I feel so speechless
Yet the words
Are pouring through my head.
Finally the heart of the matter
Has been opened,
And I begin to see.
The fog is so thick
So blinding
Unclear and grey and hazy.
Put out my hands and fall.
Someone catches me
And helps me through the night.
It's like...a door...
With a key lost
Fumbling frantically to find it.
Like an oozing sore...
That I know the pain but
Cannot find the source.
Suddenly a cry to God
And He answers
In a flash, when least expected.
Flashes of truth
Pierce the darkness with shards
Of radiant hope and glorious light.
I start to comprehend
Little things that
Never made sense to me before.
Been coming for weeks
And only now
Can I understand the change coming.
The biggest since
I chose love
Over running away from it.
That's why the demons
Are fighting so hard
To stop me now. Because they know.
So does God
In Whom I trust.
So do those leading me.
I can't see. But I know
He won't let go.
Teach me Thy paths.
Purify. No matter the cost.
Showing posts with label searching for answers. Show all posts
Showing posts with label searching for answers. Show all posts
Monday, January 02, 2012
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Words Cannot Tell
I wrote this at the Squadron. Seems to be the one place in real life I emotionally let go. A big thank you to 196 staff for their support right now.
The lines are irregular, but on due consideration I won't be changing it.
I want to write
And cannot find
The words to tell
What's in my mind.
How can I tell
The sobs that tear
Me inside out?
Emotions wear
My heart right down.
I cannot find
The words to say
What's in my mind.
Scrawl on paper,
Simple words
That cannot write
The way I hurt;
The feelings that
Compulsively
Drive me to try
And hurt me.
To alleviate
My emotional pain -
Physical hurt.
But what's to gain?
I want to take
From scars so deep;
The hurt inside
Forced me to weep.
Where can I take
My deepest grief?
Words are failing -
So's underneath.
The bottom of
My life fell through;
Where can I go -
And tell - who?
Lord, You reign,
High over all.
You see me
Whenever I fall.
Right now, bleeding
And trying to fight,
My God! Don't leave me
In this night!
To Thee, my Rock,
Alone, I cling.
Saviour, to Thee
My grief I bring.
Your Arms around me
Hold me near.
You quell my grief
And calm my fear.
Into Your Face
I look, and know
With love, You cause
This for me to grow.
In Christ Alone,
Soli Deo Gloria.
Jane Johnson,
March 24, 2011
The lines are irregular, but on due consideration I won't be changing it.
I want to write
And cannot find
The words to tell
What's in my mind.
How can I tell
The sobs that tear
Me inside out?
Emotions wear
My heart right down.
I cannot find
The words to say
What's in my mind.
Scrawl on paper,
Simple words
That cannot write
The way I hurt;
The feelings that
Compulsively
Drive me to try
And hurt me.
To alleviate
My emotional pain -
Physical hurt.
But what's to gain?
I want to take
From scars so deep;
The hurt inside
Forced me to weep.
Where can I take
My deepest grief?
Words are failing -
So's underneath.
The bottom of
My life fell through;
Where can I go -
And tell - who?
Lord, You reign,
High over all.
You see me
Whenever I fall.
Right now, bleeding
And trying to fight,
My God! Don't leave me
In this night!
To Thee, my Rock,
Alone, I cling.
Saviour, to Thee
My grief I bring.
Your Arms around me
Hold me near.
You quell my grief
And calm my fear.
Into Your Face
I look, and know
With love, You cause
This for me to grow.
In Christ Alone,
Soli Deo Gloria.
Jane Johnson,
March 24, 2011
Tuesday, January 04, 2011
First Kiss
Do you know how easy it is to destroy every defence you built up for emotional purity? For two years after God delivered me from a foolish attachment I had got deeply emotionally involved with, I fought a battle for emotional purity. For over a year, I also fought a battle with a growing attraction to a young non-Christian cadet sergeant at my Squadron.
In October 2009, I learned that he was going to leave the Squadron. Suddenly. It had a shell-shock effect, because his father - our commanding officer - had been backbitten out, and it was a horrible mess. The six of us working to uphold the Squadron had become a very close knit bunch.
