What?

The darkness is coming
The shadows are near
The sheer icy fingers
Gripping me are named Fear.
Depression and doubt
And guilt and dread,
And shame and sorrow
To me are wed.

They say there's Light
In the Power of the Son.
They say there's Peace
When the battle is won.
Am I on the side
Of winners to gain?
Am I with the losers
In the downpour of rain?

Head that is spinning
With talking double at once.
Heart that is torn
With family and love.
Friendships in battle
And fear in the soul.
Wondering when
The wounds will be whole.

Eyes that are sadness
Eyes that are bright
Eyes that shine love
In the shadow of night.
Eyes that are reading
The pain that they see.
A heart that wants to
Help it all to cease.

A life that is restless,
Feet forced on a path.
Trying to ease heartbreak
With more caused at last.
Total surrender
The peace turns to hurt...
The mind becomes dull...
Pain makes it too alert.

Confusion...torn hearts...
Friends most disappear.
Coming and going
Like shadows each year.
Guilt that haunts
Collapse that comes
God, when will it end?
I just want to go home.

Then they come, say I'm wrong.
Say I should focus on now.
"Please stop being selfish."
And you're not selfish - how?
"We'd miss you so much."
Oh really? That's great.
Don't cry at my funeral,
For then it's too late.

"Depression and despair
All words it leaks through.
I'm always still praying.
We'll get through this too."
Heard it so often.
Repeat it right now.
And I'll laugh to scorn
At the millionth vow.

So God...You're still here.
I dance to Your call.
I walk through the silence...
Listen for Your footfall.
My heart rises at Your voice,
And dances in delight.
Thank You for being here
Making silence so bright.

Never alone.

Sinner's Despair

A tearless sorrow too deep for words,
A sin repeated - can her cry be heard?
Repent and repeat
By her wayward feet.
Head hanging low, she turns away,
Can there be forgiveness for her today?

It's been offered so often before,
She accepted, then went and sinned some more.
All words, broken vows,
Pledge once more, she trow.
Head hanging low, she turns away.
Forgiveness abused. Any more today?

Numbly blank and easily angered,
How easy when fallen again more to err.
Dejection, despair,
Once again turn to prayer?
Head hanging low, at the foot of the Cross,
She falls - can she weep? For His and her loss.

Falling

Darkness is falling.
Evil thickens around
Dragging me back from whence I came.

Slowly but surely,
Every step is halted.
And I start to slide backwards.

Looking up, I see
The Light and where
I have gone from and where I'm now.

Opening my mouth.
I scream from my heart -
Oh GOD, NOT AGAIN! SAVE ME! I CAN'T!

Breaking

I think it's a state of mental exhaustion.
Or is it depression?
No time for recession.
Life's going mad like a dog at my heels.
No time to feel
And let it heal.

I want the comfort I know secure again
Numbness through pain
Ignore the stains.
Knowing that each time brings a scar,
I'm fighting hard.
Can I win this far?

Suddenly I see through everyone's eyes
The way that I
Appear without disguise.
The disgust in their hearts I comprehend,
When will it end?
I can't bend.

I don't know what to love or hate
In this mental state,
Locking my gates.
Who to keep out or to let in,
Fighting within.
I can't win.

Comfort I know I cannot seek,
I am so weak,
The sky's so bleak.
Anything around that I can use?
It's not abuse...
I've blown a fuse.

Door slammed open, voices snap,
I crumble back,
Reach for the comfort zap.
Holding it, I tremble and wish
I could deal with this,
With no cowardice.

The Past's Future

As my eyes clear from the veil of tears,
And I look forward into the misty years,
Forcibly fading my memory
I gaze on the clouds of time and see
Dark shapes of shadows from my past
Dance grotesquely on the future's mask.
With horror, I stop and realise
Each past decision has shaped my life.

So many mistakes I can never put right,
So many choices that lead me to the night.
So many friends once so dear, and now gone,
So many heartbreaks instead of having none.
So many errors I cannot erase,
Dance on the future's mist as I gaze.

I shudder and shrink from taking each step,
As shadows surround me I'll never forget.
Try as I might each figure to delete,
Their ghastly fingers reach out, driving me to my feet.
Depart, oh past, and begone and forget
That ever I knew the shapes I beget.

I reach out blindly the Lord's Hand to take
As I step forward in the future I make.
The Light reflects eerily in the inky mist,
I struggle to see God's Hand is in this.
As relentlessly onwards we go,
The shadows of the past surround me from below.

