Pain and Change

I feel so speechless
Yet the words
Are pouring through my head.
Finally the heart of the matter
Has been opened,
And I begin to see.

The fog is so thick
So blinding
Unclear and grey and hazy.
Put out my hands and fall.
Someone catches me
And helps me through the night.

It's like...a door...
With a key lost
Fumbling frantically to find it.
Like an oozing sore...
That I know the pain but
Cannot find the source.

Suddenly a cry to God
And He answers
In a flash, when least expected.
Flashes of truth
Pierce the darkness with shards
Of radiant hope and glorious light.

I start to comprehend
Little things that
Never made sense to me before.
Been coming for weeks
And only now
Can I understand the change coming.

The biggest since
I chose love
Over running away from it.
That's why the demons
Are fighting so hard
To stop me now. Because they know.

So does God
In Whom I trust.
So do those leading me.
I can't see. But I know
He won't let go.
Teach me Thy paths.

Purify. No matter the cost.

Symphony of Praise

As the tears drip down my face,
I stop to wonder at Your grace.
Message of hope come from a friend
When life's treadmill hits "never end".
Reminds me You're not done with me,
This waiting's not eternity.

I step out into the morning air,
With wondering eyes and breathe a prayer
Of thankful heart and sing Your praise,
At Your artistry through every day.
Each morning every cloud is new,
Colours fresh and breezes true.

As I whisper prayers and song,
"Be Thou my vision" as I walk along,
I feel my smallness and I smile
At Your nearness for a while.
Surrounded by Your glory close,
Peace unspeakable from You flows.

The broken flower in my path,
A laughable name in my daily track.
The excitement of home and coming online,
Being with family and friends for a time.
There's darkness and light, there's depression and praise,
Dwelling not on the storm, but on Heavenly rays.

Something's Coming.

I'm restless, bursting with energy,
A feeling I cannot contain.
I'm seeing the bigger picture,
In a clarity hereto yet ungained.
I sit on my bed and type,
With a room at my feet to complete -
And I know there's a world that is stirring,
With a power I have yet to meet.

I know the world out there is dark,
The lights of Christian faith burning dim.
But something out there is coming,
And I'm positive I'm burning for Him.
There's potential in so many people,
This generation is starving for more.
God has called us and set us alight,
If not to light the world, then what for?

I've been with the next generation.
The young people who sit at home
Go out to club or on a date,
Or play games and "BORED" they moan.
And been with another generation,
Young people called by God, set apart.
They have a purpose, a fire,
God, let what's coming, start!

There's an irradience, a beauty,
A passion we're dying to meet.
Oh God, what can it be
That's driving us to our feet?
We long and long to serve You,
To show Your glory and power.
But keep us waiting, Father,
Teach us patience til Your hour.

We have so much that's left to learn,
And will til eternity.
The passion, God, let it linger,
Fill our hearts with fire for Thee!
Teach us humble submission.
Teach us to love Your ways.
Remove ourselves entirely.
Then use us - to Your praise.

Day of Praise

Awaking with the morning sun,
Praise God for the day begun.
Absorb it, get a sunshiny face,
And praise Him for His mercy and grace.

Come before Him in prayer and praise,
Worship Him, awed and amazed.
Look for His mercies through the day,
Glorify Him in every way.

All you do, give glory to Him,
Whether your day is bright or dim.
No matter what you're going through,
God can use it to change you.

Attitude determines good or bad,
Even though the road is happy or sad.
Joy can be found through looking to Him -
Your blessings can be seen in EVERYTHING!

So praise your Maker, bless His Name!
Praise, extol and tell His fame.
Share of His mercies, truth and Light,
And thank Him as you sleep at night.

Thankfulness

As I wake up in the morning, atmosphere already stressed,
I finally rise to the morning sun - and realise how much I'm blessed.
As Joseph picks another fight, I'm tempted to despair;
So know I must drop to my knees and send an upward prayer.

When I see my mother's bruises, she took so he wouldn't hit me,
And I want to hurt myself for letting her be hurt so badly;
A wooden beam comes into mind, raised on Golgotha's hill -
The Christ Who died there for our sins, innocent, by free will.

When the voices raised and sharp cause me to shiver and shake,
It reminds me that the Lord's voice makes the earth to quake.
When I look around and see this house never to be ours,
I think that our body's temporary, and soon goes in fleeting hours.

