Never The End

When you start, you never think
Of all the scars that it will leave.
With the blade across your skin,
You only think pain to relieve.
You never wanted to be addicted,
You thought of only living now,
While you survived, your heart was wounded
And Satan smiled and took a bow.

To cure your hurting heart, you turned
To the Father of Lies, not the Voice of Truth.
You don't want the Loser to win, but how
Is this winning when you're using him to beat him?

A scar on your arm, and a friend scrawls a verse
Joshua 1:9- Be strong and courageous.
You see it when you close your eyes,
Try to believe - but Truth's outrageous.
You wanted to be the person who's strong,
You wanted people to see that God's with you.
You wanted to live your life bold and a witness
You wanted to believe what God says is true.

You have a future, don't use past tense.
It's not wantED - it's WANT; with God, you can live.
You never lose everyone that you love.
You can never lose God; trust Him and believe.

No matter the lies you've been believing
Reach out behind the veil and grasp
The Hand of God, which has been bleeding
And waiting for this moment - at last.
It doesn't matter if you can't see
Beyond the mist of pain and doubt
God holds the cloth He has been weaving
Learn to trust by loving out...

Learn to trust by loving out.


Written by Sian Garner-Jones
Inspired by and dedicated to Kristin Dodd

What?

The darkness is coming
The shadows are near
The sheer icy fingers
Gripping me are named Fear.
Depression and doubt
And guilt and dread,
And shame and sorrow
To me are wed.

They say there's Light
In the Power of the Son.
They say there's Peace
When the battle is won.
Am I on the side
Of winners to gain?
Am I with the losers
In the downpour of rain?

Head that is spinning
With talking double at once.
Heart that is torn
With family and love.
Friendships in battle
And fear in the soul.
Wondering when
The wounds will be whole.

Eyes that are sadness
Eyes that are bright
Eyes that shine love
In the shadow of night.
Eyes that are reading
The pain that they see.
A heart that wants to
Help it all to cease.

A life that is restless,
Feet forced on a path.
Trying to ease heartbreak
With more caused at last.
Total surrender
The peace turns to hurt...
The mind becomes dull...
Pain makes it too alert.

Confusion...torn hearts...
Friends most disappear.
Coming and going
Like shadows each year.
Guilt that haunts
Collapse that comes
God, when will it end?
I just want to go home.

Then they come, say I'm wrong.
Say I should focus on now.
"Please stop being selfish."
And you're not selfish - how?
"We'd miss you so much."
Oh really? That's great.
Don't cry at my funeral,
For then it's too late.

"Depression and despair
All words it leaks through.
I'm always still praying.
We'll get through this too."
Heard it so often.
Repeat it right now.
And I'll laugh to scorn
At the millionth vow.

So God...You're still here.
I dance to Your call.
I walk through the silence...
Listen for Your footfall.
My heart rises at Your voice,
And dances in delight.
Thank You for being here
Making silence so bright.

Never alone.

Worth the Wait?

"Worth the Wait" by 33 Miles,
Playing clearly in my head.
Even as it starts to end,
And the final words are said.
Through the voice saying "Hold on"
Another whispers, "Is it worth the wait?"
A path more easy lies before,
And it holds wide the gate.

Bypath Meadow's always easy,
And grass is greener on the other side,
And the softer path's at hand to travel.
Can the steadfast voice have lied?
Can it ever be worth the wait?
Is it enough to keep believing?
Is God's timing never late?
Will He my cries be always receiving?

Trying to walk a double path,
The split will split yourself in two.
Following God or the easy way,
What you know - or know naught but God's Truth?
The heart is sore and overcharged
About to split itself with grief.
He came to share our burdens...
To lift up the fallen and weak.

Blindly clinging to His Hand,
The promise He's given is true.
Praying He'll help me out of the mess,
And start once more anew.
Focused on the path that's hard
And stony, all rugged, uphill.
Not blinded by the green bypath,
Only hearing His "Peace, be still."

"Be still, and know that I am God.
Trust, I will bring to pass.
Faithful I am to My promises,
Keep going, none of this will last.
I'm testing you through the Refiner's fire,
To make you in My image each day.
Don't give up and follow the easier road,
You'll miss all the blessings along the way."

So I sigh and resigned, I open my eyes,
And look around, waiting to hear.
And once more, "It's Worth the Wait"
Starts sounding in my ears.
Suddenly I'm aware I can go on no more,
I'm done and my strength is all through.
But there's something inside that won't give up -
It's Him - He's breaking through.

