Half Day's Holiday

Body shaking,
Back is aching
From my skin is leaking sweat.
And I know
As poems go
This isn't quite what you'd expect.

But having fun
On potato run,
And digging them o'er and o'er.
Looking for pots,
And digging up rocks,
Is the potato hoer.

Twilight here
And darkness near
Trying to hunt the gold.
Striking a patch
Finding them match
Wishing I didn't feel old!

Lift a glass
Toast the last
Potatoes homegrown this year.
Gathering in,
For Christmas din,
More precious than gold, they're here.

:D

Something's Coming.

I'm restless, bursting with energy,
A feeling I cannot contain.
I'm seeing the bigger picture,
In a clarity hereto yet ungained.
I sit on my bed and type,
With a room at my feet to complete -
And I know there's a world that is stirring,
With a power I have yet to meet.

I know the world out there is dark,
The lights of Christian faith burning dim.
But something out there is coming,
And I'm positive I'm burning for Him.
There's potential in so many people,
This generation is starving for more.
God has called us and set us alight,
If not to light the world, then what for?

I've been with the next generation.
The young people who sit at home
Go out to club or on a date,
Or play games and "BORED" they moan.
And been with another generation,
Young people called by God, set apart.
They have a purpose, a fire,
God, let what's coming, start!

There's an irradience, a beauty,
A passion we're dying to meet.
Oh God, what can it be
That's driving us to our feet?
We long and long to serve You,
To show Your glory and power.
But keep us waiting, Father,
Teach us patience til Your hour.

We have so much that's left to learn,
And will til eternity.
The passion, God, let it linger,
Fill our hearts with fire for Thee!
Teach us humble submission.
Teach us to love Your ways.
Remove ourselves entirely.
Then use us - to Your praise.

Day of Praise

Awaking with the morning sun,
Praise God for the day begun.
Absorb it, get a sunshiny face,
And praise Him for His mercy and grace.

Come before Him in prayer and praise,
Worship Him, awed and amazed.
Look for His mercies through the day,
Glorify Him in every way.

All you do, give glory to Him,
Whether your day is bright or dim.
No matter what you're going through,
God can use it to change you.

Attitude determines good or bad,
Even though the road is happy or sad.
Joy can be found through looking to Him -
Your blessings can be seen in EVERYTHING!

So praise your Maker, bless His Name!
Praise, extol and tell His fame.
Share of His mercies, truth and Light,
And thank Him as you sleep at night.

Andrew Beals and the Coke Battle

Another amusing one I wrote with sudden inspiration after remembering Katherine Hodgson's excellent, amusing and...truth-stretching blogs on Andrew Beals' and my friendly word battles over the various vantages of Coke vs Dr. Pepper.

You see, he thought it was quite a joke,
When I threatened Andrew Beals with coke.
No, it wasn't an outlawed drug,
But a drink I love to hug.
He defied my deepest love
My liquid darling, sugar dove;
Instead preferring Doctor Pepper!
What could someone from Coke sever?
So to bring him back to mind,
I attacked him with Coke from behind.
He went crying to the judge,
Who obviously must've had a grudge;
He said, "This British girl, I see,
Has committed a crime from lunacy."
On carrying my trident to the States,
Defending my Coke with whatever it takes -
They committed me to an asylum home,
Where I can no longer roam.
Oh Andrew Beals, can't you see,
What destruction you've done to me?
With greatest loneliness, I now find
So many people leave me behind.
My meals I'll have delivered by post,
To Andrew Beals I give this toast -
"My Coke is threatened no longer, tis true.
And I won't rid the world of you."

Jane Johnson,
25/05/11

The Way I Am

Terrified,
Realise
You don't like me
The way I am.

Knowing that
Feeling flat.
I don't like me,
The way I am.

Looking in,
See so much sin.
Hate so much
The way I am.

Distant pity,
Won't leave me,
Alone and hating
The way I am.

Hating distance,
Wish you'd go once,
And leave me
The way I am.

God looks down,
With tender frown.
Starts to change
The way I am.

Knowing still,
I'm in His will,
And He loves me
The way I am.

The love I need,
Won't ever succeed.
Only God can love
The way I am.