I spent a day with my uncle and aunt. They saw I was depressed and asked why. I told them. Then they attacked the entire principles I had founded my emotional purity on. They said there was nothing wrong with being boyfriend and girlfriend, nor with moderate kissing. I fought back - but weakly. And by the end of the day, I had caved in and admitted to myself and them that I loved him - not admitted, but let go of the barrier to let the floodtide of emotion loose.
You see - where in the Bible DOES it have clear cut guidelines? Where in the Bible DOES it say that you can't kiss a guy? All I could find were the lines on impurity and immoral behaviour - and a ban on sleeping around outside of marriage. In the next few days I wrote my first poem that is on this site - Searching For Answers.
Now, I am starting to see that there doesn't need to be definitive lines. Yes, I judged it as the laws of the Pharisees - law on law on law to protect the original law. But there are no laws. It is a matter of choice. And we have to choose to keep those boundaries up to support the heart of the matter.
Perhaps the difference becomes when it's forced and no longer a labour of love. Then it becomes Pharisaical.
Debating the other day with someone about saving your first kiss til you're at the altar, it suddenly struck me how precious the thing really is; following, I wrote this poem.
First Kiss
When you touch your lips to mine,
Thoughts will cease, and so will time.
I'll be lost in the wonder of your love;
Precious gift from God above.
I'll love you more than words can say,
When you kiss me on our wedding day.
All the wonder of Love Divine,
Is weakly reflected in yours and mine.
United together we shall be
To love and serve Him faithfully.
A blessing that seals, He has given us this -
Our first physical union at the altar - a kiss.
In October 2009, I learned that he was going to leave the Squadron. Suddenly. It had a shell-shock effect, because his father - our commanding officer - had been backbitten out, and it was a horrible mess. The six of us working to uphold the Squadron had become a very close knit bunch.
I spent a day with my uncle and aunt. They saw I was depressed and asked why. I told them. Then they attacked the entire principles I had founded my emotional purity on. They said there was nothing wrong with being boyfriend and girlfriend, nor with moderate kissing. I fought back - but weakly. And by the end of the day, I had caved in and admitted to myself and them that I loved him - not admitted, but let go of the barrier to let the floodtide of emotion loose.
You see - where in the Bible DOES it have clear cut guidelines? Where in the Bible DOES it say that you can't kiss a guy? All I could find were the lines on impurity and immoral behaviour - and a ban on sleeping around outside of marriage. In the next few days I wrote my first poem that is on this site - Searching For Answers.
Now, I am starting to see that there doesn't need to be definitive lines. Yes, I judged it as the laws of the Pharisees - law on law on law to protect the original law. But there are no laws. It is a matter of choice. And we have to choose to keep those boundaries up to support the heart of the matter.
Perhaps the difference becomes when it's forced and no longer a labour of love. Then it becomes Pharisaical.
Debating the other day with someone about saving your first kiss til you're at the altar, it suddenly struck me how precious the thing really is; following, I wrote this poem.
First Kiss
When you touch your lips to mine,
Thoughts will cease, and so will time.
I'll be lost in the wonder of your love;
Precious gift from God above.
I'll love you more than words can say,
When you kiss me on our wedding day.
All the wonder of Love Divine,
Is weakly reflected in yours and mine.
United together we shall be
To love and serve Him faithfully.
A blessing that seals, He has given us this -
Our first physical union at the altar - a kiss.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Lost
Curled up
Hiding from
You.
Watching them
A family tableau,
Hurting.
Wondering why
Nothing changes.
Fixed.
Wondering why
It all hurts
So bad.
All alone
By choice
Aching.
Wanting change
Uncertain how
Left.
All friends,
Giving up,
Hopeless.
Curling up,
Turn away.
Lost.
Hiding from
You.
Watching them
A family tableau,
Hurting.
Wondering why
Nothing changes.
Fixed.
Wondering why
It all hurts
So bad.
All alone
By choice
Aching.
Wanting change
Uncertain how
Left.