The beauty of my own home sometimes grieves me bitterly,
So does the loss of the father who I may ne'er again see.
Beyond the clouds in ceaseless time is my eternal Home,
And God's my Heavenly Father, Who will never let me roam.

Inward pride of independence rises in my heart,
When people offer clothes and money to help us make a start.
When Jesus came unto this earth, He was homeless too,
And leaned on God to provide - and people, mostly, through.

Some entertain ministering angels - they're called friends today.
People who will stick by you, and help through the difficult way.
So many others point the finger, or are Job's comforters;
They cannot see the hand of God in trials - those poor doubters.

Blessed be the Name of God, Who gives and takes away;
Who can strip of all He gifts, but Himself will stay.
He can ease the burdens or increase to shape His will -
Each daily trial and testing only our flesh to kill.

If we will to will to God each day and every task,
He will make us weak so He can give strength when we ask.
The blessing's only found when in each great pain joy we find -
And thankfulness and praises unto God with willing mind.

Building Up

The pressure's increasing,
So many people closing in.
I feel like a rat in a corner.

They say they're concerned,
By surrounding me and intruding,
I'll push further away.

If you try to control me,
Just watch cause I'll break free
And run far away from you.

Keep on praying, that's the best
And don't pry into my life.
Trust God to work all out for the best.

Please, don't force your way.
Or I'll run away.
Let me try to mend, with God.

Stop doubting that He's at work.
I need your support, not pressure.
Give me another chance.

The Past's Future

As my eyes clear from the veil of tears,
And I look forward into the misty years,
Forcibly fading my memory
I gaze on the clouds of time and see
Dark shapes of shadows from my past
Dance grotesquely on the future's mask.
With horror, I stop and realise
Each past decision has shaped my life.

So many mistakes I can never put right,
So many choices that lead me to the night.
So many friends once so dear, and now gone,
So many heartbreaks instead of having none.
So many errors I cannot erase,
Dance on the future's mist as I gaze.

I shudder and shrink from taking each step,
As shadows surround me I'll never forget.
Try as I might each figure to delete,
Their ghastly fingers reach out, driving me to my feet.
Depart, oh past, and begone and forget
That ever I knew the shapes I beget.

I reach out blindly the Lord's Hand to take
As I step forward in the future I make.
The Light reflects eerily in the inky mist,
I struggle to see God's Hand is in this.
As relentlessly onwards we go,
The shadows of the past surround me from below.

I feel the ground shaky under my feet
As our paths part, never again to meet.
I stare blankly ahead as my life falls apart
Wonder how to heal and again to start.
My gaze focuses on the clouds; with horror,
I realise this choice will be forever tomorrow.

Hearts can bleed like this and survive - it is true.
I've watched it and done it; you know, so can you.
So keep on trusting Jesus, don't give in to despair;
You know He will hear your every prayer.
Yes, He can come in and heal your heart,
He'll ease the pain without removing the scar.

Keep on going, your choices for life in the past,
God can use for good in tomorrow, though they last
Forever and the scars won't go away,
But the pain will heal someday.
Keep your eyes on the Light, don't look at the clouds -
Move your gaze and your past will be your death's shroud.

Never Again!

No! No! Never again!
Never will I choose
To carry that shame.
No! No! Never again!
I'm sick of the victim
And of fearing the pain.

I don't care what You do,
To reform me, refine me
And shape me like You.
I want to be strong
To carry the hurt,
And flee from the wrong.

The trials You give me
Are designed to test
And to make me like Thee.
The ones I lead myself to
Will twist and corrupt me
Lead me far from You.

I'm tired of wasting my words,
Of promises broken,
Of causing such hurt.
God, I want to be sure
I won't do this again.
Provide me the cure!

Cleanse my evil heart within,
Wash me and purge me
Cleanse me from my sin.
No! No! Never again!
Make me run from temptation,
Your life to regain.

I hate it when people look and see
A sintwisted, perverted
And filth covered me.
Lord, make it so that they will find
Me broken and crushed
With You possessing my mind.

Some may call me crazy,
I laugh in wonderment,
You never saw my past so hazy.
God, take my hand and don't let me flee
Back to the "easy" path,
Ending in separation from Thee!

How Can You Love?

I look at my sin,
My guilt and my crime.
I look at Your glory
And wonderful shine.
I look at the purity
Radiate from Your face,
I see all Your mercy,
Wonder at Your grace.

