Never Again!

No! No! Never again!
Never will I choose
To carry that shame.
No! No! Never again!
I'm sick of the victim
And of fearing the pain.

I don't care what You do,
To reform me, refine me
And shape me like You.
I want to be strong
To carry the hurt,
And flee from the wrong.

The trials You give me
Are designed to test
And to make me like Thee.
The ones I lead myself to
Will twist and corrupt me
Lead me far from You.

I'm tired of wasting my words,
Of promises broken,
Of causing such hurt.
God, I want to be sure
I won't do this again.
Provide me the cure!

Cleanse my evil heart within,
Wash me and purge me
Cleanse me from my sin.
No! No! Never again!
Make me run from temptation,
Your life to regain.

I hate it when people look and see
A sintwisted, perverted
And filth covered me.
Lord, make it so that they will find
Me broken and crushed
With You possessing my mind.

Some may call me crazy,
I laugh in wonderment,
You never saw my past so hazy.
God, take my hand and don't let me flee
Back to the "easy" path,
Ending in separation from Thee!

Words Cannot Tell

I wrote this at the Squadron. Seems to be the one place in real life I emotionally let go. A big thank you to 196 staff for their support right now.


The lines are irregular, but on due consideration I won't be changing it.


I want to write
And cannot find
The words to tell
What's in my mind.
How can I tell
The sobs that tear
Me inside out?
Emotions wear
My heart right down.
I cannot find
The words to say
What's in my mind.

Scrawl on paper,
Simple words
That cannot write
The way I hurt;
The feelings that
Compulsively
Drive me to try
And hurt me.

To alleviate
My emotional pain -
Physical hurt.
But what's to gain?
I want to take
From scars so deep;
The hurt inside
Forced me to weep.

Where can I take
My deepest grief?
Words are failing -
So's underneath.
The bottom of
My life fell through;
Where can I go -
And tell - who?
Lord, You reign,
High over all.
You see me
Whenever I fall.
Right now, bleeding
And trying to fight,
My God! Don't leave me
In this night!

To Thee, my Rock,
Alone, I cling.
Saviour, to Thee
My grief I bring.
Your Arms around me
Hold me near.
You quell my grief
And calm my fear.
Into Your Face
I look, and know
With love, You cause
This for me to grow.


In Christ Alone,
Soli Deo Gloria.

Jane Johnson,
March 24, 2011

It's Like A Dream

It’s like a dream.
I stand open mouthed, watching myself
In awestruck horror. How can I stoop
To letting them use me this way again?

It’s like a dream.
Part of me retreats into myself.
What excuse can I have this time
To explain what has gone on?

It’s like a dream.
A reality dream to crush a dream,
Not believing that the dream I want
Most to live won’t die.

It’s like a dream.
Allowing them to laugh and jeer
To look me over like an object
Treating me as no more than a harlot.

It’s like a dream.
A repeated nightmare ever living
Why am I allowing the name of God
In His daughter to be defamed?

It’s like a dream.
To save His name I deny Him.
How much more traitorous and
A worthless wretch can I be?

It’s like a dream.
I know He can forgive me
And I know He still loves me,
But I don’t feel worthy of it.

It’s like a dream.
Shaking with fear, I think
Of the man I love whom also
I have betrayed by allowing this.

It’s like a dream.
I fear his response,
I fear his kindness, love and pity.
I am afraid of him.

It’s like a dream.
I did this to hurt myself
So badly that I would cease dreaming
Because I fear that dream won’t live.

It’s like a dream.
I can’t believe this is me
That is doing this action replay.
Gutter rat, crawling back.

It’s like a dream.
A horrid nightmare.
I daren’t embrace the other
And maybe that’s why.

It’s like a dream.
And I’m going to turn
My back on it and reach
Out for the one I want to live.

It’s like a dream.
And one I will try to forget
And pray to God that someday
I can live my true dream.

It’s like a dream.
And if so, it will end.

Fire! Fire!

Iridescent flame, burning brightly through the night
Of the darkness I've reentered, turning me from the Light.
Its multi, gaudy colours call the wild beast in my soul.
Its weirdly flaunting, luminous flame pulls me from the Goal.

