Hold My Heart?

I want to cry and have no tears.
There's a heavy ache within my heart,
A sense of loneliness, even though I'm not longer empty.
A sense of missing something, of wandering in a mist.
A sense of isolation - I am alone.

I think it would be better if
I could stand there, face to face with someone
Who really and truly cares, and let out one long, loud
Earpiercing shriek. I'm tired of being misjudged, of being condemned
By one person's standards, permitted by another.

I want to scream out a wordless cry,
A howl of agony that would sound to the heavens.
I can think of nothing to say but the one name who has lived
Every single day since last October in my thoughts.
That name I am fighting to reject, to kill.

That empty hole that he has left,
Cauterised by the rejection and condemnation I received.
The use and abandoning of those who called themselves friends.
I know God is capable of filling and healing the wounds.
But it's more like I'm covering them with Him, not having them healed.

The scars left by the rejection,
By the deep and utter sense of isolation.
By the longing to reach out and trust someone,
And having it thrown back in my face.
I want to cry; I want to scream.

My scream is an animal howl -
My cry of tearless agony inside; I have no words
To voice what I wish to say, and I do not know
What I would say if I could. Where are You?
If only someone cared enough that I could break down and cry...

And cry...
And cry...
In their arms...
Without ever having to feel selfish...
Without ever having to feel like I'm taking...
Without ever being concerned about what they think...
Without ever having to hold myself back...
Without trying to retain some dignity...
Without holding onto my pride and their respect...

Is there anyone who could do that?
Anyone at all, who can deal with my grief?
No, because everyone, underneath, has scars of their own.
Everyone needs healing. No one is complete.
I can never take this from someone,
Without giving in return. Except for God.

Why are You not physical?
Why can't I feel Your arms around me, holding me close?
Why can't I sit on Your lap, knowing myself to be what I am,
And cry voicelessly until I have no more tears?
Why can't I feel You straining me tightly against Yourself?
Why can't I feel Your Hand stroking my hair, whispering words of reassurance and love?
Why can't I believe that You are there and that You do NOT judge me?

Oh God...have mercy...I am human.