All friends,
Giving up,
Hopeless.
Curling up,
Turn away.
Lost.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Funny
It's funny how like a little girl
I feel when walking down the street.
Skipping with my arm tucked in Daddy's,
And a skirt reaching to my feet.
We both stroll happily together
Through biting chill and shops.
He gives me a £10 note,
I give a happy cry, hug and hop.
Although we often don't get along
I adore the times we do.
Daddy, you love by giving to me;
I know I'm horrid, but I do love you.
Walking along all wrapped up warm,
My hair tied back in a bun,
Daddy's wearing his big bear coat,
I've glasses and no makeup on.
It's funny how safe I feel inside
How happy and little-girl I can be,
When I don't feel I have to impress;
Caused by dress, and Daddy and me.
I stood carolling in the shopping centre,
While Dad nipped in to "the boys",
Holding the shopping and singing along,
Heart chords touched by Christmas joy.
He asked if I had room to eat
One of Gregg's marvellous sausage rolls.
I laughed, and said of course I can!
I just can't eat one whole!
We stepped inside the shop and we
Ordered one from the tired shop man.
He barely looks up as he wraps it in
A bag as quick as he can.
He hands it over the counter and
With a smile, I catch his eye,
Wish him a happy Christmas,
And to my surprise, he nearly cries.
His worried expression relaxes as
He glances to both of us,
With a softened face, he gratefully says,
"And to you - God bless."
My dad returns the blessing and
We set out for the car park near.
Jauntily happy as we walk along -
Glad God used us to give Christmas cheer.
It's funny how different I feel,
As later that night I replace
My long skirt with a knee length one,
And apply makeup to my face.
As I pull on my military shirt,
Adjust my corporal's stripes,
Slip into my parade shoes,
And get ready for the night -
I learn to deal with security,
Incompetance and fear.
The loss of three of my best friends;
Isolated and backbitten here.
My failings are held to open scorn,
My false dealings against the Light -
The Light I held forth for so long
Will be mocked because of me tonight.
Independent, I stride out,
I fight to cover my faults.
Withdrawing from the pushy crowd
Faintly fighting each religious assault.
It's funny to see the difference in girls.
One little girl, safe and secure.
The other one independent and strong,
Making walls as defences get fewer.
Which one was I meant to be?
Can't live the first all my life.
So I need to stand out there and get
A grip with daily strife.
Oh God, make me what I once was!
Help me to strive to be
The witness for Thee I once dreamed
That Thou didst destine me!
I feel when walking down the street.
Skipping with my arm tucked in Daddy's,
And a skirt reaching to my feet.
We both stroll happily together
Through biting chill and shops.
He gives me a £10 note,
I give a happy cry, hug and hop.
Although we often don't get along
I adore the times we do.
Daddy, you love by giving to me;
I know I'm horrid, but I do love you.
Walking along all wrapped up warm,
My hair tied back in a bun,
Daddy's wearing his big bear coat,
I've glasses and no makeup on.
It's funny how safe I feel inside
How happy and little-girl I can be,
When I don't feel I have to impress;
Caused by dress, and Daddy and me.
I stood carolling in the shopping centre,
While Dad nipped in to "the boys",
Holding the shopping and singing along,
Heart chords touched by Christmas joy.
He asked if I had room to eat
One of Gregg's marvellous sausage rolls.
I laughed, and said of course I can!
I just can't eat one whole!
We stepped inside the shop and we
Ordered one from the tired shop man.
He barely looks up as he wraps it in
A bag as quick as he can.
He hands it over the counter and
With a smile, I catch his eye,
Wish him a happy Christmas,
And to my surprise, he nearly cries.
His worried expression relaxes as
He glances to both of us,
With a softened face, he gratefully says,
"And to you - God bless."
My dad returns the blessing and
We set out for the car park near.
Jauntily happy as we walk along -
Glad God used us to give Christmas cheer.
It's funny how different I feel,
As later that night I replace
My long skirt with a knee length one,
And apply makeup to my face.