Who I am
A special plan.
Refining me
The way I am.

Won't be free
Of individuality.
Changing me
The way I am.

So go away,
No fake love play -
God loves me just
The way I am.

Afraid

Waiting for you.
Fearing that
You won't come.

Quaking inside,
Fearing that
You will come.

Words bubbling up,
I can't share,
Sit and stare.

Wish I could
Open up.
Know you're there.

Afraid you'll come,
Afraid you won't.
Afraid you'll go.

Wish I could
Somehow tell
And you'd know.

The wistfulness
Need for forgiveness,
To know it's true.

To hold a hope,
We have tomorrow
Still brand new.

Alone, But Not Alone

Alone, but not alone.
Even while my heart is aching,
I will trust in You.

Alone, but not alone.
Even though the storm is breaking,
I will trust in You.

Alone, but not alone.
While my tears are falling,
I will trust in You.

Alone, but not alone.
In the dark, I hear You calling.
I will trust in You.

Alone, but not alone.
My eyes weep tears of blood.
I will trust in You.

Alone, but not alone.
You wrap me in Your love.
I will trust in You.

Oh God, I'm all alone,
But in You, I'm not alone.
Help me to trust in You.

From the Heights to the Depths to Grace - Part One

She stood there,
Listening to everything they said.
The doubts they cast on
Everything she'd fought for the past two years.

In a matter of hours,
The emotional purity had gone, along
With the desire for physical.
They said it didn't matter that he wasn't saved.

She was weak,
She gave in because she wanted
To love him and she never
Realised the power of the emotions she was loosing.

Five months later
Saw a girl who was smashed.
She only thought that
She was having an innocent flirtation.

She gave away
The heart she should have kept
For the man God had
In store for her to give her heart to someday.

Emotions destroyed,
Self worth completely gone.
If only she was beautiful,
She believed she could've kept him from leaving.

She cried,
Day after day and night upon night.
She gave it to God,
And took it back, time and time again.

She never noticed,
That true love was there all the time.
Love that loved her,
Loved her just the way she was - crushed and bleeding.

She never thought
She was of any worth again,
So she pushed it away,
But it wouldn't leave her in her brokenness.

God held out
His offer of love still and pardon.
And He put people around
To love and hold her and tell her - He isn't done
With her yet.

Dawning Hope

I have some strange old feelings
That tangled up, sent me reeling.
Under a new blow that I didn't foresee -
But now I know He's holding me.

Chorus:

And He whispers, Peace, be still.
When you're living in My Will,
You have nothing to fear,
My Arms are holding you near.

Though the clouds will come to shake me,
I know that they won't break me.
Cause He's put my feet on the Rock -
Himself; to me He holds the lock.

I'm guarded safe in His Hand.
No matter what dreams tumble down.
I can't believe He's let me hope -
If I were alone, I couldn't cope.

Sudden rainbows in the flood
Sunshine reflects in pools of mud.
Wild joy, unbelieving fear
Hope and doubt fight fierce in here.

And no matter what the outcome is,
I know He holds my hand in His.
He will direct your path and mine,
And give us joy in love divine.

Give Up Hope

Give - up - hope!
I can't yet do it.
Give - up - hope!
We're not yet through it.
Give - up - hope!
Start seeing the unseen.
Give - up - hope!
Live out your life's dream.

Give - up - hope!
The echo in my head.
Give - up - hope!
And if I do, I'm dead.
Give - up - hope!
I need to dream to see
If I give - up - hope!
I lose faith in eternity.

Give - up - hope!
Just take your lies away.
Give - up - hope!
Somewhere's a better day.
Give - up - hope!
There is still a tomorrow.
Give - up - hope!
Please God, with joy for sorrow.

Give - up - hope!
Give up life as you know it.
Give - up - hope!
There's light beyond this small bit.
Give - up - hope!
I must have faith in God.
Give - up - hope!
Struggle on 'gainst all odds.

Give - up - hope!
Never shall I again.
Give - up - hope!
Life flowing with the rain.
Give - up - hope!
So little to keep me going.
Give - up - hope!
Hope is faith, not knowing.

Give - up - hope!
I can no longer cope.

