Afraid

Waiting for you.
Fearing that
You won't come.

Quaking inside,
Fearing that
You will come.

Words bubbling up,
I can't share,
Sit and stare.

Wish I could
Open up.
Know you're there.

Afraid you'll come,
Afraid you won't.
Afraid you'll go.

Wish I could
Somehow tell
And you'd know.

The wistfulness
Need for forgiveness,
To know it's true.

To hold a hope,
We have tomorrow
Still brand new.

First Kiss

Do you know how easy it is to destroy every defence you built up for emotional purity? For two years after God delivered me from a foolish attachment I had got deeply emotionally involved with, I fought a battle for emotional purity. For over a year, I also fought a battle with a growing attraction to a young non-Christian cadet sergeant at my Squadron.

In October 2009, I learned that he was going to leave the Squadron. Suddenly. It had a shell-shock effect, because his father - our commanding officer - had been backbitten out, and it was a horrible mess. The six of us working to uphold the Squadron had become a very close knit bunch.

I spent a day with my uncle and aunt. They saw I was depressed and asked why. I told them. Then they attacked the entire principles I had founded my emotional purity on. They said there was nothing wrong with being boyfriend and girlfriend, nor with moderate kissing. I fought back - but weakly. And by the end of the day, I had caved in and admitted to myself and them that I loved him - not admitted, but let go of the barrier to let the floodtide of emotion loose.

You see - where in the Bible DOES it have clear cut guidelines? Where in the Bible DOES it say that you can't kiss a guy? All I could find were the lines on impurity and immoral behaviour - and a ban on sleeping around outside of marriage. In the next few days I wrote my first poem that is on this site - Searching For Answers.

Now, I am starting to see that there doesn't need to be definitive lines. Yes, I judged it as the laws of the Pharisees - law on law on law to protect the original law. But there are no laws. It is a matter of choice. And we have to choose to keep those boundaries up to support the heart of the matter.

Perhaps the difference becomes when it's forced and no longer a labour of love. Then it becomes Pharisaical.

Debating the other day with someone about saving your first kiss til you're at the altar, it suddenly struck me how precious the thing really is; following, I wrote this poem.


First Kiss

When you touch your lips to mine,
Thoughts will cease, and so will time.
I'll be lost in the wonder of your love;
Precious gift from God above.
I'll love you more than words can say,
When you kiss me on our wedding day.

All the wonder of Love Divine,
Is weakly reflected in yours and mine.
United together we shall be
To love and serve Him faithfully.
A blessing that seals, He has given us this -
Our first physical union at the altar - a kiss.

Masquerade

It is marvellous to see
I can still pretend so perfectly!
Making new friends and laughing again
Hiding away my heart of pain.
Offering encouragement and words to bless,
Showing them strength and happiness;
Who can guess what lies beneath?
The scars and wounds and ugly grief?
My pillow is no longer wet at night,
As I start out on my brand new life.

I pull those near who lean on me,
And push away those who my mask see.
I live a life that I pretend,
Giving life, love, joy right to the end.
I turn my heart to search for God,
And wonder why my soul feels odd.
It's like it's gone and withered away,
I wonder if it will come back today.
For hiding the pain of the past for tomorrow,
Has made me shy from too many sorrows.

I've made them promises I can't keep -
Alone without God holding me on my feet.
I've promised to be there, not to leave them alone,
As long as God permits, to share their groans.
How long can I withhold myself
And reach their hearts while keeping mine on a shelf?
To love and withhold, to support and not be,
To stand there a lie for someone else to see.
I share your joys and tears and pain;
But don't push me to share my heart again.

For it's quite funny, how easily
People believe the mask that they see.
They want to believe that you're faithful and true
But can't see the sorrows that pulled you through.
We need people to lean on but deny the power
That makes you run to them in your lonely hour.
So vulnerable, hurt so visibly
So tender and confused as you turn to me.
I reach out gently to hold your hand...
But withhold myself as I start to stand.

Struggle

An empty shell, a hollow ball;
Inside, defiant, I stand tall.
Putting on a facade to fool, to seem -
I'm starting to recognise a greater need.

It grows larger with each passing day,
As I grow sicker of my own way.
I turn bewildered from hand to hand,
Wondering who to fight and where to stand.

I pick up the Bible, bemusement increase,
I see Christ must control, as to be I must cease.
Yet in several corners, raging battles go on -
Though it's already decided Christ the Victor has won.

