Slammed Doors

You learn to deal with abnormality
So long that it becomes normality.
You smile serenely under the strain
And never realise all of the pain
Your face a single tear streaks,
Sudden a flood rolls down your cheeks.

Sitting here in silent sorrow
Told there's still a bright tomorrow.
You laugh and wonder why your eyes are dry,
Imagining safety where you weep and cry.
Listening to the sobs above,
So empty - despairing how to love.

A voice condemned, a fencepost sitter
Finds no comfort but only splinters.
The silence is silent and dark and cold
You wait to find the arms of God.
The only Friend but voiceless ones
Who long to share but cannot come.

Words to find, the wounds to tell
A mind blanks to form an hollow shell.
A life performed to bring some cheer,
But only sadness, no hope, you fear.
A step outside, vulnerability
A door is slammed, anonymity.

Left outside to the sound of weeping,
Where's the joy in your heart you're seeking?
People hurting, selfharming, that you care for so much,
Reach out and they're repelled by the touch.
Fight to the death for the hurt they're embracing.
So much of their lives they're erasing.

"You have no compassion for what I'm going through."
"Your eyes hold no comfort though your smile is true."
Maybe I don't know the hurt in your heart.
Maybe I don't share your grief from the start.
But open the door, allow me to linger.
And start accepting my hand, finger by finger.

What?

The darkness is coming
The shadows are near
The sheer icy fingers
Gripping me are named Fear.
Depression and doubt
And guilt and dread,
And shame and sorrow
To me are wed.

They say there's Light
In the Power of the Son.
They say there's Peace
When the battle is won.
Am I on the side
Of winners to gain?
Am I with the losers
In the downpour of rain?

Head that is spinning
With talking double at once.
Heart that is torn
With family and love.
Friendships in battle
And fear in the soul.
Wondering when
The wounds will be whole.

Eyes that are sadness
Eyes that are bright
Eyes that shine love
In the shadow of night.
Eyes that are reading
The pain that they see.
A heart that wants to
Help it all to cease.

A life that is restless,
Feet forced on a path.
Trying to ease heartbreak
With more caused at last.
Total surrender
The peace turns to hurt...
The mind becomes dull...
Pain makes it too alert.

Confusion...torn hearts...
Friends most disappear.
Coming and going
Like shadows each year.
Guilt that haunts
Collapse that comes
God, when will it end?
I just want to go home.

Then they come, say I'm wrong.
Say I should focus on now.
"Please stop being selfish."
And you're not selfish - how?
"We'd miss you so much."
Oh really? That's great.
Don't cry at my funeral,
For then it's too late.

"Depression and despair
All words it leaks through.
I'm always still praying.
We'll get through this too."
Heard it so often.
Repeat it right now.
And I'll laugh to scorn
At the millionth vow.

So God...You're still here.
I dance to Your call.
I walk through the silence...
Listen for Your footfall.
My heart rises at Your voice,
And dances in delight.
Thank You for being here
Making silence so bright.

Never alone.

Rap Rhythm

I wrote this one at work today while reading 2 Corinthians (thank you, Bethy. ;)) when three of the words jumped out at me. I already had a rap rhythm that I couldn't remember where from (but turns out to be Toby Mac) playing in my head, so...here. :P

The last two lines after the four verses are more sung and go a bit one into the other, the line before last said softly, then the last bit rappy again. :P

If anyone's in Christ, he's a new creation,
No more lost in condemnation
Headed for the wrath of God's damnation -
By the grace of God.

For Christ, since the world's foundation,
Became the Rock of our salvation
And undertook the reconciliation
Of mankind to God.

He bore the cross with no deliberation
From God endured sin's separation,
Life triumphed at the resurrection
And crushed eternal death.

Sin had chained us in frustration,
Lost and blind to our affliction,
So God became our liberation -
In God alone we stand.

So thank You, God, for all the love You have bestowed on us!
Thank You, Jesus, for Your unconditional love and mercy.

I am Yours.

To bring Light and liberty to every nation!


~Jane Johnson

Heavenly Hunger

How my heart hungers for the distant shore,
The day when faith is faith no more.
How my eyes strain and stream with tears
And look despairing, full of fears
And how my hands reach out for what they lack
There's no way forward and no way back.

As the body collapses and strain pulls taut,
It's easier to let go - who would have thought
That there could be such joy in looking to die?
Only guilt for the sorrow of those left behind.
But faced with a choice of an earthly tomorrow -
Oh God, please forgive my terrible sorrow!

I long for a husband and family home,
For small children to call his and my own.
I long for a future to reach out to others,
To bring love and healing to so many who suffer.
I want all the wrong things I've done to come right,
To help others out of the darkness to Light.

But far more at rest and peace in my soul
Is the hope that remains, cannot be cajoled
Into changing to the dream; can it be true?
Am I dying and so getting nearer to You?
As body collapses, dearest things grow away,
That Heaven is closer, I cannot but pray.

The rest and the joy and the light that it brings,
To think I'll soon sit at the feet of my King.
The past fade to nothing, the wrong all come right.
The veil torn asunder, and faith will be sight.
A poor feeble servant with nothing to give...
Just let me sit there and my soul - it will live.

