Symphony of Praise

As the tears drip down my face,
I stop to wonder at Your grace.
Message of hope come from a friend
When life's treadmill hits "never end".
Reminds me You're not done with me,
This waiting's not eternity.

I step out into the morning air,
With wondering eyes and breathe a prayer
Of thankful heart and sing Your praise,
At Your artistry through every day.
Each morning every cloud is new,
Colours fresh and breezes true.

As I whisper prayers and song,
"Be Thou my vision" as I walk along,
I feel my smallness and I smile
At Your nearness for a while.
Surrounded by Your glory close,
Peace unspeakable from You flows.

The broken flower in my path,
A laughable name in my daily track.
The excitement of home and coming online,
Being with family and friends for a time.
There's darkness and light, there's depression and praise,
Dwelling not on the storm, but on Heavenly rays.

Something's Coming.

I'm restless, bursting with energy,
A feeling I cannot contain.
I'm seeing the bigger picture,
In a clarity hereto yet ungained.
I sit on my bed and type,
With a room at my feet to complete -
And I know there's a world that is stirring,
With a power I have yet to meet.

I know the world out there is dark,
The lights of Christian faith burning dim.
But something out there is coming,
And I'm positive I'm burning for Him.
There's potential in so many people,
This generation is starving for more.
God has called us and set us alight,
If not to light the world, then what for?

I've been with the next generation.
The young people who sit at home
Go out to club or on a date,
Or play games and "BORED" they moan.
And been with another generation,
Young people called by God, set apart.
They have a purpose, a fire,
God, let what's coming, start!

There's an irradience, a beauty,
A passion we're dying to meet.
Oh God, what can it be
That's driving us to our feet?
We long and long to serve You,
To show Your glory and power.
But keep us waiting, Father,
Teach us patience til Your hour.

We have so much that's left to learn,
And will til eternity.
The passion, God, let it linger,
Fill our hearts with fire for Thee!
Teach us humble submission.
Teach us to love Your ways.
Remove ourselves entirely.
Then use us - to Your praise.

Half-Hearted Christianity

I'm sick of all this apathy,
In all the people around me;
Playing with money and jewellery,
Not heeding the warning and Word.

Look to see the Spirit's fire within,
Instead the candle flickers dim;
Frightened of the unknown burning that's Him:
Not heeding the warning and Word.

Tired of the half hearted worship given,
Wonder what it looks like to God in Heaven.
To fill the lack of fire, serving off emotion,
Not heeding the warning and Word.

The flame of God begins to burn,
As I am caused by His Spirit to turn.
Fire of God, cause us to discern
And hear the warning and Word.

God Who is Spirit and power and fire,
Cause my whole being to burn with desire
To serve Thee completely and step ever higher;
Heeding Your warnings, worship in truth,
Baptised with fire and hearing Your Word.

Jane Johnson,
26/2/11

Funny

It's funny how like a little girl
I feel when walking down the street.
Skipping with my arm tucked in Daddy's,
And a skirt reaching to my feet.

We both stroll happily together
Through biting chill and shops.
He gives me a £10 note,
I give a happy cry, hug and hop.

Although we often don't get along
I adore the times we do.
Daddy, you love by giving to me;
I know I'm horrid, but I do love you.

Walking along all wrapped up warm,
My hair tied back in a bun,
Daddy's wearing his big bear coat,
I've glasses and no makeup on.

It's funny how safe I feel inside
How happy and little-girl I can be,
When I don't feel I have to impress;
Caused by dress, and Daddy and me.

I stood carolling in the shopping centre,
While Dad nipped in to "the boys",
Holding the shopping and singing along,
Heart chords touched by Christmas joy.

He asked if I had room to eat
One of Gregg's marvellous sausage rolls.
I laughed, and said of course I can!
I just can't eat one whole!

We stepped inside the shop and we
Ordered one from the tired shop man.
He barely looks up as he wraps it in
A bag as quick as he can.

He hands it over the counter and
With a smile, I catch his eye,
Wish him a happy Christmas,
And to my surprise, he nearly cries.