Irresistable flame, burning near to me then far,
Like a will-o'-the-wisp, or an unattainable star.
Tell me why we fly at a beckon to lusts we never fulfill,
When all that we desire is achievable in His Will.

Incandescent flame, that sets me on fire inside,
Calling out my lusts and sins, my passions, fear and pride.
Reaching out my hand to grasp, I feel it singe my skin,
And watch what I've loved all my life fall to ashes within.

Illuminating flame, showing sins that grieve my God;
Ignoring the pain we cause Him, eager for the world's nod.
Chasing the glittering tinsel, reaching for baubles instead of gold,
Years later we realise all of the loss of the priceless thing we sold.

Inglorious flame, still burning, still calling me away.
Ignomious glory for which I sold my soul today.
Snatched before it's in my grasp, I fall flat on my face in quicksand,
Surrounded by the laughs and jeers of those who encouraged me onto this ground.

Brilliant Light, still shining, so high and far above,
Still looking down with pity and everlasting love.
Can You forgive and take back a gutter rat such as I?
I'm dying to give it all to You, and watch that flame flicker and die.

Burning Light in anger, consuming up the flame.
Showing me how worthless was its dancing and its shame.
As Moses standing before the bush, I stand, thinking how odd...
I reach out to the nondestroying consumer, and touch the Hand of God.

With Last Christmas Pounding...

Fighting a battle and a war is raging,
A battle for my soul is staging,
Trying to run, trying to flee,
Trying to come back and find the true me.
I can't find me until I've found God.
Yet I never listen - isn't that odd?
Stubborn, don't learn from my past mistakes,
Beating my own course with whatever it takes.
Driving on through pain and fear,
Causing more each passing year.
So much of my life has been wasted;
Who would care if I finished up and take it?
I know now what a fool I've been,
The path is closed, I can't go back again.
Stretching out hands in misery,
As I cut off those who would help me.
Blind, destroyed, lost and confused,
The darkness leaving my soul bemused.
Is it them that go or me that leaves?
The circumstances trigger the memories.
Fleeing and running, I still carry on,
Trying to return, living a time bomb.
Waiting for the explosion beneath,
And who's gonna be there to catch me, to catch me...

Chorus:

It's Jesus, He is always there.
It's Jesus, within sound of a prayer.
Jesus is waiting to take you in His arms,
With those blood soaked hands that you fought so hard.
It's Jesus Who turns your darkness to light,
It's Jesus Who reaches into your night.
It's Jesus you're fighting so hard to flee,
It's Jesus Who still loves, still loves me...

It's Jesus Who has taken your life's explosion.
It's Jesus Who saved your soul from it's implosion.
It's Jesus Who with breaking heart,
Reaches out to heal and give you a new start.
Why am I running so hard away...
I claim to want one thing, but my actions say
That I'm pushing You out with everything I am.
I can't take the pressure and down more slams.
I push to see how much they care
They can't take it and go somewhere.
So I shove away those that would betray me,
Including those that still love me.
Hiding, running from the deathly pain.
The feelings all dry and I can't feel again.
Amazing how I can't control those walls -
The pain so deadly, I killed it all.
Didn't mean to kill all love through as well,
But to love again would invite pain like hell.
Battering down pain as friends leave like snow,
Love joy and trust so quickly go.
In this whirl of emotion, I find I've lost
My Christ-centred goal, at a terrible cost.
Where am I going? My God, can You see
Can You even now reach me?

Masquerade

It is marvellous to see
I can still pretend so perfectly!
Making new friends and laughing again
Hiding away my heart of pain.
Offering encouragement and words to bless,
Showing them strength and happiness;
Who can guess what lies beneath?
The scars and wounds and ugly grief?
My pillow is no longer wet at night,
As I start out on my brand new life.

I pull those near who lean on me,
And push away those who my mask see.
I live a life that I pretend,
Giving life, love, joy right to the end.
I turn my heart to search for God,
And wonder why my soul feels odd.
It's like it's gone and withered away,
I wonder if it will come back today.
For hiding the pain of the past for tomorrow,
Has made me shy from too many sorrows.