I want to give up, for an easier path,
But the hardcore of God won't give in.
Crucify self to the cross of His love,
And purging our flesh of the sin.
Shaping us, changing us, through each mortal step,
Though there's terrible pain on the way,
Through each of the choices we make in our lives,
"Oh Lord, You know. Have Your own way."


Right now I want to give up so badly. Give up and go the easier road. But just as I let go and tell God, I can't do it any more, I realise there's something else that isn't letting go - as before. Over, and over. It's the Hand of God, holding me to the promise I made. Changing me through it and in it and because of it over and over. And suddenly, I'm aware of His presence. And I know I'm carrying on - because I can't. But He can.

Sinner's Despair

A tearless sorrow too deep for words,
A sin repeated - can her cry be heard?
Repent and repeat
By her wayward feet.
Head hanging low, she turns away,
Can there be forgiveness for her today?

It's been offered so often before,
She accepted, then went and sinned some more.
All words, broken vows,
Pledge once more, she trow.
Head hanging low, she turns away.
Forgiveness abused. Any more today?

Numbly blank and easily angered,
How easy when fallen again more to err.
Dejection, despair,
Once again turn to prayer?
Head hanging low, at the foot of the Cross,
She falls - can she weep? For His and her loss.

Falling

Darkness is falling.
Evil thickens around
Dragging me back from whence I came.

Slowly but surely,
Every step is halted.
And I start to slide backwards.

Looking up, I see
The Light and where
I have gone from and where I'm now.

Opening my mouth.
I scream from my heart -
Oh GOD, NOT AGAIN! SAVE ME! I CAN'T!

Breaking

I think it's a state of mental exhaustion.
Or is it depression?
No time for recession.
Life's going mad like a dog at my heels.
No time to feel
And let it heal.

I want the comfort I know secure again
Numbness through pain
Ignore the stains.
Knowing that each time brings a scar,
I'm fighting hard.
Can I win this far?

Suddenly I see through everyone's eyes
The way that I
Appear without disguise.
The disgust in their hearts I comprehend,
When will it end?
I can't bend.

I don't know what to love or hate
In this mental state,
Locking my gates.
Who to keep out or to let in,
Fighting within.
I can't win.

Comfort I know I cannot seek,
I am so weak,
The sky's so bleak.
Anything around that I can use?
It's not abuse...
I've blown a fuse.

Door slammed open, voices snap,
I crumble back,
Reach for the comfort zap.
Holding it, I tremble and wish
I could deal with this,
With no cowardice.

Never Again!

No! No! Never again!
Never will I choose
To carry that shame.
No! No! Never again!
I'm sick of the victim
And of fearing the pain.

I don't care what You do,
To reform me, refine me
And shape me like You.
I want to be strong
To carry the hurt,
And flee from the wrong.

The trials You give me
Are designed to test
And to make me like Thee.
The ones I lead myself to
Will twist and corrupt me
Lead me far from You.

I'm tired of wasting my words,
Of promises broken,
Of causing such hurt.
God, I want to be sure
I won't do this again.
Provide me the cure!

Cleanse my evil heart within,
Wash me and purge me
Cleanse me from my sin.
No! No! Never again!
Make me run from temptation,
Your life to regain.

I hate it when people look and see
A sintwisted, perverted
And filth covered me.
Lord, make it so that they will find
Me broken and crushed
With You possessing my mind.

Some may call me crazy,
I laugh in wonderment,
You never saw my past so hazy.
God, take my hand and don't let me flee
Back to the "easy" path,
Ending in separation from Thee!

Alone, But Not Alone

Alone, but not alone.
Even while my heart is aching,
I will trust in You.

Alone, but not alone.
Even though the storm is breaking,
I will trust in You.

Alone, but not alone.
While my tears are falling,
I will trust in You.

Alone, but not alone.
In the dark, I hear You calling.
I will trust in You.

Alone, but not alone.
My eyes weep tears of blood.
I will trust in You.

Alone, but not alone.
You wrap me in Your love.
I will trust in You.

Oh God, I'm all alone,
But in You, I'm not alone.
Help me to trust in You.

It's Like A Dream

It’s like a dream.
I stand open mouthed, watching myself
In awestruck horror. How can I stoop
To letting them use me this way again?

It’s like a dream.
Part of me retreats into myself.
What excuse can I have this time
To explain what has gone on?

