Sinner's Despair

A tearless sorrow too deep for words,
A sin repeated - can her cry be heard?
Repent and repeat
By her wayward feet.
Head hanging low, she turns away,
Can there be forgiveness for her today?

It's been offered so often before,
She accepted, then went and sinned some more.
All words, broken vows,
Pledge once more, she trow.
Head hanging low, she turns away.
Forgiveness abused. Any more today?

Numbly blank and easily angered,
How easy when fallen again more to err.
Dejection, despair,
Once again turn to prayer?
Head hanging low, at the foot of the Cross,
She falls - can she weep? For His and her loss.

Something's Coming.

I'm restless, bursting with energy,
A feeling I cannot contain.
I'm seeing the bigger picture,
In a clarity hereto yet ungained.
I sit on my bed and type,
With a room at my feet to complete -
And I know there's a world that is stirring,
With a power I have yet to meet.

I know the world out there is dark,
The lights of Christian faith burning dim.
But something out there is coming,
And I'm positive I'm burning for Him.
There's potential in so many people,
This generation is starving for more.
God has called us and set us alight,
If not to light the world, then what for?

I've been with the next generation.
The young people who sit at home
Go out to club or on a date,
Or play games and "BORED" they moan.
And been with another generation,
Young people called by God, set apart.
They have a purpose, a fire,
God, let what's coming, start!

There's an irradience, a beauty,
A passion we're dying to meet.
Oh God, what can it be
That's driving us to our feet?
We long and long to serve You,
To show Your glory and power.
But keep us waiting, Father,
Teach us patience til Your hour.

We have so much that's left to learn,
And will til eternity.
The passion, God, let it linger,
Fill our hearts with fire for Thee!
Teach us humble submission.
Teach us to love Your ways.
Remove ourselves entirely.
Then use us - to Your praise.

Falling

Darkness is falling.
Evil thickens around
Dragging me back from whence I came.

Slowly but surely,
Every step is halted.
And I start to slide backwards.

Looking up, I see
The Light and where
I have gone from and where I'm now.

Opening my mouth.
I scream from my heart -
Oh GOD, NOT AGAIN! SAVE ME! I CAN'T!

Thankfulness

As I wake up in the morning, atmosphere already stressed,
I finally rise to the morning sun - and realise how much I'm blessed.
As Joseph picks another fight, I'm tempted to despair;
So know I must drop to my knees and send an upward prayer.

When I see my mother's bruises, she took so he wouldn't hit me,
And I want to hurt myself for letting her be hurt so badly;
A wooden beam comes into mind, raised on Golgotha's hill -
The Christ Who died there for our sins, innocent, by free will.

When the voices raised and sharp cause me to shiver and shake,
It reminds me that the Lord's voice makes the earth to quake.
When I look around and see this house never to be ours,
I think that our body's temporary, and soon goes in fleeting hours.

The beauty of my own home sometimes grieves me bitterly,
So does the loss of the father who I may ne'er again see.
Beyond the clouds in ceaseless time is my eternal Home,
And God's my Heavenly Father, Who will never let me roam.

Inward pride of independence rises in my heart,
When people offer clothes and money to help us make a start.
When Jesus came unto this earth, He was homeless too,
And leaned on God to provide - and people, mostly, through.

Some entertain ministering angels - they're called friends today.
People who will stick by you, and help through the difficult way.
So many others point the finger, or are Job's comforters;
They cannot see the hand of God in trials - those poor doubters.

Blessed be the Name of God, Who gives and takes away;
Who can strip of all He gifts, but Himself will stay.
He can ease the burdens or increase to shape His will -
Each daily trial and testing only our flesh to kill.

If we will to will to God each day and every task,
He will make us weak so He can give strength when we ask.
The blessing's only found when in each great pain joy we find -
And thankfulness and praises unto God with willing mind.

Building Up

The pressure's increasing,
So many people closing in.
I feel like a rat in a corner.

They say they're concerned,
By surrounding me and intruding,
I'll push further away.

If you try to control me,
Just watch cause I'll break free
And run far away from you.

Keep on praying, that's the best
And don't pry into my life.
Trust God to work all out for the best.