As I pull on my military shirt,
Adjust my corporal's stripes,
Slip into my parade shoes,
And get ready for the night -
I learn to deal with security,
Incompetance and fear.
The loss of three of my best friends;
Isolated and backbitten here.
My failings are held to open scorn,
My false dealings against the Light -
The Light I held forth for so long
Will be mocked because of me tonight.
Independent, I stride out,
I fight to cover my faults.
Withdrawing from the pushy crowd
Faintly fighting each religious assault.
It's funny to see the difference in girls.
One little girl, safe and secure.
The other one independent and strong,
Making walls as defences get fewer.
Which one was I meant to be?
Can't live the first all my life.
So I need to stand out there and get
A grip with daily strife.
Oh God, make me what I once was!
Help me to strive to be
The witness for Thee I once dreamed
That Thou didst destine me!
Friday, November 26, 2010
Divorce
Sitting here watching your face,
Watching you fight back the tears
As you hold your baby and your heart
Hidden close from your friends.
Aching for the pain you experience
So broken and smashed up from past relationships.
Trying to trust the man you love
Who is worthless and self centred.
Watching you look adoringly at your baby,
Through the agony you suffer inside.
Trying to make the right decisions for her -
Suffering emotional abuse.
She will go through this too...
You will suffer so much watching her suffer.
Go now, free yourself from the chains...
Or watch your baby grow up as scarred as you.
Emotions aren't everything, darling...
Let it go. It's not just you now...
Set your heart free...
And learn to heal.
Watching you fight back the tears
As you hold your baby and your heart
Hidden close from your friends.
Aching for the pain you experience
So broken and smashed up from past relationships.
Trying to trust the man you love
Who is worthless and self centred.
Watching you look adoringly at your baby,
Through the agony you suffer inside.
Trying to make the right decisions for her -
Suffering emotional abuse.
She will go through this too...
You will suffer so much watching her suffer.
Go now, free yourself from the chains...
Or watch your baby grow up as scarred as you.
Emotions aren't everything, darling...
Let it go. It's not just you now...
Set your heart free...
And learn to heal.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Steps
One step forward and ten steps back.
Of faith in God is there a lack?
A refusal to follow Him complete
To trust Him with all my needs?
Yesterday now seems, oh, so black.
I took one step forwards and ten steps back.
One step forward, ten steps back.
The veneer of confidence begins to crack.
God shows idolatry, unforgiveness within;
He's convicting me of all my sins.
Fearing the mirror, I begin to run -
One step forwards means ten steps gone.
One step forwards and ten steps back.
A burden grows heavier as I'm laid on the rack.
Crucifying self is no easy thing;
To the foot of the Cross, my guilt I must bring.
Surrending all areas - I must - it's a fact.
Or it's one step forwards and ten steps back.
Jane Johnson
31/10/10
Of faith in God is there a lack?
A refusal to follow Him complete
To trust Him with all my needs?
Yesterday now seems, oh, so black.
I took one step forwards and ten steps back.
One step forward, ten steps back.
The veneer of confidence begins to crack.
God shows idolatry, unforgiveness within;
He's convicting me of all my sins.
Fearing the mirror, I begin to run -
One step forwards means ten steps gone.
One step forwards and ten steps back.
A burden grows heavier as I'm laid on the rack.
Crucifying self is no easy thing;
To the foot of the Cross, my guilt I must bring.
Surrending all areas - I must - it's a fact.
Or it's one step forwards and ten steps back.
Jane Johnson
31/10/10
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Searching For Answers - Revised
Searching for answers - where lies the truth?
In the Scriptures I search to uncover the proof.
The commands are there - the barriers are not.
The lines must from my heart be begot.
Searching for answers - I struggle for truth.
I'm searching and someday I know I'll find proof.
The darkness drew me into sin and despair -
I know there's no answers in the guilt trip down there.
Blackness and guilt and sin covered me.
By and in the blood of Jesus, I know I'm set free.
His love surrounds me, His peace to still -
I'm right and at peace if I'm living in His Will.
Searching for answers - I must draw the line.
Using the facts shady paths to define.