I feel the ground shaky under my feet
As our paths part, never again to meet.
I stare blankly ahead as my life falls apart
Wonder how to heal and again to start.
My gaze focuses on the clouds; with horror,
I realise this choice will be forever tomorrow.

Hearts can bleed like this and survive - it is true.
I've watched it and done it; you know, so can you.
So keep on trusting Jesus, don't give in to despair;
You know He will hear your every prayer.
Yes, He can come in and heal your heart,
He'll ease the pain without removing the scar.

Keep on going, your choices for life in the past,
God can use for good in tomorrow, though they last
Forever and the scars won't go away,
But the pain will heal someday.
Keep your eyes on the Light, don't look at the clouds -
Move your gaze and your past will be your death's shroud.

How Can You Love?

I look at my sin,
My guilt and my crime.
I look at Your glory
And wonderful shine.
I look at the purity
Radiate from Your face,
I see all Your mercy,
Wonder at Your grace.

I look at my dirt,
The shame and the fear,
I look at you and wish
You weren't quite so near.
You shine with reflected
Glory from above,
You radiate kindness
And infinite love.

I look at you and
The God that you serve,
I marvel at the wonder
Of love undeserved.
I look back at myself
To with wonder behold,
Cleansed with Christ's blood,
I'm shining as gold.

The Way I Am

Terrified,
Realise
You don't like me
The way I am.

Knowing that
Feeling flat.
I don't like me,
The way I am.

Looking in,
See so much sin.
Hate so much
The way I am.

Distant pity,
Won't leave me,
Alone and hating
The way I am.

Hating distance,
Wish you'd go once,
And leave me
The way I am.

God looks down,
With tender frown.
Starts to change
The way I am.

Knowing still,
I'm in His will,
And He loves me
The way I am.

The love I need,
Won't ever succeed.
Only God can love
The way I am.

Who I am
A special plan.
Refining me
The way I am.

Won't be free
Of individuality.
Changing me
The way I am.

So go away,
No fake love play -
God loves me just
The way I am.

Another Day

Have you any idea what lies ahead,
Why I don't want to get out of bed?
Not being lazy - I can't face
Another day.

Go to sleep completely drained
Every nerve and faculty strained.
Wake up tense, the same, to
Another day.

Running in circles and trying to do
Things I can't concentrate on around you.
Exhausted and weary, I've failed
Another day.

You ask me why I just don't care,
You scream, and I can't open and share.
Helpless words you cannot hear -
Another day.

Completely broken and trying to heal,
So many different emotions we feel -
An explosive combination.
Another day.

Wake up to the screaming, and crying
Remember last night's bitter fighting.
You wonder why you must live
Another day.

Part of the tension is trying to shield
From caustic words so you don't yield.
No good with it, I don't want
Another day.

So don't come and try to comfort me.
Don't demand to know so cheerily.
Stop pretending you know about
Another day.

I look into the future and I behold
A wondrous beam, its glory untold.
Throughout the darkness, not at the end of
Another day.

It is God with Whom I sleep and wake,
To Whom I every sorrow take.
He sees my tears when I sleep before
Another day.

Softly He takes my hand in His;
Shields and protects and blesses me with
A future hope and love in
Another day.

He strengthens me with the promise of better,
He shelters me in the stormy weather.
My Anchor holds; I face
Another day.

As I enter the battles bitter,
The Light holds steady and does not flicker.
I hurt, but hold onto the peace in
Another day.

Alone, But Not Alone

Alone, but not alone.
Even while my heart is aching,
I will trust in You.

Alone, but not alone.
Even though the storm is breaking,
I will trust in You.

Alone, but not alone.
While my tears are falling,
I will trust in You.

Alone, but not alone.
In the dark, I hear You calling.
I will trust in You.

Alone, but not alone.
My eyes weep tears of blood.
I will trust in You.

Alone, but not alone.
You wrap me in Your love.
I will trust in You.

Oh God, I'm all alone,
But in You, I'm not alone.
Help me to trust in You.

It's Like A Dream

It’s like a dream.
I stand open mouthed, watching myself
In awestruck horror. How can I stoop
To letting them use me this way again?

It’s like a dream.
Part of me retreats into myself.
What excuse can I have this time
To explain what has gone on?

It’s like a dream.
A reality dream to crush a dream,
Not believing that the dream I want
Most to live won’t die.

It’s like a dream.
Allowing them to laugh and jeer
To look me over like an object
Treating me as no more than a harlot.