Please, don't force your way.
Or I'll run away.
Let me try to mend, with God.

Stop doubting that He's at work.
I need your support, not pressure.
Give me another chance.

The Past's Future

As my eyes clear from the veil of tears,
And I look forward into the misty years,
Forcibly fading my memory
I gaze on the clouds of time and see
Dark shapes of shadows from my past
Dance grotesquely on the future's mask.
With horror, I stop and realise
Each past decision has shaped my life.

So many mistakes I can never put right,
So many choices that lead me to the night.
So many friends once so dear, and now gone,
So many heartbreaks instead of having none.
So many errors I cannot erase,
Dance on the future's mist as I gaze.

I shudder and shrink from taking each step,
As shadows surround me I'll never forget.
Try as I might each figure to delete,
Their ghastly fingers reach out, driving me to my feet.
Depart, oh past, and begone and forget
That ever I knew the shapes I beget.

I reach out blindly the Lord's Hand to take
As I step forward in the future I make.
The Light reflects eerily in the inky mist,
I struggle to see God's Hand is in this.
As relentlessly onwards we go,
The shadows of the past surround me from below.

I feel the ground shaky under my feet
As our paths part, never again to meet.
I stare blankly ahead as my life falls apart
Wonder how to heal and again to start.
My gaze focuses on the clouds; with horror,
I realise this choice will be forever tomorrow.

Hearts can bleed like this and survive - it is true.
I've watched it and done it; you know, so can you.
So keep on trusting Jesus, don't give in to despair;
You know He will hear your every prayer.
Yes, He can come in and heal your heart,
He'll ease the pain without removing the scar.

Keep on going, your choices for life in the past,
God can use for good in tomorrow, though they last
Forever and the scars won't go away,
But the pain will heal someday.
Keep your eyes on the Light, don't look at the clouds -
Move your gaze and your past will be your death's shroud.

Never Again!

No! No! Never again!
Never will I choose
To carry that shame.
No! No! Never again!
I'm sick of the victim
And of fearing the pain.

I don't care what You do,
To reform me, refine me
And shape me like You.
I want to be strong
To carry the hurt,
And flee from the wrong.

The trials You give me
Are designed to test
And to make me like Thee.
The ones I lead myself to
Will twist and corrupt me
Lead me far from You.

I'm tired of wasting my words,
Of promises broken,
Of causing such hurt.
God, I want to be sure
I won't do this again.
Provide me the cure!

Cleanse my evil heart within,
Wash me and purge me
Cleanse me from my sin.
No! No! Never again!
Make me run from temptation,
Your life to regain.

I hate it when people look and see
A sintwisted, perverted
And filth covered me.
Lord, make it so that they will find
Me broken and crushed
With You possessing my mind.

Some may call me crazy,
I laugh in wonderment,
You never saw my past so hazy.
God, take my hand and don't let me flee
Back to the "easy" path,
Ending in separation from Thee!

Words Cannot Tell

I wrote this at the Squadron. Seems to be the one place in real life I emotionally let go. A big thank you to 196 staff for their support right now.


The lines are irregular, but on due consideration I won't be changing it.


I want to write
And cannot find
The words to tell
What's in my mind.
How can I tell
The sobs that tear
Me inside out?
Emotions wear
My heart right down.
I cannot find
The words to say
What's in my mind.

Scrawl on paper,
Simple words
That cannot write
The way I hurt;
The feelings that
Compulsively
Drive me to try
And hurt me.

To alleviate
My emotional pain -
Physical hurt.
But what's to gain?
I want to take
From scars so deep;
The hurt inside
Forced me to weep.

Where can I take
My deepest grief?
Words are failing -
So's underneath.
The bottom of
My life fell through;
Where can I go -
And tell - who?
Lord, You reign,
High over all.
You see me
Whenever I fall.
Right now, bleeding
And trying to fight,
My God! Don't leave me
In this night!

To Thee, my Rock,
Alone, I cling.
Saviour, to Thee
My grief I bring.
Your Arms around me
Hold me near.
You quell my grief
And calm my fear.
Into Your Face
I look, and know
With love, You cause
This for me to grow.