I know this in my head - it must come to my heart,
Or else light and Truth once again will depart.
I wish I knew certainly the boundaries drawn;
Then there'd be no end to the jubilant dawn.
There is still fear lying deep in my heart -
That once more I'll stumble and the joy will depart.
Searching for answers. Searching for Truth.
Searching for God. In Him will be proof.
There's no answers in shady grey or the black.
I can't find them in white, but I know they won't lack.
Strong belief, sincere faith! Oh come, dwell in me!
Shine in my heart with light of eternity!
Wisdom, fill my heart, not my head, with thy truth.
Bring me to God, for in Him I'll find proof!
Searching for answers - in Him lies the Way!
I'll stumble when my faith fails - alack the day!
Oh God, keep me strong, make me true, keep me pure.
Heal my heart and its wounds - for Thou art the Cure.
There is little more I can say to explain.
I'm still trying to ease and get out of my pain.
But I know in my heart that God lives, reigns above -
When I believe - my heart will dwell in the shade of His love.
~ Jane Johnson
In the Scriptures I search to uncover the proof.
The commands are there - the barriers are not.
The lines must from my heart be begot.
Searching for answers - I struggle for truth.
I'm searching and someday I know I'll find proof.
The darkness drew me into sin and despair -
I know there's no answers in the guilt trip down there.
Blackness and guilt and sin covered me.
By and in the blood of Jesus, I know I'm set free.
His love surrounds me, His peace to still -
I'm right and at peace if I'm living in His Will.
Searching for answers - I must draw the line.
Using the facts shady paths to define.
I know this in my head - it must come to my heart,
Or else light and Truth once again will depart.
I wish I knew certainly the boundaries drawn;
Then there'd be no end to the jubilant dawn.
There is still fear lying deep in my heart -
That once more I'll stumble and the joy will depart.
Searching for answers. Searching for Truth.
Searching for God. In Him will be proof.
There's no answers in shady grey or the black.
I can't find them in white, but I know they won't lack.
Strong belief, sincere faith! Oh come, dwell in me!
Shine in my heart with light of eternity!
Wisdom, fill my heart, not my head, with thy truth.
Bring me to God, for in Him I'll find proof!
Searching for answers - in Him lies the Way!
I'll stumble when my faith fails - alack the day!
Oh God, keep me strong, make me true, keep me pure.
Heal my heart and its wounds - for Thou art the Cure.
There is little more I can say to explain.
I'm still trying to ease and get out of my pain.
But I know in my heart that God lives, reigns above -
When I believe - my heart will dwell in the shade of His love.
~ Jane Johnson
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Dried Up
Blankness.
A state of mindless numbness.
A lack of feeling.
Have my emotions reached such a pitch
That to cope with them, my mind has shut down?
Memory, once strong, fails.
Life, once beautiful, is black.
Hope and love and laughter
Is a fading, fleeting memory.
I forget as I face the darkness.
Empty - my heart.
Cold - my feelings.
Pain - my conscious emotion.
Deadened - my reaction to it.
Circular - my thinking.
Where did I change?
Where has my heart gone?
What lies ahead of me?
How did I get here?
Will I ever be able to feel again?
But even this
Is better than the pain which
Drove me to self harm.
This deadness of mind
This painless numbness.
My body stumbles along,
I drag it from day to day.
Wearily along the road,
And people see my sad face
And wonder.
I no longer stand out from them.
My heart has been broken like theirs.
My mind has been polluted as theirs.
My emotions deadened by addictions - as theirs.
Yet this I curse in myself which I cannot lay at them.
I knew the Light. And they have not.
A state of mindless numbness.
A lack of feeling.
Have my emotions reached such a pitch
That to cope with them, my mind has shut down?
Memory, once strong, fails.
Life, once beautiful, is black.
Hope and love and laughter
Is a fading, fleeting memory.
I forget as I face the darkness.
Empty - my heart.
Cold - my feelings.
Pain - my conscious emotion.
Deadened - my reaction to it.
Circular - my thinking.
Where did I change?
