Family Chat

Sitting here,
Surrounded by laughter,
Family, finding something to laugh at
In the bitterness that comprises our lives.

Struggling to find
Joy in the path of life.
Forcing ourselves to make merry
Or else we'd be lost in a storm of tears.

The pain emcompassing
All of our lives.
Why do You take away
The few pitiful things that provide joy?

Battered up
Crushed against the rocks
Washed in by the oncoming tide,
Sweeping us around in gusts like flotsam.

Tiredly
We crawl into bed.
Which is the only respite from
The long pain and weariness of our dragging lives.

We don't grasp
Just why our lives
Are made so miserable and You
Take away everything that we start to love dearly.

Picking
Pointing out faults
Dealing with emotional injuries.
We will survive, somehow; someday, we'll be whole again.

Divorce

Sitting here watching your face,
Watching you fight back the tears
As you hold your baby and your heart
Hidden close from your friends.

Aching for the pain you experience
So broken and smashed up from past relationships.
Trying to trust the man you love
Who is worthless and self centred.

Watching you look adoringly at your baby,
Through the agony you suffer inside.
Trying to make the right decisions for her -
Suffering emotional abuse.

She will go through this too...
You will suffer so much watching her suffer.
Go now, free yourself from the chains...
Or watch your baby grow up as scarred as you.

Emotions aren't everything, darling...
Let it go. It's not just you now...
Set your heart free...
And learn to heal.

Pain

Hurt me.
I don't care what you do,
But hurt me.
I rip back the skin, exposing my heart to your touch.

Lash me.
Snap back your whip and cut,
Deeply embedding it into my heart.
I can no longer stand the pain I am enduring.

A tiny burn
Hurts far, far more than a third degree.
Burn me deeply,
Cauterise this bleeding hole so that it hurts no more.

Cut me.
Crush my heart and smash it,
Break me down.
Level me to the ground and drag me through the dirt.

Speak cruelly.
Don't stay by me any more.
Go away.
Cut the cord and free me from my lasting pain.

Can't you see?
You say you want to help me.
Then help me.
By stabbing me so deeply this pain will hurt no longer.

Struggle

An empty shell, a hollow ball;
Inside, defiant, I stand tall.
Putting on a facade to fool, to seem -
I'm starting to recognise a greater need.

It grows larger with each passing day,
As I grow sicker of my own way.
I turn bewildered from hand to hand,
Wondering who to fight and where to stand.

I pick up the Bible, bemusement increase,
I see Christ must control, as to be I must cease.
Yet in several corners, raging battles go on -
Though it's already decided Christ the Victor has won.

I want to trust, but my fear is too great.
Can my heart squeeze through that narrow gate?
I want to give in, to surrender complete,
But the pain that will come pulls me back on my feet.

Why do we fight and refuse to draw near?
Why open our hearts to adversaries like fear?
Why allow pain to cause an oozing sore
Instead of trusting God through wounds so raw?

"Surely He can see!" our hearts cry.
"The last person to take any more must be I!
I can't cope with the fear, the pain and the stress -
Where are the promises of peace and to bless?"

It is only when we crumple in heaps of despair
That we realise He's standing in wait of a prayer.
At our faint full surrender to let Him take control,
He waits til we're nothing to heal our souls.

~ Jane, 18/11/10

Letting Go

It took but a moment
As you stepped back well.
Now I've withdrawn
Way into my shell.

I remember a time
I grieved for friends lost;
Now I've learned to accept
The heavy cost.

People will come
As others go;
Don't learn to rely
They melt like snow.

Here today,
Tomorrow gone.
Life's like a breeze,
There's only one.

So don't hang on,
Don't cling to the past.
Put your memories away,
Don't let them last.

As long as you're needed,
There's a point hanging on.
When your lives seperate,
Let go 'cause there's none.

In phases of life,
You'll make new friends.
They come, backbite and go -
It's a passing trend.

So let go of your life,
Wave a cheerful goodbye.
Stand on your own feet -
And don't ever cry.

Hold My Heart?

I want to cry and have no tears.
There's a heavy ache within my heart,
A sense of loneliness, even though I'm not longer empty.
A sense of missing something, of wandering in a mist.
A sense of isolation - I am alone.

I think it would be better if
I could stand there, face to face with someone
Who really and truly cares, and let out one long, loud
Earpiercing shriek. I'm tired of being misjudged, of being condemned
By one person's standards, permitted by another.

I want to scream out a wordless cry,
A howl of agony that would sound to the heavens.
I can think of nothing to say but the one name who has lived
Every single day since last October in my thoughts.
That name I am fighting to reject, to kill.

That empty hole that he has left,
Cauterised by the rejection and condemnation I received.
The use and abandoning of those who called themselves friends.
I know God is capable of filling and healing the wounds.
But it's more like I'm covering them with Him, not having them healed.

The scars left by the rejection,
By the deep and utter sense of isolation.
By the longing to reach out and trust someone,
And having it thrown back in my face.
I want to cry; I want to scream.

