Never The End

When you start, you never think
Of all the scars that it will leave.
With the blade across your skin,
You only think pain to relieve.
You never wanted to be addicted,
You thought of only living now,
While you survived, your heart was wounded
And Satan smiled and took a bow.

To cure your hurting heart, you turned
To the Father of Lies, not the Voice of Truth.
You don't want the Loser to win, but how
Is this winning when you're using him to beat him?

A scar on your arm, and a friend scrawls a verse
Joshua 1:9- Be strong and courageous.
You see it when you close your eyes,
Try to believe - but Truth's outrageous.
You wanted to be the person who's strong,
You wanted people to see that God's with you.
You wanted to live your life bold and a witness
You wanted to believe what God says is true.

You have a future, don't use past tense.
It's not wantED - it's WANT; with God, you can live.
You never lose everyone that you love.
You can never lose God; trust Him and believe.

No matter the lies you've been believing
Reach out behind the veil and grasp
The Hand of God, which has been bleeding
And waiting for this moment - at last.
It doesn't matter if you can't see
Beyond the mist of pain and doubt
God holds the cloth He has been weaving
Learn to trust by loving out...

Learn to trust by loving out.


Written by Sian Garner-Jones
Inspired by and dedicated to Kristin Dodd

Close of a Friendship

Was getting used to being alone.
The silent smile.
The shadows of people who were once there,
And now are not and never can be.
But I never realised I was
Still attached to the shadows,
And have to let go of the shadows
To let the light of a future come in.

But that means saying goodbye...
And somehow, one never thinks
Even after they're gone,
That they'll only come back to say
Goodbye.
People merge from two to one
From one to two
From old to new.

And people come, and people go
And then they wonder at my silent smile.
And wonder why, as they stop to dig a while,
Why they don't get anywhere.
Cause I know, as they will learn soon,
That the digging is going to happen,
And that they'll uncover something -
And end up trashing it and moving on.

There's something more beautiful
Always lying in the distance,
And people ruin what they have now
Just to grasp at what's coming.
It's funny, you see...
People don't understand me.
Because I silently watch and silently smile
And hide me away because they'll leave in a while.

Some folks will vanish,
Some people just leave.
Some never came,
Some promised they'd cleave.
Some said they'd stick
Every inch of the way,
And some people forget me
Back in yesterday.

However, I can take
The rude curious stare
The rough careless hands
That try and hold me then let go.
See, I've got a God Who's
More powerful than you.
What you drop, He catches,
And cares for, and loves, and holds.

Don't think I'm alone in the silence.
I'm not. I learned to find God there.
In the stillness is where you find Him.
Even in the worst, worst pain.
People don't understand. Can't. Run away. Hide.
He doesn't. He's been here before.
So when you see me talking to thin air, don't care.
I'm talking to God, cause He's there.
The only One Who really cares.

Yeah, and on a final note,
Shadows, you can go when you please.
I'm here if you need me,
And I'm not if you don't.
But please don't try and hurt me by fake concern
When you're going to go.
And last thing - don't apologise for your friendship.
Cause I believed you once. And then - it hurts.
I don't want to hurt unless it's necessary.
And that isn't.

So thank you.
God be with you.
Goodbye.

The Real Silence

So much to talk about,
So much to say.
It seems all I can do
Is push you away.
Feeling the words
Nobody can hear
And nobody ever will
View every tear.

Losing the grasp
Of knowing the words
Growing into a silence
That nobody heard.
Understanding the cries
Of others in here,
Wondering if they too
Are full of fear.

So much to tell you-
My fear is a block,
Pushing you away,
And nothing can stop.
Two Silence victims
Attempting to reach
Each other through the gap
They don't know how to breach.

It's the Silence all right
We leave with no regret,
Turn away from them
Because we forget
How to break Silence
With question and truth -
That we were in the Silence;
Soon we lose all the proof.

Sometimes I wonder
As I reach out to space
And grasp empty air
To fill my embrace
How to break Silence
And break out of it.
Can God fill the Silence
And enveloping, fit?

What can You do?
Who can reach out?
Where are Your Hands
To empty this drought?
Why am I in Silence?
Will they always forget?
What it's like to be here
To be dry, not dew-wet?

Where are You in the Silence
In the darkness and space?
Where are Your Arms
To fill my empty embrace?
Take from me longing,
Take from me will
Fill me with Thyself,
And make me be still...

Where are You?

Sinner's Despair

A tearless sorrow too deep for words,
A sin repeated - can her cry be heard?
Repent and repeat
By her wayward feet.
Head hanging low, she turns away,
Can there be forgiveness for her today?