I've made them promises I can't keep -
Alone without God holding me on my feet.
I've promised to be there, not to leave them alone,
As long as God permits, to share their groans.
How long can I withhold myself
And reach their hearts while keeping mine on a shelf?
To love and withhold, to support and not be,
To stand there a lie for someone else to see.
I share your joys and tears and pain;
But don't push me to share my heart again.

For it's quite funny, how easily
People believe the mask that they see.
They want to believe that you're faithful and true
But can't see the sorrows that pulled you through.
We need people to lean on but deny the power
That makes you run to them in your lonely hour.
So vulnerable, hurt so visibly
So tender and confused as you turn to me.
I reach out gently to hold your hand...
But withhold myself as I start to stand.

Divorce

Sitting here watching your face,
Watching you fight back the tears
As you hold your baby and your heart
Hidden close from your friends.

Aching for the pain you experience
So broken and smashed up from past relationships.
Trying to trust the man you love
Who is worthless and self centred.

Watching you look adoringly at your baby,
Through the agony you suffer inside.
Trying to make the right decisions for her -
Suffering emotional abuse.

She will go through this too...
You will suffer so much watching her suffer.
Go now, free yourself from the chains...
Or watch your baby grow up as scarred as you.

Emotions aren't everything, darling...
Let it go. It's not just you now...
Set your heart free...
And learn to heal.

Pain

Hurt me.
I don't care what you do,
But hurt me.
I rip back the skin, exposing my heart to your touch.

Lash me.
Snap back your whip and cut,
Deeply embedding it into my heart.
I can no longer stand the pain I am enduring.

A tiny burn
Hurts far, far more than a third degree.
Burn me deeply,
Cauterise this bleeding hole so that it hurts no more.

Cut me.
Crush my heart and smash it,
Break me down.
Level me to the ground and drag me through the dirt.

Speak cruelly.
Don't stay by me any more.
Go away.
Cut the cord and free me from my lasting pain.

Can't you see?
You say you want to help me.
Then help me.
By stabbing me so deeply this pain will hurt no longer.

Broken Relationship

Stop crowding me; stop pretending you care.
It's been way too long since you left me...
I know he needed all your love and attention.
I knew it and have known all along
That he needs way more than me.
I'm sorry I snapped under the strain and tension.
I'm sorry I gave way and added to your depression.
But I couldn't cope, with my own sorrow
And I couldn't reach you. You tuned me out.

I know why you didn't want me too close.
You'd been hurt by the guy who should've cared
Who should've loved you and held you
Guarded and lead your heart the way you needed.
Who should've been sensitive to your needs
And opened to God's direction to heal your marriage.
You are afraid of anyone coming close,
Knowing your sorrow and pain deeply again.
You're afraid to trust, afraid to be open to be hurt.

I understand so much. My sister and I...we're so much like you.
We're all three of us sensitive and emotional beings
Trying to be strong, fighting to get through life.
I denied I was like you so long, and even now
I like to think at times that I'm more hard than both of you.
I hope so; I hope I've learned the lessons from both of you
And spare myself from the same kind of pain.
Although in a strange way, I'm going through it myself...
And doing exactly what you did - I'm pulling away.

You hit me where it hurt without mercy.
I pulled back from you, and then of course - he took your attention.
He needed it - I've never argued that. Just sometimes
When it seemed like I needed and tried to reach out to you,
You were so distant, always thinking about him.
I pulled back, back to my friends...and got hurt by them.
But you aren't there...you weren't there.
Even now, when I try to share my interests and joys with you,
You always find something to criticise and condemn.

There's caution and there's a complete putting-down.
Why can't we find a level between the two?
Why don't we share any common interests, and why
Can't we enjoy the differences between our common interests
And encourage each other in them? After all, I don't condemn
Your interest and I do try to fake some kind
Of sharing pleasure in what interests you. But you're
Rarely willing to try and find something in mine without condemning.

Sometimes I can sense the desperate frustration as we
Try to find a way to communicate with all our barriers.
You want to reach me, and I want to reach you.
But we can't reach out through our mutual pain.
I daren't share my secret life with you - for you've condemned
And hurt me way too often before. I'm not willing
To be open to that kind of pain again. Can't you see?
You're built exactly the same way as me. We're the same!
We both - can't - face that pain again!