Where has my heart gone?
What lies ahead of me?
How did I get here?
Will I ever be able to feel again?
But even this
Is better than the pain which
Drove me to self harm.
This deadness of mind
This painless numbness.
My body stumbles along,
I drag it from day to day.
Wearily along the road,
And people see my sad face
And wonder.
I no longer stand out from them.
My heart has been broken like theirs.
My mind has been polluted as theirs.
My emotions deadened by addictions - as theirs.
Yet this I curse in myself which I cannot lay at them.
I knew the Light. And they have not.
Tuesday, September 07, 2010
Unrhythmed Heartflow
I wish people could see me as I am.
Not what they see as me, but what I see as me.
For I know me better than anyone else, and my eyes paint a truer colour.
They say they see me with God's eyes, but I see faultiness in their thinking.
So how can I believe that humanity sees me with God's eyes?
Some people meet me and judge me by what they see.
How many people can see there is more than one facet to my soul?
I am not just the jovial, fun loving girl.
Nor am I the sober, serious, intelligent student.
I am not a bright, polished, admirable jewel of a woman of God.
The girl who opens the deep anguish of her soul to the few that love me, is not just me.
I am more than this. I am these put together, intertwined, with people seeing more of one particular side than any other.
I can be wistful, entertaining, educational, intellectual, bright and dark at a whim.
I can be cynical, sarcastic, dark and bitter, moments after being light hearted, sparkling and vivacious.
Why do people say I am wonderful? Worthful? Amazing? Awesome?
Why can't they see what I see in me?
Gutter dirt. Dragged through the darkness and in sin of my own choosing.
I look at the bright gleam shining above my head, what I once was, and shudder, turning away.
I hate myself for becoming what I despise, stooping to what I loathed, and doing it willingly.
I cannot forgive myself for what I have done. Days can go by and I live on the froth of the moment, never daring to turn my eyes to the howling beast that crawls within.
For if I turn my eyes and contemplate for one moment longer with consciousness, and not just explore on the surface, the corrupted being I am now, then my face would be soaked with tears I would be powerless to stop.
And I cannot afford that. Not here. Not now.
I cannot stoop to showing the me that is to the people around me.
I am afraid of their pity, afraid of their dislike, afraid of their acceptance.
I long to fight this out and free myself of the fear and the hatred and the passion within. But I cannot let the tears flow. I fight them daily.
I fear my family, none of who know what I have been through completely.
But when the lightning of my deepest sin flashes vividly like a searing fire on my memory, I groan at the deep agony and at what my sin has cost me; I flinch back and roll from side to side at night, trying to flee the demons pursuing me with evil laughter.
I am forced to look at what I have done.
And I look at other things. At what I can do to get away from this agonising emotional anguish. This daily torment.
I cannot drink. I will not take drugs. I am frightened that if I try to dull the pain, I will not be able to stop, and will wreck my physical life as well as my emotional. That will not help.
The knife's blade is sharp...areas of flesh unexposed could be brought under the sharp edge for a momentary relief in a moment of physical agony. But I've been told it's only short. What would be the point?
Life is sacred to my God. I dare not take what is not mine, more than I have already in other areas. And it would not be the end. It is a coward's way, not to face the pain, even though that is happening anyway. And then to see my God's aweful face in condemning judgment...I shrink back in horror.
Could one flirtation have started this God-forsaken track? It has...uncontrolled...unforgiven...unrepentance...agony.
The way is so dark. What have I become?
I turn from friend to friend, taking sympathy, love, hugs, support.
I must, to help me through this darkness, or else I would stoop to the blade, the wine.
Yet I loathe the dependence I have brought on myself. I, who was there for so many, now must crawl at the feet of others, begging for understanding, wanting to feel a love which is so far away...that none of them can give...
Wanting permanent support and love from someone, yet afraid that I can never be what I need to be to deserve that.
Wanting to be someone's closest friend to try and prove that I won't let them down...but I have already betrayed that.
Pushing for people to become close to me, so that I feel needed to have a purpose to live, day to day to day, instead of dragging this shell, so lifeless inside, up and on to face another morning. And they pull away, to live their own lives.