It’s like a dream.
A repeated nightmare ever living
Why am I allowing the name of God
In His daughter to be defamed?

It’s like a dream.
To save His name I deny Him.
How much more traitorous and
A worthless wretch can I be?

It’s like a dream.
I know He can forgive me
And I know He still loves me,
But I don’t feel worthy of it.

It’s like a dream.
Shaking with fear, I think
Of the man I love whom also
I have betrayed by allowing this.

It’s like a dream.
I fear his response,
I fear his kindness, love and pity.
I am afraid of him.

It’s like a dream.
I did this to hurt myself
So badly that I would cease dreaming
Because I fear that dream won’t live.

It’s like a dream.
I can’t believe this is me
That is doing this action replay.
Gutter rat, crawling back.

It’s like a dream.
A horrid nightmare.
I daren’t embrace the other
And maybe that’s why.

It’s like a dream.
And I’m going to turn
My back on it and reach
Out for the one I want to live.

It’s like a dream.
And one I will try to forget
And pray to God that someday
I can live my true dream.

It’s like a dream.
And if so, it will end.

Fire! Fire!

Iridescent flame, burning brightly through the night
Of the darkness I've reentered, turning me from the Light.
Its multi, gaudy colours call the wild beast in my soul.
Its weirdly flaunting, luminous flame pulls me from the Goal.

Irresistable flame, burning near to me then far,
Like a will-o'-the-wisp, or an unattainable star.
Tell me why we fly at a beckon to lusts we never fulfill,
When all that we desire is achievable in His Will.

Incandescent flame, that sets me on fire inside,
Calling out my lusts and sins, my passions, fear and pride.
Reaching out my hand to grasp, I feel it singe my skin,
And watch what I've loved all my life fall to ashes within.

Illuminating flame, showing sins that grieve my God;
Ignoring the pain we cause Him, eager for the world's nod.
Chasing the glittering tinsel, reaching for baubles instead of gold,
Years later we realise all of the loss of the priceless thing we sold.

Inglorious flame, still burning, still calling me away.
Ignomious glory for which I sold my soul today.
Snatched before it's in my grasp, I fall flat on my face in quicksand,
Surrounded by the laughs and jeers of those who encouraged me onto this ground.

Brilliant Light, still shining, so high and far above,
Still looking down with pity and everlasting love.
Can You forgive and take back a gutter rat such as I?
I'm dying to give it all to You, and watch that flame flicker and die.

Burning Light in anger, consuming up the flame.
Showing me how worthless was its dancing and its shame.
As Moses standing before the bush, I stand, thinking how odd...
I reach out to the nondestroying consumer, and touch the Hand of God.

Give Up Hope

Give - up - hope!
I can't yet do it.
Give - up - hope!
We're not yet through it.
Give - up - hope!
Start seeing the unseen.
Give - up - hope!
Live out your life's dream.

Give - up - hope!
The echo in my head.
Give - up - hope!
And if I do, I'm dead.
Give - up - hope!
I need to dream to see
If I give - up - hope!
I lose faith in eternity.

Give - up - hope!
Just take your lies away.
Give - up - hope!
Somewhere's a better day.
Give - up - hope!
There is still a tomorrow.
Give - up - hope!
Please God, with joy for sorrow.

Give - up - hope!
Give up life as you know it.
Give - up - hope!
There's light beyond this small bit.
Give - up - hope!
I must have faith in God.
Give - up - hope!
Struggle on 'gainst all odds.

Give - up - hope!
Never shall I again.
Give - up - hope!
Life flowing with the rain.
Give - up - hope!
So little to keep me going.
Give - up - hope!
Hope is faith, not knowing.

Give - up - hope!
I can no longer cope.

Hugs

It's strange at times,
How one's heartache and weariness
Lead us to seek for physical comfort.
Sharing a house
Yet always too busy or too depressed
To share an enveloping hug.

Strange how one's soul throbs
And the whole body yearns
For arms tight around you,
Wrapped as though they won't let you go.
Holding you close to their heart,
Letting you lean on them.

How strange, how much that moment
Of holding, loving, hugging consoles.
How painful and lonely when you look
All around and there is only chill.
No one with time to spare to stand there
And fold you tightly to them.

The sensation of being lightly pressed
Close to someone's side; held lovingly.
Strange how the lack pierces the heart
That yearns so much for that tender touch.
Strange the wandering feel of loneliness
As one turns away from someone too busy.