It's been offered so often before,
She accepted, then went and sinned some more.
All words, broken vows,
Pledge once more, she trow.
Head hanging low, she turns away.
Forgiveness abused. Any more today?

Numbly blank and easily angered,
How easy when fallen again more to err.
Dejection, despair,
Once again turn to prayer?
Head hanging low, at the foot of the Cross,
She falls - can she weep? For His and her loss.

Symphony of Praise

As the tears drip down my face,
I stop to wonder at Your grace.
Message of hope come from a friend
When life's treadmill hits "never end".
Reminds me You're not done with me,
This waiting's not eternity.

I step out into the morning air,
With wondering eyes and breathe a prayer
Of thankful heart and sing Your praise,
At Your artistry through every day.
Each morning every cloud is new,
Colours fresh and breezes true.

As I whisper prayers and song,
"Be Thou my vision" as I walk along,
I feel my smallness and I smile
At Your nearness for a while.
Surrounded by Your glory close,
Peace unspeakable from You flows.

The broken flower in my path,
A laughable name in my daily track.
The excitement of home and coming online,
Being with family and friends for a time.
There's darkness and light, there's depression and praise,
Dwelling not on the storm, but on Heavenly rays.

Breaking

I think it's a state of mental exhaustion.
Or is it depression?
No time for recession.
Life's going mad like a dog at my heels.
No time to feel
And let it heal.

I want the comfort I know secure again
Numbness through pain
Ignore the stains.
Knowing that each time brings a scar,
I'm fighting hard.
Can I win this far?

Suddenly I see through everyone's eyes
The way that I
Appear without disguise.
The disgust in their hearts I comprehend,
When will it end?
I can't bend.

I don't know what to love or hate
In this mental state,
Locking my gates.
Who to keep out or to let in,
Fighting within.
I can't win.

Comfort I know I cannot seek,
I am so weak,
The sky's so bleak.
Anything around that I can use?
It's not abuse...
I've blown a fuse.

Door slammed open, voices snap,
I crumble back,
Reach for the comfort zap.
Holding it, I tremble and wish
I could deal with this,
With no cowardice.

Thankfulness

As I wake up in the morning, atmosphere already stressed,
I finally rise to the morning sun - and realise how much I'm blessed.
As Joseph picks another fight, I'm tempted to despair;
So know I must drop to my knees and send an upward prayer.

When I see my mother's bruises, she took so he wouldn't hit me,
And I want to hurt myself for letting her be hurt so badly;
A wooden beam comes into mind, raised on Golgotha's hill -
The Christ Who died there for our sins, innocent, by free will.

When the voices raised and sharp cause me to shiver and shake,
It reminds me that the Lord's voice makes the earth to quake.
When I look around and see this house never to be ours,
I think that our body's temporary, and soon goes in fleeting hours.

The beauty of my own home sometimes grieves me bitterly,
So does the loss of the father who I may ne'er again see.
Beyond the clouds in ceaseless time is my eternal Home,
And God's my Heavenly Father, Who will never let me roam.

Inward pride of independence rises in my heart,
When people offer clothes and money to help us make a start.
When Jesus came unto this earth, He was homeless too,
And leaned on God to provide - and people, mostly, through.

Some entertain ministering angels - they're called friends today.
People who will stick by you, and help through the difficult way.
So many others point the finger, or are Job's comforters;
They cannot see the hand of God in trials - those poor doubters.

Blessed be the Name of God, Who gives and takes away;
Who can strip of all He gifts, but Himself will stay.
He can ease the burdens or increase to shape His will -
Each daily trial and testing only our flesh to kill.

If we will to will to God each day and every task,
He will make us weak so He can give strength when we ask.
The blessing's only found when in each great pain joy we find -
And thankfulness and praises unto God with willing mind.

The Past's Future

As my eyes clear from the veil of tears,
And I look forward into the misty years,
Forcibly fading my memory
I gaze on the clouds of time and see
Dark shapes of shadows from my past
Dance grotesquely on the future's mask.
With horror, I stop and realise
Each past decision has shaped my life.

So many mistakes I can never put right,
So many choices that lead me to the night.
So many friends once so dear, and now gone,
So many heartbreaks instead of having none.
So many errors I cannot erase,
Dance on the future's mist as I gaze.

I shudder and shrink from taking each step,
As shadows surround me I'll never forget.
Try as I might each figure to delete,
Their ghastly fingers reach out, driving me to my feet.
Depart, oh past, and begone and forget
That ever I knew the shapes I beget.

