Steps

One step forward and ten steps back.
Of faith in God is there a lack?
A refusal to follow Him complete
To trust Him with all my needs?
Yesterday now seems, oh, so black.
I took one step forwards and ten steps back.

One step forward, ten steps back.
The veneer of confidence begins to crack.
God shows idolatry, unforgiveness within;
He's convicting me of all my sins.
Fearing the mirror, I begin to run -
One step forwards means ten steps gone.

One step forwards and ten steps back.
A burden grows heavier as I'm laid on the rack.
Crucifying self is no easy thing;
To the foot of the Cross, my guilt I must bring.
Surrending all areas - I must - it's a fact.
Or it's one step forwards and ten steps back.

Jane Johnson
31/10/10

Auf Wiedersehn

Why am I writing something grand
So people will want to read?
After all, who cares of the heart
That's scratching for words while it bleeds?
Who cares of the struggle to find a rhyme
To make it poetic and pretty?
Who cares of the agony that lies beneath,
That creates a nice little ditty?

A poem of friendship, a sad little story
A heartbreak lies beneath.
Grow up, will you, and see a soul,
Of pain and distrust and grief.
Look at me and see my soul
It's crawling, waiting to be kicked.
Just look down and aim the blow.
It's the waiting makes me feel sick.

Oh, come on. This was coming long ago.
Just open your eyes and see.
That the sheer patheticness of life
Is a cause of agony.
Sure, we should sit back,
Take pleasure and passivity with pain.
I'm sorry; I can't go through that.
Surely you see I can't do it again.

I'm a bundle of emotions I don't understand.
Mistrust, agony and fear.
Of wanting to go where I don't want to go,
Of learning to stop shedding tears.
I want all the pain to stop; I don't care how,
It will hurt when I kick the door shut.
Will it hurt if I leave it open more, than
If I slam it now and lock it up?

Open your eyes, my soul is before you.
I'm tired of playing with words.
Hear me now as I speak my uncertainty,
In no uncertain terms.
Would you see why I must hurt myself and you
In a battle I'd rather not undergo?
After all, a friendship's replaceable.
Let's just wave goodbye and let go.

Let go, never to talk any more.
Let go, never to chat.
Let go, never to know how life goes.
Somehow that seems, oh, so flat.
The pain and mistrust and doubt
Is something I can't cope with right now.
Trying to pretend everything's all right,
Makes it even worse, somehow.

So knowing we're doing a good shot
In the long run; to make it right.
We really ought to make up our minds,
And with a shaky goodbye, wave goodnight.
It's easier for future, for past and for now,
To let go before we get bitter.
Goodbye, dear friend, God bless, au revior,
I run away before you see my tears glitter.

Autumn

The vibrant colours fade from the petals,
Brown holes grow as they start to die.
The golden leaves grow brown, then black;
Veins protrude as they wither and fly.
The trees release their heavy loads,
Lift their bare arms to the sky.
The earth looks barren, subdued and cold -
Its heart a reflection of mine.

Seasons come with sparkle and silence
Stealing a march to December.
Time and again, the summer is followed
By autumn to the year's cold embers.
Why does the spirit of man change so?
Why are we as fluctuating as weather?
Why does the first sign of grief or pain
Send us flying behind a shield of never?

Never again will I face this pain,
Never deal with it or learn to accept.
I know that if I don't take the pain
My growth will be stunted; my life a regret.
But I have dealt with induced pain before,
It took a year to heal the deep wound.
I can't take any more right now -
The scars from the last are too recent, too soon.

Sitting on the edge of the lake,
Watching the ripples on the surface,
Studying the intrinsicate beauty
Of leaves dancing a colourful race.
I remember that I have been saved
From a fate on earth worse than death.
But still hangs over my mind
The shining sharp blade; I catch my breath.

I'm trying the rock loud and heavy,
It's not working to ease the pain.
Oh no! God, please come and save me.
I can't stoop to that again.
The evil laughter from my past comes closer
Waves the image in front of my eyes.
"You went there; you can again,
Don't hide in a mock up of pride."

The wind rushes over my hair,
Blowing strands in front of my eyes.
A sunlight beam causes a glitter;
I look up in silent surprise.
I know God is standing there before me.
Somehow I didn't expect Him that near.
Nor did I think He'd come right now,
As I'm lost in my guilt and my fear.

I only have to look into His eyes,
So tender, so suffering in empathy.
And glance at the wounds in His hands and side...
And I can understand His agony.
He suffered in person and soul and mind
He went through all that He had to go,
To stop me from raising that glint edged knife
To prevent me from ever falling so low.

There's only the options of fighting my fear,
And stooping to torture myself once more.
But as soon as the chat screen opens out
Logic flees and emotions come rushing out raw.
I eye the knife and pursue the rock
And drench my pillow with tears at night.
There's only the options of block and delete,
Or suffering deeply and continuing to fight.

The autumn of friendship is waning fast,
The storm clouds roll rumbling overhead.
The gusts of wind strike the trembling leaves
Blowing them apart, into miniscule shreds.
The storms of life beat helplessly on
The one grounded solidly in the Rock of Christ.
I'm still insecure, still wandering back.
Still incapable of security, try as I might.

I know I should surrender my sorrow to Him,
My pain, my deep fear, my mistrust.
The autumn of friendship paces rapidly on,
The memories will soon fade to dust.
A close friendship can vanish and memories dim,
The person once so close become shadow,
This is the way I have chosen to go.
This is the way of tomorrow.

