The Curse of a Writer

I have a character, hiding inside,
Lurking and scurrying, trying to hide,
Finding a place to burrow within,
Fermenting and bubbling and growing - with kin!
His size ever bigger, he dominates me,
Growing into my second personality.
He haunts my dreams and controls my pen,
Until I wonder, despairingly, when
If ever again he'll leave me alone -
Take his family and depart from my home.
But no, he'll haunt me the rest of my life;
Closer than near kindred, husband or wife -
This creature, the produce of my mind,
Inspired, but feeling aught but divine!
I know all his strengths, he my weaknesses;
That very fact can cause many stresses!
He learns quite well where to plague me, you know.
He absorbs all my dreams, filling them with woe.
But this is the curse of a writer, you see -
And God has granted this gift to me!

How Can You Love?

I look at my sin,
My guilt and my crime.
I look at Your glory
And wonderful shine.
I look at the purity
Radiate from Your face,
I see all Your mercy,
Wonder at Your grace.

I look at my dirt,
The shame and the fear,
I look at you and wish
You weren't quite so near.
You shine with reflected
Glory from above,
You radiate kindness
And infinite love.

I look at you and
The God that you serve,
I marvel at the wonder
Of love undeserved.
I look back at myself
To with wonder behold,
Cleansed with Christ's blood,
I'm shining as gold.

Words Cannot Tell

I wrote this at the Squadron. Seems to be the one place in real life I emotionally let go. A big thank you to 196 staff for their support right now.


The lines are irregular, but on due consideration I won't be changing it.


I want to write
And cannot find
The words to tell
What's in my mind.
How can I tell
The sobs that tear
Me inside out?
Emotions wear
My heart right down.
I cannot find
The words to say
What's in my mind.

Scrawl on paper,
Simple words
That cannot write
The way I hurt;
The feelings that
Compulsively
Drive me to try
And hurt me.

To alleviate
My emotional pain -
Physical hurt.
But what's to gain?
I want to take
From scars so deep;
The hurt inside
Forced me to weep.

Where can I take
My deepest grief?
Words are failing -
So's underneath.
The bottom of
My life fell through;
Where can I go -
And tell - who?
Lord, You reign,
High over all.
You see me
Whenever I fall.
Right now, bleeding
And trying to fight,
My God! Don't leave me
In this night!

To Thee, my Rock,
Alone, I cling.
Saviour, to Thee
My grief I bring.
Your Arms around me
Hold me near.
You quell my grief
And calm my fear.
Into Your Face
I look, and know
With love, You cause
This for me to grow.


In Christ Alone,
Soli Deo Gloria.

Jane Johnson,
March 24, 2011

Afraid

Waiting for you.
Fearing that
You won't come.

Quaking inside,
Fearing that
You will come.

Words bubbling up,
I can't share,
Sit and stare.

Wish I could
Open up.
Know you're there.

Afraid you'll come,
Afraid you won't.
Afraid you'll go.

Wish I could
Somehow tell
And you'd know.

The wistfulness
Need for forgiveness,
To know it's true.

To hold a hope,
We have tomorrow
Still brand new.

I~Miss~You

Do you miss me? I miss you
And look into the sky bright blue,
Watch the clouds wisping above,
And wonder if you know I love.

Do you miss me? In my heart
I wonder if you feel apart;
Whether the longing in your soul
Wishes we were together and whole.

Do you miss me? A silent sigh
Escapes my lips and rises high.
God keep you safe, and may I soon
Know if you miss me; oh, grant this boon!

Written for Kay and Justin.

Dawning Hope

I have some strange old feelings
That tangled up, sent me reeling.
Under a new blow that I didn't foresee -
But now I know He's holding me.

Chorus:

And He whispers, Peace, be still.
When you're living in My Will,
You have nothing to fear,
My Arms are holding you near.

Though the clouds will come to shake me,
I know that they won't break me.
Cause He's put my feet on the Rock -
Himself; to me He holds the lock.

I'm guarded safe in His Hand.
No matter what dreams tumble down.
I can't believe He's let me hope -
If I were alone, I couldn't cope.

Sudden rainbows in the flood
Sunshine reflects in pools of mud.
Wild joy, unbelieving fear
Hope and doubt fight fierce in here.

And no matter what the outcome is,
I know He holds my hand in His.
He will direct your path and mine,
And give us joy in love divine.

Give Up Hope

Give - up - hope!
I can't yet do it.
Give - up - hope!
We're not yet through it.
Give - up - hope!
Start seeing the unseen.
Give - up - hope!
Live out your life's dream.

