tiny a way, be simply a pointer to Christ.

Starin' At a Solid Brick Wall

There's something good about a solid wall
Faintly patterned or blank and tall.
When you're sitting on the floor curled in a heap,
That wall just stands, doesn't make a peep.

Sitting with your arms wrapped tight around you,
Staring at the solidness that's quite blank too.
Feeling numb, while killing pain -
A pain that won't come back again.

I love staring at solid blank brick -
I want to get the walls of my heart that thick.
Tall, strong, powerful, it won't break.
Hopefully I'll learn to take the force that it takes.

A hurricane may come and smash the brick wall to dust.
I'll shrug and turn away from it; I'm not fussed.
I don't want a hard heart - I want it protected.
And surely my options can be selected.


"An' I just want for all of this to end." ~ Relient K

What Next?

I wonder what will happen now.
Finally they have left. I am completely and utterly alone.
What course shall my life take now?
I am determined
In spite of all
That it will not follow the path it would have three days ago.

A change was being made -
I was starting to see light, joy and peace.
Now a further change has come -
Cutting me from
The hope gleaming within.
I will turn my back and carry on.

I will reap some measure
Of happiness and store up some tiny crumbs
And hope to lay them at my Master's feet someday.
How can I hope to follow
Living out of His will?
I will survive.

There is one who will stand
Heart aching for what I could have been.
But will stand irremovable.
Then THAT OTHER will
With calm cool sense
Put his arm over his shoulder and lead him away.

I knew this would happen. I saw it coming weeks ago -
The day he'd turn away.
And I would shrink back.
Now twin demons
Of resentment and bitterness
Peer from my hard eyes and set face.

The other will reassure him
He has done the right thing - cutting me loose.
If I hadn't enough willpower
To stay the course
Alone with God,
It was not his business. It's mine.

It's true! I laugh in defiance.
Because finally, I am alone.
Me and God.
What will happen now?
For now - I continue to live.
Day. To day. To day.

Goodbye, all friends.
Welcome, lonely emptiness.
I will teach myself never to trust again.

Dried Up

Blankness.
A state of mindless numbness.
A lack of feeling.
Have my emotions reached such a pitch
That to cope with them, my mind has shut down?

Memory, once strong, fails.
Life, once beautiful, is black.
Hope and love and laughter
Is a fading, fleeting memory.
I forget as I face the darkness.

Empty - my heart.
Cold - my feelings.
Pain - my conscious emotion.
Deadened - my reaction to it.
Circular - my thinking.

Where did I change?
Where has my heart gone?
What lies ahead of me?
How did I get here?
Will I ever be able to feel again?

But even this
Is better than the pain which
Drove me to self harm.
This deadness of mind
This painless numbness.

My body stumbles along,
I drag it from day to day.
Wearily along the road,
And people see my sad face
And wonder.

I no longer stand out from them.
My heart has been broken like theirs.
My mind has been polluted as theirs.
My emotions deadened by addictions - as theirs.
Yet this I curse in myself which I cannot lay at them.

I knew the Light. And they have not.

Unrhythmed Heartflow

I wish people could see me as I am.
Not what they see as me, but what I see as me.
For I know me better than anyone else, and my eyes paint a truer colour.
They say they see me with God's eyes, but I see faultiness in their thinking.
So how can I believe that humanity sees me with God's eyes?

Some people meet me and judge me by what they see.
How many people can see there is more than one facet to my soul?
I am not just the jovial, fun loving girl.
Nor am I the sober, serious, intelligent student.
I am not a bright, polished, admirable jewel of a woman of God.
The girl who opens the deep anguish of her soul to the few that love me, is not just me.
I am more than this. I am these put together, intertwined, with people seeing more of one particular side than any other.

I can be wistful, entertaining, educational, intellectual, bright and dark at a whim.
I can be cynical, sarcastic, dark and bitter, moments after being light hearted, sparkling and vivacious.
Why do people say I am wonderful? Worthful? Amazing? Awesome?
Why can't they see what I see in me?