~I~Love~You~

This may well sound very cheesy, but. :P I wrote it on a whim, and I like it, and OYAN likes it, so I share it. :P


They say I don't know how to love.
Maybe they're right and it's true.
I only know that I'd leave behind
My lifestyle and people for you.

You came into my life and I really can't say
How exactly you came to be,
The sub-king of my heart and the love of my soul,
But the master you are of me.

I never owned lord or master before
Or ever brooked reign o'er my heart.
You came and silently took over control,
All that I've needed, thou art.

It's funny the only thing I want from life
Is only your wife now to be.
To bear, raise your children with you by my side,
To pay back all that you've been to me.

The simplest and most used words I can say
Have been used and abused much before.
I love you from the depth of my heart,
I love you right in from the core.

With Last Christmas Pounding...

Fighting a battle and a war is raging,
A battle for my soul is staging,
Trying to run, trying to flee,
Trying to come back and find the true me.
I can't find me until I've found God.
Yet I never listen - isn't that odd?
Stubborn, don't learn from my past mistakes,
Beating my own course with whatever it takes.
Driving on through pain and fear,
Causing more each passing year.
So much of my life has been wasted;
Who would care if I finished up and take it?
I know now what a fool I've been,
The path is closed, I can't go back again.
Stretching out hands in misery,
As I cut off those who would help me.
Blind, destroyed, lost and confused,
The darkness leaving my soul bemused.
Is it them that go or me that leaves?
The circumstances trigger the memories.
Fleeing and running, I still carry on,
Trying to return, living a time bomb.
Waiting for the explosion beneath,
And who's gonna be there to catch me, to catch me...

Chorus:

It's Jesus, He is always there.
It's Jesus, within sound of a prayer.
Jesus is waiting to take you in His arms,
With those blood soaked hands that you fought so hard.
It's Jesus Who turns your darkness to light,
It's Jesus Who reaches into your night.
It's Jesus you're fighting so hard to flee,
It's Jesus Who still loves, still loves me...

It's Jesus Who has taken your life's explosion.
It's Jesus Who saved your soul from it's implosion.
It's Jesus Who with breaking heart,
Reaches out to heal and give you a new start.
Why am I running so hard away...
I claim to want one thing, but my actions say
That I'm pushing You out with everything I am.
I can't take the pressure and down more slams.
I push to see how much they care
They can't take it and go somewhere.
So I shove away those that would betray me,
Including those that still love me.
Hiding, running from the deathly pain.
The feelings all dry and I can't feel again.
Amazing how I can't control those walls -
The pain so deadly, I killed it all.
Didn't mean to kill all love through as well,
But to love again would invite pain like hell.
Battering down pain as friends leave like snow,
Love joy and trust so quickly go.
In this whirl of emotion, I find I've lost
My Christ-centred goal, at a terrible cost.
Where am I going? My God, can You see
Can You even now reach me?

Masquerade

It is marvellous to see
I can still pretend so perfectly!
Making new friends and laughing again
Hiding away my heart of pain.
Offering encouragement and words to bless,
Showing them strength and happiness;
Who can guess what lies beneath?
The scars and wounds and ugly grief?
My pillow is no longer wet at night,
As I start out on my brand new life.

I pull those near who lean on me,
And push away those who my mask see.
I live a life that I pretend,
Giving life, love, joy right to the end.
I turn my heart to search for God,
And wonder why my soul feels odd.
It's like it's gone and withered away,
I wonder if it will come back today.
For hiding the pain of the past for tomorrow,
Has made me shy from too many sorrows.

I've made them promises I can't keep -
Alone without God holding me on my feet.
I've promised to be there, not to leave them alone,
As long as God permits, to share their groans.
How long can I withhold myself
And reach their hearts while keeping mine on a shelf?
To love and withhold, to support and not be,
To stand there a lie for someone else to see.
I share your joys and tears and pain;
But don't push me to share my heart again.

For it's quite funny, how easily
People believe the mask that they see.
They want to believe that you're faithful and true
But can't see the sorrows that pulled you through.
We need people to lean on but deny the power
That makes you run to them in your lonely hour.
So vulnerable, hurt so visibly
So tender and confused as you turn to me.
I reach out gently to hold your hand...
But withhold myself as I start to stand.

