For Miguel ~ I Am a Pessimist

I don't often write poems with a sense of humour, but this is one I'm doing deliberately for Miguel, for calling me a pessimist. Hope it makes him laugh. :P

~ Jane


I am a pessimist,
Indubitably, forever.
If it suns, I look at the sky,
And predict it will ruin the heather.

A pessimist never smiles,
Must always ruin the fun.
If it rains, I sigh and groan,
And complain we never see sun.

If it's snowing, I sit under a quilt
All huddled up close and whine
That it's so cold, but I don't like summer.
I whinge and I peak and I pine.

When others are having a picnic,
I sit dolefully nearby.
They ask me what I'm thinking of.
I say RAIN and look at the sky.

My spirits always dampen you,
And make you lost at sea.
No wonder I lose so many friends -
They all run away from me!

Recently I bid a friend farewell,
Godspeed and come back soon.
They said it was morbid, and my friend Miguel
Proclaimed I'm a pessimistic boon.

He could've said a lot worse, I suppose.
Like I spoil every Buzz that I touch.
But then, even I would agree if he said,
Oh Jane, that's a LITTLE too much!

Hmm, what more can I say, because
I know he must be grinning by now.
Well, Mig, I hope for once that I've
Brought a smile to lips, eyes and brow!

So Many Fear

I’m rambunctious and noisy and crazy out here,

To hide insecurity founded in fear.

I worry what people will think when they see

The open and sensitive and vulnerable me.

Cause you find yourself open to jeers and to scorn,

Abandoned and left, downtrodden, forlorn,

By the crowd that seeks the gay and the bright,

Not the insecure, hurting, those crushed and in plight.

If you peel their facade off, I bet you will find

They’re masking too, as is the whole of mankind.

I wonder what will happen if we cast off our shells,

Kick away the mask-up and ring its death bell.

Maybe we’ll find that we all are in need,

All aching and cut up, with nothing to plead

For our errors of judgement, our sin and our pain.

When we see that, we end up masking again.

Even those born again, now the children of Light,

Still end up masking like the creatures of Night.

Why refuse to be open with the Saviour and Tower?

Why hide all the pain and deny Him His power?

No wonder the world looks and jeeringly says,

“There’s no proof THERE that He’s mighty to save!”

How can He, when we refuse to surrender,

And let Him become our Shield and Defender?

We damage the cause we try to uphold

When hiding the sorrow with its cure untold.

I’m glad God brought people close to me,

Staying in spite of my infidelity.

I’m awed and grateful that even though

God knows me, that He still loves me so.

Even though I’ve denied Him a hundred ways,

He loves me to the end of my days.

Dawning Hope

I have some strange old feelings
That tangled up, sent me reeling.
Under a new blow that I didn't foresee -
But now I know He's holding me.

Chorus:

And He whispers, Peace, be still.
When you're living in My Will,
You have nothing to fear,
My Arms are holding you near.

Though the clouds will come to shake me,
I know that they won't break me.
Cause He's put my feet on the Rock -
Himself; to me He holds the lock.

I'm guarded safe in His Hand.
No matter what dreams tumble down.
I can't believe He's let me hope -
If I were alone, I couldn't cope.

Sudden rainbows in the flood
Sunshine reflects in pools of mud.
Wild joy, unbelieving fear
Hope and doubt fight fierce in here.

And no matter what the outcome is,
I know He holds my hand in His.
He will direct your path and mine,
And give us joy in love divine.

It's Like A Dream

It’s like a dream.
I stand open mouthed, watching myself
In awestruck horror. How can I stoop
To letting them use me this way again?

It’s like a dream.
Part of me retreats into myself.
What excuse can I have this time
To explain what has gone on?

It’s like a dream.
A reality dream to crush a dream,
Not believing that the dream I want
Most to live won’t die.

It’s like a dream.
Allowing them to laugh and jeer
To look me over like an object
Treating me as no more than a harlot.

It’s like a dream.
A repeated nightmare ever living
Why am I allowing the name of God
In His daughter to be defamed?

It’s like a dream.
To save His name I deny Him.
How much more traitorous and
A worthless wretch can I be?

It’s like a dream.
I know He can forgive me
And I know He still loves me,
But I don’t feel worthy of it.

It’s like a dream.
Shaking with fear, I think
Of the man I love whom also
I have betrayed by allowing this.

It’s like a dream.
I fear his response,
I fear his kindness, love and pity.
I am afraid of him.

It’s like a dream.
I did this to hurt myself
So badly that I would cease dreaming
Because I fear that dream won’t live.

It’s like a dream.
I can’t believe this is me
That is doing this action replay.
Gutter rat, crawling back.

It’s like a dream.
A horrid nightmare.
I daren’t embrace the other
And maybe that’s why.

It’s like a dream.
And I’m going to turn
My back on it and reach
Out for the one I want to live.

It’s like a dream.
And one I will try to forget
And pray to God that someday
I can live my true dream.

It’s like a dream.
And if so, it will end.

Fire! Fire!

Iridescent flame, burning brightly through the night
Of the darkness I've reentered, turning me from the Light.
Its multi, gaudy colours call the wild beast in my soul.
Its weirdly flaunting, luminous flame pulls me from the Goal.

Irresistable flame, burning near to me then far,
Like a will-o'-the-wisp, or an unattainable star.
Tell me why we fly at a beckon to lusts we never fulfill,
When all that we desire is achievable in His Will.

Incandescent flame, that sets me on fire inside,
Calling out my lusts and sins, my passions, fear and pride.
Reaching out my hand to grasp, I feel it singe my skin,
And watch what I've loved all my life fall to ashes within.

