Understand?

I hope You understand
That I'm too tired to hold my ground
And when in my own might,
I try to fight for right.
It's not that I'm picking
The best path to the only Truth
It's only that I'm trying
To get closer, Lord, to You.
It's often I go wrong
The good influences are weak.
I try to stay where You placed me.
Like I was told.
But Lord, I keep going wrong,
And I know, but I'm too tired.
And You leave me to stand alone.
It seems. I feel.
I hope You understand
That I'm too tired to understand.

S.G-J.
04/09/15

Who Am I?

Who can I talk to?
Who cares to see
The desperate, broken
Part of me?

Who can I talk to?
Where can I go?
Only a rhetoric
Which stops the flow.

Who can I talk to?
A heart broken that bleeds
So many blessings
So many needs

Who can I talk to?
What will I become?
The ones I did talk to
From them I now run.

Who can I talk to?
Those that do care
Can only repeat
What I know and have shared.

Who can I talk to?
The guys I did trust -
Fell in love or have left
All fallen to dust.

Who can I talk to?
"Trust God, t'will be well."
"Curse God and die."
Somewhere hope fell.

Confused, alone
Lost in the mist
Reaching to silence
Tears at the twist

Who can I turn to?
Where is my Home?
Heaven rejects me
Earth makes me roam.

Who can I talk to?
Stability please...
Never asked for stagnation
Lowered standards with ease

Why do they leave me?
What can they see?
Why do they romance me?
Please leave it be.

Who can I talk to?
What will fill
The hole in my heart
Making me so ill?

From Doctor to Dalek...
The clock's striking late.
Subtract all love
Leaves empty - not hate?

The hole must be filled
With what? Must be thick...
I've forcefed it God,
Now it's making me sick.

I know He's the cure,
Confused as I sound.
What I don't know is how
Why silence is found.

God, You're my life,
My love and my joy,
But You won't fill this hole -


I've run out of words,
You'll be glad to hear.
Now all that is left -
"Who am I? Why am I here?"

Why flow the tears
And nothing is found?
Why in this storm
Is there no solid ground?

Where are my standards?
Gone to the grave
With the mockers that mocked
And despised to save.

I'm going, going, gone
A bidder there will be.
Maybe someone can glue together
What remains of me.

The Three S-Musketeers

The three musketeers went out today
They took their dogs and went to play.
Their names were Stephanie and Sarah and Sian
The three S's, they were known, on their way to harm.
For forging ahead, through mud and the rain
They found massive stingers about to cause pain.
The nettles were thick, the zapping was sure
And the weeds, they grew thicker as we fought some more.

Sarah took Pippin and marched through the grass...
As Stephanie screamed and Sian came last.
For spiders and wasps was all Stephanie could see
And she finally freaked out at being stung by a bee.
The brave Musketeers - turn back? Oh, not they.
For back was as bad, and they were halfway.
The unknown was better than what they knew they would face
And they were armed with dogs and leads, but no mace.

The chitter and chatter became screams and howls...
When finally Sian said, "There's no more - uncowl!"
They stopped to administer the dock leaves on sores...
And Sarah commented, "The air smells of...more."
Stephanie looked down at the stains on the ground..
And said "Oh my gosh. It's blood that you've found!"
Brave Sian-Sherlock-Holmes took one sniff and she said,
"Let's get out; I'm not stopping" and she turned and fled.

They realised soon that the red stains were mud...
Then found that the squelch was even worse than blood.

As they headed back home after their long adventure
They decided to name-change to avoid people's censure.
And now Sarah, gallant Athos has become.
Melancholy swordsman and noble in one.
Stephanie the character of Aramis takes,
As she has romantic heart in the make.
Sian has adopted Porthos the Round,
And baldrics and poetry besides she has found.

The Three Musketeers salute you all
Now that the Three S's are no more!

Demon Child with Demon Eyes

Demon eyes, demon child.
What's inside that makes you wild?
What's the thing that they all see?
That evil twisted part of me.
Freaky face with mouth of lies -
Demon child with demon eyes.

"Don't defile God's handiwork!
Stop claiming that there's only mirk."
Am I really? How can I be
When that's all you claim to see in me?
Forget the fight to try for good.
Apparently that's only crud.
All you see is Demon child,
Perhaps it wakes all your 'defiled'.

I hate this twisted poetry.
It only comes out in agony.
But what do they care? They laugh and scorn -
Other hearts will bleed and mourn.
It's near impossible to tell
Who's from heaven with their echoes of hell.
Gossip-grieve, they bury the corpse
Of Demon child they killed with thoughts.

When sin is birthed, then it is death.
I was slain on their whispered breath.
Their 'loving concern' behind my back -
So like the Master, isn't that?
Forget the good - and who will be
The first to throw a stone at me?
Throw her back to the darkness - you'll see
Only Demon child inside of me.

The devil's near to claiming his prize -
She's overcome by Demon eyes.





In constant war you cannot see,
There's death that lives and life killed for me.
You don't care, but I am free.
I'm God's own child. He died for me.
I don't have logic or wisdom or words.
My head is stupid and my love is cursed.
But somehow, there's One Who lives for me.
I'm God's. I'm loved. I'm safe. I'm free.