A Passionate Prayer

Lord, grant that I may be
A conduit; empty of self completely.
Take everything of myself away;
Fill me with You in Your entirety.

Pour Your Spirit upon me
Within me; fill me - fill me!
Teach me of Thyself, Thy glory and purity.
Lose me within the blessed radiance of Your presence.

Fix my heart and mind on You - guard them,
Enable me to do it! Teach me
And lead me in Thy ways. Bring me
To the point where I reflect only Your blazing purity.

Burn me with Your passion.
Cleanse me of my vile impurities.
Make me willing to put You - You Alone!
First in my heart and life above these wretched idols.

Lord, if only the better part of me -
The part which You have cleansed
And in which You dwell and control -
Would forever sway the entirety of my life!

I have run my life
Downhill, into failure, disappointment,
Dark gloom, deep despair.
Lord, take over the complete control!

If only my feeble tongue could express
The passionate longing of my heart
To be possessed by Thy Holy Spirit,
To follow You in the path of Your calling.

Gone is the desire for 'my' calling.
It is as dry dust in my mouth.
Any calling is a gift from Thee -
Never, never mine. For I am Yours, and the gift is Yours.

Lord, remove these idols from my heart
Which place the burdens, gifts,
Friends, passions, visions,
Before spending time revelling in Thy Word and Presence.

Take away my bitterness,
Hatred, arrogance, deep resentment, painful heart.
None of these reflect You, my Father.
I cannot dwell in the Light of Your Presence with them.

I am powerless to change myself.
I gave myself just as I am to You.
Only You can make me something.
Only You can burn the poisoned wound and make me in Your image.

Teach me how to love
With Your love; not the world's.
Teach me to love the unlovely.
Help me to love far beyond myself and for no motive but Thine.

I tried to change so often, but everytime,
I would climb four steps and fall back, ever deeper.
I thought I had to reach the acceptable level
Of sin, before You would reach to touch me.

Why could I not see that You only
Reach out to the vilest of the vile?
To the lowest of the low, to those who no longer
Have any hope, any faith, any love, anywhere to turn?

You humbled me, brought me to the knowledge
Of where I was when You brought me
Face to face with the lowest point of my highest standard.
A boyfriend for the queen of purity.

You showed me that where others had fallen
I could also go. I wept and hated myself
For I was not what I was - I had fallen.
I forgot to seek Your face, and had adopted false humility.

You brought a long lost friend
Back into my life. He showed me
That I needed not to change myself,
For that was impossible. I needed to love.

To love? How? I questioned over and over.
I could not understand. I still cannot.
I prayed for God to teach me how to love.
Not with my love, but with His love.

He brought people into my life
Who were going through almost exactly what
I had just passed through. The darkness,
The hatred, the despair, the poison, the influence.

I pitied, I wept, I identified. But
Not as myself. But as He. For He loves them.
And because of this, He enabled me to see them
Through His eyes. And I could also see me.

As dust, dirt and ashes. Vile, repugnant, intractable.
He sees the miniscule specks He created
But He pities our weakness, remembers we are dust...
And He loves us still, waiting for us to come - as we are.

I could not change myself. They cannot,
And they cannot see that God only wants the muck.
Until we are worthless, crawling heaps, and we
See ourselves as we are - He cannot use us at all.

In striving after Christ, Lord, never
Never let me be confident in self
Pretending that is of Thee. Let me always
Remember my weakness, constantly fleeing to Thy side.

Teach me how to show those whom Thou hast given to me,
With their vulnerable trust and their aching hearts,
Teach them Thy love. Ah Lord, I cannot still understand
How You brought me out. But teach them, that they might also return.

Help me to be open and honest with them,
To be cruel, yet kind, where they need a surgeon.
Give me the wisdom that is Thine to speak what I should.
Grant me the grace to be loving and patient.

Open my heart and mind to the knowledge
And experience and understanding of Your love.
Help me to see Thy pattern and to set
My own as mentor, mother, sister, supporter after Thine own.

Fill me with Your Holy Spirit.
Crush my pride of individuality, and
Possess me completely, to the point that no one
Can see me at all. Ever. But only Thy glory in me.

Make me willing to die to self, that
This crumbling monument to grace may
Be completely willing to kill its tiny individuality
To identify with the few and bear the weight of reflecting Thyself.

Lord, I do not just wish to reflect You
I want to be possessed of You that the world may know
That You are in me. That I am in You.
Explode Your love throughout my being, that I may love as You have loved me.

Lord, my words are feeble, and my fingers stumble
As I write these words. This impassioned plea.
I long to be dead to myself, the world, and sin.
Lord, use me as a feeble monument to Thy glory
That I may, in however tiny a way, be simply a pointer to Christ.

Chris

I'm not intellectual, logical, bright,
I've got an A Level, so that's all right.
But right now when talking to a friend who is lost -
For a brain like his I'd exchange a lot.

He makes me feel tiny, incredibly small.
Thick, stupid and clumsy, running at his call.
He understands books, logic, the universe.
But the way he sees it, it's all in reverse.

How can I show him? Oh, how can he see
A truth he denies - God's infallability?
Lord, why don't I have a brain to match his?
Instead of being me with a mind full of fizz?

His logic is awesome - his mind defies
The logic of logic, retaining it inside.
Trying to understand, I can't help but retreat
Can I carry on loving him? This won't him beat.

God is Love - therefore I love him, though coldness defies
How can I reach his too logical mind?
Can Love break a barrier? I don't understand.
For now, I am looking back down at the ground.