So I go on, still searching. For the support that I cannot constantly have. For the love I desperately want and cannot have.
Must I go back to the God in Whose face I have spat, Whose wounds I have contemptuously spurned, Whose agony I have despised?
Oh, my God! Do not send me back to Thee! I have turned away too far...down to the darkness, the darkness...oh God! Don't send me back there!
Then where am I to go? Caught in the middle of the blazing light which burns searing heat into my heart and the clammy darkness, which reaches out with cold despair in its fingers, pulling, tugging at my flesh...
My hands at my head, clutching my brow. Tears tearing at me inside I refuse to shed, through fear. Fear, fear, fear. My life is ruled by fear. Fear of what I am. Fear of rejection. Fear of myself. Fear of fear.
Rejection because of my fear, or fear because of rejection by so many...hatred...confusion...misery. What will it take to come back to where I was?
God, speak to my heart and overcome me. For I know not what will happen to me now.
My hand reaches to lay hold of the knife. Will Your voice speak to arrest my soul?
Was this a poem?
I do not know.
The unrhythmed flow of my heart
Spoke out into words which in my blackest time and deepest sorrow
I cannot frame into rhyme.
God be with you all.
~ Jane
Not what they see as me, but what I see as me.
For I know me better than anyone else, and my eyes paint a truer colour.
They say they see me with God's eyes, but I see faultiness in their thinking.
So how can I believe that humanity sees me with God's eyes?
Some people meet me and judge me by what they see.
How many people can see there is more than one facet to my soul?
I am not just the jovial, fun loving girl.
Nor am I the sober, serious, intelligent student.
I am not a bright, polished, admirable jewel of a woman of God.
The girl who opens the deep anguish of her soul to the few that love me, is not just me.
I am more than this. I am these put together, intertwined, with people seeing more of one particular side than any other.
I can be wistful, entertaining, educational, intellectual, bright and dark at a whim.
I can be cynical, sarcastic, dark and bitter, moments after being light hearted, sparkling and vivacious.
Why do people say I am wonderful? Worthful? Amazing? Awesome?
Why can't they see what I see in me?
Gutter dirt. Dragged through the darkness and in sin of my own choosing.
I look at the bright gleam shining above my head, what I once was, and shudder, turning away.
I hate myself for becoming what I despise, stooping to what I loathed, and doing it willingly.
I cannot forgive myself for what I have done. Days can go by and I live on the froth of the moment, never daring to turn my eyes to the howling beast that crawls within.
For if I turn my eyes and contemplate for one moment longer with consciousness, and not just explore on the surface, the corrupted being I am now, then my face would be soaked with tears I would be powerless to stop.
And I cannot afford that. Not here. Not now.
I cannot stoop to showing the me that is to the people around me.
I am afraid of their pity, afraid of their dislike, afraid of their acceptance.
I long to fight this out and free myself of the fear and the hatred and the passion within. But I cannot let the tears flow. I fight them daily.
I fear my family, none of who know what I have been through completely.
But when the lightning of my deepest sin flashes vividly like a searing fire on my memory, I groan at the deep agony and at what my sin has cost me; I flinch back and roll from side to side at night, trying to flee the demons pursuing me with evil laughter.
I am forced to look at what I have done.
And I look at other things. At what I can do to get away from this agonising emotional anguish. This daily torment.
I cannot drink. I will not take drugs. I am frightened that if I try to dull the pain, I will not be able to stop, and will wreck my physical life as well as my emotional. That will not help.
The knife's blade is sharp...areas of flesh unexposed could be brought under the sharp edge for a momentary relief in a moment of physical agony. But I've been told it's only short. What would be the point?
Life is sacred to my God. I dare not take what is not mine, more than I have already in other areas. And it would not be the end. It is a coward's way, not to face the pain, even though that is happening anyway. And then to see my God's aweful face in condemning judgment...I shrink back in horror.
Could one flirtation have started this God-forsaken track? It has...uncontrolled...unforgiven...unrepentance...agony.