But right now, please...you can't force me to come back.
You pushed me away when I needed you most. And now
I need them. And they need me. Can't you see that?
We all have pain - and I can't help you. They can't help
What they do to try and ease that pain. How would you react
If you knew I'd done exactly the same? If you kick me
Away from them now, you will destroy the one thing that's left
That holds me to some level of humanity, to some softness.
I am so afraid of having to decide my life's fate right now.

But you're going to push me to it if you take away
My friends, the only ones who know me and still love me.
Who criticise and don't try to do it to hurt me,
Don't take them away. Or you'll push me even further.
Mom, listen to my heart by looking at your own.
I'm sorry things are like this. I'm so, so sorry.
And I know - I can never, never tell you how much
That God is using these friendships to help me,
Because I can never reveal my true self.

Stop trying to take them away.
Stop trying to force me to be what I cannot.
Stop trying to deal with me like you couldn't.
Try to understand.
Try to see me in you.
I'm so sorry it had to turn out like this.
I'm so sorry I turned out this way.
I'm sorry this can never be spoken aloud.
Oh Mom. I'd never dare to show you this.

Because we don't understand.

Steps

One step forward and ten steps back.
Of faith in God is there a lack?
A refusal to follow Him complete
To trust Him with all my needs?
Yesterday now seems, oh, so black.
I took one step forwards and ten steps back.

One step forward, ten steps back.
The veneer of confidence begins to crack.
God shows idolatry, unforgiveness within;
He's convicting me of all my sins.
Fearing the mirror, I begin to run -
One step forwards means ten steps gone.

One step forwards and ten steps back.
A burden grows heavier as I'm laid on the rack.
Crucifying self is no easy thing;
To the foot of the Cross, my guilt I must bring.
Surrending all areas - I must - it's a fact.
Or it's one step forwards and ten steps back.

Jane Johnson
31/10/10

Auf Wiedersehn

Why am I writing something grand
So people will want to read?
After all, who cares of the heart
That's scratching for words while it bleeds?
Who cares of the struggle to find a rhyme
To make it poetic and pretty?
Who cares of the agony that lies beneath,
That creates a nice little ditty?

A poem of friendship, a sad little story
A heartbreak lies beneath.
Grow up, will you, and see a soul,
Of pain and distrust and grief.
Look at me and see my soul
It's crawling, waiting to be kicked.
Just look down and aim the blow.
It's the waiting makes me feel sick.

Oh, come on. This was coming long ago.
Just open your eyes and see.
That the sheer patheticness of life
Is a cause of agony.
Sure, we should sit back,
Take pleasure and passivity with pain.
I'm sorry; I can't go through that.
Surely you see I can't do it again.

I'm a bundle of emotions I don't understand.
Mistrust, agony and fear.
Of wanting to go where I don't want to go,
Of learning to stop shedding tears.
I want all the pain to stop; I don't care how,
It will hurt when I kick the door shut.
Will it hurt if I leave it open more, than
If I slam it now and lock it up?

Open your eyes, my soul is before you.
I'm tired of playing with words.
Hear me now as I speak my uncertainty,
In no uncertain terms.
Would you see why I must hurt myself and you
In a battle I'd rather not undergo?
After all, a friendship's replaceable.
Let's just wave goodbye and let go.

Let go, never to talk any more.
Let go, never to chat.
Let go, never to know how life goes.
Somehow that seems, oh, so flat.
The pain and mistrust and doubt
Is something I can't cope with right now.
Trying to pretend everything's all right,
Makes it even worse, somehow.

So knowing we're doing a good shot
In the long run; to make it right.
We really ought to make up our minds,
And with a shaky goodbye, wave goodnight.
It's easier for future, for past and for now,
To let go before we get bitter.
Goodbye, dear friend, God bless, au revior,
I run away before you see my tears glitter.