It’s like a dream.
A reality dream to crush a dream,
Not believing that the dream I want
Most to live won’t die.

It’s like a dream.
Allowing them to laugh and jeer
To look me over like an object
Treating me as no more than a harlot.

It’s like a dream.
A repeated nightmare ever living
Why am I allowing the name of God
In His daughter to be defamed?

It’s like a dream.
To save His name I deny Him.
How much more traitorous and
A worthless wretch can I be?

It’s like a dream.
I know He can forgive me
And I know He still loves me,
But I don’t feel worthy of it.

It’s like a dream.
Shaking with fear, I think
Of the man I love whom also
I have betrayed by allowing this.

It’s like a dream.
I fear his response,
I fear his kindness, love and pity.
I am afraid of him.

It’s like a dream.
I did this to hurt myself
So badly that I would cease dreaming
Because I fear that dream won’t live.

It’s like a dream.
I can’t believe this is me
That is doing this action replay.
Gutter rat, crawling back.

It’s like a dream.
A horrid nightmare.
I daren’t embrace the other
And maybe that’s why.

It’s like a dream.
And I’m going to turn
My back on it and reach
Out for the one I want to live.

It’s like a dream.
And one I will try to forget
And pray to God that someday
I can live my true dream.

It’s like a dream.
And if so, it will end.

Fire! Fire!

Iridescent flame, burning brightly through the night
Of the darkness I've reentered, turning me from the Light.
Its multi, gaudy colours call the wild beast in my soul.
Its weirdly flaunting, luminous flame pulls me from the Goal.

Irresistable flame, burning near to me then far,
Like a will-o'-the-wisp, or an unattainable star.
Tell me why we fly at a beckon to lusts we never fulfill,
When all that we desire is achievable in His Will.

Incandescent flame, that sets me on fire inside,
Calling out my lusts and sins, my passions, fear and pride.
Reaching out my hand to grasp, I feel it singe my skin,
And watch what I've loved all my life fall to ashes within.

Illuminating flame, showing sins that grieve my God;
Ignoring the pain we cause Him, eager for the world's nod.
Chasing the glittering tinsel, reaching for baubles instead of gold,
Years later we realise all of the loss of the priceless thing we sold.

Inglorious flame, still burning, still calling me away.
Ignomious glory for which I sold my soul today.
Snatched before it's in my grasp, I fall flat on my face in quicksand,
Surrounded by the laughs and jeers of those who encouraged me onto this ground.

Brilliant Light, still shining, so high and far above,
Still looking down with pity and everlasting love.
Can You forgive and take back a gutter rat such as I?
I'm dying to give it all to You, and watch that flame flicker and die.

Burning Light in anger, consuming up the flame.
Showing me how worthless was its dancing and its shame.
As Moses standing before the bush, I stand, thinking how odd...
I reach out to the nondestroying consumer, and touch the Hand of God.

Give Up Hope

Give - up - hope!
I can't yet do it.
Give - up - hope!
We're not yet through it.
Give - up - hope!
Start seeing the unseen.
Give - up - hope!
Live out your life's dream.

Give - up - hope!
The echo in my head.
Give - up - hope!
And if I do, I'm dead.
Give - up - hope!
I need to dream to see
If I give - up - hope!
I lose faith in eternity.

Give - up - hope!
Just take your lies away.
Give - up - hope!
Somewhere's a better day.
Give - up - hope!
There is still a tomorrow.
Give - up - hope!
Please God, with joy for sorrow.

Give - up - hope!
Give up life as you know it.
Give - up - hope!
There's light beyond this small bit.
Give - up - hope!
I must have faith in God.
Give - up - hope!
Struggle on 'gainst all odds.

Give - up - hope!
Never shall I again.
Give - up - hope!
Life flowing with the rain.
Give - up - hope!
So little to keep me going.
Give - up - hope!
Hope is faith, not knowing.

Give - up - hope!
I can no longer cope.

With Last Christmas Pounding...

Fighting a battle and a war is raging,
A battle for my soul is staging,
Trying to run, trying to flee,
Trying to come back and find the true me.
I can't find me until I've found God.
Yet I never listen - isn't that odd?
Stubborn, don't learn from my past mistakes,
Beating my own course with whatever it takes.
Driving on through pain and fear,
Causing more each passing year.
So much of my life has been wasted;
Who would care if I finished up and take it?
I know now what a fool I've been,
The path is closed, I can't go back again.
Stretching out hands in misery,
As I cut off those who would help me.
Blind, destroyed, lost and confused,
The darkness leaving my soul bemused.
Is it them that go or me that leaves?
The circumstances trigger the memories.
Fleeing and running, I still carry on,
Trying to return, living a time bomb.
Waiting for the explosion beneath,
And who's gonna be there to catch me, to catch me...