I want to trust, but my fear is too great.
Can my heart squeeze through that narrow gate?
I want to give in, to surrender complete,
But the pain that will come pulls me back on my feet.

Why do we fight and refuse to draw near?
Why open our hearts to adversaries like fear?
Why allow pain to cause an oozing sore
Instead of trusting God through wounds so raw?

"Surely He can see!" our hearts cry.
"The last person to take any more must be I!
I can't cope with the fear, the pain and the stress -
Where are the promises of peace and to bless?"

It is only when we crumple in heaps of despair
That we realise He's standing in wait of a prayer.
At our faint full surrender to let Him take control,
He waits til we're nothing to heal our souls.

~ Jane, 18/11/10

A Passionate Prayer

Lord, grant that I may be
A conduit; empty of self completely.
Take everything of myself away;
Fill me with You in Your entirety.

Pour Your Spirit upon me
Within me; fill me - fill me!
Teach me of Thyself, Thy glory and purity.
Lose me within the blessed radiance of Your presence.

Fix my heart and mind on You - guard them,
Enable me to do it! Teach me
And lead me in Thy ways. Bring me
To the point where I reflect only Your blazing purity.

Burn me with Your passion.
Cleanse me of my vile impurities.
Make me willing to put You - You Alone!
First in my heart and life above these wretched idols.

Lord, if only the better part of me -
The part which You have cleansed
And in which You dwell and control -
Would forever sway the entirety of my life!

I have run my life
Downhill, into failure, disappointment,
Dark gloom, deep despair.
Lord, take over the complete control!

If only my feeble tongue could express
The passionate longing of my heart
To be possessed by Thy Holy Spirit,
To follow You in the path of Your calling.

Gone is the desire for 'my' calling.
It is as dry dust in my mouth.
Any calling is a gift from Thee -
Never, never mine. For I am Yours, and the gift is Yours.

Lord, remove these idols from my heart
Which place the burdens, gifts,
Friends, passions, visions,
Before spending time revelling in Thy Word and Presence.

Take away my bitterness,
Hatred, arrogance, deep resentment, painful heart.
None of these reflect You, my Father.
I cannot dwell in the Light of Your Presence with them.

I am powerless to change myself.
I gave myself just as I am to You.
Only You can make me something.
Only You can burn the poisoned wound and make me in Your image.

Teach me how to love
With Your love; not the world's.
Teach me to love the unlovely.
Help me to love far beyond myself and for no motive but Thine.

I tried to change so often, but everytime,
I would climb four steps and fall back, ever deeper.
I thought I had to reach the acceptable level
Of sin, before You would reach to touch me.

Why could I not see that You only
Reach out to the vilest of the vile?
To the lowest of the low, to those who no longer
Have any hope, any faith, any love, anywhere to turn?

You humbled me, brought me to the knowledge
Of where I was when You brought me
Face to face with the lowest point of my highest standard.
A boyfriend for the queen of purity.

You showed me that where others had fallen
I could also go. I wept and hated myself
For I was not what I was - I had fallen.
I forgot to seek Your face, and had adopted false humility.

You brought a long lost friend
Back into my life. He showed me
That I needed not to change myself,
For that was impossible. I needed to love.

To love? How? I questioned over and over.
I could not understand. I still cannot.
I prayed for God to teach me how to love.
Not with my love, but with His love.

He brought people into my life
Who were going through almost exactly what
I had just passed through. The darkness,
The hatred, the despair, the poison, the influence.

I pitied, I wept, I identified. But
Not as myself. But as He. For He loves them.
And because of this, He enabled me to see them
Through His eyes. And I could also see me.

As dust, dirt and ashes. Vile, repugnant, intractable.
He sees the miniscule specks He created
But He pities our weakness, remembers we are dust...
And He loves us still, waiting for us to come - as we are.

I could not change myself. They cannot,
And they cannot see that God only wants the muck.
Until we are worthless, crawling heaps, and we
See ourselves as we are - He cannot use us at all.

In striving after Christ, Lord, never
Never let me be confident in self
Pretending that is of Thee. Let me always
Remember my weakness, constantly fleeing to Thy side.

Teach me how to show those whom Thou hast given to me,
With their vulnerable trust and their aching hearts,
Teach them Thy love. Ah Lord, I cannot still understand
How You brought me out. But teach them, that they might also return.

Help me to be open and honest with them,
To be cruel, yet kind, where they need a surgeon.
Give me the wisdom that is Thine to speak what I should.
Grant me the grace to be loving and patient.

