Welcome to my blog. I'm afraid it won't be updated too frequently, as I only write when moved to write. These are a group of my poems, as written through the often difficult trek of the past nine months (at present) of my life.
I hope they speak to you and somehow reach the chords of your life, and that God will bring you through as He without doubt is doing to me.

God bless you.
~Jane Johnson,
August 14th, 2010

Monday, August 30, 2010

The Embers Flare

Looking in the mirror, to see the painted facade I've become.
What can I do now but live to redo what's already done?
Looking back on the shiny, scratched reflection of the past,
Do I regret what I've done, now only scars, not pleasures, last?

Giving my heart away so young, completely, irresponsibly,
Betraying my God, my faith, my stand and friends who looked up to me.
A song, a word, a look, a time, brings the pain flaring back.
I withdraw in silent misery to memories of which there's no lack.

A moment's flirtation, lighthearted teasing, a meaningful word or glance.
A month where darkness was glorious light, and life was a lovely dance.
Then pain and the knowledge of betrayal settled on my soul.
Now can the emptiness ever be filled, my heart ever be made whole?

I pray and pray and pray again, weep tears I struggle to shed.
Is there repentance deep within - why is my heart like lead?
I fight to put the past behind, the memories, sorrow and shame.
Betrayals still stare me in the face. I struggle to ignore the pain.

Living a life that is a sham, with masked up wars within.
Trying to put my burdens behind, without facing up to sin.
Was it a sin to fall in love? To feel this lasting sorrow?
I cover the darkness, turn and fight - ignoring the past for tomorrow.

Monday, August 23, 2010


Dedicated to my twin brother, Joseph.

Sitting on the sofa,
In the setting sun.
Curled up with my laptop -
Inside, painfully numb.

Fighting back the tears
I have no right to shed.
Could it hurt this much
If he lay there dead?

I wanted him to go -
The pangs of guilt are sharp.
Five years of continuous violence,
And now we are apart.

A strong bond of twinship
Though dulled by years on drugs,
Still pulls our hearts together.
And now I miss his hugs.

I pulled back from the overaffection,
From the violence, the tension, the fear.
I wanted back the life -
The family that never was here.

The glow of the setting sun,
Pulls my eyes away from the screen.
How he would love to see it!
See him photographing in a dream.

Now I'm pulling back from the pain,
From my mother's broken soul.
From my father's hidden sorrow,
Will we, can we ever be whole?

Blame to one another
Will never help us now.
Nursing our wounds in silence,
Can we reach each other? How?

Why was this allowed?
The silence, aching pain?
Why the years of torment
With the absent ache as gain?

Why didn't God make him normal?
Why our family not made as one?
Why present a united front
When inside we're cracked and done?

Why did God let this happen?
He could've stopped it, I know.
Is this a test of Satan,
Or our trust in God to show?

Why allow the frustration and pain?
Why the sorrow, the stress and the tears?
Why the cracked and bleeding hearts?
Why the agony of worried fears?

Is this a trial like Job's?
Devilish means to show unrighteousness?
In that, he will fail, for we
Have none; Jesus Christ is our dress.

Trusting God through the blackness of night.
Trusting God through the clamour of hell.
Trusting God til we see face to face.
Til the answer to "Why?" He will tell.

August 23rd, 2010

Monday, August 16, 2010

The Facets of God

Dedicated to Rachie, Lyds, Samii, Kiehl and Kyle.

The Facets of God

The aspects of Divinity,
The God-man, purest deity.
Facets no man ever sees.
Still lie beneath the veil.

The Creator God of all,
Fashioned us with loving thought.
Still recreating us today,
Spiritual rebirth; by blood, bought.

Purity incarnate born,
Both on earth and timeless time,
Sin seperated us from God -
He makes us pure in His refine.

Right now I see Him as the Judge,
Condemner of all sin.
Frowning darkly at the guilt,
Corruption etched within.