My scream is an animal howl -
My cry of tearless agony inside; I have no words
To voice what I wish to say, and I do not know
What I would say if I could. Where are You?
If only someone cared enough that I could break down and cry...

And cry...
And cry...
In their arms...
Without ever having to feel selfish...
Without ever having to feel like I'm taking...
Without ever being concerned about what they think...
Without ever having to hold myself back...
Without trying to retain some dignity...
Without holding onto my pride and their respect...

Is there anyone who could do that?
Anyone at all, who can deal with my grief?
No, because everyone, underneath, has scars of their own.
Everyone needs healing. No one is complete.
I can never take this from someone,
Without giving in return. Except for God.

Why are You not physical?
Why can't I feel Your arms around me, holding me close?
Why can't I sit on Your lap, knowing myself to be what I am,
And cry voicelessly until I have no more tears?
Why can't I feel You straining me tightly against Yourself?
Why can't I feel Your Hand stroking my hair, whispering words of reassurance and love?
Why can't I believe that You are there and that You do NOT judge me?

Oh God...have mercy...I am human.

Broken Relationship

Stop crowding me; stop pretending you care.
It's been way too long since you left me...
I know he needed all your love and attention.
I knew it and have known all along
That he needs way more than me.
I'm sorry I snapped under the strain and tension.
I'm sorry I gave way and added to your depression.
But I couldn't cope, with my own sorrow
And I couldn't reach you. You tuned me out.

I know why you didn't want me too close.
You'd been hurt by the guy who should've cared
Who should've loved you and held you
Guarded and lead your heart the way you needed.
Who should've been sensitive to your needs
And opened to God's direction to heal your marriage.
You are afraid of anyone coming close,
Knowing your sorrow and pain deeply again.
You're afraid to trust, afraid to be open to be hurt.

I understand so much. My sister and I...we're so much like you.
We're all three of us sensitive and emotional beings
Trying to be strong, fighting to get through life.
I denied I was like you so long, and even now
I like to think at times that I'm more hard than both of you.
I hope so; I hope I've learned the lessons from both of you
And spare myself from the same kind of pain.
Although in a strange way, I'm going through it myself...
And doing exactly what you did - I'm pulling away.

You hit me where it hurt without mercy.
I pulled back from you, and then of course - he took your attention.
He needed it - I've never argued that. Just sometimes
When it seemed like I needed and tried to reach out to you,
You were so distant, always thinking about him.
I pulled back, back to my friends...and got hurt by them.
But you aren't there...you weren't there.
Even now, when I try to share my interests and joys with you,
You always find something to criticise and condemn.

There's caution and there's a complete putting-down.
Why can't we find a level between the two?
Why don't we share any common interests, and why
Can't we enjoy the differences between our common interests
And encourage each other in them? After all, I don't condemn
Your interest and I do try to fake some kind
Of sharing pleasure in what interests you. But you're
Rarely willing to try and find something in mine without condemning.

Sometimes I can sense the desperate frustration as we
Try to find a way to communicate with all our barriers.
You want to reach me, and I want to reach you.
But we can't reach out through our mutual pain.
I daren't share my secret life with you - for you've condemned
And hurt me way too often before. I'm not willing
To be open to that kind of pain again. Can't you see?
You're built exactly the same way as me. We're the same!
We both - can't - face that pain again!

But right now, please...you can't force me to come back.
You pushed me away when I needed you most. And now
I need them. And they need me. Can't you see that?
We all have pain - and I can't help you. They can't help
What they do to try and ease that pain. How would you react
If you knew I'd done exactly the same? If you kick me
Away from them now, you will destroy the one thing that's left
That holds me to some level of humanity, to some softness.
I am so afraid of having to decide my life's fate right now.

But you're going to push me to it if you take away
My friends, the only ones who know me and still love me.
Who criticise and don't try to do it to hurt me,
Don't take them away. Or you'll push me even further.
Mom, listen to my heart by looking at your own.
I'm sorry things are like this. I'm so, so sorry.
And I know - I can never, never tell you how much
That God is using these friendships to help me,
Because I can never reveal my true self.

Stop trying to take them away.
Stop trying to force me to be what I cannot.
Stop trying to deal with me like you couldn't.
Try to understand.
Try to see me in you.
I'm so sorry it had to turn out like this.
I'm so sorry I turned out this way.
I'm sorry this can never be spoken aloud.
Oh Mom. I'd never dare to show you this.

Because we don't understand.

Steps

One step forward and ten steps back.
Of faith in God is there a lack?
A refusal to follow Him complete
To trust Him with all my needs?
Yesterday now seems, oh, so black.
I took one step forwards and ten steps back.

One step forward, ten steps back.
The veneer of confidence begins to crack.
God shows idolatry, unforgiveness within;
He's convicting me of all my sins.
Fearing the mirror, I begin to run -
One step forwards means ten steps gone.

