Close of a Friendship

Was getting used to being alone.
The silent smile.
The shadows of people who were once there,
And now are not and never can be.
But I never realised I was
Still attached to the shadows,
And have to let go of the shadows
To let the light of a future come in.

But that means saying goodbye...
And somehow, one never thinks
Even after they're gone,
That they'll only come back to say
Goodbye.
People merge from two to one
From one to two
From old to new.

And people come, and people go
And then they wonder at my silent smile.
And wonder why, as they stop to dig a while,
Why they don't get anywhere.
Cause I know, as they will learn soon,
That the digging is going to happen,
And that they'll uncover something -
And end up trashing it and moving on.

There's something more beautiful
Always lying in the distance,
And people ruin what they have now
Just to grasp at what's coming.
It's funny, you see...
People don't understand me.
Because I silently watch and silently smile
And hide me away because they'll leave in a while.

Some folks will vanish,
Some people just leave.
Some never came,
Some promised they'd cleave.
Some said they'd stick
Every inch of the way,
And some people forget me
Back in yesterday.

However, I can take
The rude curious stare
The rough careless hands
That try and hold me then let go.
See, I've got a God Who's
More powerful than you.
What you drop, He catches,
And cares for, and loves, and holds.

Don't think I'm alone in the silence.
I'm not. I learned to find God there.
In the stillness is where you find Him.
Even in the worst, worst pain.
People don't understand. Can't. Run away. Hide.
He doesn't. He's been here before.
So when you see me talking to thin air, don't care.
I'm talking to God, cause He's there.
The only One Who really cares.

Yeah, and on a final note,
Shadows, you can go when you please.
I'm here if you need me,
And I'm not if you don't.
But please don't try and hurt me by fake concern
When you're going to go.
And last thing - don't apologise for your friendship.
Cause I believed you once. And then - it hurts.
I don't want to hurt unless it's necessary.
And that isn't.

So thank you.
God be with you.
Goodbye.

Symphony of Praise

As the tears drip down my face,
I stop to wonder at Your grace.
Message of hope come from a friend
When life's treadmill hits "never end".
Reminds me You're not done with me,
This waiting's not eternity.

I step out into the morning air,
With wondering eyes and breathe a prayer
Of thankful heart and sing Your praise,
At Your artistry through every day.
Each morning every cloud is new,
Colours fresh and breezes true.

As I whisper prayers and song,
"Be Thou my vision" as I walk along,
I feel my smallness and I smile
At Your nearness for a while.
Surrounded by Your glory close,
Peace unspeakable from You flows.

The broken flower in my path,
A laughable name in my daily track.
The excitement of home and coming online,
Being with family and friends for a time.
There's darkness and light, there's depression and praise,
Dwelling not on the storm, but on Heavenly rays.

Thankfulness

As I wake up in the morning, atmosphere already stressed,
I finally rise to the morning sun - and realise how much I'm blessed.
As Joseph picks another fight, I'm tempted to despair;
So know I must drop to my knees and send an upward prayer.

When I see my mother's bruises, she took so he wouldn't hit me,
And I want to hurt myself for letting her be hurt so badly;
A wooden beam comes into mind, raised on Golgotha's hill -
The Christ Who died there for our sins, innocent, by free will.

When the voices raised and sharp cause me to shiver and shake,
It reminds me that the Lord's voice makes the earth to quake.
When I look around and see this house never to be ours,
I think that our body's temporary, and soon goes in fleeting hours.

The beauty of my own home sometimes grieves me bitterly,
So does the loss of the father who I may ne'er again see.
Beyond the clouds in ceaseless time is my eternal Home,
And God's my Heavenly Father, Who will never let me roam.

Inward pride of independence rises in my heart,
When people offer clothes and money to help us make a start.
When Jesus came unto this earth, He was homeless too,
And leaned on God to provide - and people, mostly, through.

Some entertain ministering angels - they're called friends today.
People who will stick by you, and help through the difficult way.
So many others point the finger, or are Job's comforters;
They cannot see the hand of God in trials - those poor doubters.

Blessed be the Name of God, Who gives and takes away;
Who can strip of all He gifts, but Himself will stay.
He can ease the burdens or increase to shape His will -
Each daily trial and testing only our flesh to kill.

If we will to will to God each day and every task,
He will make us weak so He can give strength when we ask.
The blessing's only found when in each great pain joy we find -
And thankfulness and praises unto God with willing mind.

Building Up

The pressure's increasing,
So many people closing in.
I feel like a rat in a corner.