Give - up - hope!
The echo in my head.
Give - up - hope!
And if I do, I'm dead.
Give - up - hope!
I need to dream to see
If I give - up - hope!
I lose faith in eternity.

Give - up - hope!
Just take your lies away.
Give - up - hope!
Somewhere's a better day.
Give - up - hope!
There is still a tomorrow.
Give - up - hope!
Please God, with joy for sorrow.

Give - up - hope!
Give up life as you know it.
Give - up - hope!
There's light beyond this small bit.
Give - up - hope!
I must have faith in God.
Give - up - hope!
Struggle on 'gainst all odds.

Give - up - hope!
Never shall I again.
Give - up - hope!
Life flowing with the rain.
Give - up - hope!
So little to keep me going.
Give - up - hope!
Hope is faith, not knowing.

Give - up - hope!
I can no longer cope.

Hugs

It's strange at times,
How one's heartache and weariness
Lead us to seek for physical comfort.
Sharing a house
Yet always too busy or too depressed
To share an enveloping hug.

Strange how one's soul throbs
And the whole body yearns
For arms tight around you,
Wrapped as though they won't let you go.
Holding you close to their heart,
Letting you lean on them.

How strange, how much that moment
Of holding, loving, hugging consoles.
How painful and lonely when you look
All around and there is only chill.
No one with time to spare to stand there
And fold you tightly to them.

The sensation of being lightly pressed
Close to someone's side; held lovingly.
Strange how the lack pierces the heart
That yearns so much for that tender touch.
Strange the wandering feel of loneliness
As one turns away from someone too busy.

That brief moment of tenderness shown
Can affect a life so much and show
That one is loved and cared for.
The hurried refusal and turning away
Can pierce a sensitive heart hidden away,
And leave oh, such a wistful loneliness.

First Kiss

Do you know how easy it is to destroy every defence you built up for emotional purity? For two years after God delivered me from a foolish attachment I had got deeply emotionally involved with, I fought a battle for emotional purity. For over a year, I also fought a battle with a growing attraction to a young non-Christian cadet sergeant at my Squadron.

In October 2009, I learned that he was going to leave the Squadron. Suddenly. It had a shell-shock effect, because his father - our commanding officer - had been backbitten out, and it was a horrible mess. The six of us working to uphold the Squadron had become a very close knit bunch.

I spent a day with my uncle and aunt. They saw I was depressed and asked why. I told them. Then they attacked the entire principles I had founded my emotional purity on. They said there was nothing wrong with being boyfriend and girlfriend, nor with moderate kissing. I fought back - but weakly. And by the end of the day, I had caved in and admitted to myself and them that I loved him - not admitted, but let go of the barrier to let the floodtide of emotion loose.

You see - where in the Bible DOES it have clear cut guidelines? Where in the Bible DOES it say that you can't kiss a guy? All I could find were the lines on impurity and immoral behaviour - and a ban on sleeping around outside of marriage. In the next few days I wrote my first poem that is on this site - Searching For Answers.

Now, I am starting to see that there doesn't need to be definitive lines. Yes, I judged it as the laws of the Pharisees - law on law on law to protect the original law. But there are no laws. It is a matter of choice. And we have to choose to keep those boundaries up to support the heart of the matter.

Perhaps the difference becomes when it's forced and no longer a labour of love. Then it becomes Pharisaical.

Debating the other day with someone about saving your first kiss til you're at the altar, it suddenly struck me how precious the thing really is; following, I wrote this poem.


First Kiss

When you touch your lips to mine,
Thoughts will cease, and so will time.
I'll be lost in the wonder of your love;
Precious gift from God above.
I'll love you more than words can say,
When you kiss me on our wedding day.

All the wonder of Love Divine,
Is weakly reflected in yours and mine.
United together we shall be
To love and serve Him faithfully.
A blessing that seals, He has given us this -
Our first physical union at the altar - a kiss.

~I~Love~You~

This may well sound very cheesy, but. :P I wrote it on a whim, and I like it, and OYAN likes it, so I share it. :P


They say I don't know how to love.
Maybe they're right and it's true.
I only know that I'd leave behind
My lifestyle and people for you.

You came into my life and I really can't say
How exactly you came to be,
The sub-king of my heart and the love of my soul,
But the master you are of me.

I never owned lord or master before
Or ever brooked reign o'er my heart.
You came and silently took over control,
All that I've needed, thou art.