Illuminating flame, showing sins that grieve my God;
Ignoring the pain we cause Him, eager for the world's nod.
Chasing the glittering tinsel, reaching for baubles instead of gold,
Years later we realise all of the loss of the priceless thing we sold.

Inglorious flame, still burning, still calling me away.
Ignomious glory for which I sold my soul today.
Snatched before it's in my grasp, I fall flat on my face in quicksand,
Surrounded by the laughs and jeers of those who encouraged me onto this ground.

Brilliant Light, still shining, so high and far above,
Still looking down with pity and everlasting love.
Can You forgive and take back a gutter rat such as I?
I'm dying to give it all to You, and watch that flame flicker and die.

Burning Light in anger, consuming up the flame.
Showing me how worthless was its dancing and its shame.
As Moses standing before the bush, I stand, thinking how odd...
I reach out to the nondestroying consumer, and touch the Hand of God.

Give Up Hope

Give - up - hope!
I can't yet do it.
Give - up - hope!
We're not yet through it.
Give - up - hope!
Start seeing the unseen.
Give - up - hope!
Live out your life's dream.

Give - up - hope!
The echo in my head.
Give - up - hope!
And if I do, I'm dead.
Give - up - hope!
I need to dream to see
If I give - up - hope!
I lose faith in eternity.

Give - up - hope!
Just take your lies away.
Give - up - hope!
Somewhere's a better day.
Give - up - hope!
There is still a tomorrow.
Give - up - hope!
Please God, with joy for sorrow.

Give - up - hope!
Give up life as you know it.
Give - up - hope!
There's light beyond this small bit.
Give - up - hope!
I must have faith in God.
Give - up - hope!
Struggle on 'gainst all odds.

Give - up - hope!
Never shall I again.
Give - up - hope!
Life flowing with the rain.
Give - up - hope!
So little to keep me going.
Give - up - hope!
Hope is faith, not knowing.

Give - up - hope!
I can no longer cope.

Hugs

It's strange at times,
How one's heartache and weariness
Lead us to seek for physical comfort.
Sharing a house
Yet always too busy or too depressed
To share an enveloping hug.

Strange how one's soul throbs
And the whole body yearns
For arms tight around you,
Wrapped as though they won't let you go.
Holding you close to their heart,
Letting you lean on them.

How strange, how much that moment
Of holding, loving, hugging consoles.
How painful and lonely when you look
All around and there is only chill.
No one with time to spare to stand there
And fold you tightly to them.

The sensation of being lightly pressed
Close to someone's side; held lovingly.
Strange how the lack pierces the heart
That yearns so much for that tender touch.
Strange the wandering feel of loneliness
As one turns away from someone too busy.

That brief moment of tenderness shown
Can affect a life so much and show
That one is loved and cared for.
The hurried refusal and turning away
Can pierce a sensitive heart hidden away,
And leave oh, such a wistful loneliness.

Dream

Dream

Some people say I am a fool,
And someday soon will come to rue
The choice to give up my life
For a dream.

Some people think I will regret
Spurning life for a dream I won't get.
Yet hope springs new and always
For my dream.

I took a decided step away,
I no longer want to live that way.
Turn with smiling fearful face
Towards this dream.

My dream has high uncertainty.
It's a barest possibility.
Motioned on, I turn
And face the dream.

A child who lives in fairyland,
Imagining, tricking out something grand.
Is it possible to live
In this my dream?

God can make men out of dust,
Disperse them with less than a gust.
If not of You, I pray
Dissolve my dream.

Before I smash my life complete,
Then end up scrounging on the street.
I'm giving up all I can
To live my dream.

No dream's too big with God right there,
It can be lived with faith and prayer.
Be Thou my solace - and oh!
Make my dream true!

First Kiss

Do you know how easy it is to destroy every defence you built up for emotional purity? For two years after God delivered me from a foolish attachment I had got deeply emotionally involved with, I fought a battle for emotional purity. For over a year, I also fought a battle with a growing attraction to a young non-Christian cadet sergeant at my Squadron.

In October 2009, I learned that he was going to leave the Squadron. Suddenly. It had a shell-shock effect, because his father - our commanding officer - had been backbitten out, and it was a horrible mess. The six of us working to uphold the Squadron had become a very close knit bunch.

I spent a day with my uncle and aunt. They saw I was depressed and asked why. I told them. Then they attacked the entire principles I had founded my emotional purity on. They said there was nothing wrong with being boyfriend and girlfriend, nor with moderate kissing. I fought back - but weakly. And by the end of the day, I had caved in and admitted to myself and them that I loved him - not admitted, but let go of the barrier to let the floodtide of emotion loose.

You see - where in the Bible DOES it have clear cut guidelines? Where in the Bible DOES it say that you can't kiss a guy? All I could find were the lines on impurity and immoral behaviour - and a ban on sleeping around outside of marriage. In the next few days I wrote my first poem that is on this site - Searching For Answers.

Now, I am starting to see that there doesn't need to be definitive lines. Yes, I judged it as the laws of the Pharisees - law on law on law to protect the original law. But there are no laws. It is a matter of choice. And we have to choose to keep those boundaries up to support the heart of the matter.

Perhaps the difference becomes when it's forced and no longer a labour of love. Then it becomes Pharisaical.

Debating the other day with someone about saving your first kiss til you're at the altar, it suddenly struck me how precious the thing really is; following, I wrote this poem.


First Kiss

When you touch your lips to mine,
Thoughts will cease, and so will time.
I'll be lost in the wonder of your love;
Precious gift from God above.
I'll love you more than words can say,
When you kiss me on our wedding day.

All the wonder of Love Divine,
Is weakly reflected in yours and mine.
United together we shall be
To love and serve Him faithfully.
A blessing that seals, He has given us this -
Our first physical union at the altar - a kiss.