His worried expression relaxes as
He glances to both of us,
With a softened face, he gratefully says,
"And to you - God bless."

My dad returns the blessing and
We set out for the car park near.
Jauntily happy as we walk along -
Glad God used us to give Christmas cheer.

It's funny how different I feel,
As later that night I replace
My long skirt with a knee length one,
And apply makeup to my face.

As I pull on my military shirt,
Adjust my corporal's stripes,
Slip into my parade shoes,
And get ready for the night -

I learn to deal with security,
Incompetance and fear.
The loss of three of my best friends;
Isolated and backbitten here.

My failings are held to open scorn,
My false dealings against the Light -
The Light I held forth for so long
Will be mocked because of me tonight.

Independent, I stride out,
I fight to cover my faults.
Withdrawing from the pushy crowd
Faintly fighting each religious assault.

It's funny to see the difference in girls.
One little girl, safe and secure.
The other one independent and strong,
Making walls as defences get fewer.

Which one was I meant to be?
Can't live the first all my life.
So I need to stand out there and get
A grip with daily strife.

Oh God, make me what I once was!
Help me to strive to be
The witness for Thee I once dreamed
That Thou didst destine me!

Singleness

Since this touched the friend I wrote it for...I think I will post it here. :) God bless!


Teach me what it's like to be lonely...
Tell my heart what it is to have its sigh unknown.
Show me how to lean on myself and God,
Teach me how to be alone.

Help me understand what singleness means
How to fill the gap in my broken heart.
Enable me to reach out for God...
Help me to stand apart.

Crying, wounded, aching, alone
I turn and reach out in the stillness.
My hand connects with warm empty space...
And I somehow learn to grieve less.

Teach me what it's like to be lonely,
Tell my heart what it is to have its sigh unknown...
I reach out to the spiritual and grasp the Hand of God...
Someday....I won't be alone.

A Passionate Prayer

Lord, grant that I may be
A conduit; empty of self completely.
Take everything of myself away;
Fill me with You in Your entirety.

Pour Your Spirit upon me
Within me; fill me - fill me!
Teach me of Thyself, Thy glory and purity.
Lose me within the blessed radiance of Your presence.

Fix my heart and mind on You - guard them,
Enable me to do it! Teach me
And lead me in Thy ways. Bring me
To the point where I reflect only Your blazing purity.

Burn me with Your passion.
Cleanse me of my vile impurities.
Make me willing to put You - You Alone!
First in my heart and life above these wretched idols.

Lord, if only the better part of me -
The part which You have cleansed
And in which You dwell and control -
Would forever sway the entirety of my life!

I have run my life
Downhill, into failure, disappointment,
Dark gloom, deep despair.
Lord, take over the complete control!

If only my feeble tongue could express
The passionate longing of my heart
To be possessed by Thy Holy Spirit,
To follow You in the path of Your calling.

Gone is the desire for 'my' calling.
It is as dry dust in my mouth.
Any calling is a gift from Thee -
Never, never mine. For I am Yours, and the gift is Yours.

Lord, remove these idols from my heart
Which place the burdens, gifts,
Friends, passions, visions,
Before spending time revelling in Thy Word and Presence.

Take away my bitterness,
Hatred, arrogance, deep resentment, painful heart.
None of these reflect You, my Father.
I cannot dwell in the Light of Your Presence with them.

I am powerless to change myself.
I gave myself just as I am to You.
Only You can make me something.
Only You can burn the poisoned wound and make me in Your image.

Teach me how to love
With Your love; not the world's.
Teach me to love the unlovely.
Help me to love far beyond myself and for no motive but Thine.

I tried to change so often, but everytime,
I would climb four steps and fall back, ever deeper.
I thought I had to reach the acceptable level
Of sin, before You would reach to touch me.

Why could I not see that You only
Reach out to the vilest of the vile?
To the lowest of the low, to those who no longer
Have any hope, any faith, any love, anywhere to turn?

You humbled me, brought me to the knowledge
Of where I was when You brought me
Face to face with the lowest point of my highest standard.
A boyfriend for the queen of purity.