It's funny the only thing I want from life
Is only your wife now to be.
To bear, raise your children with you by my side,
To pay back all that you've been to me.

The simplest and most used words I can say
Have been used and abused much before.
I love you from the depth of my heart,
I love you right in from the core.

With Last Christmas Pounding...

Fighting a battle and a war is raging,
A battle for my soul is staging,
Trying to run, trying to flee,
Trying to come back and find the true me.
I can't find me until I've found God.
Yet I never listen - isn't that odd?
Stubborn, don't learn from my past mistakes,
Beating my own course with whatever it takes.
Driving on through pain and fear,
Causing more each passing year.
So much of my life has been wasted;
Who would care if I finished up and take it?
I know now what a fool I've been,
The path is closed, I can't go back again.
Stretching out hands in misery,
As I cut off those who would help me.
Blind, destroyed, lost and confused,
The darkness leaving my soul bemused.
Is it them that go or me that leaves?
The circumstances trigger the memories.
Fleeing and running, I still carry on,
Trying to return, living a time bomb.
Waiting for the explosion beneath,
And who's gonna be there to catch me, to catch me...

Chorus:

It's Jesus, He is always there.
It's Jesus, within sound of a prayer.
Jesus is waiting to take you in His arms,
With those blood soaked hands that you fought so hard.
It's Jesus Who turns your darkness to light,
It's Jesus Who reaches into your night.
It's Jesus you're fighting so hard to flee,
It's Jesus Who still loves, still loves me...

It's Jesus Who has taken your life's explosion.
It's Jesus Who saved your soul from it's implosion.
It's Jesus Who with breaking heart,
Reaches out to heal and give you a new start.
Why am I running so hard away...
I claim to want one thing, but my actions say
That I'm pushing You out with everything I am.
I can't take the pressure and down more slams.
I push to see how much they care
They can't take it and go somewhere.
So I shove away those that would betray me,
Including those that still love me.
Hiding, running from the deathly pain.
The feelings all dry and I can't feel again.
Amazing how I can't control those walls -
The pain so deadly, I killed it all.
Didn't mean to kill all love through as well,
But to love again would invite pain like hell.
Battering down pain as friends leave like snow,
Love joy and trust so quickly go.
In this whirl of emotion, I find I've lost
My Christ-centred goal, at a terrible cost.
Where am I going? My God, can You see
Can You even now reach me?

Baby Dear

From your cradle comes a choked wail,
And I hurry to your side.
Hanging over your cradle, I murmur
Soothing sounds and hushing noises.
Mommy wakes and sleepily asks
If she should rock you, or whether I will.
I reject her proposal and bend down,
Scooping you into my arms.

The only thing I hate about rocking you
Is that you will scream incessantly down my ear.
And it leaves an unmusical ringing
For quite a while afterwards.
But when you are quiet and only
Making those wheezing breaths as you
Recover from your violent screams,
I look down on you and marvel.

Those tiny fingers that waved so frantically,
Grabbing fistfuls of my shirt to hold me;
Or else, they wave around in the air
Until they randomly lay hold of my fingers,
And then they curl tightly round them
Dragging mine with yours on their wandering way.
Those tiny hands, so small against mine.
Those incredible perfect fingers.

I love the feel of your velvet skin
When you lay your cheek against my neck.
I love the softness of your hair
When you burrow your head under my chin.
I love the way your body snuggles
As if it were made to fit against mine.
I love how you curl up in my arms
Totally vulnerable, helpless - and unconcerned.

There's only two thing I hate
About holding you strongly in my arms.
You arouse feelings in my body and heart
That I never knew were there.
And you make me love you, you helpless darling
With every passionate protective chord in me.
When you turn your head, seeking nourishment
I cannot provide; how I hate that I cannot do it.

Even though I'm not your mother;
I'm only your auntie who dearly loves you.
But, Ayanna, I would gladly do
Anything I could that would help you.
Little princess, my heart lies captive
In your baby embrace and your wandering eyes.
I can barely wait for the day when
I hold you in my arms, and you know me.

Ending Love

Heart breaking beneath my smile,
I wonder why you took a while
To realise I was in love.

Then when you saw, you turned away.
It wasn't possible today,
You can't return my love.

The deepest inner pain you cause
Without thought, cause the strong force
Ensures I'm snared in love.

You've gone away without goodbye,
I thought you wouldn't leave my side.
And now I start to kill,
To aim the knife with broken soul,
And stab down to kill, to kill my love.