In Christ Alone,
Soli Deo Gloria.

Jane Johnson,
March 24, 2011

Afraid

Waiting for you.
Fearing that
You won't come.

Quaking inside,
Fearing that
You will come.

Words bubbling up,
I can't share,
Sit and stare.

Wish I could
Open up.
Know you're there.

Afraid you'll come,
Afraid you won't.
Afraid you'll go.

Wish I could
Somehow tell
And you'd know.

The wistfulness
Need for forgiveness,
To know it's true.

To hold a hope,
We have tomorrow
Still brand new.

Another Day

Have you any idea what lies ahead,
Why I don't want to get out of bed?
Not being lazy - I can't face
Another day.

Go to sleep completely drained
Every nerve and faculty strained.
Wake up tense, the same, to
Another day.

Running in circles and trying to do
Things I can't concentrate on around you.
Exhausted and weary, I've failed
Another day.

You ask me why I just don't care,
You scream, and I can't open and share.
Helpless words you cannot hear -
Another day.

Completely broken and trying to heal,
So many different emotions we feel -
An explosive combination.
Another day.

Wake up to the screaming, and crying
Remember last night's bitter fighting.
You wonder why you must live
Another day.

Part of the tension is trying to shield
From caustic words so you don't yield.
No good with it, I don't want
Another day.

So don't come and try to comfort me.
Don't demand to know so cheerily.
Stop pretending you know about
Another day.

I look into the future and I behold
A wondrous beam, its glory untold.
Throughout the darkness, not at the end of
Another day.

It is God with Whom I sleep and wake,
To Whom I every sorrow take.
He sees my tears when I sleep before
Another day.

Softly He takes my hand in His;
Shields and protects and blesses me with
A future hope and love in
Another day.

He strengthens me with the promise of better,
He shelters me in the stormy weather.
My Anchor holds; I face
Another day.

As I enter the battles bitter,
The Light holds steady and does not flicker.
I hurt, but hold onto the peace in
Another day.

I Wonder

One has to wonder
How much you can miss
Someone so much,
Then confronted with this -
A silent conundrum
Nobody can solve.
A gap without bridge
But friendship undissolved.

In silence we listen,
We wait, watch and talk.
And I sit there wistful,
Watching like a hawk.
So utterly different
As mortals can be.
What on earth made us friends?
Why stay you with me?

Pained joy to see
Your presence is here.
Pain you're so far,
And joy you're so near.
There's no way I can draw
Us close; it can't be.
Feeling sickened, I pray
We don't drift out at sea.

I know there's an Author
Who holds the pen
Of life in His Hand,
Who knows why and when.
I know there's a Pilot
Of ships in roaring waves -
I know I've a God
Who is mighty to save!

So teach me to trust
In obedience and fear,
But of Who Thou art,
And not of Thou near.
Make my understanding
Accept all Thy will.
Help me love Thee always
In good and in ill.

I~Miss~You

Do you miss me? I miss you
And look into the sky bright blue,
Watch the clouds wisping above,
And wonder if you know I love.

Do you miss me? In my heart
I wonder if you feel apart;
Whether the longing in your soul
Wishes we were together and whole.

Do you miss me? A silent sigh
Escapes my lips and rises high.
God keep you safe, and may I soon
Know if you miss me; oh, grant this boon!

Written for Kay and Justin.

Alone, But Not Alone

Alone, but not alone.
Even while my heart is aching,
I will trust in You.

Alone, but not alone.
Even though the storm is breaking,
I will trust in You.

Alone, but not alone.
While my tears are falling,
I will trust in You.

Alone, but not alone.
In the dark, I hear You calling.
I will trust in You.

Alone, but not alone.
My eyes weep tears of blood.
I will trust in You.

Alone, but not alone.
You wrap me in Your love.
I will trust in You.

Oh God, I'm all alone,
But in You, I'm not alone.
Help me to trust in You.

From the Heights to the Depths to Grace - Part One

She stood there,
Listening to everything they said.
The doubts they cast on
Everything she'd fought for the past two years.

In a matter of hours,
The emotional purity had gone, along
With the desire for physical.
They said it didn't matter that he wasn't saved.