Ten Minute Verbosity

Oh God, afflict me as often as Thou wouldst choose.
I care not for the burden if this is the way Thou wouldst use.
Sweet is the communion when I walk with Thee.
Oh God, how I long Thy face to see!
So delicate the lyrics on the tip of my tongue,
The chime, the note not yet been sung.
Bursting and bubbling, the melody
My heart raises to sing to Thee.
But speechless am I, and lost are the words.
For I've never found them to sing their verse.

Praises I would sing as I try to find
The words on the edge on the tip of my mind.
I'm looking at the sunset, the stars, the tress.
I feel the warmth, the touch of the breeze.
I look at the planes, I dream of the skies
I think of the past with tears in my eyes
I feel the burden, called to prayer and song.
This must be of Thee - I know I'm not wrong.

But God, where are the words I want to sing
To praise and glorify the King?
The phrases are old, the words aren't new.
There's something unspoken I want to tell You.
There's something in colours, the sunlit bright rays
There's something that calls my heart out to praise.
WHERE are the words I so want to find?
Why are they buried so deep down inside?
It's almost like an unknown tongue...
What will it take that from me they are wrung?

The sihouette of trees, birds nesting together
The smell of damp leaves, the tease of the heather.
The budding of spring, the minty green leaves,
I'm walking along as I'm watching all these.
And God, You are here, You're with me. I know.
Why does my heart long to see You so?
It's like there's a veil so close I can touch
I keep getting near, but never enough.
If I could just pull it aside, I know I would see
Your face and be changed inside all of me.
The evil would go, the light would come in
I'd be changed, I'd be new, there'd be You all within!
But where are the words Your praises to tell?
I feel so dumb, but I know it is well.

For You know the song so deep in my heart.
I guess You've known it right back from the start.
You know the praise Thy beauty inspires.
The touch of Your lips and my heart is on fire.
Melody discordant, how lovely to hear
To know the presence of God - that there's nothing to fear

As I'm walking home and I'm nearly there.
I guess this will have to speak in words of a prayer...
No peace in their lives or joy to be found...
For lost souls to be opened, for lost sheep to be found.
Oh God! You are God! You know my heart breaks.
How long til You answer? How long will it take?
I know You are here, You see all my tears.
Your heart breaks with me and You know all my fear.
And God, in return, You have given assurance
Of peace deep within....

And so I will sing and glorify Your name
And praise You as I can and tell of Your fame
And spread You abroad in a pitiful way,
You're God. You can use it at the end of the day!
Turning into my street...and what will I find?
Broken hearts, desperate eyes...so blind.
All of this is here for a reason. I know.
In Your infinite wisdom, You've decreed it so.
You've put me here, the pain to endure
I never would've known Your love so sure
If You hadn't brought me through this.
The inner serenity and bliss.

So tell out, my soul, the Lord's praises.
Fill your eyes with beauty and your hair with daisies!
Give out His love; with the pain - use it right.
He's coming through the darkness to break down the night.
So my trust is in God, my step firm and sure.
You are here, God. You are near.
Continue to allure, bring us into Your ways
Keep our hearts in Your steps
At the end of the day
There will be no regrets.
God, You will live forever, I know.
Forever and ever...
Your death united what no death can sever.

Pain and Change

I feel so speechless
Yet the words
Are pouring through my head.
Finally the heart of the matter
Has been opened,
And I begin to see.

The fog is so thick
So blinding
Unclear and grey and hazy.
Put out my hands and fall.
Someone catches me
And helps me through the night.

It's like...a door...
With a key lost
Fumbling frantically to find it.
Like an oozing sore...
That I know the pain but
Cannot find the source.

Suddenly a cry to God
And He answers
In a flash, when least expected.
Flashes of truth
Pierce the darkness with shards
Of radiant hope and glorious light.

I start to comprehend
Little things that
Never made sense to me before.
Been coming for weeks
And only now
Can I understand the change coming.

The biggest since
I chose love
Over running away from it.
That's why the demons
Are fighting so hard
To stop me now. Because they know.

So does God
In Whom I trust.
So do those leading me.
I can't see. But I know
He won't let go.
Teach me Thy paths.

Purify. No matter the cost.

Half Day's Holiday

Body shaking,
Back is aching
From my skin is leaking sweat.
And I know
As poems go
This isn't quite what you'd expect.

But having fun
On potato run,
And digging them o'er and o'er.
Looking for pots,
And digging up rocks,
Is the potato hoer.

Twilight here
And darkness near
Trying to hunt the gold.
Striking a patch
Finding them match
Wishing I didn't feel old!

Lift a glass
Toast the last
Potatoes homegrown this year.
Gathering in,
For Christmas din,
More precious than gold, they're here.

:D

Worth the Wait?

"Worth the Wait" by 33 Miles,
Playing clearly in my head.
Even as it starts to end,
And the final words are said.
Through the voice saying "Hold on"
Another whispers, "Is it worth the wait?"
A path more easy lies before,
And it holds wide the gate.