The Saviour of us all from sin,
A crucified death, rose from the grave.
Perfect sacrifice was He;
Stainless, He us sinners saved.

Love of our lives, the central fix
Motive of actions, heart and will.
Thoughts and heartbeats breathe for Him -
His love constrains us - peace, be still.

The rhythm of life beating its pulse,
The Poet has written His song out.
Uncovering the beauty, line by line,
Joy in His glory, make no doubt.

With wilful characters in His plot,
He writes our life with us in mind.
Author supreme, with no mistake,
Each story complete with His glory outlined.

The darkness and radiant gold of life's thread
Held firmly but gently in the Weaver's Hand,
Through pain and sorrow and joy in life
Makes the tapestry beautifully grand.

The blistering heat of the furnace
Causes us to shrink in fear.
The Master Refiner pounds the dross
With ruthless love; we forget He's near.

Cutting the diamond strong and sure,
From dirty rock to tiny jewel.
Precision cuts, facets polished,
Conforming us with each stroke of His tool.

Dresser of the wild vine,
Cultivating it to bring out the best,
Cutting back, building up,
His Hand holding firm through every test.

Pioneer of our lonely life,
He's trodden the path that we go through.
Lived our joys, tears, weariness, strifes,
Now He's bringing us out as new.

Master of life, of land, of sea,
Of every intricate detail.
He starts and sees it to the end -
Controlling it without fail.

King of nations, sovereign uncrowned,
By earthly kingdoms yet unknown.
Until one day all eyes shall see Him,
All hearts acknowledge Him enthroned.

A way of seeing Him - so many things
Point to the Master, Creator of all.
Until one day, we are lost in His glory
Sight then undarkened, at His feet fall.

Jane Johnson, 22-08-10

From a chat between Kiehl and me, we ended up with these summaries.

We can run up something that sounds phenomenal & hits people abt how _we_ feel, but we come short of words when it comes to describing God! How helpless we humans are when it comes down to the awe-inspiring Deity! And how good God is! When we write and we end up feeling it's a mess...and people are still touched and still think it's good...it must be the power of God. When we feel most helpless and useless, He is working through us.

Thanks to Samii for her idea of the Author; thanks to Kyle for sharing it with me so I had the idea for writing it.

Thanks to Rachie and Lyds for simply being my friends.

Thanks to the Poet of all, to Whom I wish I could do full justice. But that will not be until I sit at His feet and look upwards...to be lost in the glory of His face.


I need you so much,
Why have you turned away?
Who am I to turn to,
Draw strength from each day?

Your problems and pain,
You can share with me.
Friendship is mutual,
Not "just lean on me."

I want to help you,
For all that you've done.
My strength and support;
It's not been any fun.

God will bless you,
For the great work you do.
But now you turn away -
Is our friendship through?

Why won't you talk to me?
Please open your heart.
I don't want to pry -
But true friendship to start.

Instead of a drain,
A friend let me be.
Don't turn away!
Oh PLEASE talk to me!

For once I'm frustrated;
Cannot say what I wish.
Oh, brother, please listen -
Don't go like this!

What have I done
To drive us apart?
Where have you gone?
Why shut off your heart?

Because you're a guy,
You don't go it alone.
Sisters are here,
To listen to your moan.

I need you, big brother,
I need you so much.
Don't turn away -
We're losing our touch.

You have been my stay,
God kept me from sin -
By using our friendship
To help me within.

Now I am alone,
Adrift on life's sea.
Brother, come back -
Share your heart with me!

You kept my confidence
In men still alive.
If you go now -
I'll go my way and die.

Physically not,
But my soul shall be
Withered up always -
As yours is to me.

I can't reach this barrier.
Down it won't break.
Oh God, please help me!
Oh, what will it take?

I'm pulling back,
Deep down inside.
Afraid of the pain,
Afraid to try.

You won't reach out -
I can't reach within.
Brother, come back.
Our friendship grows dim.