She was weak,
She gave in because she wanted
To love him and she never
Realised the power of the emotions she was loosing.

Five months later
Saw a girl who was smashed.
She only thought that
She was having an innocent flirtation.

She gave away
The heart she should have kept
For the man God had
In store for her to give her heart to someday.

Emotions destroyed,
Self worth completely gone.
If only she was beautiful,
She believed she could've kept him from leaving.

She cried,
Day after day and night upon night.
She gave it to God,
And took it back, time and time again.

She never noticed,
That true love was there all the time.
Love that loved her,
Loved her just the way she was - crushed and bleeding.

She never thought
She was of any worth again,
So she pushed it away,
But it wouldn't leave her in her brokenness.

God held out
His offer of love still and pardon.
And He put people around
To love and hold her and tell her - He isn't done
With her yet.

Dawning Hope

I have some strange old feelings
That tangled up, sent me reeling.
Under a new blow that I didn't foresee -
But now I know He's holding me.

Chorus:

And He whispers, Peace, be still.
When you're living in My Will,
You have nothing to fear,
My Arms are holding you near.

Though the clouds will come to shake me,
I know that they won't break me.
Cause He's put my feet on the Rock -
Himself; to me He holds the lock.

I'm guarded safe in His Hand.
No matter what dreams tumble down.
I can't believe He's let me hope -
If I were alone, I couldn't cope.

Sudden rainbows in the flood
Sunshine reflects in pools of mud.
Wild joy, unbelieving fear
Hope and doubt fight fierce in here.

And no matter what the outcome is,
I know He holds my hand in His.
He will direct your path and mine,
And give us joy in love divine.

It's Like A Dream

It’s like a dream.
I stand open mouthed, watching myself
In awestruck horror. How can I stoop
To letting them use me this way again?

It’s like a dream.
Part of me retreats into myself.
What excuse can I have this time
To explain what has gone on?

It’s like a dream.
A reality dream to crush a dream,
Not believing that the dream I want
Most to live won’t die.

It’s like a dream.
Allowing them to laugh and jeer
To look me over like an object
Treating me as no more than a harlot.

It’s like a dream.
A repeated nightmare ever living
Why am I allowing the name of God
In His daughter to be defamed?

It’s like a dream.
To save His name I deny Him.
How much more traitorous and
A worthless wretch can I be?

It’s like a dream.
I know He can forgive me
And I know He still loves me,
But I don’t feel worthy of it.

It’s like a dream.
Shaking with fear, I think
Of the man I love whom also
I have betrayed by allowing this.

It’s like a dream.
I fear his response,
I fear his kindness, love and pity.
I am afraid of him.

It’s like a dream.
I did this to hurt myself
So badly that I would cease dreaming
Because I fear that dream won’t live.

It’s like a dream.
I can’t believe this is me
That is doing this action replay.
Gutter rat, crawling back.

It’s like a dream.
A horrid nightmare.
I daren’t embrace the other
And maybe that’s why.

It’s like a dream.
And I’m going to turn
My back on it and reach
Out for the one I want to live.

It’s like a dream.
And one I will try to forget
And pray to God that someday
I can live my true dream.

It’s like a dream.
And if so, it will end.

Fire! Fire!

Iridescent flame, burning brightly through the night
Of the darkness I've reentered, turning me from the Light.
Its multi, gaudy colours call the wild beast in my soul.
Its weirdly flaunting, luminous flame pulls me from the Goal.

Irresistable flame, burning near to me then far,
Like a will-o'-the-wisp, or an unattainable star.
Tell me why we fly at a beckon to lusts we never fulfill,
When all that we desire is achievable in His Will.

Incandescent flame, that sets me on fire inside,
Calling out my lusts and sins, my passions, fear and pride.
Reaching out my hand to grasp, I feel it singe my skin,
And watch what I've loved all my life fall to ashes within.

Illuminating flame, showing sins that grieve my God;
Ignoring the pain we cause Him, eager for the world's nod.
Chasing the glittering tinsel, reaching for baubles instead of gold,
Years later we realise all of the loss of the priceless thing we sold.