I look at my dirt,
The shame and the fear,
I look at you and wish
You weren't quite so near.
You shine with reflected
Glory from above,
You radiate kindness
And infinite love.

I look at you and
The God that you serve,
I marvel at the wonder
Of love undeserved.
I look back at myself
To with wonder behold,
Cleansed with Christ's blood,
I'm shining as gold.

Words Cannot Tell

I wrote this at the Squadron. Seems to be the one place in real life I emotionally let go. A big thank you to 196 staff for their support right now.


The lines are irregular, but on due consideration I won't be changing it.


I want to write
And cannot find
The words to tell
What's in my mind.
How can I tell
The sobs that tear
Me inside out?
Emotions wear
My heart right down.
I cannot find
The words to say
What's in my mind.

Scrawl on paper,
Simple words
That cannot write
The way I hurt;
The feelings that
Compulsively
Drive me to try
And hurt me.

To alleviate
My emotional pain -
Physical hurt.
But what's to gain?
I want to take
From scars so deep;
The hurt inside
Forced me to weep.

Where can I take
My deepest grief?
Words are failing -
So's underneath.
The bottom of
My life fell through;
Where can I go -
And tell - who?
Lord, You reign,
High over all.
You see me
Whenever I fall.
Right now, bleeding
And trying to fight,
My God! Don't leave me
In this night!

To Thee, my Rock,
Alone, I cling.
Saviour, to Thee
My grief I bring.
Your Arms around me
Hold me near.
You quell my grief
And calm my fear.
Into Your Face
I look, and know
With love, You cause
This for me to grow.


In Christ Alone,
Soli Deo Gloria.

Jane Johnson,
March 24, 2011

Afraid

Waiting for you.
Fearing that
You won't come.

Quaking inside,
Fearing that
You will come.

Words bubbling up,
I can't share,
Sit and stare.

Wish I could
Open up.
Know you're there.

Afraid you'll come,
Afraid you won't.
Afraid you'll go.

Wish I could
Somehow tell
And you'd know.

The wistfulness
Need for forgiveness,
To know it's true.

To hold a hope,
We have tomorrow
Still brand new.

I Wonder

One has to wonder
How much you can miss
Someone so much,
Then confronted with this -
A silent conundrum
Nobody can solve.
A gap without bridge
But friendship undissolved.

In silence we listen,
We wait, watch and talk.
And I sit there wistful,
Watching like a hawk.
So utterly different
As mortals can be.
What on earth made us friends?
Why stay you with me?

Pained joy to see
Your presence is here.
Pain you're so far,
And joy you're so near.
There's no way I can draw
Us close; it can't be.
Feeling sickened, I pray
We don't drift out at sea.

I know there's an Author
Who holds the pen
Of life in His Hand,
Who knows why and when.
I know there's a Pilot
Of ships in roaring waves -
I know I've a God
Who is mighty to save!

So teach me to trust
In obedience and fear,
But of Who Thou art,
And not of Thou near.
Make my understanding
Accept all Thy will.
Help me love Thee always
In good and in ill.

I~Miss~You

Do you miss me? I miss you
And look into the sky bright blue,
Watch the clouds wisping above,
And wonder if you know I love.

Do you miss me? In my heart
I wonder if you feel apart;
Whether the longing in your soul
Wishes we were together and whole.

Do you miss me? A silent sigh
Escapes my lips and rises high.
God keep you safe, and may I soon
Know if you miss me; oh, grant this boon!

Written for Kay and Justin.

Half-Hearted Christianity

I'm sick of all this apathy,
In all the people around me;
Playing with money and jewellery,
Not heeding the warning and Word.

Look to see the Spirit's fire within,
Instead the candle flickers dim;
Frightened of the unknown burning that's Him:
Not heeding the warning and Word.

Tired of the half hearted worship given,
Wonder what it looks like to God in Heaven.
To fill the lack of fire, serving off emotion,
Not heeding the warning and Word.

The flame of God begins to burn,
As I am caused by His Spirit to turn.
Fire of God, cause us to discern
And hear the warning and Word.

God Who is Spirit and power and fire,
Cause my whole being to burn with desire
To serve Thee completely and step ever higher;
Heeding Your warnings, worship in truth,
Baptised with fire and hearing Your Word.

Jane Johnson,
26/2/11