The Real Silence

So much to talk about,
So much to say.
It seems all I can do
Is push you away.
Feeling the words
Nobody can hear
And nobody ever will
View every tear.

Losing the grasp
Of knowing the words
Growing into a silence
That nobody heard.
Understanding the cries
Of others in here,
Wondering if they too
Are full of fear.

So much to tell you-
My fear is a block,
Pushing you away,
And nothing can stop.
Two Silence victims
Attempting to reach
Each other through the gap
They don't know how to breach.

It's the Silence all right
We leave with no regret,
Turn away from them
Because we forget
How to break Silence
With question and truth -
That we were in the Silence;
Soon we lose all the proof.

Sometimes I wonder
As I reach out to space
And grasp empty air
To fill my embrace
How to break Silence
And break out of it.
Can God fill the Silence
And enveloping, fit?

What can You do?
Who can reach out?
Where are Your Hands
To empty this drought?
Why am I in Silence?
Will they always forget?
What it's like to be here
To be dry, not dew-wet?

Where are You in the Silence
In the darkness and space?
Where are Your Arms
To fill my empty embrace?
Take from me longing,
Take from me will
Fill me with Thyself,
And make me be still...

Where are You?

Sinner's Despair

A tearless sorrow too deep for words,
A sin repeated - can her cry be heard?
Repent and repeat
By her wayward feet.
Head hanging low, she turns away,
Can there be forgiveness for her today?

It's been offered so often before,
She accepted, then went and sinned some more.
All words, broken vows,
Pledge once more, she trow.
Head hanging low, she turns away.
Forgiveness abused. Any more today?

Numbly blank and easily angered,
How easy when fallen again more to err.
Dejection, despair,
Once again turn to prayer?
Head hanging low, at the foot of the Cross,
She falls - can she weep? For His and her loss.

Breaking

I think it's a state of mental exhaustion.
Or is it depression?
No time for recession.
Life's going mad like a dog at my heels.
No time to feel
And let it heal.

I want the comfort I know secure again
Numbness through pain
Ignore the stains.
Knowing that each time brings a scar,
I'm fighting hard.
Can I win this far?

Suddenly I see through everyone's eyes
The way that I
Appear without disguise.
The disgust in their hearts I comprehend,
When will it end?
I can't bend.

I don't know what to love or hate
In this mental state,
Locking my gates.
Who to keep out or to let in,
Fighting within.
I can't win.

Comfort I know I cannot seek,
I am so weak,
The sky's so bleak.
Anything around that I can use?
It's not abuse...
I've blown a fuse.

Door slammed open, voices snap,
I crumble back,
Reach for the comfort zap.
Holding it, I tremble and wish
I could deal with this,
With no cowardice.

Building Up

The pressure's increasing,
So many people closing in.
I feel like a rat in a corner.

They say they're concerned,
By surrounding me and intruding,
I'll push further away.

If you try to control me,
Just watch cause I'll break free
And run far away from you.

Keep on praying, that's the best
And don't pry into my life.
Trust God to work all out for the best.

Please, don't force your way.
Or I'll run away.
Let me try to mend, with God.

Stop doubting that He's at work.
I need your support, not pressure.
Give me another chance.

Never Again!

No! No! Never again!
Never will I choose
To carry that shame.
No! No! Never again!
I'm sick of the victim
And of fearing the pain.

I don't care what You do,
To reform me, refine me
And shape me like You.
I want to be strong
To carry the hurt,
And flee from the wrong.

The trials You give me
Are designed to test
And to make me like Thee.
The ones I lead myself to
Will twist and corrupt me
Lead me far from You.

I'm tired of wasting my words,
Of promises broken,
Of causing such hurt.
God, I want to be sure
I won't do this again.
Provide me the cure!

Cleanse my evil heart within,
Wash me and purge me
Cleanse me from my sin.
No! No! Never again!
Make me run from temptation,
Your life to regain.

I hate it when people look and see
A sintwisted, perverted
And filth covered me.
Lord, make it so that they will find
Me broken and crushed
With You possessing my mind.

Some may call me crazy,
I laugh in wonderment,
You never saw my past so hazy.
God, take my hand and don't let me flee
Back to the "easy" path,
Ending in separation from Thee!

The Way I Am

Terrified,
Realise
You don't like me
The way I am.

Knowing that
Feeling flat.
I don't like me,
The way I am.

Looking in,
See so much sin.
Hate so much
The way I am.

Distant pity,
Won't leave me,
Alone and hating
The way I am.

Hating distance,
Wish you'd go once,
And leave me
The way I am.

God looks down,
With tender frown.
Starts to change
The way I am.

Knowing still,
I'm in His will,
And He loves me
The way I am.

The love I need,
Won't ever succeed.
Only God can love
The way I am.

Who I am
A special plan.
Refining me
The way I am.

Won't be free
Of individuality.
Changing me
The way I am.