Chorus:

It's Jesus, He is always there.
It's Jesus, within sound of a prayer.
Jesus is waiting to take you in His arms,
With those blood soaked hands that you fought so hard.
It's Jesus Who turns your darkness to light,
It's Jesus Who reaches into your night.
It's Jesus you're fighting so hard to flee,
It's Jesus Who still loves, still loves me...

It's Jesus Who has taken your life's explosion.
It's Jesus Who saved your soul from it's implosion.
It's Jesus Who with breaking heart,
Reaches out to heal and give you a new start.
Why am I running so hard away...
I claim to want one thing, but my actions say
That I'm pushing You out with everything I am.
I can't take the pressure and down more slams.
I push to see how much they care
They can't take it and go somewhere.
So I shove away those that would betray me,
Including those that still love me.
Hiding, running from the deathly pain.
The feelings all dry and I can't feel again.
Amazing how I can't control those walls -
The pain so deadly, I killed it all.
Didn't mean to kill all love through as well,
But to love again would invite pain like hell.
Battering down pain as friends leave like snow,
Love joy and trust so quickly go.
In this whirl of emotion, I find I've lost
My Christ-centred goal, at a terrible cost.
Where am I going? My God, can You see
Can You even now reach me?

Lost

Curled up
Hiding from
You.

Watching them
A family tableau,
Hurting.

Wondering why
Nothing changes.
Fixed.

Wondering why
It all hurts
So bad.

All alone
By choice
Aching.

Wanting change
Uncertain how
Left.

All friends,
Giving up,
Hopeless.

Curling up,
Turn away.
Lost.

Divorce

Sitting here watching your face,
Watching you fight back the tears
As you hold your baby and your heart
Hidden close from your friends.

Aching for the pain you experience
So broken and smashed up from past relationships.
Trying to trust the man you love
Who is worthless and self centred.

Watching you look adoringly at your baby,
Through the agony you suffer inside.
Trying to make the right decisions for her -
Suffering emotional abuse.

She will go through this too...
You will suffer so much watching her suffer.
Go now, free yourself from the chains...
Or watch your baby grow up as scarred as you.

Emotions aren't everything, darling...
Let it go. It's not just you now...
Set your heart free...
And learn to heal.

Pain

Hurt me.
I don't care what you do,
But hurt me.
I rip back the skin, exposing my heart to your touch.

Lash me.
Snap back your whip and cut,
Deeply embedding it into my heart.
I can no longer stand the pain I am enduring.

A tiny burn
Hurts far, far more than a third degree.
Burn me deeply,
Cauterise this bleeding hole so that it hurts no more.

Cut me.
Crush my heart and smash it,
Break me down.
Level me to the ground and drag me through the dirt.

Speak cruelly.
Don't stay by me any more.
Go away.
Cut the cord and free me from my lasting pain.

Can't you see?
You say you want to help me.
Then help me.
By stabbing me so deeply this pain will hurt no longer.

Broken Relationship

Stop crowding me; stop pretending you care.
It's been way too long since you left me...
I know he needed all your love and attention.
I knew it and have known all along
That he needs way more than me.
I'm sorry I snapped under the strain and tension.
I'm sorry I gave way and added to your depression.
But I couldn't cope, with my own sorrow
And I couldn't reach you. You tuned me out.

I know why you didn't want me too close.
You'd been hurt by the guy who should've cared
Who should've loved you and held you
Guarded and lead your heart the way you needed.
Who should've been sensitive to your needs
And opened to God's direction to heal your marriage.
You are afraid of anyone coming close,
Knowing your sorrow and pain deeply again.
You're afraid to trust, afraid to be open to be hurt.

I understand so much. My sister and I...we're so much like you.
We're all three of us sensitive and emotional beings
Trying to be strong, fighting to get through life.
I denied I was like you so long, and even now
I like to think at times that I'm more hard than both of you.
I hope so; I hope I've learned the lessons from both of you
And spare myself from the same kind of pain.
Although in a strange way, I'm going through it myself...
And doing exactly what you did - I'm pulling away.