They say they're concerned,
By surrounding me and intruding,
I'll push further away.

If you try to control me,
Just watch cause I'll break free
And run far away from you.

Keep on praying, that's the best
And don't pry into my life.
Trust God to work all out for the best.

Please, don't force your way.
Or I'll run away.
Let me try to mend, with God.

Stop doubting that He's at work.
I need your support, not pressure.
Give me another chance.

Words Cannot Tell

I wrote this at the Squadron. Seems to be the one place in real life I emotionally let go. A big thank you to 196 staff for their support right now.


The lines are irregular, but on due consideration I won't be changing it.


I want to write
And cannot find
The words to tell
What's in my mind.
How can I tell
The sobs that tear
Me inside out?
Emotions wear
My heart right down.
I cannot find
The words to say
What's in my mind.

Scrawl on paper,
Simple words
That cannot write
The way I hurt;
The feelings that
Compulsively
Drive me to try
And hurt me.

To alleviate
My emotional pain -
Physical hurt.
But what's to gain?
I want to take
From scars so deep;
The hurt inside
Forced me to weep.

Where can I take
My deepest grief?
Words are failing -
So's underneath.
The bottom of
My life fell through;
Where can I go -
And tell - who?
Lord, You reign,
High over all.
You see me
Whenever I fall.
Right now, bleeding
And trying to fight,
My God! Don't leave me
In this night!

To Thee, my Rock,
Alone, I cling.
Saviour, to Thee
My grief I bring.
Your Arms around me
Hold me near.
You quell my grief
And calm my fear.
Into Your Face
I look, and know
With love, You cause
This for me to grow.


In Christ Alone,
Soli Deo Gloria.

Jane Johnson,
March 24, 2011

Another Day

Have you any idea what lies ahead,
Why I don't want to get out of bed?
Not being lazy - I can't face
Another day.

Go to sleep completely drained
Every nerve and faculty strained.
Wake up tense, the same, to
Another day.

Running in circles and trying to do
Things I can't concentrate on around you.
Exhausted and weary, I've failed
Another day.

You ask me why I just don't care,
You scream, and I can't open and share.
Helpless words you cannot hear -
Another day.

Completely broken and trying to heal,
So many different emotions we feel -
An explosive combination.
Another day.

Wake up to the screaming, and crying
Remember last night's bitter fighting.
You wonder why you must live
Another day.

Part of the tension is trying to shield
From caustic words so you don't yield.
No good with it, I don't want
Another day.

So don't come and try to comfort me.
Don't demand to know so cheerily.
Stop pretending you know about
Another day.

I look into the future and I behold
A wondrous beam, its glory untold.
Throughout the darkness, not at the end of
Another day.

It is God with Whom I sleep and wake,
To Whom I every sorrow take.
He sees my tears when I sleep before
Another day.

Softly He takes my hand in His;
Shields and protects and blesses me with
A future hope and love in
Another day.

He strengthens me with the promise of better,
He shelters me in the stormy weather.
My Anchor holds; I face
Another day.

As I enter the battles bitter,
The Light holds steady and does not flicker.
I hurt, but hold onto the peace in
Another day.

Hugs

It's strange at times,
How one's heartache and weariness
Lead us to seek for physical comfort.
Sharing a house
Yet always too busy or too depressed
To share an enveloping hug.

Strange how one's soul throbs
And the whole body yearns
For arms tight around you,
Wrapped as though they won't let you go.
Holding you close to their heart,
Letting you lean on them.

How strange, how much that moment
Of holding, loving, hugging consoles.
How painful and lonely when you look
All around and there is only chill.
No one with time to spare to stand there
And fold you tightly to them.

The sensation of being lightly pressed
Close to someone's side; held lovingly.
Strange how the lack pierces the heart
That yearns so much for that tender touch.
Strange the wandering feel of loneliness
As one turns away from someone too busy.

That brief moment of tenderness shown
Can affect a life so much and show
That one is loved and cared for.
The hurried refusal and turning away
Can pierce a sensitive heart hidden away,
And leave oh, such a wistful loneliness.

Baby Dear

From your cradle comes a choked wail,
And I hurry to your side.
Hanging over your cradle, I murmur
Soothing sounds and hushing noises.
Mommy wakes and sleepily asks
If she should rock you, or whether I will.
I reject her proposal and bend down,
Scooping you into my arms.