Gutter dirt. Dragged through the darkness and in sin of my own choosing.
I look at the bright gleam shining above my head, what I once was, and shudder, turning away.
I hate myself for becoming what I despise, stooping to what I loathed, and doing it willingly.
I cannot forgive myself for what I have done. Days can go by and I live on the froth of the moment, never daring to turn my eyes to the howling beast that crawls within.
For if I turn my eyes and contemplate for one moment longer with consciousness, and not just explore on the surface, the corrupted being I am now, then my face would be soaked with tears I would be powerless to stop.
And I cannot afford that. Not here. Not now.

I cannot stoop to showing the me that is to the people around me.
I am afraid of their pity, afraid of their dislike, afraid of their acceptance.
I long to fight this out and free myself of the fear and the hatred and the passion within. But I cannot let the tears flow. I fight them daily.
I fear my family, none of who know what I have been through completely.
But when the lightning of my deepest sin flashes vividly like a searing fire on my memory, I groan at the deep agony and at what my sin has cost me; I flinch back and roll from side to side at night, trying to flee the demons pursuing me with evil laughter.
I am forced to look at what I have done.

And I look at other things. At what I can do to get away from this agonising emotional anguish. This daily torment.
I cannot drink. I will not take drugs. I am frightened that if I try to dull the pain, I will not be able to stop, and will wreck my physical life as well as my emotional. That will not help.
The knife's blade is sharp...areas of flesh unexposed could be brought under the sharp edge for a momentary relief in a moment of physical agony. But I've been told it's only short. What would be the point?
Life is sacred to my God. I dare not take what is not mine, more than I have already in other areas. And it would not be the end. It is a coward's way, not to face the pain, even though that is happening anyway. And then to see my God's aweful face in condemning judgment...I shrink back in horror.

Could one flirtation have started this God-forsaken track? It has...uncontrolled...unforgiven...unrepentance...agony.
The way is so dark. What have I become?

I turn from friend to friend, taking sympathy, love, hugs, support.
I must, to help me through this darkness, or else I would stoop to the blade, the wine.
Yet I loathe the dependence I have brought on myself. I, who was there for so many, now must crawl at the feet of others, begging for understanding, wanting to feel a love which is so far away...that none of them can give...
Wanting permanent support and love from someone, yet afraid that I can never be what I need to be to deserve that.
Wanting to be someone's closest friend to try and prove that I won't let them down...but I have already betrayed that.
Pushing for people to become close to me, so that I feel needed to have a purpose to live, day to day to day, instead of dragging this shell, so lifeless inside, up and on to face another morning. And they pull away, to live their own lives.

So I go on, still searching. For the support that I cannot constantly have. For the love I desperately want and cannot have.
Must I go back to the God in Whose face I have spat, Whose wounds I have contemptuously spurned, Whose agony I have despised?
Oh, my God! Do not send me back to Thee! I have turned away too far...down to the darkness, the darkness...oh God! Don't send me back there!

Then where am I to go? Caught in the middle of the blazing light which burns searing heat into my heart and the clammy darkness, which reaches out with cold despair in its fingers, pulling, tugging at my flesh...
My hands at my head, clutching my brow. Tears tearing at me inside I refuse to shed, through fear. Fear, fear, fear. My life is ruled by fear. Fear of what I am. Fear of rejection. Fear of myself. Fear of fear.

Rejection because of my fear, or fear because of rejection by so many...hatred...confusion...misery. What will it take to come back to where I was?
God, speak to my heart and overcome me. For I know not what will happen to me now.
My hand reaches to lay hold of the knife. Will Your voice speak to arrest my soul?


Was this a poem?
I do not know.
The unrhythmed flow of my heart
Spoke out into words which in my blackest time and deepest sorrow
I cannot frame into rhyme.

God be with you all.

~ Jane