Inglorious flame, still burning, still calling me away.
Ignomious glory for which I sold my soul today.
Snatched before it's in my grasp, I fall flat on my face in quicksand,
Surrounded by the laughs and jeers of those who encouraged me onto this ground.

Brilliant Light, still shining, so high and far above,
Still looking down with pity and everlasting love.
Can You forgive and take back a gutter rat such as I?
I'm dying to give it all to You, and watch that flame flicker and die.

Burning Light in anger, consuming up the flame.
Showing me how worthless was its dancing and its shame.
As Moses standing before the bush, I stand, thinking how odd...
I reach out to the nondestroying consumer, and touch the Hand of God.

Give Up Hope

Give - up - hope!
I can't yet do it.
Give - up - hope!
We're not yet through it.
Give - up - hope!
Start seeing the unseen.
Give - up - hope!
Live out your life's dream.

Give - up - hope!
The echo in my head.
Give - up - hope!
And if I do, I'm dead.
Give - up - hope!
I need to dream to see
If I give - up - hope!
I lose faith in eternity.

Give - up - hope!
Just take your lies away.
Give - up - hope!
Somewhere's a better day.
Give - up - hope!
There is still a tomorrow.
Give - up - hope!
Please God, with joy for sorrow.

Give - up - hope!
Give up life as you know it.
Give - up - hope!
There's light beyond this small bit.
Give - up - hope!
I must have faith in God.
Give - up - hope!
Struggle on 'gainst all odds.

Give - up - hope!
Never shall I again.
Give - up - hope!
Life flowing with the rain.
Give - up - hope!
So little to keep me going.
Give - up - hope!
Hope is faith, not knowing.

Give - up - hope!
I can no longer cope.

With Last Christmas Pounding...

Fighting a battle and a war is raging,
A battle for my soul is staging,
Trying to run, trying to flee,
Trying to come back and find the true me.
I can't find me until I've found God.
Yet I never listen - isn't that odd?
Stubborn, don't learn from my past mistakes,
Beating my own course with whatever it takes.
Driving on through pain and fear,
Causing more each passing year.
So much of my life has been wasted;
Who would care if I finished up and take it?
I know now what a fool I've been,
The path is closed, I can't go back again.
Stretching out hands in misery,
As I cut off those who would help me.
Blind, destroyed, lost and confused,
The darkness leaving my soul bemused.
Is it them that go or me that leaves?
The circumstances trigger the memories.
Fleeing and running, I still carry on,
Trying to return, living a time bomb.
Waiting for the explosion beneath,
And who's gonna be there to catch me, to catch me...

Chorus:

It's Jesus, He is always there.
It's Jesus, within sound of a prayer.
Jesus is waiting to take you in His arms,
With those blood soaked hands that you fought so hard.
It's Jesus Who turns your darkness to light,
It's Jesus Who reaches into your night.
It's Jesus you're fighting so hard to flee,
It's Jesus Who still loves, still loves me...

It's Jesus Who has taken your life's explosion.
It's Jesus Who saved your soul from it's implosion.
It's Jesus Who with breaking heart,
Reaches out to heal and give you a new start.
Why am I running so hard away...
I claim to want one thing, but my actions say
That I'm pushing You out with everything I am.
I can't take the pressure and down more slams.
I push to see how much they care
They can't take it and go somewhere.
So I shove away those that would betray me,
Including those that still love me.
Hiding, running from the deathly pain.
The feelings all dry and I can't feel again.
Amazing how I can't control those walls -
The pain so deadly, I killed it all.
Didn't mean to kill all love through as well,
But to love again would invite pain like hell.
Battering down pain as friends leave like snow,
Love joy and trust so quickly go.
In this whirl of emotion, I find I've lost
My Christ-centred goal, at a terrible cost.
Where am I going? My God, can You see
Can You even now reach me?

Lost

Curled up
Hiding from
You.

Watching them
A family tableau,
Hurting.

Wondering why
Nothing changes.
Fixed.

Wondering why
It all hurts
So bad.

All alone
By choice
Aching.

Wanting change
Uncertain how
Left.

All friends,
Giving up,
Hopeless.

Curling up,
Turn away.
Lost.