I reach out blindly the Lord's Hand to take
As I step forward in the future I make.
The Light reflects eerily in the inky mist,
I struggle to see God's Hand is in this.
As relentlessly onwards we go,
The shadows of the past surround me from below.

I feel the ground shaky under my feet
As our paths part, never again to meet.
I stare blankly ahead as my life falls apart
Wonder how to heal and again to start.
My gaze focuses on the clouds; with horror,
I realise this choice will be forever tomorrow.

Hearts can bleed like this and survive - it is true.
I've watched it and done it; you know, so can you.
So keep on trusting Jesus, don't give in to despair;
You know He will hear your every prayer.
Yes, He can come in and heal your heart,
He'll ease the pain without removing the scar.

Keep on going, your choices for life in the past,
God can use for good in tomorrow, though they last
Forever and the scars won't go away,
But the pain will heal someday.
Keep your eyes on the Light, don't look at the clouds -
Move your gaze and your past will be your death's shroud.

Never Again!

No! No! Never again!
Never will I choose
To carry that shame.
No! No! Never again!
I'm sick of the victim
And of fearing the pain.

I don't care what You do,
To reform me, refine me
And shape me like You.
I want to be strong
To carry the hurt,
And flee from the wrong.

The trials You give me
Are designed to test
And to make me like Thee.
The ones I lead myself to
Will twist and corrupt me
Lead me far from You.

I'm tired of wasting my words,
Of promises broken,
Of causing such hurt.
God, I want to be sure
I won't do this again.
Provide me the cure!

Cleanse my evil heart within,
Wash me and purge me
Cleanse me from my sin.
No! No! Never again!
Make me run from temptation,
Your life to regain.

I hate it when people look and see
A sintwisted, perverted
And filth covered me.
Lord, make it so that they will find
Me broken and crushed
With You possessing my mind.

Some may call me crazy,
I laugh in wonderment,
You never saw my past so hazy.
God, take my hand and don't let me flee
Back to the "easy" path,
Ending in separation from Thee!

Words Cannot Tell

I wrote this at the Squadron. Seems to be the one place in real life I emotionally let go. A big thank you to 196 staff for their support right now.


The lines are irregular, but on due consideration I won't be changing it.


I want to write
And cannot find
The words to tell
What's in my mind.
How can I tell
The sobs that tear
Me inside out?
Emotions wear
My heart right down.
I cannot find
The words to say
What's in my mind.

Scrawl on paper,
Simple words
That cannot write
The way I hurt;
The feelings that
Compulsively
Drive me to try
And hurt me.

To alleviate
My emotional pain -
Physical hurt.
But what's to gain?
I want to take
From scars so deep;
The hurt inside
Forced me to weep.

Where can I take
My deepest grief?
Words are failing -
So's underneath.
The bottom of
My life fell through;
Where can I go -
And tell - who?
Lord, You reign,
High over all.
You see me
Whenever I fall.
Right now, bleeding
And trying to fight,
My God! Don't leave me
In this night!

To Thee, my Rock,
Alone, I cling.
Saviour, to Thee
My grief I bring.
Your Arms around me
Hold me near.
You quell my grief
And calm my fear.
Into Your Face
I look, and know
With love, You cause
This for me to grow.


In Christ Alone,
Soli Deo Gloria.

Jane Johnson,
March 24, 2011

The Way I Am

Terrified,
Realise
You don't like me
The way I am.

Knowing that
Feeling flat.
I don't like me,
The way I am.

Looking in,
See so much sin.
Hate so much
The way I am.

Distant pity,
Won't leave me,
Alone and hating
The way I am.

Hating distance,
Wish you'd go once,
And leave me
The way I am.

God looks down,
With tender frown.
Starts to change
The way I am.

Knowing still,
I'm in His will,
And He loves me
The way I am.

The love I need,
Won't ever succeed.
Only God can love
The way I am.

Who I am
A special plan.
Refining me
The way I am.

Won't be free
Of individuality.
Changing me
The way I am.

So go away,
No fake love play -
God loves me just
The way I am.

Afraid

Waiting for you.
Fearing that
You won't come.

Quaking inside,
Fearing that
You will come.

Words bubbling up,
I can't share,
Sit and stare.

Wish I could
Open up.
Know you're there.

Afraid you'll come,
Afraid you won't.
Afraid you'll go.

Wish I could
Somehow tell
And you'd know.

The wistfulness
Need for forgiveness,
To know it's true.

To hold a hope,
We have tomorrow
Still brand new.

