Autumn

The vibrant colours fade from the petals,
Brown holes grow as they start to die.
The golden leaves grow brown, then black;
Veins protrude as they wither and fly.
The trees release their heavy loads,
Lift their bare arms to the sky.
The earth looks barren, subdued and cold -
Its heart a reflection of mine.

Seasons come with sparkle and silence
Stealing a march to December.
Time and again, the summer is followed
By autumn to the year's cold embers.
Why does the spirit of man change so?
Why are we as fluctuating as weather?
Why does the first sign of grief or pain
Send us flying behind a shield of never?

Never again will I face this pain,
Never deal with it or learn to accept.
I know that if I don't take the pain
My growth will be stunted; my life a regret.
But I have dealt with induced pain before,
It took a year to heal the deep wound.
I can't take any more right now -
The scars from the last are too recent, too soon.

Sitting on the edge of the lake,
Watching the ripples on the surface,
Studying the intrinsicate beauty
Of leaves dancing a colourful race.
I remember that I have been saved
From a fate on earth worse than death.
But still hangs over my mind
The shining sharp blade; I catch my breath.

I'm trying the rock loud and heavy,
It's not working to ease the pain.
Oh no! God, please come and save me.
I can't stoop to that again.
The evil laughter from my past comes closer
Waves the image in front of my eyes.
"You went there; you can again,
Don't hide in a mock up of pride."

The wind rushes over my hair,
Blowing strands in front of my eyes.
A sunlight beam causes a glitter;
I look up in silent surprise.
I know God is standing there before me.
Somehow I didn't expect Him that near.
Nor did I think He'd come right now,
As I'm lost in my guilt and my fear.

I only have to look into His eyes,
So tender, so suffering in empathy.
And glance at the wounds in His hands and side...
And I can understand His agony.
He suffered in person and soul and mind
He went through all that He had to go,
To stop me from raising that glint edged knife
To prevent me from ever falling so low.

There's only the options of fighting my fear,
And stooping to torture myself once more.
But as soon as the chat screen opens out
Logic flees and emotions come rushing out raw.
I eye the knife and pursue the rock
And drench my pillow with tears at night.
There's only the options of block and delete,
Or suffering deeply and continuing to fight.

The autumn of friendship is waning fast,
The storm clouds roll rumbling overhead.
The gusts of wind strike the trembling leaves
Blowing them apart, into miniscule shreds.
The storms of life beat helplessly on
The one grounded solidly in the Rock of Christ.
I'm still insecure, still wandering back.
Still incapable of security, try as I might.

I know I should surrender my sorrow to Him,
My pain, my deep fear, my mistrust.
The autumn of friendship paces rapidly on,
The memories will soon fade to dust.
A close friendship can vanish and memories dim,
The person once so close become shadow,
This is the way I have chosen to go.
This is the way of tomorrow.