Autumn

The vibrant colours fade from the petals,
Brown holes grow as they start to die.
The golden leaves grow brown, then black;
Veins protrude as they wither and fly.
The trees release their heavy loads,
Lift their bare arms to the sky.
The earth looks barren, subdued and cold -
Its heart a reflection of mine.

Seasons come with sparkle and silence
Stealing a march to December.
Time and again, the summer is followed
By autumn to the year's cold embers.
Why does the spirit of man change so?
Why are we as fluctuating as weather?
Why does the first sign of grief or pain
Send us flying behind a shield of never?

Never again will I face this pain,
Never deal with it or learn to accept.
I know that if I don't take the pain
My growth will be stunted; my life a regret.
But I have dealt with induced pain before,
It took a year to heal the deep wound.
I can't take any more right now -
The scars from the last are too recent, too soon.

Sitting on the edge of the lake,
Watching the ripples on the surface,
Studying the intrinsicate beauty
Of leaves dancing a colourful race.
I remember that I have been saved
From a fate on earth worse than death.
But still hangs over my mind
The shining sharp blade; I catch my breath.

I'm trying the rock loud and heavy,
It's not working to ease the pain.
Oh no! God, please come and save me.
I can't stoop to that again.
The evil laughter from my past comes closer
Waves the image in front of my eyes.
"You went there; you can again,
Don't hide in a mock up of pride."

The wind rushes over my hair,
Blowing strands in front of my eyes.
A sunlight beam causes a glitter;
I look up in silent surprise.
I know God is standing there before me.
Somehow I didn't expect Him that near.
Nor did I think He'd come right now,
As I'm lost in my guilt and my fear.

I only have to look into His eyes,
So tender, so suffering in empathy.
And glance at the wounds in His hands and side...
And I can understand His agony.
He suffered in person and soul and mind
He went through all that He had to go,
To stop me from raising that glint edged knife
To prevent me from ever falling so low.

There's only the options of fighting my fear,
And stooping to torture myself once more.
But as soon as the chat screen opens out
Logic flees and emotions come rushing out raw.
I eye the knife and pursue the rock
And drench my pillow with tears at night.
There's only the options of block and delete,
Or suffering deeply and continuing to fight.

The autumn of friendship is waning fast,
The storm clouds roll rumbling overhead.
The gusts of wind strike the trembling leaves
Blowing them apart, into miniscule shreds.
The storms of life beat helplessly on
The one grounded solidly in the Rock of Christ.
I'm still insecure, still wandering back.
Still incapable of security, try as I might.

I know I should surrender my sorrow to Him,
My pain, my deep fear, my mistrust.
The autumn of friendship paces rapidly on,
The memories will soon fade to dust.
A close friendship can vanish and memories dim,
The person once so close become shadow,
This is the way I have chosen to go.
This is the way of tomorrow.

Buildin' Those Walls

Buildin' those walls that are well founded -
Deep dug, solid built and very well grounded.
My heart is the centre of the citadel.
And it won't surrender after the last shell.

Chorus:
Aching hearts,
Crying tears,
Subdue that pain
Crush those fears!

One good defence is sarcasm,
An even better wall is cynicism.
I'm hurting myself; I can feel the ache.
I'm gonna kill this with whatever it takes.

Runnin' from you, hiding from pain.
I'm gonna build up these walls again.
Nothing's gonna get through - love nor hate.
Only one solid wall, you won't find a gate.

I still wanna be your friend -
Just don't pry cause I won't bend.
Get underneath and I will run away.
I've had way too much betraying today.

Getting tough is the defence I've gotta build,
Life will be better when the gaps are filled.
They won't be filled, but they will be covered -
When all the pain is finally smothered.

Sure, I got a long way to reach this end,
But then you see, there won't be pain again.
It's a long run, but the best there's to be.
Go away, I'm fine from now, leave me.

What Next?

I wonder what will happen now.
Finally they have left. I am completely and utterly alone.
What course shall my life take now?
I am determined
In spite of all
That it will not follow the path it would have three days ago.

A change was being made -
I was starting to see light, joy and peace.
Now a further change has come -
Cutting me from
The hope gleaming within.
I will turn my back and carry on.