Another Day

Have you any idea what lies ahead,
Why I don't want to get out of bed?
Not being lazy - I can't face
Another day.

Go to sleep completely drained
Every nerve and faculty strained.
Wake up tense, the same, to
Another day.

Running in circles and trying to do
Things I can't concentrate on around you.
Exhausted and weary, I've failed
Another day.

You ask me why I just don't care,
You scream, and I can't open and share.
Helpless words you cannot hear -
Another day.

Completely broken and trying to heal,
So many different emotions we feel -
An explosive combination.
Another day.

Wake up to the screaming, and crying
Remember last night's bitter fighting.
You wonder why you must live
Another day.

Part of the tension is trying to shield
From caustic words so you don't yield.
No good with it, I don't want
Another day.

So don't come and try to comfort me.
Don't demand to know so cheerily.
Stop pretending you know about
Another day.

I look into the future and I behold
A wondrous beam, its glory untold.
Throughout the darkness, not at the end of
Another day.

It is God with Whom I sleep and wake,
To Whom I every sorrow take.
He sees my tears when I sleep before
Another day.

Softly He takes my hand in His;
Shields and protects and blesses me with
A future hope and love in
Another day.

He strengthens me with the promise of better,
He shelters me in the stormy weather.
My Anchor holds; I face
Another day.

As I enter the battles bitter,
The Light holds steady and does not flicker.
I hurt, but hold onto the peace in
Another day.

I Wonder

One has to wonder
How much you can miss
Someone so much,
Then confronted with this -
A silent conundrum
Nobody can solve.
A gap without bridge
But friendship undissolved.

In silence we listen,
We wait, watch and talk.
And I sit there wistful,
Watching like a hawk.
So utterly different
As mortals can be.
What on earth made us friends?
Why stay you with me?

Pained joy to see
Your presence is here.
Pain you're so far,
And joy you're so near.
There's no way I can draw
Us close; it can't be.
Feeling sickened, I pray
We don't drift out at sea.

I know there's an Author
Who holds the pen
Of life in His Hand,
Who knows why and when.
I know there's a Pilot
Of ships in roaring waves -
I know I've a God
Who is mighty to save!

So teach me to trust
In obedience and fear,
But of Who Thou art,
And not of Thou near.
Make my understanding
Accept all Thy will.
Help me love Thee always
In good and in ill.

Alone, But Not Alone

Alone, but not alone.
Even while my heart is aching,
I will trust in You.

Alone, but not alone.
Even though the storm is breaking,
I will trust in You.

Alone, but not alone.
While my tears are falling,
I will trust in You.

Alone, but not alone.
In the dark, I hear You calling.
I will trust in You.

Alone, but not alone.
My eyes weep tears of blood.
I will trust in You.

Alone, but not alone.
You wrap me in Your love.
I will trust in You.

Oh God, I'm all alone,
But in You, I'm not alone.
Help me to trust in You.

From the Heights to the Depths to Grace - Part One

She stood there,
Listening to everything they said.
The doubts they cast on
Everything she'd fought for the past two years.

In a matter of hours,
The emotional purity had gone, along
With the desire for physical.
They said it didn't matter that he wasn't saved.

She was weak,
She gave in because she wanted
To love him and she never
Realised the power of the emotions she was loosing.

Five months later
Saw a girl who was smashed.
She only thought that
She was having an innocent flirtation.

She gave away
The heart she should have kept
For the man God had
In store for her to give her heart to someday.

Emotions destroyed,
Self worth completely gone.
If only she was beautiful,
She believed she could've kept him from leaving.

She cried,
Day after day and night upon night.
She gave it to God,
And took it back, time and time again.

She never noticed,
That true love was there all the time.
Love that loved her,
Loved her just the way she was - crushed and bleeding.

She never thought
She was of any worth again,
So she pushed it away,
But it wouldn't leave her in her brokenness.

God held out
His offer of love still and pardon.
And He put people around
To love and hold her and tell her - He isn't done
With her yet.

It's Like A Dream

It’s like a dream.
I stand open mouthed, watching myself
In awestruck horror. How can I stoop
To letting them use me this way again?

It’s like a dream.
Part of me retreats into myself.
What excuse can I have this time
To explain what has gone on?

It’s like a dream.
A reality dream to crush a dream,
Not believing that the dream I want
Most to live won’t die.

It’s like a dream.
Allowing them to laugh and jeer
To look me over like an object
Treating me as no more than a harlot.

It’s like a dream.
A repeated nightmare ever living
Why am I allowing the name of God
In His daughter to be defamed?