Jane Johnson
17-12-10

*inspired by a friend's romance

Masquerade

It is marvellous to see
I can still pretend so perfectly!
Making new friends and laughing again
Hiding away my heart of pain.
Offering encouragement and words to bless,
Showing them strength and happiness;
Who can guess what lies beneath?
The scars and wounds and ugly grief?
My pillow is no longer wet at night,
As I start out on my brand new life.

I pull those near who lean on me,
And push away those who my mask see.
I live a life that I pretend,
Giving life, love, joy right to the end.
I turn my heart to search for God,
And wonder why my soul feels odd.
It's like it's gone and withered away,
I wonder if it will come back today.
For hiding the pain of the past for tomorrow,
Has made me shy from too many sorrows.

I've made them promises I can't keep -
Alone without God holding me on my feet.
I've promised to be there, not to leave them alone,
As long as God permits, to share their groans.
How long can I withhold myself
And reach their hearts while keeping mine on a shelf?
To love and withhold, to support and not be,
To stand there a lie for someone else to see.
I share your joys and tears and pain;
But don't push me to share my heart again.

For it's quite funny, how easily
People believe the mask that they see.
They want to believe that you're faithful and true
But can't see the sorrows that pulled you through.
We need people to lean on but deny the power
That makes you run to them in your lonely hour.
So vulnerable, hurt so visibly
So tender and confused as you turn to me.
I reach out gently to hold your hand...
But withhold myself as I start to stand.

Need

Disclaimer: The emotion is taken from my past, with a view into other people's lives; I have none that this is from or for.


As the earth needs the sun,
As the tides need the moon.
As the young plants need the rain,
So my heart needs you, beloved.

As the wind smashes the sail of my boat,
As the roaring waves crush my frail bark,
Your steadfastness pulls beside me.
There for me to lean on.

As I aim to a Heavenly goal,
As I flounder in the rush of life.
Your quiet stability is there
To turn my heart back to its vision.

I lean on Christ the Rock -
Yours is the hand to guide me;
To fasten my hand to the rope
To pull me out of the crashing waves.

As the winter comes every season,
As the frost coats the trees with ice,
As the ferns are laced with delicate beauty,
So I am to you, beloved.

I refuse to admit my need of you.
I will not let you come close to me.
I push away the hand holding mine to the Rock,
For fear that you are not there.

As the shadows dance and vanish,
As the vapour condenses,
As the wind whistles and is gone,
You are a wraith that will vanish.

Can you love me through the pain?
I constantly try to be rid of you.
Your hand still reaches out
Can you reach in and touch my heart?

As the flower reaches for the light,
As the earthling stretches for Heaven,
So my frail earthenware vessel
Turns to you for support.

Like a leech on warm flesh,
Like claws latched in a death grip,
So I call for you and refuse
To let go, and yet I push you away.

Like the sun, constant and warming,
Like the rain, refreshing and new,
Like your Saviour, ever loving,
So you gently love me still

Why don't you turn from me?
Why does your love stay constant?
How can you care for me so tenderly
Healing my broken heart with your touch?

Is it possible that somehow
Beneath my conflicting self
You manage to see my damaged self
And sense how much I need you?

Oh, beloved. I do need you.

Struggle

An empty shell, a hollow ball;
Inside, defiant, I stand tall.
Putting on a facade to fool, to seem -
I'm starting to recognise a greater need.

It grows larger with each passing day,
As I grow sicker of my own way.
I turn bewildered from hand to hand,
Wondering who to fight and where to stand.

I pick up the Bible, bemusement increase,
I see Christ must control, as to be I must cease.
Yet in several corners, raging battles go on -
Though it's already decided Christ the Victor has won.

I want to trust, but my fear is too great.
Can my heart squeeze through that narrow gate?
I want to give in, to surrender complete,
But the pain that will come pulls me back on my feet.

Why do we fight and refuse to draw near?
Why open our hearts to adversaries like fear?
Why allow pain to cause an oozing sore
Instead of trusting God through wounds so raw?

"Surely He can see!" our hearts cry.
"The last person to take any more must be I!
I can't cope with the fear, the pain and the stress -
Where are the promises of peace and to bless?"

It is only when we crumple in heaps of despair
That we realise He's standing in wait of a prayer.
At our faint full surrender to let Him take control,
He waits til we're nothing to heal our souls.

~ Jane, 18/11/10

Letting Go

It took but a moment
As you stepped back well.
Now I've withdrawn
Way into my shell.