So go away,
No fake love play -
God loves me just
The way I am.

Afraid

Waiting for you.
Fearing that
You won't come.

Quaking inside,
Fearing that
You will come.

Words bubbling up,
I can't share,
Sit and stare.

Wish I could
Open up.
Know you're there.

Afraid you'll come,
Afraid you won't.
Afraid you'll go.

Wish I could
Somehow tell
And you'd know.

The wistfulness
Need for forgiveness,
To know it's true.

To hold a hope,
We have tomorrow
Still brand new.

Another Day

Have you any idea what lies ahead,
Why I don't want to get out of bed?
Not being lazy - I can't face
Another day.

Go to sleep completely drained
Every nerve and faculty strained.
Wake up tense, the same, to
Another day.

Running in circles and trying to do
Things I can't concentrate on around you.
Exhausted and weary, I've failed
Another day.

You ask me why I just don't care,
You scream, and I can't open and share.
Helpless words you cannot hear -
Another day.

Completely broken and trying to heal,
So many different emotions we feel -
An explosive combination.
Another day.

Wake up to the screaming, and crying
Remember last night's bitter fighting.
You wonder why you must live
Another day.

Part of the tension is trying to shield
From caustic words so you don't yield.
No good with it, I don't want
Another day.

So don't come and try to comfort me.
Don't demand to know so cheerily.
Stop pretending you know about
Another day.

I look into the future and I behold
A wondrous beam, its glory untold.
Throughout the darkness, not at the end of
Another day.

It is God with Whom I sleep and wake,
To Whom I every sorrow take.
He sees my tears when I sleep before
Another day.

Softly He takes my hand in His;
Shields and protects and blesses me with
A future hope and love in
Another day.

He strengthens me with the promise of better,
He shelters me in the stormy weather.
My Anchor holds; I face
Another day.

As I enter the battles bitter,
The Light holds steady and does not flicker.
I hurt, but hold onto the peace in
Another day.

Half-Hearted Christianity

I'm sick of all this apathy,
In all the people around me;
Playing with money and jewellery,
Not heeding the warning and Word.

Look to see the Spirit's fire within,
Instead the candle flickers dim;
Frightened of the unknown burning that's Him:
Not heeding the warning and Word.

Tired of the half hearted worship given,
Wonder what it looks like to God in Heaven.
To fill the lack of fire, serving off emotion,
Not heeding the warning and Word.

The flame of God begins to burn,
As I am caused by His Spirit to turn.
Fire of God, cause us to discern
And hear the warning and Word.

God Who is Spirit and power and fire,
Cause my whole being to burn with desire
To serve Thee completely and step ever higher;
Heeding Your warnings, worship in truth,
Baptised with fire and hearing Your Word.

Jane Johnson,
26/2/11

Alone, But Not Alone

Alone, but not alone.
Even while my heart is aching,
I will trust in You.

Alone, but not alone.
Even though the storm is breaking,
I will trust in You.

Alone, but not alone.
While my tears are falling,
I will trust in You.

Alone, but not alone.
In the dark, I hear You calling.
I will trust in You.

Alone, but not alone.
My eyes weep tears of blood.
I will trust in You.

Alone, but not alone.
You wrap me in Your love.
I will trust in You.

Oh God, I'm all alone,
But in You, I'm not alone.
Help me to trust in You.

Beautiful Girls

Smashing face on the bars,
Wishing it would scar.
Everything she hates
Especially on this date.

Features flat and plain,
She scratches them again.
Eyes so small and squinted,
Even when they're tinted.

Nose so fat and snub,
Figure like a blob.
Fingers small and stunted,
Chin too short and blunted.

The world passes her by,
With a scornful eye.
She shrinks beneath their gaze,
Scorched by their blaze.

Chasing the popular girls,
Trampling the pearls.
They never stop to see,
The worth in you and me.

Dragged in by their allure,
We follow, insecure.
Trying to become
"Attractive" for the fun.

We often fail to view
Heartbreaks of girls wooed,
For something that will fade,
And join the discarded cascade.

Stopping after a while,
We're now part of the pile.
A playtoy thrown away,
Unwanted after a day.

Just you look and see,
Never part of them were we.
God loves us as we are.
Plain, ugly, smashed apart.

King's daughters, Christ within.
Following the world is sin.
Keep your hearts on Christ and see
The mirror of you and me.

Give Up Hope

Give - up - hope!
I can't yet do it.
Give - up - hope!
We're not yet through it.
Give - up - hope!
Start seeing the unseen.
Give - up - hope!
Live out your life's dream.

Give - up - hope!
The echo in my head.
Give - up - hope!
And if I do, I'm dead.
Give - up - hope!
I need to dream to see
If I give - up - hope!
I lose faith in eternity.

Give - up - hope!
Just take your lies away.
Give - up - hope!
Somewhere's a better day.
Give - up - hope!
There is still a tomorrow.
Give - up - hope!
Please God, with joy for sorrow.