It’s like a dream.
To save His name I deny Him.
How much more traitorous and
A worthless wretch can I be?

It’s like a dream.
I know He can forgive me
And I know He still loves me,
But I don’t feel worthy of it.

It’s like a dream.
Shaking with fear, I think
Of the man I love whom also
I have betrayed by allowing this.

It’s like a dream.
I fear his response,
I fear his kindness, love and pity.
I am afraid of him.

It’s like a dream.
I did this to hurt myself
So badly that I would cease dreaming
Because I fear that dream won’t live.

It’s like a dream.
I can’t believe this is me
That is doing this action replay.
Gutter rat, crawling back.

It’s like a dream.
A horrid nightmare.
I daren’t embrace the other
And maybe that’s why.

It’s like a dream.
And I’m going to turn
My back on it and reach
Out for the one I want to live.

It’s like a dream.
And one I will try to forget
And pray to God that someday
I can live my true dream.

It’s like a dream.
And if so, it will end.

Fire! Fire!

Iridescent flame, burning brightly through the night
Of the darkness I've reentered, turning me from the Light.
Its multi, gaudy colours call the wild beast in my soul.
Its weirdly flaunting, luminous flame pulls me from the Goal.

Irresistable flame, burning near to me then far,
Like a will-o'-the-wisp, or an unattainable star.
Tell me why we fly at a beckon to lusts we never fulfill,
When all that we desire is achievable in His Will.

Incandescent flame, that sets me on fire inside,
Calling out my lusts and sins, my passions, fear and pride.
Reaching out my hand to grasp, I feel it singe my skin,
And watch what I've loved all my life fall to ashes within.

Illuminating flame, showing sins that grieve my God;
Ignoring the pain we cause Him, eager for the world's nod.
Chasing the glittering tinsel, reaching for baubles instead of gold,
Years later we realise all of the loss of the priceless thing we sold.

Inglorious flame, still burning, still calling me away.
Ignomious glory for which I sold my soul today.
Snatched before it's in my grasp, I fall flat on my face in quicksand,
Surrounded by the laughs and jeers of those who encouraged me onto this ground.

Brilliant Light, still shining, so high and far above,
Still looking down with pity and everlasting love.
Can You forgive and take back a gutter rat such as I?
I'm dying to give it all to You, and watch that flame flicker and die.

Burning Light in anger, consuming up the flame.
Showing me how worthless was its dancing and its shame.
As Moses standing before the bush, I stand, thinking how odd...
I reach out to the nondestroying consumer, and touch the Hand of God.

Give Up Hope

Give - up - hope!
I can't yet do it.
Give - up - hope!
We're not yet through it.
Give - up - hope!
Start seeing the unseen.
Give - up - hope!
Live out your life's dream.

Give - up - hope!
The echo in my head.
Give - up - hope!
And if I do, I'm dead.
Give - up - hope!
I need to dream to see
If I give - up - hope!
I lose faith in eternity.

Give - up - hope!
Just take your lies away.
Give - up - hope!
Somewhere's a better day.
Give - up - hope!
There is still a tomorrow.
Give - up - hope!
Please God, with joy for sorrow.

Give - up - hope!
Give up life as you know it.
Give - up - hope!
There's light beyond this small bit.
Give - up - hope!
I must have faith in God.
Give - up - hope!
Struggle on 'gainst all odds.

Give - up - hope!
Never shall I again.
Give - up - hope!
Life flowing with the rain.
Give - up - hope!
So little to keep me going.
Give - up - hope!
Hope is faith, not knowing.

Give - up - hope!
I can no longer cope.

Hugs

It's strange at times,
How one's heartache and weariness
Lead us to seek for physical comfort.
Sharing a house
Yet always too busy or too depressed
To share an enveloping hug.

Strange how one's soul throbs
And the whole body yearns
For arms tight around you,
Wrapped as though they won't let you go.
Holding you close to their heart,
Letting you lean on them.

How strange, how much that moment
Of holding, loving, hugging consoles.
How painful and lonely when you look
All around and there is only chill.
No one with time to spare to stand there
And fold you tightly to them.

The sensation of being lightly pressed
Close to someone's side; held lovingly.
Strange how the lack pierces the heart
That yearns so much for that tender touch.
Strange the wandering feel of loneliness
As one turns away from someone too busy.

That brief moment of tenderness shown
Can affect a life so much and show
That one is loved and cared for.
The hurried refusal and turning away
Can pierce a sensitive heart hidden away,
And leave oh, such a wistful loneliness.