Open my heart and mind to the knowledge
And experience and understanding of Your love.
Help me to see Thy pattern and to set
My own as mentor, mother, sister, supporter after Thine own.

Fill me with Your Holy Spirit.
Crush my pride of individuality, and
Possess me completely, to the point that no one
Can see me at all. Ever. But only Thy glory in me.

Make me willing to die to self, that
This crumbling monument to grace may
Be completely willing to kill its tiny individuality
To identify with the few and bear the weight of reflecting Thyself.

Lord, I do not just wish to reflect You
I want to be possessed of You that the world may know
That You are in me. That I am in You.
Explode Your love throughout my being, that I may love as You have loved me.

Lord, my words are feeble, and my fingers stumble
As I write these words. This impassioned plea.
I long to be dead to myself, the world, and sin.
Lord, use me as a feeble monument to Thy glory
That I may, in however tiny a way, be simply a pointer to Christ.

Buildin' Those Walls

Buildin' those walls that are well founded -
Deep dug, solid built and very well grounded.
My heart is the centre of the citadel.
And it won't surrender after the last shell.

Chorus:
Aching hearts,
Crying tears,
Subdue that pain
Crush those fears!

One good defence is sarcasm,
An even better wall is cynicism.
I'm hurting myself; I can feel the ache.
I'm gonna kill this with whatever it takes.

Runnin' from you, hiding from pain.
I'm gonna build up these walls again.
Nothing's gonna get through - love nor hate.
Only one solid wall, you won't find a gate.

I still wanna be your friend -
Just don't pry cause I won't bend.
Get underneath and I will run away.
I've had way too much betraying today.

Getting tough is the defence I've gotta build,
Life will be better when the gaps are filled.
They won't be filled, but they will be covered -
When all the pain is finally smothered.

Sure, I got a long way to reach this end,
But then you see, there won't be pain again.
It's a long run, but the best there's to be.
Go away, I'm fine from now, leave me.

What Next?

I wonder what will happen now.
Finally they have left. I am completely and utterly alone.
What course shall my life take now?
I am determined
In spite of all
That it will not follow the path it would have three days ago.

A change was being made -
I was starting to see light, joy and peace.
Now a further change has come -
Cutting me from
The hope gleaming within.
I will turn my back and carry on.

I will reap some measure
Of happiness and store up some tiny crumbs
And hope to lay them at my Master's feet someday.
How can I hope to follow
Living out of His will?
I will survive.

There is one who will stand
Heart aching for what I could have been.
But will stand irremovable.
Then THAT OTHER will
With calm cool sense
Put his arm over his shoulder and lead him away.

I knew this would happen. I saw it coming weeks ago -
The day he'd turn away.
And I would shrink back.
Now twin demons
Of resentment and bitterness
Peer from my hard eyes and set face.

The other will reassure him
He has done the right thing - cutting me loose.
If I hadn't enough willpower
To stay the course
Alone with God,
It was not his business. It's mine.

It's true! I laugh in defiance.
Because finally, I am alone.
Me and God.
What will happen now?
For now - I continue to live.
Day. To day. To day.

Goodbye, all friends.
Welcome, lonely emptiness.
I will teach myself never to trust again.

Searching For Answers - Revised

Searching for answers - where lies the truth?
In the Scriptures I search to uncover the proof.
The commands are there - the barriers are not.
The lines must from my heart be begot.

Searching for answers - I struggle for truth.
I'm searching and someday I know I'll find proof.
The darkness drew me into sin and despair -
I know there's no answers in the guilt trip down there.

Blackness and guilt and sin covered me.
By and in the blood of Jesus, I know I'm set free.
His love surrounds me, His peace to still -
I'm right and at peace if I'm living in His Will.

Searching for answers - I must draw the line.
Using the facts shady paths to define.
I know this in my head - it must come to my heart,
Or else light and Truth once again will depart.

I wish I knew certainly the boundaries drawn;
Then there'd be no end to the jubilant dawn.
There is still fear lying deep in my heart -
That once more I'll stumble and the joy will depart.

Searching for answers. Searching for Truth.
Searching for God. In Him will be proof.
There's no answers in shady grey or the black.
I can't find them in white, but I know they won't lack.

Strong belief, sincere faith! Oh come, dwell in me!
Shine in my heart with light of eternity!
Wisdom, fill my heart, not my head, with thy truth.
Bring me to God, for in Him I'll find proof!