Give - up - hope!
Give up life as you know it.
Give - up - hope!
There's light beyond this small bit.
Give - up - hope!
I must have faith in God.
Give - up - hope!
Struggle on 'gainst all odds.

Give - up - hope!
Never shall I again.
Give - up - hope!
Life flowing with the rain.
Give - up - hope!
So little to keep me going.
Give - up - hope!
Hope is faith, not knowing.

Give - up - hope!
I can no longer cope.

Hugs

It's strange at times,
How one's heartache and weariness
Lead us to seek for physical comfort.
Sharing a house
Yet always too busy or too depressed
To share an enveloping hug.

Strange how one's soul throbs
And the whole body yearns
For arms tight around you,
Wrapped as though they won't let you go.
Holding you close to their heart,
Letting you lean on them.

How strange, how much that moment
Of holding, loving, hugging consoles.
How painful and lonely when you look
All around and there is only chill.
No one with time to spare to stand there
And fold you tightly to them.

The sensation of being lightly pressed
Close to someone's side; held lovingly.
Strange how the lack pierces the heart
That yearns so much for that tender touch.
Strange the wandering feel of loneliness
As one turns away from someone too busy.

That brief moment of tenderness shown
Can affect a life so much and show
That one is loved and cared for.
The hurried refusal and turning away
Can pierce a sensitive heart hidden away,
And leave oh, such a wistful loneliness.

Lost

Curled up
Hiding from
You.

Watching them
A family tableau,
Hurting.

Wondering why
Nothing changes.
Fixed.

Wondering why
It all hurts
So bad.

All alone
By choice
Aching.

Wanting change
Uncertain how
Left.

All friends,
Giving up,
Hopeless.

Curling up,
Turn away.
Lost.

Masquerade

It is marvellous to see
I can still pretend so perfectly!
Making new friends and laughing again
Hiding away my heart of pain.
Offering encouragement and words to bless,
Showing them strength and happiness;
Who can guess what lies beneath?
The scars and wounds and ugly grief?
My pillow is no longer wet at night,
As I start out on my brand new life.

I pull those near who lean on me,
And push away those who my mask see.
I live a life that I pretend,
Giving life, love, joy right to the end.
I turn my heart to search for God,
And wonder why my soul feels odd.
It's like it's gone and withered away,
I wonder if it will come back today.
For hiding the pain of the past for tomorrow,
Has made me shy from too many sorrows.

I've made them promises I can't keep -
Alone without God holding me on my feet.
I've promised to be there, not to leave them alone,
As long as God permits, to share their groans.
How long can I withhold myself
And reach their hearts while keeping mine on a shelf?
To love and withhold, to support and not be,
To stand there a lie for someone else to see.
I share your joys and tears and pain;
But don't push me to share my heart again.

For it's quite funny, how easily
People believe the mask that they see.
They want to believe that you're faithful and true
But can't see the sorrows that pulled you through.
We need people to lean on but deny the power
That makes you run to them in your lonely hour.
So vulnerable, hurt so visibly
So tender and confused as you turn to me.
I reach out gently to hold your hand...
But withhold myself as I start to stand.

Need

Disclaimer: The emotion is taken from my past, with a view into other people's lives; I have none that this is from or for.


As the earth needs the sun,
As the tides need the moon.
As the young plants need the rain,
So my heart needs you, beloved.

As the wind smashes the sail of my boat,
As the roaring waves crush my frail bark,
Your steadfastness pulls beside me.
There for me to lean on.

As I aim to a Heavenly goal,
As I flounder in the rush of life.
Your quiet stability is there
To turn my heart back to its vision.

I lean on Christ the Rock -
Yours is the hand to guide me;
To fasten my hand to the rope
To pull me out of the crashing waves.

As the winter comes every season,
As the frost coats the trees with ice,
As the ferns are laced with delicate beauty,
So I am to you, beloved.

I refuse to admit my need of you.
I will not let you come close to me.
I push away the hand holding mine to the Rock,
For fear that you are not there.

As the shadows dance and vanish,
As the vapour condenses,
As the wind whistles and is gone,
You are a wraith that will vanish.

Can you love me through the pain?
I constantly try to be rid of you.
Your hand still reaches out
Can you reach in and touch my heart?

As the flower reaches for the light,
As the earthling stretches for Heaven,
So my frail earthenware vessel
Turns to you for support.

Like a leech on warm flesh,
Like claws latched in a death grip,
So I call for you and refuse
To let go, and yet I push you away.

Like the sun, constant and warming,
Like the rain, refreshing and new,
Like your Saviour, ever loving,
So you gently love me still

Why don't you turn from me?
Why does your love stay constant?
How can you care for me so tenderly
Healing my broken heart with your touch?

Is it possible that somehow
Beneath my conflicting self
You manage to see my damaged self
And sense how much I need you?

Oh, beloved. I do need you.