Why?

Dedicated to my twin brother, Joseph.

Sitting on the sofa,
In the setting sun.
Curled up with my laptop -
Inside, painfully numb.

Fighting back the tears
I have no right to shed.
Could it hurt this much
If he lay there dead?

I wanted him to go -
The pangs of guilt are sharp.
Five years of continuous violence,
And now we are apart.

A strong bond of twinship
Though dulled by years on drugs,
Still pulls our hearts together.
And now I miss his hugs.

I pulled back from the overaffection,
From the violence, the tension, the fear.
I wanted back the life -
The family that never was here.

The glow of the setting sun,
Pulls my eyes away from the screen.
How he would love to see it!
See him photographing in a dream.

Now I'm pulling back from the pain,
From my mother's broken soul.
From my father's hidden sorrow,
Will we, can we ever be whole?

Blame to one another
Will never help us now.
Nursing our wounds in silence,
Can we reach each other? How?

Why was this allowed?
The silence, aching pain?
Why the years of torment
With the absent ache as gain?

Why didn't God make him normal?
Why our family not made as one?
Why present a united front
When inside we're cracked and done?

Why did God let this happen?
He could've stopped it, I know.
Is this a test of Satan,
Or our trust in God to show?

Why allow the frustration and pain?
Why the sorrow, the stress and the tears?
Why the cracked and bleeding hearts?
Why the agony of worried fears?

Is this a trial like Job's?
Devilish means to show unrighteousness?
In that, he will fail, for we
Have none; Jesus Christ is our dress.

Trusting God through the blackness of night.
Trusting God through the clamour of hell.
Trusting God til we see face to face.
Til the answer to "Why?" He will tell.

August 23rd, 2010