I will reap some measure
Of happiness and store up some tiny crumbs
And hope to lay them at my Master's feet someday.
How can I hope to follow
Living out of His will?
I will survive.

There is one who will stand
Heart aching for what I could have been.
But will stand irremovable.
Then THAT OTHER will
With calm cool sense
Put his arm over his shoulder and lead him away.

I knew this would happen. I saw it coming weeks ago -
The day he'd turn away.
And I would shrink back.
Now twin demons
Of resentment and bitterness
Peer from my hard eyes and set face.

The other will reassure him
He has done the right thing - cutting me loose.
If I hadn't enough willpower
To stay the course
Alone with God,
It was not his business. It's mine.

It's true! I laugh in defiance.
Because finally, I am alone.
Me and God.
What will happen now?
For now - I continue to live.
Day. To day. To day.

Goodbye, all friends.
Welcome, lonely emptiness.
I will teach myself never to trust again.

Searching For Answers - Revised

Searching for answers - where lies the truth?
In the Scriptures I search to uncover the proof.
The commands are there - the barriers are not.
The lines must from my heart be begot.

Searching for answers - I struggle for truth.
I'm searching and someday I know I'll find proof.
The darkness drew me into sin and despair -
I know there's no answers in the guilt trip down there.

Blackness and guilt and sin covered me.
By and in the blood of Jesus, I know I'm set free.
His love surrounds me, His peace to still -
I'm right and at peace if I'm living in His Will.

Searching for answers - I must draw the line.
Using the facts shady paths to define.
I know this in my head - it must come to my heart,
Or else light and Truth once again will depart.

I wish I knew certainly the boundaries drawn;
Then there'd be no end to the jubilant dawn.
There is still fear lying deep in my heart -
That once more I'll stumble and the joy will depart.

Searching for answers. Searching for Truth.
Searching for God. In Him will be proof.
There's no answers in shady grey or the black.
I can't find them in white, but I know they won't lack.

Strong belief, sincere faith! Oh come, dwell in me!
Shine in my heart with light of eternity!
Wisdom, fill my heart, not my head, with thy truth.
Bring me to God, for in Him I'll find proof!

Searching for answers - in Him lies the Way!
I'll stumble when my faith fails - alack the day!
Oh God, keep me strong, make me true, keep me pure.
Heal my heart and its wounds - for Thou art the Cure.

There is little more I can say to explain.
I'm still trying to ease and get out of my pain.
But I know in my heart that God lives, reigns above -
When I believe - my heart will dwell in the shade of His love.

~ Jane Johnson

Dried Up

Blankness.
A state of mindless numbness.
A lack of feeling.
Have my emotions reached such a pitch
That to cope with them, my mind has shut down?

Memory, once strong, fails.
Life, once beautiful, is black.
Hope and love and laughter
Is a fading, fleeting memory.
I forget as I face the darkness.

Empty - my heart.
Cold - my feelings.
Pain - my conscious emotion.
Deadened - my reaction to it.
Circular - my thinking.

Where did I change?
Where has my heart gone?
What lies ahead of me?
How did I get here?
Will I ever be able to feel again?

But even this
Is better than the pain which
Drove me to self harm.
This deadness of mind
This painless numbness.

My body stumbles along,
I drag it from day to day.
Wearily along the road,
And people see my sad face
And wonder.

I no longer stand out from them.
My heart has been broken like theirs.
My mind has been polluted as theirs.
My emotions deadened by addictions - as theirs.
Yet this I curse in myself which I cannot lay at them.

I knew the Light. And they have not.

Unrhythmed Heartflow

I wish people could see me as I am.
Not what they see as me, but what I see as me.
For I know me better than anyone else, and my eyes paint a truer colour.
They say they see me with God's eyes, but I see faultiness in their thinking.
So how can I believe that humanity sees me with God's eyes?

Some people meet me and judge me by what they see.
How many people can see there is more than one facet to my soul?
I am not just the jovial, fun loving girl.
Nor am I the sober, serious, intelligent student.
I am not a bright, polished, admirable jewel of a woman of God.
The girl who opens the deep anguish of her soul to the few that love me, is not just me.
I am more than this. I am these put together, intertwined, with people seeing more of one particular side than any other.