Pain

Hurt me.
I don't care what you do,
But hurt me.
I rip back the skin, exposing my heart to your touch.

Lash me.
Snap back your whip and cut,
Deeply embedding it into my heart.
I can no longer stand the pain I am enduring.

A tiny burn
Hurts far, far more than a third degree.
Burn me deeply,
Cauterise this bleeding hole so that it hurts no more.

Cut me.
Crush my heart and smash it,
Break me down.
Level me to the ground and drag me through the dirt.

Speak cruelly.
Don't stay by me any more.
Go away.
Cut the cord and free me from my lasting pain.

Can't you see?
You say you want to help me.
Then help me.
By stabbing me so deeply this pain will hurt no longer.

Letting Go

It took but a moment
As you stepped back well.
Now I've withdrawn
Way into my shell.

I remember a time
I grieved for friends lost;
Now I've learned to accept
The heavy cost.

People will come
As others go;
Don't learn to rely
They melt like snow.

Here today,
Tomorrow gone.
Life's like a breeze,
There's only one.

So don't hang on,
Don't cling to the past.
Put your memories away,
Don't let them last.

As long as you're needed,
There's a point hanging on.
When your lives seperate,
Let go 'cause there's none.

In phases of life,
You'll make new friends.
They come, backbite and go -
It's a passing trend.

So let go of your life,
Wave a cheerful goodbye.
Stand on your own feet -
And don't ever cry.

Auf Wiedersehn

Why am I writing something grand
So people will want to read?
After all, who cares of the heart
That's scratching for words while it bleeds?
Who cares of the struggle to find a rhyme
To make it poetic and pretty?
Who cares of the agony that lies beneath,
That creates a nice little ditty?

A poem of friendship, a sad little story
A heartbreak lies beneath.
Grow up, will you, and see a soul,
Of pain and distrust and grief.
Look at me and see my soul
It's crawling, waiting to be kicked.
Just look down and aim the blow.
It's the waiting makes me feel sick.

Oh, come on. This was coming long ago.
Just open your eyes and see.
That the sheer patheticness of life
Is a cause of agony.
Sure, we should sit back,
Take pleasure and passivity with pain.
I'm sorry; I can't go through that.
Surely you see I can't do it again.

I'm a bundle of emotions I don't understand.
Mistrust, agony and fear.
Of wanting to go where I don't want to go,
Of learning to stop shedding tears.
I want all the pain to stop; I don't care how,
It will hurt when I kick the door shut.
Will it hurt if I leave it open more, than
If I slam it now and lock it up?

Open your eyes, my soul is before you.
I'm tired of playing with words.
Hear me now as I speak my uncertainty,
In no uncertain terms.
Would you see why I must hurt myself and you
In a battle I'd rather not undergo?
After all, a friendship's replaceable.
Let's just wave goodbye and let go.

Let go, never to talk any more.
Let go, never to chat.
Let go, never to know how life goes.
Somehow that seems, oh, so flat.
The pain and mistrust and doubt
Is something I can't cope with right now.
Trying to pretend everything's all right,
Makes it even worse, somehow.

So knowing we're doing a good shot
In the long run; to make it right.
We really ought to make up our minds,
And with a shaky goodbye, wave goodnight.
It's easier for future, for past and for now,
To let go before we get bitter.
Goodbye, dear friend, God bless, au revior,
I run away before you see my tears glitter.

Buildin' Those Walls

Buildin' those walls that are well founded -
Deep dug, solid built and very well grounded.
My heart is the centre of the citadel.
And it won't surrender after the last shell.

Chorus:
Aching hearts,
Crying tears,
Subdue that pain
Crush those fears!

One good defence is sarcasm,
An even better wall is cynicism.
I'm hurting myself; I can feel the ache.
I'm gonna kill this with whatever it takes.

Runnin' from you, hiding from pain.
I'm gonna build up these walls again.
Nothing's gonna get through - love nor hate.
Only one solid wall, you won't find a gate.

I still wanna be your friend -
Just don't pry cause I won't bend.
Get underneath and I will run away.
I've had way too much betraying today.