Searching for answers - in Him lies the Way!
I'll stumble when my faith fails - alack the day!
Oh God, keep me strong, make me true, keep me pure.
Heal my heart and its wounds - for Thou art the Cure.

There is little more I can say to explain.
I'm still trying to ease and get out of my pain.
But I know in my heart that God lives, reigns above -
When I believe - my heart will dwell in the shade of His love.

~ Jane Johnson

Heartcry

"Oh Jesus, I have promised,"
Oh, keep my eyes on Thee!
Flesh and the world draw near,
I want to follow me.
Desires are vain and fleeting,
And beauty insincere;
My heart easily sidetracked -
Oh Jesus, draw Thou near.

The goal that Thou hast set me;
The cross I must take up,
And crush these prideful passions,
And taste Thy bitter cup.
Help me to see Thy glory,
And Thy dear face beyond.
To sit at Thy feet, Jesus,
With Thy righteousness donned.

I am so weak, Lord Jesus,
I know that Thou art strong.
Help me always remember,
Self reliance is wrong.
Keep me a steadfast friend,
Make me hold up, endure.
Turn my eyes from this world,
Keep Thou my calling sure.

Starving

There is an emptiness deep in my heart,
The happiness I show is a fake.
Transistory joy is all that lies within -
Revival - oh, what will it take?

My sin looms darker, right over my head,
A burden that's ready to break.
For those who care and love me still -
The blackness could that violently shake.

I see the sin lying deep within,
I know not what to say.
I call out, and fall back to sin -
My tongue speaks; I do not pray.

A queen of purity - demonical laughter
Falls loudly on my ear.
Soldier of Christ, knight of His Truth -
He seems to disappear.

The blackness of guilt drives me from His face,
My soul is too weary for prayer.
I search and I try to overcome sin,
Loathsome, its presence still there.

There are areas of life I cannot surrender,
I'm afraid to lay them at His cross.
My life, my own, to serve Him as I want...
I will continue to suffer this loss.

Why be afraid to trust the Refiner,
His Hands ever strong and so sure?
He has to put me in the burning fire
To bring me out perfect and pure.

Why not trust the Weaver Whos weaving goes on,
With the shuttle and thread of my life?
The colours are dark and the snip of the scissors
Can be the symbols of strife.

Why not trust the Helper, Who stands there beside
Waiting to take me in His arms?
The Hands that will help will hurt to cure -
He will break before He uses the balm.

I am afraid of the pain and the hurt,
The fire, the darkness, the wounds;
So afraid of the injuries; I will pursue
My course, though my heart it entombs.

Is dying to self more painful a death
Than the pain I've already gone through?
How can I tell? If I surrender now,
There is pain - certain and true.

And so the emptiness lies on my heart,
The pressure, the pain carry on.
Until I surrender my all to the Cross -
This trouble has only begun.

August 14th, 2010

My Own Dark Way

Dedicated to Alex, Kyle, Kiehl and Jess.

My Own Dark Way


The blood still flows from the Saviour's side,
The Arms of mercy are open wide.
"Too late!" The blind, proud sinner cries,
Turning back to his own dark way.

Why am I so proud and refuse to see
God's love still there, still waiting for me?
The Great Love that suffered such agony -
And I turn back to my own dark way.

A Love I cannot understand,
A Love that no man ever can,
A paradox; a special brand -
Why turn to my own dark way?

There is nothing such Love cannot forgive,
A crime we know, no one else can perceive.
Why can't my stubborn heart believe?
- I turn back to my own dark way.

A way without God, without Truth, without Light,
A way I have chosen, as black as night.
"He can turn the darkness into light!"
I return to my own dark way.

The way of sin is an easy path;
It brings suffering, pain, death at last.
God's Voice still rings out as a blast -
"Turn to Me from your own dark way!"

A brother reaches out a helping hand,
A sister gives a hug, all the love she can.
I turn away, I don't understand -
Back to my own dark way.

The storms of life come blackly in,
Toss my frail boat in hellish din,
I pray and search and don't find Him -
And turn back to my own dark way.

Is there a love which can hold me
Through crashing wave and torturing sea -
Hands that will never let go of me?
I turn back to my own dark way.

The chains of sin do me ensnare,
Drag me down with chains so fair.
How did I end up down there?
I went my own dark way.