You showed me that where others had fallen
I could also go. I wept and hated myself
For I was not what I was - I had fallen.
I forgot to seek Your face, and had adopted false humility.

You brought a long lost friend
Back into my life. He showed me
That I needed not to change myself,
For that was impossible. I needed to love.

To love? How? I questioned over and over.
I could not understand. I still cannot.
I prayed for God to teach me how to love.
Not with my love, but with His love.

He brought people into my life
Who were going through almost exactly what
I had just passed through. The darkness,
The hatred, the despair, the poison, the influence.

I pitied, I wept, I identified. But
Not as myself. But as He. For He loves them.
And because of this, He enabled me to see them
Through His eyes. And I could also see me.

As dust, dirt and ashes. Vile, repugnant, intractable.
He sees the miniscule specks He created
But He pities our weakness, remembers we are dust...
And He loves us still, waiting for us to come - as we are.

I could not change myself. They cannot,
And they cannot see that God only wants the muck.
Until we are worthless, crawling heaps, and we
See ourselves as we are - He cannot use us at all.

In striving after Christ, Lord, never
Never let me be confident in self
Pretending that is of Thee. Let me always
Remember my weakness, constantly fleeing to Thy side.

Teach me how to show those whom Thou hast given to me,
With their vulnerable trust and their aching hearts,
Teach them Thy love. Ah Lord, I cannot still understand
How You brought me out. But teach them, that they might also return.

Help me to be open and honest with them,
To be cruel, yet kind, where they need a surgeon.
Give me the wisdom that is Thine to speak what I should.
Grant me the grace to be loving and patient.

Open my heart and mind to the knowledge
And experience and understanding of Your love.
Help me to see Thy pattern and to set
My own as mentor, mother, sister, supporter after Thine own.

Fill me with Your Holy Spirit.
Crush my pride of individuality, and
Possess me completely, to the point that no one
Can see me at all. Ever. But only Thy glory in me.

Make me willing to die to self, that
This crumbling monument to grace may
Be completely willing to kill its tiny individuality
To identify with the few and bear the weight of reflecting Thyself.

Lord, I do not just wish to reflect You
I want to be possessed of You that the world may know
That You are in me. That I am in You.
Explode Your love throughout my being, that I may love as You have loved me.

Lord, my words are feeble, and my fingers stumble
As I write these words. This impassioned plea.
I long to be dead to myself, the world, and sin.
Lord, use me as a feeble monument to Thy glory
That I may, in however tiny a way, be simply a pointer to Christ.

Unrhythmed Heartflow

I wish people could see me as I am.
Not what they see as me, but what I see as me.
For I know me better than anyone else, and my eyes paint a truer colour.
They say they see me with God's eyes, but I see faultiness in their thinking.
So how can I believe that humanity sees me with God's eyes?

Some people meet me and judge me by what they see.
How many people can see there is more than one facet to my soul?
I am not just the jovial, fun loving girl.
Nor am I the sober, serious, intelligent student.
I am not a bright, polished, admirable jewel of a woman of God.
The girl who opens the deep anguish of her soul to the few that love me, is not just me.
I am more than this. I am these put together, intertwined, with people seeing more of one particular side than any other.

I can be wistful, entertaining, educational, intellectual, bright and dark at a whim.
I can be cynical, sarcastic, dark and bitter, moments after being light hearted, sparkling and vivacious.
Why do people say I am wonderful? Worthful? Amazing? Awesome?
Why can't they see what I see in me?

Gutter dirt. Dragged through the darkness and in sin of my own choosing.
I look at the bright gleam shining above my head, what I once was, and shudder, turning away.
I hate myself for becoming what I despise, stooping to what I loathed, and doing it willingly.
I cannot forgive myself for what I have done. Days can go by and I live on the froth of the moment, never daring to turn my eyes to the howling beast that crawls within.
For if I turn my eyes and contemplate for one moment longer with consciousness, and not just explore on the surface, the corrupted being I am now, then my face would be soaked with tears I would be powerless to stop.
And I cannot afford that. Not here. Not now.