I remember a time
I grieved for friends lost;
Now I've learned to accept
The heavy cost.

People will come
As others go;
Don't learn to rely
They melt like snow.

Here today,
Tomorrow gone.
Life's like a breeze,
There's only one.

So don't hang on,
Don't cling to the past.
Put your memories away,
Don't let them last.

As long as you're needed,
There's a point hanging on.
When your lives seperate,
Let go 'cause there's none.

In phases of life,
You'll make new friends.
They come, backbite and go -
It's a passing trend.

So let go of your life,
Wave a cheerful goodbye.
Stand on your own feet -
And don't ever cry.

Buildin' Those Walls

Buildin' those walls that are well founded -
Deep dug, solid built and very well grounded.
My heart is the centre of the citadel.
And it won't surrender after the last shell.

Chorus:
Aching hearts,
Crying tears,
Subdue that pain
Crush those fears!

One good defence is sarcasm,
An even better wall is cynicism.
I'm hurting myself; I can feel the ache.
I'm gonna kill this with whatever it takes.

Runnin' from you, hiding from pain.
I'm gonna build up these walls again.
Nothing's gonna get through - love nor hate.
Only one solid wall, you won't find a gate.

I still wanna be your friend -
Just don't pry cause I won't bend.
Get underneath and I will run away.
I've had way too much betraying today.

Getting tough is the defence I've gotta build,
Life will be better when the gaps are filled.
They won't be filled, but they will be covered -
When all the pain is finally smothered.

Sure, I got a long way to reach this end,
But then you see, there won't be pain again.
It's a long run, but the best there's to be.
Go away, I'm fine from now, leave me.

What Next?

I wonder what will happen now.
Finally they have left. I am completely and utterly alone.
What course shall my life take now?
I am determined
In spite of all
That it will not follow the path it would have three days ago.

A change was being made -
I was starting to see light, joy and peace.
Now a further change has come -
Cutting me from
The hope gleaming within.
I will turn my back and carry on.

I will reap some measure
Of happiness and store up some tiny crumbs
And hope to lay them at my Master's feet someday.
How can I hope to follow
Living out of His will?
I will survive.

There is one who will stand
Heart aching for what I could have been.
But will stand irremovable.
Then THAT OTHER will
With calm cool sense
Put his arm over his shoulder and lead him away.

I knew this would happen. I saw it coming weeks ago -
The day he'd turn away.
And I would shrink back.
Now twin demons
Of resentment and bitterness
Peer from my hard eyes and set face.

The other will reassure him
He has done the right thing - cutting me loose.
If I hadn't enough willpower
To stay the course
Alone with God,
It was not his business. It's mine.

It's true! I laugh in defiance.
Because finally, I am alone.
Me and God.
What will happen now?
For now - I continue to live.
Day. To day. To day.

Goodbye, all friends.
Welcome, lonely emptiness.
I will teach myself never to trust again.

Searching For Answers - Revised

Searching for answers - where lies the truth?
In the Scriptures I search to uncover the proof.
The commands are there - the barriers are not.
The lines must from my heart be begot.

Searching for answers - I struggle for truth.
I'm searching and someday I know I'll find proof.
The darkness drew me into sin and despair -
I know there's no answers in the guilt trip down there.

Blackness and guilt and sin covered me.
By and in the blood of Jesus, I know I'm set free.
His love surrounds me, His peace to still -
I'm right and at peace if I'm living in His Will.

Searching for answers - I must draw the line.
Using the facts shady paths to define.
I know this in my head - it must come to my heart,
Or else light and Truth once again will depart.

I wish I knew certainly the boundaries drawn;
Then there'd be no end to the jubilant dawn.
There is still fear lying deep in my heart -
That once more I'll stumble and the joy will depart.

Searching for answers. Searching for Truth.
Searching for God. In Him will be proof.
There's no answers in shady grey or the black.
I can't find them in white, but I know they won't lack.

Strong belief, sincere faith! Oh come, dwell in me!
Shine in my heart with light of eternity!
Wisdom, fill my heart, not my head, with thy truth.
Bring me to God, for in Him I'll find proof!

Searching for answers - in Him lies the Way!
I'll stumble when my faith fails - alack the day!
Oh God, keep me strong, make me true, keep me pure.
Heal my heart and its wounds - for Thou art the Cure.

There is little more I can say to explain.
I'm still trying to ease and get out of my pain.
But I know in my heart that God lives, reigns above -
When I believe - my heart will dwell in the shade of His love.

~ Jane Johnson