I can be wistful, entertaining, educational, intellectual, bright and dark at a whim.
I can be cynical, sarcastic, dark and bitter, moments after being light hearted, sparkling and vivacious.
Why do people say I am wonderful? Worthful? Amazing? Awesome?
Why can't they see what I see in me?

Gutter dirt. Dragged through the darkness and in sin of my own choosing.
I look at the bright gleam shining above my head, what I once was, and shudder, turning away.
I hate myself for becoming what I despise, stooping to what I loathed, and doing it willingly.
I cannot forgive myself for what I have done. Days can go by and I live on the froth of the moment, never daring to turn my eyes to the howling beast that crawls within.
For if I turn my eyes and contemplate for one moment longer with consciousness, and not just explore on the surface, the corrupted being I am now, then my face would be soaked with tears I would be powerless to stop.
And I cannot afford that. Not here. Not now.

I cannot stoop to showing the me that is to the people around me.
I am afraid of their pity, afraid of their dislike, afraid of their acceptance.
I long to fight this out and free myself of the fear and the hatred and the passion within. But I cannot let the tears flow. I fight them daily.
I fear my family, none of who know what I have been through completely.
But when the lightning of my deepest sin flashes vividly like a searing fire on my memory, I groan at the deep agony and at what my sin has cost me; I flinch back and roll from side to side at night, trying to flee the demons pursuing me with evil laughter.
I am forced to look at what I have done.

And I look at other things. At what I can do to get away from this agonising emotional anguish. This daily torment.
I cannot drink. I will not take drugs. I am frightened that if I try to dull the pain, I will not be able to stop, and will wreck my physical life as well as my emotional. That will not help.
The knife's blade is sharp...areas of flesh unexposed could be brought under the sharp edge for a momentary relief in a moment of physical agony. But I've been told it's only short. What would be the point?
Life is sacred to my God. I dare not take what is not mine, more than I have already in other areas. And it would not be the end. It is a coward's way, not to face the pain, even though that is happening anyway. And then to see my God's aweful face in condemning judgment...I shrink back in horror.

Could one flirtation have started this God-forsaken track? It has...uncontrolled...unforgiven...unrepentance...agony.
The way is so dark. What have I become?

I turn from friend to friend, taking sympathy, love, hugs, support.
I must, to help me through this darkness, or else I would stoop to the blade, the wine.
Yet I loathe the dependence I have brought on myself. I, who was there for so many, now must crawl at the feet of others, begging for understanding, wanting to feel a love which is so far away...that none of them can give...
Wanting permanent support and love from someone, yet afraid that I can never be what I need to be to deserve that.
Wanting to be someone's closest friend to try and prove that I won't let them down...but I have already betrayed that.
Pushing for people to become close to me, so that I feel needed to have a purpose to live, day to day to day, instead of dragging this shell, so lifeless inside, up and on to face another morning. And they pull away, to live their own lives.

So I go on, still searching. For the support that I cannot constantly have. For the love I desperately want and cannot have.
Must I go back to the God in Whose face I have spat, Whose wounds I have contemptuously spurned, Whose agony I have despised?
Oh, my God! Do not send me back to Thee! I have turned away too far...down to the darkness, the darkness...oh God! Don't send me back there!

Then where am I to go? Caught in the middle of the blazing light which burns searing heat into my heart and the clammy darkness, which reaches out with cold despair in its fingers, pulling, tugging at my flesh...
My hands at my head, clutching my brow. Tears tearing at me inside I refuse to shed, through fear. Fear, fear, fear. My life is ruled by fear. Fear of what I am. Fear of rejection. Fear of myself. Fear of fear.

Rejection because of my fear, or fear because of rejection by so many...hatred...confusion...misery. What will it take to come back to where I was?
God, speak to my heart and overcome me. For I know not what will happen to me now.
My hand reaches to lay hold of the knife. Will Your voice speak to arrest my soul?


Was this a poem?
I do not know.
The unrhythmed flow of my heart
Spoke out into words which in my blackest time and deepest sorrow
I cannot frame into rhyme.

God be with you all.

~ Jane