The only thing I hate about rocking you
Is that you will scream incessantly down my ear.
And it leaves an unmusical ringing
For quite a while afterwards.
But when you are quiet and only
Making those wheezing breaths as you
Recover from your violent screams,
I look down on you and marvel.

Those tiny fingers that waved so frantically,
Grabbing fistfuls of my shirt to hold me;
Or else, they wave around in the air
Until they randomly lay hold of my fingers,
And then they curl tightly round them
Dragging mine with yours on their wandering way.
Those tiny hands, so small against mine.
Those incredible perfect fingers.

I love the feel of your velvet skin
When you lay your cheek against my neck.
I love the softness of your hair
When you burrow your head under my chin.
I love the way your body snuggles
As if it were made to fit against mine.
I love how you curl up in my arms
Totally vulnerable, helpless - and unconcerned.

There's only two thing I hate
About holding you strongly in my arms.
You arouse feelings in my body and heart
That I never knew were there.
And you make me love you, you helpless darling
With every passionate protective chord in me.
When you turn your head, seeking nourishment
I cannot provide; how I hate that I cannot do it.

Even though I'm not your mother;
I'm only your auntie who dearly loves you.
But, Ayanna, I would gladly do
Anything I could that would help you.
Little princess, my heart lies captive
In your baby embrace and your wandering eyes.
I can barely wait for the day when
I hold you in my arms, and you know me.

Funny

It's funny how like a little girl
I feel when walking down the street.
Skipping with my arm tucked in Daddy's,
And a skirt reaching to my feet.

We both stroll happily together
Through biting chill and shops.
He gives me a £10 note,
I give a happy cry, hug and hop.

Although we often don't get along
I adore the times we do.
Daddy, you love by giving to me;
I know I'm horrid, but I do love you.

Walking along all wrapped up warm,
My hair tied back in a bun,
Daddy's wearing his big bear coat,
I've glasses and no makeup on.

It's funny how safe I feel inside
How happy and little-girl I can be,
When I don't feel I have to impress;
Caused by dress, and Daddy and me.

I stood carolling in the shopping centre,
While Dad nipped in to "the boys",
Holding the shopping and singing along,
Heart chords touched by Christmas joy.

He asked if I had room to eat
One of Gregg's marvellous sausage rolls.
I laughed, and said of course I can!
I just can't eat one whole!

We stepped inside the shop and we
Ordered one from the tired shop man.
He barely looks up as he wraps it in
A bag as quick as he can.

He hands it over the counter and
With a smile, I catch his eye,
Wish him a happy Christmas,
And to my surprise, he nearly cries.

His worried expression relaxes as
He glances to both of us,
With a softened face, he gratefully says,
"And to you - God bless."

My dad returns the blessing and
We set out for the car park near.
Jauntily happy as we walk along -
Glad God used us to give Christmas cheer.

It's funny how different I feel,
As later that night I replace
My long skirt with a knee length one,
And apply makeup to my face.

As I pull on my military shirt,
Adjust my corporal's stripes,
Slip into my parade shoes,
And get ready for the night -

I learn to deal with security,
Incompetance and fear.
The loss of three of my best friends;
Isolated and backbitten here.

My failings are held to open scorn,
My false dealings against the Light -
The Light I held forth for so long
Will be mocked because of me tonight.

Independent, I stride out,
I fight to cover my faults.
Withdrawing from the pushy crowd
Faintly fighting each religious assault.

It's funny to see the difference in girls.
One little girl, safe and secure.
The other one independent and strong,
Making walls as defences get fewer.

Which one was I meant to be?
Can't live the first all my life.
So I need to stand out there and get
A grip with daily strife.

Oh God, make me what I once was!
Help me to strive to be
The witness for Thee I once dreamed
That Thou didst destine me!

Family Chat

Sitting here,
Surrounded by laughter,
Family, finding something to laugh at
In the bitterness that comprises our lives.

Struggling to find
Joy in the path of life.
Forcing ourselves to make merry
Or else we'd be lost in a storm of tears.

The pain emcompassing
All of our lives.
Why do You take away
The few pitiful things that provide joy?

Battered up
Crushed against the rocks
Washed in by the oncoming tide,
Sweeping us around in gusts like flotsam.

Tiredly
We crawl into bed.
Which is the only respite from
The long pain and weariness of our dragging lives.

We don't grasp
Just why our lives
Are made so miserable and You
Take away everything that we start to love dearly.

Picking
Pointing out faults
Dealing with emotional injuries.
We will survive, somehow; someday, we'll be whole again.