The Way I Am

Terrified,
Realise
You don't like me
The way I am.

Knowing that
Feeling flat.
I don't like me,
The way I am.

Looking in,
See so much sin.
Hate so much
The way I am.

Distant pity,
Won't leave me,
Alone and hating
The way I am.

Hating distance,
Wish you'd go once,
And leave me
The way I am.

God looks down,
With tender frown.
Starts to change
The way I am.

Knowing still,
I'm in His will,
And He loves me
The way I am.

The love I need,
Won't ever succeed.
Only God can love
The way I am.

Who I am
A special plan.
Refining me
The way I am.

Won't be free
Of individuality.
Changing me
The way I am.

So go away,
No fake love play -
God loves me just
The way I am.

Beautiful Girls

Smashing face on the bars,
Wishing it would scar.
Everything she hates
Especially on this date.

Features flat and plain,
She scratches them again.
Eyes so small and squinted,
Even when they're tinted.

Nose so fat and snub,
Figure like a blob.
Fingers small and stunted,
Chin too short and blunted.

The world passes her by,
With a scornful eye.
She shrinks beneath their gaze,
Scorched by their blaze.

Chasing the popular girls,
Trampling the pearls.
They never stop to see,
The worth in you and me.

Dragged in by their allure,
We follow, insecure.
Trying to become
"Attractive" for the fun.

We often fail to view
Heartbreaks of girls wooed,
For something that will fade,
And join the discarded cascade.

Stopping after a while,
We're now part of the pile.
A playtoy thrown away,
Unwanted after a day.

Just you look and see,
Never part of them were we.
God loves us as we are.
Plain, ugly, smashed apart.

King's daughters, Christ within.
Following the world is sin.
Keep your hearts on Christ and see
The mirror of you and me.

First Kiss

Do you know how easy it is to destroy every defence you built up for emotional purity? For two years after God delivered me from a foolish attachment I had got deeply emotionally involved with, I fought a battle for emotional purity. For over a year, I also fought a battle with a growing attraction to a young non-Christian cadet sergeant at my Squadron.

In October 2009, I learned that he was going to leave the Squadron. Suddenly. It had a shell-shock effect, because his father - our commanding officer - had been backbitten out, and it was a horrible mess. The six of us working to uphold the Squadron had become a very close knit bunch.

I spent a day with my uncle and aunt. They saw I was depressed and asked why. I told them. Then they attacked the entire principles I had founded my emotional purity on. They said there was nothing wrong with being boyfriend and girlfriend, nor with moderate kissing. I fought back - but weakly. And by the end of the day, I had caved in and admitted to myself and them that I loved him - not admitted, but let go of the barrier to let the floodtide of emotion loose.

You see - where in the Bible DOES it have clear cut guidelines? Where in the Bible DOES it say that you can't kiss a guy? All I could find were the lines on impurity and immoral behaviour - and a ban on sleeping around outside of marriage. In the next few days I wrote my first poem that is on this site - Searching For Answers.

Now, I am starting to see that there doesn't need to be definitive lines. Yes, I judged it as the laws of the Pharisees - law on law on law to protect the original law. But there are no laws. It is a matter of choice. And we have to choose to keep those boundaries up to support the heart of the matter.

Perhaps the difference becomes when it's forced and no longer a labour of love. Then it becomes Pharisaical.

Debating the other day with someone about saving your first kiss til you're at the altar, it suddenly struck me how precious the thing really is; following, I wrote this poem.


First Kiss

When you touch your lips to mine,
Thoughts will cease, and so will time.
I'll be lost in the wonder of your love;
Precious gift from God above.
I'll love you more than words can say,
When you kiss me on our wedding day.

All the wonder of Love Divine,
Is weakly reflected in yours and mine.
United together we shall be
To love and serve Him faithfully.
A blessing that seals, He has given us this -
Our first physical union at the altar - a kiss.

Baby Dear

From your cradle comes a choked wail,
And I hurry to your side.
Hanging over your cradle, I murmur
Soothing sounds and hushing noises.
Mommy wakes and sleepily asks
If she should rock you, or whether I will.
I reject her proposal and bend down,
Scooping you into my arms.

The only thing I hate about rocking you
Is that you will scream incessantly down my ear.
And it leaves an unmusical ringing
For quite a while afterwards.
But when you are quiet and only
Making those wheezing breaths as you
Recover from your violent screams,
I look down on you and marvel.

Those tiny fingers that waved so frantically,
Grabbing fistfuls of my shirt to hold me;
Or else, they wave around in the air
Until they randomly lay hold of my fingers,
And then they curl tightly round them
Dragging mine with yours on their wandering way.
Those tiny hands, so small against mine.
Those incredible perfect fingers.

I love the feel of your velvet skin
When you lay your cheek against my neck.
I love the softness of your hair
When you burrow your head under my chin.
I love the way your body snuggles
As if it were made to fit against mine.
I love how you curl up in my arms
Totally vulnerable, helpless - and unconcerned.

There's only two thing I hate
About holding you strongly in my arms.
You arouse feelings in my body and heart
That I never knew were there.
And you make me love you, you helpless darling
With every passionate protective chord in me.
When you turn your head, seeking nourishment
I cannot provide; how I hate that I cannot do it.

Even though I'm not your mother;
I'm only your auntie who dearly loves you.
But, Ayanna, I would gladly do
Anything I could that would help you.
Little princess, my heart lies captive
In your baby embrace and your wandering eyes.
I can barely wait for the day when
I hold you in my arms, and you know me.