Bypath Meadow's always easy,
And grass is greener on the other side,
And the softer path's at hand to travel.
Can the steadfast voice have lied?
Can it ever be worth the wait?
Is it enough to keep believing?
Is God's timing never late?
Will He my cries be always receiving?

Trying to walk a double path,
The split will split yourself in two.
Following God or the easy way,
What you know - or know naught but God's Truth?
The heart is sore and overcharged
About to split itself with grief.
He came to share our burdens...
To lift up the fallen and weak.

Blindly clinging to His Hand,
The promise He's given is true.
Praying He'll help me out of the mess,
And start once more anew.
Focused on the path that's hard
And stony, all rugged, uphill.
Not blinded by the green bypath,
Only hearing His "Peace, be still."

"Be still, and know that I am God.
Trust, I will bring to pass.
Faithful I am to My promises,
Keep going, none of this will last.
I'm testing you through the Refiner's fire,
To make you in My image each day.
Don't give up and follow the easier road,
You'll miss all the blessings along the way."

So I sigh and resigned, I open my eyes,
And look around, waiting to hear.
And once more, "It's Worth the Wait"
Starts sounding in my ears.
Suddenly I'm aware I can go on no more,
I'm done and my strength is all through.
But there's something inside that won't give up -
It's Him - He's breaking through.

I want to give up, for an easier path,
But the hardcore of God won't give in.
Crucify self to the cross of His love,
And purging our flesh of the sin.
Shaping us, changing us, through each mortal step,
Though there's terrible pain on the way,
Through each of the choices we make in our lives,
"Oh Lord, You know. Have Your own way."


Right now I want to give up so badly. Give up and go the easier road. But just as I let go and tell God, I can't do it any more, I realise there's something else that isn't letting go - as before. Over, and over. It's the Hand of God, holding me to the promise I made. Changing me through it and in it and because of it over and over. And suddenly, I'm aware of His presence. And I know I'm carrying on - because I can't. But He can.

Close of a Friendship

Was getting used to being alone.
The silent smile.
The shadows of people who were once there,
And now are not and never can be.
But I never realised I was
Still attached to the shadows,
And have to let go of the shadows
To let the light of a future come in.

But that means saying goodbye...
And somehow, one never thinks
Even after they're gone,
That they'll only come back to say
Goodbye.
People merge from two to one
From one to two
From old to new.

And people come, and people go
And then they wonder at my silent smile.
And wonder why, as they stop to dig a while,
Why they don't get anywhere.
Cause I know, as they will learn soon,
That the digging is going to happen,
And that they'll uncover something -
And end up trashing it and moving on.

There's something more beautiful
Always lying in the distance,
And people ruin what they have now
Just to grasp at what's coming.
It's funny, you see...
People don't understand me.
Because I silently watch and silently smile
And hide me away because they'll leave in a while.

Some folks will vanish,
Some people just leave.
Some never came,
Some promised they'd cleave.
Some said they'd stick
Every inch of the way,
And some people forget me
Back in yesterday.

However, I can take
The rude curious stare
The rough careless hands
That try and hold me then let go.
See, I've got a God Who's
More powerful than you.
What you drop, He catches,
And cares for, and loves, and holds.

Don't think I'm alone in the silence.
I'm not. I learned to find God there.
In the stillness is where you find Him.
Even in the worst, worst pain.
People don't understand. Can't. Run away. Hide.
He doesn't. He's been here before.
So when you see me talking to thin air, don't care.
I'm talking to God, cause He's there.
The only One Who really cares.

Yeah, and on a final note,
Shadows, you can go when you please.
I'm here if you need me,
And I'm not if you don't.
But please don't try and hurt me by fake concern
When you're going to go.
And last thing - don't apologise for your friendship.
Cause I believed you once. And then - it hurts.
I don't want to hurt unless it's necessary.
And that isn't.

So thank you.
God be with you.
Goodbye.

The Real Silence

So much to talk about,
So much to say.
It seems all I can do
Is push you away.
Feeling the words
Nobody can hear
And nobody ever will
View every tear.

Losing the grasp
Of knowing the words
Growing into a silence
That nobody heard.
Understanding the cries
Of others in here,
Wondering if they too
Are full of fear.

So much to tell you-
My fear is a block,
Pushing you away,
And nothing can stop.
Two Silence victims
Attempting to reach
Each other through the gap
They don't know how to breach.

It's the Silence all right
We leave with no regret,
Turn away from them
Because we forget
How to break Silence
With question and truth -
That we were in the Silence;
Soon we lose all the proof.

Sometimes I wonder
As I reach out to space
And grasp empty air
To fill my embrace
How to break Silence
And break out of it.
Can God fill the Silence
And enveloping, fit?

What can You do?
Who can reach out?
Where are Your Hands
To empty this drought?
Why am I in Silence?
Will they always forget?
What it's like to be here
To be dry, not dew-wet?

Where are You in the Silence
In the darkness and space?
Where are Your Arms
To fill my empty embrace?
Take from me longing,
Take from me will
Fill me with Thyself,
And make me be still...

Where are You?