I cannot stoop to showing the me that is to the people around me.
I am afraid of their pity, afraid of their dislike, afraid of their acceptance.
I long to fight this out and free myself of the fear and the hatred and the passion within. But I cannot let the tears flow. I fight them daily.
I fear my family, none of who know what I have been through completely.
But when the lightning of my deepest sin flashes vividly like a searing fire on my memory, I groan at the deep agony and at what my sin has cost me; I flinch back and roll from side to side at night, trying to flee the demons pursuing me with evil laughter.
I am forced to look at what I have done.

And I look at other things. At what I can do to get away from this agonising emotional anguish. This daily torment.
I cannot drink. I will not take drugs. I am frightened that if I try to dull the pain, I will not be able to stop, and will wreck my physical life as well as my emotional. That will not help.
The knife's blade is sharp...areas of flesh unexposed could be brought under the sharp edge for a momentary relief in a moment of physical agony. But I've been told it's only short. What would be the point?
Life is sacred to my God. I dare not take what is not mine, more than I have already in other areas. And it would not be the end. It is a coward's way, not to face the pain, even though that is happening anyway. And then to see my God's aweful face in condemning judgment...I shrink back in horror.

Could one flirtation have started this God-forsaken track? It has...uncontrolled...unforgiven...unrepentance...agony.
The way is so dark. What have I become?

I turn from friend to friend, taking sympathy, love, hugs, support.
I must, to help me through this darkness, or else I would stoop to the blade, the wine.
Yet I loathe the dependence I have brought on myself. I, who was there for so many, now must crawl at the feet of others, begging for understanding, wanting to feel a love which is so far away...that none of them can give...
Wanting permanent support and love from someone, yet afraid that I can never be what I need to be to deserve that.
Wanting to be someone's closest friend to try and prove that I won't let them down...but I have already betrayed that.
Pushing for people to become close to me, so that I feel needed to have a purpose to live, day to day to day, instead of dragging this shell, so lifeless inside, up and on to face another morning. And they pull away, to live their own lives.

So I go on, still searching. For the support that I cannot constantly have. For the love I desperately want and cannot have.
Must I go back to the God in Whose face I have spat, Whose wounds I have contemptuously spurned, Whose agony I have despised?
Oh, my God! Do not send me back to Thee! I have turned away too far...down to the darkness, the darkness...oh God! Don't send me back there!

Then where am I to go? Caught in the middle of the blazing light which burns searing heat into my heart and the clammy darkness, which reaches out with cold despair in its fingers, pulling, tugging at my flesh...
My hands at my head, clutching my brow. Tears tearing at me inside I refuse to shed, through fear. Fear, fear, fear. My life is ruled by fear. Fear of what I am. Fear of rejection. Fear of myself. Fear of fear.

Rejection because of my fear, or fear because of rejection by so many...hatred...confusion...misery. What will it take to come back to where I was?
God, speak to my heart and overcome me. For I know not what will happen to me now.
My hand reaches to lay hold of the knife. Will Your voice speak to arrest my soul?


Was this a poem?
I do not know.
The unrhythmed flow of my heart
Spoke out into words which in my blackest time and deepest sorrow
I cannot frame into rhyme.

God be with you all.

~ Jane

Heartcry

"Oh Jesus, I have promised,"
Oh, keep my eyes on Thee!
Flesh and the world draw near,
I want to follow me.
Desires are vain and fleeting,
And beauty insincere;
My heart easily sidetracked -
Oh Jesus, draw Thou near.

The goal that Thou hast set me;
The cross I must take up,
And crush these prideful passions,
And taste Thy bitter cup.
Help me to see Thy glory,
And Thy dear face beyond.
To sit at Thy feet, Jesus,
With Thy righteousness donned.

I am so weak, Lord Jesus,
I know that Thou art strong.
Help me always remember,
Self reliance is wrong.
Keep me a steadfast friend,
Make me hold up, endure.
Turn my eyes from this world,
Keep Thou my calling sure.