J.J. 16-08-10

Saturday, August 14, 2010


There is an emptiness deep in my heart,
The happiness I show is a fake.
Transistory joy is all that lies within -
Revival - oh, what will it take?

My sin looms darker, right over my head,
A burden that's ready to break.
For those who care and love me still -
The blackness could that violently shake.

I see the sin lying deep within,
I know not what to say.
I call out, and fall back to sin -
My tongue speaks; I do not pray.

A queen of purity - demonical laughter
Falls loudly on my ear.
Soldier of Christ, knight of His Truth -
He seems to disappear.

The blackness of guilt drives me from His face,
My soul is too weary for prayer.
I search and I try to overcome sin,
Loathsome, its presence still there.

There are areas of life I cannot surrender,
I'm afraid to lay them at His cross.
My life, my own, to serve Him as I want...
I will continue to suffer this loss.

Why be afraid to trust the Refiner,
His Hands ever strong and so sure?
He has to put me in the burning fire
To bring me out perfect and pure.

Why not trust the Weaver Whos weaving goes on,
With the shuttle and thread of my life?
The colours are dark and the snip of the scissors
Can be the symbols of strife.

Why not trust the Helper, Who stands there beside
Waiting to take me in His arms?
The Hands that will help will hurt to cure -
He will break before He uses the balm.

I am afraid of the pain and the hurt,
The fire, the darkness, the wounds;
So afraid of the injuries; I will pursue
My course, though my heart it entombs.

Is dying to self more painful a death
Than the pain I've already gone through?
How can I tell? If I surrender now,
There is pain - certain and true.

And so the emptiness lies on my heart,
The pressure, the pain carry on.
Until I surrender my all to the Cross -
This trouble has only begun.

August 14th, 2010

My Own Dark Way

Dedicated to Alex, Kyle, Kiehl and Jess.

My Own Dark Way

The blood still flows from the Saviour's side,
The Arms of mercy are open wide.
"Too late!" The blind, proud sinner cries,
Turning back to his own dark way.

Why am I so proud and refuse to see
God's love still there, still waiting for me?
The Great Love that suffered such agony -
And I turn back to my own dark way.

A Love I cannot understand,
A Love that no man ever can,
A paradox; a special brand -
Why turn to my own dark way?

There is nothing such Love cannot forgive,
A crime we know, no one else can perceive.
Why can't my stubborn heart believe?
- I turn back to my own dark way.

A way without God, without Truth, without Light,
A way I have chosen, as black as night.
"He can turn the darkness into light!"
I return to my own dark way.

The way of sin is an easy path;
It brings suffering, pain, death at last.
God's Voice still rings out as a blast -
"Turn to Me from your own dark way!"

A brother reaches out a helping hand,
A sister gives a hug, all the love she can.
I turn away, I don't understand -
Back to my own dark way.

The storms of life come blackly in,
Toss my frail boat in hellish din,
I pray and search and don't find Him -
And turn back to my own dark way.

Is there a love which can hold me
Through crashing wave and torturing sea -
Hands that will never let go of me?
I turn back to my own dark way.

The chains of sin do me ensnare,
Drag me down with chains so fair.
How did I end up down there?
I went my own dark way.

Oh God, You are there, You see me now.
Blackened and guilty before Thee I bow;
Perfect and holy and righteous art Thou.
Forgiveness and Thee, I cannot perceive - how?
My life I have given and broken that vow -
I am still in my chosen dark way.

July 2010


Awake, my soul, and from thy banished worries cease thy care,
All thy heavy burdens thou didst with thy Master share.
Why wakest thou and take up the struggle of life from the past?
A new day dawns; leave the old and start the new at last.

'Tis strange, how sleep only provides a respite from our fears,
How many a burden is carried on through months and years.
The Master ordered us to put our burdens at His feet.
Why drag we on the struggle, when He is strong and we are weak?