Oh God, You are there, You see me now.
Blackened and guilty before Thee I bow;
Perfect and holy and righteous art Thou.
Forgiveness and Thee, I cannot perceive - how?
My life I have given and broken that vow -
I am still in my chosen dark way.

July 2010

Awake!

Awake, my soul, and from thy banished worries cease thy care,
All thy heavy burdens thou didst with thy Master share.
Why wakest thou and take up the struggle of life from the past?
A new day dawns; leave the old and start the new at last.

'Tis strange, how sleep only provides a respite from our fears,
How many a burden is carried on through months and years.
The Master ordered us to put our burdens at His feet.
Why drag we on the struggle, when He is strong and we are weak?

So foolishly we carry on, laying not our burdens down.
The strife and stress of many a day - we still hear the battle sound.
Perfect trust and perfect love are offered from above,
Why turn away to pain and tears from such wondrous Love?

A pain-filled heart - a saddened face - shows not our Master's joy.
Peace that passeth understanding - we choose for this to cloy.
We cannot hide from the share of trials that God brings our way.
Our choice is whether to mourn through them or cheer on a bright new day.

Jane Johnson,
9-01-10

Unfailing Love

When doubts assail
And fears within,
When life wars
With hellish din.
When friends have gone
And comforters flee -
To Whom shall I turn,
My Lord, but Thee?

The distance between
Is caused by me,
When I choose
Not to turn to Thee.
What insanity,
Or demonical power,
Makes me want to turn
From Thy Throne in this hour?

You are "by my side,
Wherever I fall."
"You raise me up,"
Lord God of all!
Though I in my foolishness
Still turn away,
You take me back
Each time I fail.

What Love is this?
I ne'er cease to wonder;
What Love corrects
And uses each blunder?
What Love can take
A faithless whore,
Accept again as wife
After each fall?

Ah Love Divine!
Uncomprehensible depth!
For my sin
The Saviour wept?!
What made Him carry
My sin to the cross?
Grace and mercy
Made Him give life to us.

Jane Johnson, 27-12-09

The Choice

Written in October/November, after I fell in love to my shame with a non-Christian.

The Choice

The path lies before me
It's split in two ways.
The burden I choose
Will follow all my days.
The Cross stands before me,
Sign of ultimate love;
Divine salvation
To a wretch - from above.

Which cross shall I choose?
Let it be for His glory.
The other will give me
A horrible story.

Ah yes, another one
Lies in the road.
Wood warped and twisted
Forced together and bowed.
Bitter cross to bear!
Can this be love's story?
Must I sacrifice this
For my Saviour's glory?

"I love him;" please give me
A translation of this.
"I cannot;" is your love
More important than His?
Could you be willing
To die for this boy?
Could your lives be used
For the Saviour's joy?

The path lies before me.
It's split in two ways.
One seems to lead
To an open grave.
What will it bring
But many tears?
Much doubt and pain
Through future years?

You gave your heart
To the conquering Lord.
Traitor! You've stolen!
Feel the two-edged sword.
Divine wrath and mercy -
How can they mix?
Will He break my heart more?
Can He it fix?

Oh Love Divine
So ancient and true!
How can I think
Of deserting you?
Can't my loves mix?
One always saves;
The other is leading
To an open grave.

My God! I am too weak
To kill earthly love thus!
Happiness is rare;
Must it smash to dust?
"I love you, Lord!"
"How insincere!
Your heart is far
While your words are near."

Searching For Answers

I wrote this October '09, when the beliefs I had read and accepted about kissing and relationships before marriage were called into question. I realised I had accepted - and did not have any solid grounding.


Searching for Answers

Searching for answers - where lies the truth?
In the Scripture I search to discover no proof.
My heart is laid bare - the world stares me down
Where lie the answers? Will I lose my crown?

Where lie the answers? There is nothing to say
How I must live my life out from day to day.
All of my trials the Master went through -
How did He answer? What did He do?

I turn to the Bible - where do I find
How to react in this new modern life?
Kisses are cheapened - where is my heart?
Can I have hardened into playing the part?

Searching for answers - where lies the truth?
The God-man is perfect - no other will do.
So what is wrong - where draw we the line?
Is the slippery slope taking me in its stride?

Where are the answers? I'm searching for truth.
Fighting each point to uncover the proof.
I want to be God's - to serve Him alone.
Why fight I this battle so far from His throne?

Can He see the struggle so deep in my heart?
I'm human - not perfect, my Lord, as Thou art.
Forgive me all sin - oh show me the truth!
Before I fall from all help - beyond proof.