You hit me where it hurt without mercy.
I pulled back from you, and then of course - he took your attention.
He needed it - I've never argued that. Just sometimes
When it seemed like I needed and tried to reach out to you,
You were so distant, always thinking about him.
I pulled back, back to my friends...and got hurt by them.
But you aren't there...you weren't there.
Even now, when I try to share my interests and joys with you,
You always find something to criticise and condemn.

There's caution and there's a complete putting-down.
Why can't we find a level between the two?
Why don't we share any common interests, and why
Can't we enjoy the differences between our common interests
And encourage each other in them? After all, I don't condemn
Your interest and I do try to fake some kind
Of sharing pleasure in what interests you. But you're
Rarely willing to try and find something in mine without condemning.

Sometimes I can sense the desperate frustration as we
Try to find a way to communicate with all our barriers.
You want to reach me, and I want to reach you.
But we can't reach out through our mutual pain.
I daren't share my secret life with you - for you've condemned
And hurt me way too often before. I'm not willing
To be open to that kind of pain again. Can't you see?
You're built exactly the same way as me. We're the same!
We both - can't - face that pain again!

But right now, please...you can't force me to come back.
You pushed me away when I needed you most. And now
I need them. And they need me. Can't you see that?
We all have pain - and I can't help you. They can't help
What they do to try and ease that pain. How would you react
If you knew I'd done exactly the same? If you kick me
Away from them now, you will destroy the one thing that's left
That holds me to some level of humanity, to some softness.
I am so afraid of having to decide my life's fate right now.

But you're going to push me to it if you take away
My friends, the only ones who know me and still love me.
Who criticise and don't try to do it to hurt me,
Don't take them away. Or you'll push me even further.
Mom, listen to my heart by looking at your own.
I'm sorry things are like this. I'm so, so sorry.
And I know - I can never, never tell you how much
That God is using these friendships to help me,
Because I can never reveal my true self.

Stop trying to take them away.
Stop trying to force me to be what I cannot.
Stop trying to deal with me like you couldn't.
Try to understand.
Try to see me in you.
I'm so sorry it had to turn out like this.
I'm so sorry I turned out this way.
I'm sorry this can never be spoken aloud.
Oh Mom. I'd never dare to show you this.

Because we don't understand.

Auf Wiedersehn

Why am I writing something grand
So people will want to read?
After all, who cares of the heart
That's scratching for words while it bleeds?
Who cares of the struggle to find a rhyme
To make it poetic and pretty?
Who cares of the agony that lies beneath,
That creates a nice little ditty?

A poem of friendship, a sad little story
A heartbreak lies beneath.
Grow up, will you, and see a soul,
Of pain and distrust and grief.
Look at me and see my soul
It's crawling, waiting to be kicked.
Just look down and aim the blow.
It's the waiting makes me feel sick.

Oh, come on. This was coming long ago.
Just open your eyes and see.
That the sheer patheticness of life
Is a cause of agony.
Sure, we should sit back,
Take pleasure and passivity with pain.
I'm sorry; I can't go through that.
Surely you see I can't do it again.

I'm a bundle of emotions I don't understand.
Mistrust, agony and fear.
Of wanting to go where I don't want to go,
Of learning to stop shedding tears.
I want all the pain to stop; I don't care how,
It will hurt when I kick the door shut.
Will it hurt if I leave it open more, than
If I slam it now and lock it up?

Open your eyes, my soul is before you.
I'm tired of playing with words.
Hear me now as I speak my uncertainty,
In no uncertain terms.
Would you see why I must hurt myself and you
In a battle I'd rather not undergo?
After all, a friendship's replaceable.
Let's just wave goodbye and let go.

Let go, never to talk any more.
Let go, never to chat.
Let go, never to know how life goes.
Somehow that seems, oh, so flat.
The pain and mistrust and doubt
Is something I can't cope with right now.
Trying to pretend everything's all right,
Makes it even worse, somehow.

So knowing we're doing a good shot
In the long run; to make it right.
We really ought to make up our minds,
And with a shaky goodbye, wave goodnight.
It's easier for future, for past and for now,
To let go before we get bitter.
Goodbye, dear friend, God bless, au revior,
I run away before you see my tears glitter.

Autumn

The vibrant colours fade from the petals,
Brown holes grow as they start to die.
The golden leaves grow brown, then black;
Veins protrude as they wither and fly.
The trees release their heavy loads,
Lift their bare arms to the sky.
The earth looks barren, subdued and cold -
Its heart a reflection of mine.