So foolishly we carry on, laying not our burdens down.
The strife and stress of many a day - we still hear the battle sound.
Perfect trust and perfect love are offered from above,
Why turn away to pain and tears from such wondrous Love?

A pain-filled heart - a saddened face - shows not our Master's joy.
Peace that passeth understanding - we choose for this to cloy.
We cannot hide from the share of trials that God brings our way.
Our choice is whether to mourn through them or cheer on a bright new day.

Jane Johnson,

Unfailing Love

When doubts assail
And fears within,
When life wars
With hellish din.
When friends have gone
And comforters flee -
To Whom shall I turn,
My Lord, but Thee?

The distance between
Is caused by me,
When I choose
Not to turn to Thee.
What insanity,
Or demonical power,
Makes me want to turn
From Thy Throne in this hour?

You are "by my side,
Wherever I fall."
"You raise me up,"
Lord God of all!
Though I in my foolishness
Still turn away,
You take me back
Each time I fail.

What Love is this?
I ne'er cease to wonder;
What Love corrects
And uses each blunder?
What Love can take
A faithless whore,
Accept again as wife
After each fall?

Ah Love Divine!
Uncomprehensible depth!
For my sin
The Saviour wept?!
What made Him carry
My sin to the cross?
Grace and mercy
Made Him give life to us.

Jane Johnson, 27-12-09

The Choice

Written in October/November, after I fell in love to my shame with a non-Christian.

The Choice

The path lies before me
It's split in two ways.
The burden I choose
Will follow all my days.
The Cross stands before me,
Sign of ultimate love;
Divine salvation
To a wretch - from above.

Which cross shall I choose?
Let it be for His glory.
The other will give me
A horrible story.

Ah yes, another one
Lies in the road.
Wood warped and twisted
Forced together and bowed.
Bitter cross to bear!
Can this be love's story?
Must I sacrifice this
For my Saviour's glory?

"I love him;" please give me
A translation of this.
"I cannot;" is your love
More important than His?
Could you be willing
To die for this boy?
Could your lives be used
For the Saviour's joy?

The path lies before me.
It's split in two ways.
One seems to lead
To an open grave.
What will it bring
But many tears?
Much doubt and pain
Through future years?

You gave your heart
To the conquering Lord.
Traitor! You've stolen!
Feel the two-edged sword.
Divine wrath and mercy -
How can they mix?
Will He break my heart more?
Can He it fix?

Oh Love Divine
So ancient and true!
How can I think
Of deserting you?
Can't my loves mix?
One always saves;
The other is leading
To an open grave.

My God! I am too weak
To kill earthly love thus!
Happiness is rare;
Must it smash to dust?
"I love you, Lord!"
"How insincere!
Your heart is far
While your words are near."

Searching For Answers

I wrote this October '09, when the beliefs I had read and accepted about kissing and relationships before marriage were called into question. I realised I had accepted - and did not have any solid grounding.

Searching for Answers

Searching for answers - where lies the truth?
In the Scripture I search to discover no proof.
My heart is laid bare - the world stares me down
Where lie the answers? Will I lose my crown?

Where lie the answers? There is nothing to say
How I must live my life out from day to day.
All of my trials the Master went through -
How did He answer? What did He do?

I turn to the Bible - where do I find
How to react in this new modern life?
Kisses are cheapened - where is my heart?
Can I have hardened into playing the part?

Searching for answers - where lies the truth?
The God-man is perfect - no other will do.
So what is wrong - where draw we the line?
Is the slippery slope taking me in its stride?

Where are the answers? I'm searching for truth.
Fighting each point to uncover the proof.
I want to be God's - to serve Him alone.
Why fight I this battle so far from His throne?

Can He see the struggle so deep in my heart?
I'm human - not perfect, my Lord, as Thou art.
Forgive me all sin - oh show me the truth!
Before I fall from all help - beyond proof.