One step forwards and ten steps back.
A burden grows heavier as I'm laid on the rack.
Crucifying self is no easy thing;
To the foot of the Cross, my guilt I must bring.
Surrending all areas - I must - it's a fact.
Or it's one step forwards and ten steps back.

Jane Johnson
31/10/10

Auf Wiedersehn

Why am I writing something grand
So people will want to read?
After all, who cares of the heart
That's scratching for words while it bleeds?
Who cares of the struggle to find a rhyme
To make it poetic and pretty?
Who cares of the agony that lies beneath,
That creates a nice little ditty?

A poem of friendship, a sad little story
A heartbreak lies beneath.
Grow up, will you, and see a soul,
Of pain and distrust and grief.
Look at me and see my soul
It's crawling, waiting to be kicked.
Just look down and aim the blow.
It's the waiting makes me feel sick.

Oh, come on. This was coming long ago.
Just open your eyes and see.
That the sheer patheticness of life
Is a cause of agony.
Sure, we should sit back,
Take pleasure and passivity with pain.
I'm sorry; I can't go through that.
Surely you see I can't do it again.

I'm a bundle of emotions I don't understand.
Mistrust, agony and fear.
Of wanting to go where I don't want to go,
Of learning to stop shedding tears.
I want all the pain to stop; I don't care how,
It will hurt when I kick the door shut.
Will it hurt if I leave it open more, than
If I slam it now and lock it up?

Open your eyes, my soul is before you.
I'm tired of playing with words.
Hear me now as I speak my uncertainty,
In no uncertain terms.
Would you see why I must hurt myself and you
In a battle I'd rather not undergo?
After all, a friendship's replaceable.
Let's just wave goodbye and let go.

Let go, never to talk any more.
Let go, never to chat.
Let go, never to know how life goes.
Somehow that seems, oh, so flat.
The pain and mistrust and doubt
Is something I can't cope with right now.
Trying to pretend everything's all right,
Makes it even worse, somehow.

So knowing we're doing a good shot
In the long run; to make it right.
We really ought to make up our minds,
And with a shaky goodbye, wave goodnight.
It's easier for future, for past and for now,
To let go before we get bitter.
Goodbye, dear friend, God bless, au revior,
I run away before you see my tears glitter.

Autumn

The vibrant colours fade from the petals,
Brown holes grow as they start to die.
The golden leaves grow brown, then black;
Veins protrude as they wither and fly.
The trees release their heavy loads,
Lift their bare arms to the sky.
The earth looks barren, subdued and cold -
Its heart a reflection of mine.

Seasons come with sparkle and silence
Stealing a march to December.
Time and again, the summer is followed
By autumn to the year's cold embers.
Why does the spirit of man change so?
Why are we as fluctuating as weather?
Why does the first sign of grief or pain
Send us flying behind a shield of never?

Never again will I face this pain,
Never deal with it or learn to accept.
I know that if I don't take the pain
My growth will be stunted; my life a regret.
But I have dealt with induced pain before,
It took a year to heal the deep wound.
I can't take any more right now -
The scars from the last are too recent, too soon.

Sitting on the edge of the lake,
Watching the ripples on the surface,
Studying the intrinsicate beauty
Of leaves dancing a colourful race.
I remember that I have been saved
From a fate on earth worse than death.
But still hangs over my mind
The shining sharp blade; I catch my breath.

I'm trying the rock loud and heavy,
It's not working to ease the pain.
Oh no! God, please come and save me.
I can't stoop to that again.
The evil laughter from my past comes closer
Waves the image in front of my eyes.
"You went there; you can again,
Don't hide in a mock up of pride."

The wind rushes over my hair,
Blowing strands in front of my eyes.
A sunlight beam causes a glitter;
I look up in silent surprise.
I know God is standing there before me.
Somehow I didn't expect Him that near.
Nor did I think He'd come right now,
As I'm lost in my guilt and my fear.

I only have to look into His eyes,
So tender, so suffering in empathy.
And glance at the wounds in His hands and side...
And I can understand His agony.
He suffered in person and soul and mind
He went through all that He had to go,
To stop me from raising that glint edged knife
To prevent me from ever falling so low.

There's only the options of fighting my fear,
And stooping to torture myself once more.
But as soon as the chat screen opens out
Logic flees and emotions come rushing out raw.
I eye the knife and pursue the rock
And drench my pillow with tears at night.
There's only the options of block and delete,
Or suffering deeply and continuing to fight.

The autumn of friendship is waning fast,
The storm clouds roll rumbling overhead.
The gusts of wind strike the trembling leaves
Blowing them apart, into miniscule shreds.
The storms of life beat helplessly on
The one grounded solidly in the Rock of Christ.
I'm still insecure, still wandering back.
Still incapable of security, try as I might.

I know I should surrender my sorrow to Him,
My pain, my deep fear, my mistrust.
The autumn of friendship paces rapidly on,
The memories will soon fade to dust.
A close friendship can vanish and memories dim,
The person once so close become shadow,
This is the way I have chosen to go.
This is the way of tomorrow.