Seasons come with sparkle and silence
Stealing a march to December.
Time and again, the summer is followed
By autumn to the year's cold embers.
Why does the spirit of man change so?
Why are we as fluctuating as weather?
Why does the first sign of grief or pain
Send us flying behind a shield of never?

Never again will I face this pain,
Never deal with it or learn to accept.
I know that if I don't take the pain
My growth will be stunted; my life a regret.
But I have dealt with induced pain before,
It took a year to heal the deep wound.
I can't take any more right now -
The scars from the last are too recent, too soon.

Sitting on the edge of the lake,
Watching the ripples on the surface,
Studying the intrinsicate beauty
Of leaves dancing a colourful race.
I remember that I have been saved
From a fate on earth worse than death.
But still hangs over my mind
The shining sharp blade; I catch my breath.

I'm trying the rock loud and heavy,
It's not working to ease the pain.
Oh no! God, please come and save me.
I can't stoop to that again.
The evil laughter from my past comes closer
Waves the image in front of my eyes.
"You went there; you can again,
Don't hide in a mock up of pride."

The wind rushes over my hair,
Blowing strands in front of my eyes.
A sunlight beam causes a glitter;
I look up in silent surprise.
I know God is standing there before me.
Somehow I didn't expect Him that near.
Nor did I think He'd come right now,
As I'm lost in my guilt and my fear.

I only have to look into His eyes,
So tender, so suffering in empathy.
And glance at the wounds in His hands and side...
And I can understand His agony.
He suffered in person and soul and mind
He went through all that He had to go,
To stop me from raising that glint edged knife
To prevent me from ever falling so low.

There's only the options of fighting my fear,
And stooping to torture myself once more.
But as soon as the chat screen opens out
Logic flees and emotions come rushing out raw.
I eye the knife and pursue the rock
And drench my pillow with tears at night.
There's only the options of block and delete,
Or suffering deeply and continuing to fight.

The autumn of friendship is waning fast,
The storm clouds roll rumbling overhead.
The gusts of wind strike the trembling leaves
Blowing them apart, into miniscule shreds.
The storms of life beat helplessly on
The one grounded solidly in the Rock of Christ.
I'm still insecure, still wandering back.
Still incapable of security, try as I might.

I know I should surrender my sorrow to Him,
My pain, my deep fear, my mistrust.
The autumn of friendship paces rapidly on,
The memories will soon fade to dust.
A close friendship can vanish and memories dim,
The person once so close become shadow,
This is the way I have chosen to go.
This is the way of tomorrow.

Starin' At a Solid Brick Wall

There's something good about a solid wall
Faintly patterned or blank and tall.
When you're sitting on the floor curled in a heap,
That wall just stands, doesn't make a peep.

Sitting with your arms wrapped tight around you,
Staring at the solidness that's quite blank too.
Feeling numb, while killing pain -
A pain that won't come back again.

I love staring at solid blank brick -
I want to get the walls of my heart that thick.
Tall, strong, powerful, it won't break.
Hopefully I'll learn to take the force that it takes.

A hurricane may come and smash the brick wall to dust.
I'll shrug and turn away from it; I'm not fussed.
I don't want a hard heart - I want it protected.
And surely my options can be selected.


"An' I just want for all of this to end." ~ Relient K

Buildin' Those Walls

Buildin' those walls that are well founded -
Deep dug, solid built and very well grounded.
My heart is the centre of the citadel.
And it won't surrender after the last shell.

Chorus:
Aching hearts,
Crying tears,
Subdue that pain
Crush those fears!

One good defence is sarcasm,
An even better wall is cynicism.
I'm hurting myself; I can feel the ache.
I'm gonna kill this with whatever it takes.

Runnin' from you, hiding from pain.
I'm gonna build up these walls again.
Nothing's gonna get through - love nor hate.
Only one solid wall, you won't find a gate.

I still wanna be your friend -
Just don't pry cause I won't bend.
Get underneath and I will run away.
I've had way too much betraying today.

Getting tough is the defence I've gotta build,
Life will be better when the gaps are filled.
They won't be filled, but they will be covered -
When all the pain is finally smothered.

Sure, I got a long way to reach this end,
But then you see, there won't be pain again.
It's a long run, but the best there's to be.
Go away, I'm fine from now, leave me.