Getting tough is the defence I've gotta build,
Life will be better when the gaps are filled.
They won't be filled, but they will be covered -
When all the pain is finally smothered.

Sure, I got a long way to reach this end,
But then you see, there won't be pain again.
It's a long run, but the best there's to be.
Go away, I'm fine from now, leave me.

What Next?

I wonder what will happen now.
Finally they have left. I am completely and utterly alone.
What course shall my life take now?
I am determined
In spite of all
That it will not follow the path it would have three days ago.

A change was being made -
I was starting to see light, joy and peace.
Now a further change has come -
Cutting me from
The hope gleaming within.
I will turn my back and carry on.

I will reap some measure
Of happiness and store up some tiny crumbs
And hope to lay them at my Master's feet someday.
How can I hope to follow
Living out of His will?
I will survive.

There is one who will stand
Heart aching for what I could have been.
But will stand irremovable.
Then THAT OTHER will
With calm cool sense
Put his arm over his shoulder and lead him away.

I knew this would happen. I saw it coming weeks ago -
The day he'd turn away.
And I would shrink back.
Now twin demons
Of resentment and bitterness
Peer from my hard eyes and set face.

The other will reassure him
He has done the right thing - cutting me loose.
If I hadn't enough willpower
To stay the course
Alone with God,
It was not his business. It's mine.

It's true! I laugh in defiance.
Because finally, I am alone.
Me and God.
What will happen now?
For now - I continue to live.
Day. To day. To day.

Goodbye, all friends.
Welcome, lonely emptiness.
I will teach myself never to trust again.

Searching For Answers - Revised

Searching for answers - where lies the truth?
In the Scriptures I search to uncover the proof.
The commands are there - the barriers are not.
The lines must from my heart be begot.

Searching for answers - I struggle for truth.
I'm searching and someday I know I'll find proof.
The darkness drew me into sin and despair -
I know there's no answers in the guilt trip down there.

Blackness and guilt and sin covered me.
By and in the blood of Jesus, I know I'm set free.
His love surrounds me, His peace to still -
I'm right and at peace if I'm living in His Will.

Searching for answers - I must draw the line.
Using the facts shady paths to define.
I know this in my head - it must come to my heart,
Or else light and Truth once again will depart.

I wish I knew certainly the boundaries drawn;
Then there'd be no end to the jubilant dawn.
There is still fear lying deep in my heart -
That once more I'll stumble and the joy will depart.

Searching for answers. Searching for Truth.
Searching for God. In Him will be proof.
There's no answers in shady grey or the black.
I can't find them in white, but I know they won't lack.

Strong belief, sincere faith! Oh come, dwell in me!
Shine in my heart with light of eternity!
Wisdom, fill my heart, not my head, with thy truth.
Bring me to God, for in Him I'll find proof!

Searching for answers - in Him lies the Way!
I'll stumble when my faith fails - alack the day!
Oh God, keep me strong, make me true, keep me pure.
Heal my heart and its wounds - for Thou art the Cure.

There is little more I can say to explain.
I'm still trying to ease and get out of my pain.
But I know in my heart that God lives, reigns above -
When I believe - my heart will dwell in the shade of His love.

~ Jane Johnson

Dried Up

Blankness.
A state of mindless numbness.
A lack of feeling.
Have my emotions reached such a pitch
That to cope with them, my mind has shut down?

Memory, once strong, fails.
Life, once beautiful, is black.
Hope and love and laughter
Is a fading, fleeting memory.
I forget as I face the darkness.

Empty - my heart.
Cold - my feelings.
Pain - my conscious emotion.
Deadened - my reaction to it.
Circular - my thinking.

Where did I change?
Where has my heart gone?
What lies ahead of me?
How did I get here?
Will I ever be able to feel again?

But even this
Is better than the pain which
Drove me to self harm.
This deadness of mind
This painless numbness.

My body stumbles along,
I drag it from day to day.
Wearily along the road,
And people see my sad face
And wonder.

I no longer stand out from them.
My heart has been broken like theirs.
My mind has been polluted as theirs.
My emotions deadened by addictions - as theirs.
Yet this I curse in myself which I cannot lay at them.

I knew the Light. And they have not.