That brief moment of tenderness shown
Can affect a life so much and show
That one is loved and cared for.
The hurried refusal and turning away
Can pierce a sensitive heart hidden away,
And leave oh, such a wistful loneliness.

First Kiss

Do you know how easy it is to destroy every defence you built up for emotional purity? For two years after God delivered me from a foolish attachment I had got deeply emotionally involved with, I fought a battle for emotional purity. For over a year, I also fought a battle with a growing attraction to a young non-Christian cadet sergeant at my Squadron.

In October 2009, I learned that he was going to leave the Squadron. Suddenly. It had a shell-shock effect, because his father - our commanding officer - had been backbitten out, and it was a horrible mess. The six of us working to uphold the Squadron had become a very close knit bunch.

I spent a day with my uncle and aunt. They saw I was depressed and asked why. I told them. Then they attacked the entire principles I had founded my emotional purity on. They said there was nothing wrong with being boyfriend and girlfriend, nor with moderate kissing. I fought back - but weakly. And by the end of the day, I had caved in and admitted to myself and them that I loved him - not admitted, but let go of the barrier to let the floodtide of emotion loose.

You see - where in the Bible DOES it have clear cut guidelines? Where in the Bible DOES it say that you can't kiss a guy? All I could find were the lines on impurity and immoral behaviour - and a ban on sleeping around outside of marriage. In the next few days I wrote my first poem that is on this site - Searching For Answers.

Now, I am starting to see that there doesn't need to be definitive lines. Yes, I judged it as the laws of the Pharisees - law on law on law to protect the original law. But there are no laws. It is a matter of choice. And we have to choose to keep those boundaries up to support the heart of the matter.

Perhaps the difference becomes when it's forced and no longer a labour of love. Then it becomes Pharisaical.

Debating the other day with someone about saving your first kiss til you're at the altar, it suddenly struck me how precious the thing really is; following, I wrote this poem.


First Kiss

When you touch your lips to mine,
Thoughts will cease, and so will time.
I'll be lost in the wonder of your love;
Precious gift from God above.
I'll love you more than words can say,
When you kiss me on our wedding day.

All the wonder of Love Divine,
Is weakly reflected in yours and mine.
United together we shall be
To love and serve Him faithfully.
A blessing that seals, He has given us this -
Our first physical union at the altar - a kiss.

With Last Christmas Pounding...

Fighting a battle and a war is raging,
A battle for my soul is staging,
Trying to run, trying to flee,
Trying to come back and find the true me.
I can't find me until I've found God.
Yet I never listen - isn't that odd?
Stubborn, don't learn from my past mistakes,
Beating my own course with whatever it takes.
Driving on through pain and fear,
Causing more each passing year.
So much of my life has been wasted;
Who would care if I finished up and take it?
I know now what a fool I've been,
The path is closed, I can't go back again.
Stretching out hands in misery,
As I cut off those who would help me.
Blind, destroyed, lost and confused,
The darkness leaving my soul bemused.
Is it them that go or me that leaves?
The circumstances trigger the memories.
Fleeing and running, I still carry on,
Trying to return, living a time bomb.
Waiting for the explosion beneath,
And who's gonna be there to catch me, to catch me...

Chorus:

It's Jesus, He is always there.
It's Jesus, within sound of a prayer.
Jesus is waiting to take you in His arms,
With those blood soaked hands that you fought so hard.
It's Jesus Who turns your darkness to light,
It's Jesus Who reaches into your night.
It's Jesus you're fighting so hard to flee,
It's Jesus Who still loves, still loves me...

It's Jesus Who has taken your life's explosion.
It's Jesus Who saved your soul from it's implosion.
It's Jesus Who with breaking heart,
Reaches out to heal and give you a new start.
Why am I running so hard away...
I claim to want one thing, but my actions say
That I'm pushing You out with everything I am.
I can't take the pressure and down more slams.
I push to see how much they care
They can't take it and go somewhere.
So I shove away those that would betray me,
Including those that still love me.
Hiding, running from the deathly pain.
The feelings all dry and I can't feel again.
Amazing how I can't control those walls -
The pain so deadly, I killed it all.
Didn't mean to kill all love through as well,
But to love again would invite pain like hell.
Battering down pain as friends leave like snow,
Love joy and trust so quickly go.
In this whirl of emotion, I find I've lost
My Christ-centred goal, at a terrible cost.
Where am I going? My God, can You see
Can You even now reach me?