The way is so dark. What have I become?
I turn from friend to friend, taking sympathy, love, hugs, support.
I must, to help me through this darkness, or else I would stoop to the blade, the wine.
Yet I loathe the dependence I have brought on myself. I, who was there for so many, now must crawl at the feet of others, begging for understanding, wanting to feel a love which is so far away...that none of them can give...
Wanting permanent support and love from someone, yet afraid that I can never be what I need to be to deserve that.
Wanting to be someone's closest friend to try and prove that I won't let them down...but I have already betrayed that.
Pushing for people to become close to me, so that I feel needed to have a purpose to live, day to day to day, instead of dragging this shell, so lifeless inside, up and on to face another morning. And they pull away, to live their own lives.
So I go on, still searching. For the support that I cannot constantly have. For the love I desperately want and cannot have.
Must I go back to the God in Whose face I have spat, Whose wounds I have contemptuously spurned, Whose agony I have despised?
Oh, my God! Do not send me back to Thee! I have turned away too far...down to the darkness, the darkness...oh God! Don't send me back there!
Then where am I to go? Caught in the middle of the blazing light which burns searing heat into my heart and the clammy darkness, which reaches out with cold despair in its fingers, pulling, tugging at my flesh...
My hands at my head, clutching my brow. Tears tearing at me inside I refuse to shed, through fear. Fear, fear, fear. My life is ruled by fear. Fear of what I am. Fear of rejection. Fear of myself. Fear of fear.
Rejection because of my fear, or fear because of rejection by so many...hatred...confusion...misery. What will it take to come back to where I was?
God, speak to my heart and overcome me. For I know not what will happen to me now.
My hand reaches to lay hold of the knife. Will Your voice speak to arrest my soul?
Was this a poem?
I do not know.
The unrhythmed flow of my heart
Spoke out into words which in my blackest time and deepest sorrow
I cannot frame into rhyme.
God be with you all.
~ Jane
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Searching For Answers
I wrote this October '09, when the beliefs I had read and accepted about kissing and relationships before marriage were called into question. I realised I had accepted - and did not have any solid grounding.
Searching for Answers
Searching for answers - where lies the truth?
In the Scripture I search to discover no proof.
My heart is laid bare - the world stares me down
Where lie the answers? Will I lose my crown?
Where lie the answers? There is nothing to say
How I must live my life out from day to day.
All of my trials the Master went through -
How did He answer? What did He do?
I turn to the Bible - where do I find
How to react in this new modern life?
Kisses are cheapened - where is my heart?
Can I have hardened into playing the part?
Searching for answers - where lies the truth?
The God-man is perfect - no other will do.
So what is wrong - where draw we the line?
Is the slippery slope taking me in its stride?
Where are the answers? I'm searching for truth.
Fighting each point to uncover the proof.
I want to be God's - to serve Him alone.
Why fight I this battle so far from His throne?
Can He see the struggle so deep in my heart?
I'm human - not perfect, my Lord, as Thou art.
Forgive me all sin - oh show me the truth!
Before I fall from all help - beyond proof.
Searching for Answers
Searching for answers - where lies the truth?
In the Scripture I search to discover no proof.
My heart is laid bare - the world stares me down
Where lie the answers? Will I lose my crown?
Where lie the answers? There is nothing to say
How I must live my life out from day to day.
All of my trials the Master went through -
How did He answer? What did He do?
I turn to the Bible - where do I find
How to react in this new modern life?
Kisses are cheapened - where is my heart?
Can I have hardened into playing the part?
Searching for answers - where lies the truth?
The God-man is perfect - no other will do.
So what is wrong - where draw we the line?
Is the slippery slope taking me in its stride?
Where are the answers? I'm searching for truth.
Fighting each point to uncover the proof.
I want to be God's - to serve Him alone.
Why fight I this battle so far from His throne?
Can He see the struggle so deep in my heart?
I'm human - not perfect, my Lord, as Thou art.
Forgive me all sin - oh show me the truth!
Before I fall from all help - beyond proof.
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