Another Brick in the Wall

Yesterday, I called an end to a rapidly deteriorating friendship which had been long and beautiful for two years. This is my goodbye poem to my once close friend and dear big brother, Alex/Magos Kasen.


I wish you knew how much I miss you.
How much I really care.
How much I miss what we once had
And wish you were still there.

I'm sorry that I let you down,
That I let us drift apart.
I'm sorry that time has eased away
Our sibling love in hearts.

I'm glad to see life treating you kind,
Glad your love succeeds.
Glad to see you need me no more,
Though - come back - my heart pleads.

I know it's best we drift apart,
Let our lives split asunder.
Though I'll always regret that our seperation
Was caused by my huge blunders.

For you have to admit, I've lost everything
That once made me dear to you.
And my stubborn pigheaded ways
Means you can't pull me through.

So let's exchange a mutual hug,
Though I swear I'll shed more tears.
Another scar added to my collection
As you vanish in a mist of years.

Jane Johnson,
23-12-10

Ending Love

Heart breaking beneath my smile,
I wonder why you took a while
To realise I was in love.

Then when you saw, you turned away.
It wasn't possible today,
You can't return my love.

The deepest inner pain you cause
Without thought, cause the strong force
Ensures I'm snared in love.

You've gone away without goodbye,
I thought you wouldn't leave my side.
And now I start to kill,
To aim the knife with broken soul,
And stab down to kill, to kill my love.

Jane Johnson
17-12-10

*inspired by a friend's romance

Singleness

Since this touched the friend I wrote it for...I think I will post it here. :) God bless!


Teach me what it's like to be lonely...
Tell my heart what it is to have its sigh unknown.
Show me how to lean on myself and God,
Teach me how to be alone.

Help me understand what singleness means
How to fill the gap in my broken heart.
Enable me to reach out for God...
Help me to stand apart.

Crying, wounded, aching, alone
I turn and reach out in the stillness.
My hand connects with warm empty space...
And I somehow learn to grieve less.

Teach me what it's like to be lonely,
Tell my heart what it is to have its sigh unknown...
I reach out to the spiritual and grasp the Hand of God...
Someday....I won't be alone.

Need

Disclaimer: The emotion is taken from my past, with a view into other people's lives; I have none that this is from or for.


As the earth needs the sun,
As the tides need the moon.
As the young plants need the rain,
So my heart needs you, beloved.

As the wind smashes the sail of my boat,
As the roaring waves crush my frail bark,
Your steadfastness pulls beside me.
There for me to lean on.

As I aim to a Heavenly goal,
As I flounder in the rush of life.
Your quiet stability is there
To turn my heart back to its vision.

I lean on Christ the Rock -
Yours is the hand to guide me;
To fasten my hand to the rope
To pull me out of the crashing waves.

As the winter comes every season,
As the frost coats the trees with ice,
As the ferns are laced with delicate beauty,
So I am to you, beloved.

I refuse to admit my need of you.
I will not let you come close to me.
I push away the hand holding mine to the Rock,
For fear that you are not there.

As the shadows dance and vanish,
As the vapour condenses,
As the wind whistles and is gone,
You are a wraith that will vanish.

Can you love me through the pain?
I constantly try to be rid of you.
Your hand still reaches out
Can you reach in and touch my heart?

As the flower reaches for the light,
As the earthling stretches for Heaven,
So my frail earthenware vessel
Turns to you for support.

Like a leech on warm flesh,
Like claws latched in a death grip,
So I call for you and refuse
To let go, and yet I push you away.

Like the sun, constant and warming,
Like the rain, refreshing and new,
Like your Saviour, ever loving,
So you gently love me still

Why don't you turn from me?
Why does your love stay constant?
How can you care for me so tenderly
Healing my broken heart with your touch?

Is it possible that somehow
Beneath my conflicting self
You manage to see my damaged self
And sense how much I need you?

Oh, beloved. I do need you.

Divorce

Sitting here watching your face,
Watching you fight back the tears
As you hold your baby and your heart
Hidden close from your friends.

Aching for the pain you experience
So broken and smashed up from past relationships.
Trying to trust the man you love
Who is worthless and self centred.

Watching you look adoringly at your baby,
Through the agony you suffer inside.
Trying to make the right decisions for her -
Suffering emotional abuse.

She will go through this too...
You will suffer so much watching her suffer.
Go now, free yourself from the chains...
Or watch your baby grow up as scarred as you.

Emotions aren't everything, darling...
Let it go. It's not just you now...
Set your heart free...
And learn to heal.