Tick, Tock

Tick, tock.
Tick, tock.
Listen to the little clock.
Telling us the time has come
To go to sleep.

Close your eyes and listen hard.
Another second has gone by.
A clock chimes out as you sit and stare
Another note floating in the air.
Reaching up to grasp it
But it's flown way up high...

You talk and laugh and wonder
What your life will be like.
But with careless gaiety
And ceaseless verbosity
As you're waiting for life to begin
You're already taking the hike.

The minutes that are ticking by
Are the ones you must count right now.
For those tickings are the seconds
That form the chains and bonds
That make your life what it is
What you reap is what you sow.

Don't while away the hours
In endless dreams-to-be
Now is the time worth grasping
For it's the only one sure of having.
You can hope for the future but don't
Forget to use now faithfully.

Cuckoo, cuckoo!
Little bird is telling you -
'Close your eyes, another night -
And go to sleep.'


Nursery Rhyme ~ Unknown
In between ~ Jane Johnson

Broken Life

When you're sitting on the ground and ashes are falling round,
You look up, blinking against the light, and wonder at the sound
For in the soft and crumbly snowing grey is the sound of music
And your choice is to take it in, or wrap up and refuse it...

It's hard to explain, in the emptiness of life's dreams,
Sitting, staring at the walls, so stark and bare and clean;
The colour's gone and they are empty; torn shreds hanging on the nails...
You wonder how the smile begins and sit to write the tale...

For it's a broken life, full of so many smashed up things,
A father, brother, lover gone; how can you find the hope to sing?
The question is not why, you see, but how these things can be.
I know the why - that's because of God, Who always has been holding me.

Surrounded by the prayers of many, lifted on the wings of faith,
I raise my voice in song and find the strength to smile again.
The miracle of the overcomer is somehow in my soul,
And deep within my heart I know that God will someday make me whole.

For it's a broken life, full of so many smashed up things.
But each day there's God, Who always a new hope can bring.
It's where your eyes are fixed, what your ears hear that count...
Can your eyes see only ashes, or can you hear the song that calls the dance?

Dumb Stuff

I don't know why I must always be
Or find you close, right next to me.
I do not know the reason why
As far as I go, this unbroken tie
Keeps bringing me home to you.

I don't understand why I'm like ivy
Closely bound around a tree.
And every time the tree goes away
Half of me's empty and I can only pray
That I'll come home to you.

The skies are grey; rain's falling fast.
And hope is in my heart at last
That God has been good and heard my tears
Through the agony of these years.
And I'll come home to you.

Hear this live as it was written.

Too Dirty to Love

I wonder why you can't love me.
I guess it's cause I'm dirty.
I guess it's cause I'm so broken
I can't be lovable.
Other guys love me
And they fight over me
And would each give their right hand
To have what you're running from.
They tell me to forget you
To forget each other.

My profession should be whore.
And keeping truth back is my trade.
I'm so dirty and so broken.
I guess that's why you can't love me.
I wish you would protect me.
By only asking me to wait.
But you won't cause it messes with your life.
And now you've left me.

I guess it was my fault all along.
Physical and emotional disconnected
And I'm leaving broken hearts
In the trail of my own stormy life.
I beg God for a protector
And He gave my heart to you
But not yours to me.
I guess that's my fault.
I'm too dirty and too broken
For you to love.

At least Christ found me
Something worth loving.

A Man and His Woman

So I was thinking about the bonds that hold a Christian marriage together... :P In specifics, in relation to this poem, what a woman means to a man.
Guys feel free to correct me. ;)


A man needs a playmate.
A man needs a friend.
A man needs a lover
Who will love to life's end.
He needs someone weak
To help him be strong,
That looks to him for guidance
And support all life long.

Her heart is so fragile
He shields it with love.
A choice that he's choosing;
God's gift from above.
Her choice to respect him
Though she wants her own way,
Make sacrificial living
Love's choice every day.

Her weakness his reason
To try and be strong;
Her trust is unchanging
Even when he goes wrong.
Together they point
Each other to Christ;
The foundation of love
For the rest of their lives.

SMASHED

Love is full of emptiness.
Life is naught but pain.
Tears turn to sighing til
The tears come again.
Great rough hacking sobs
Uncontrollable
A heart bleeding and breaking
And it's unstoppable.

A love given and fought for,
Two years of history.
Betrayed and cleansed, forgiven -
A painful memory.
She said she'd never regret it
The hardest path she chose
And now the path is ended
The thornbush and no rose.

They think, now the tie is broke
The heart drops to the nearest hand.
Confident and eager
Painting pictures grand.
I chose the hardest path
Years of screams and sobs and tears
Of nightmares, dreams and loneliness,
Falling midst my fears.

I've seen a love I will ne'er possess
I've seen God's heart here.
This the only thing that stops
Regret of treading there.
My heart is his, my love is his
I can't turn so free away.
This is not a child's whim.
I'm a woman - this is no play.

I scream my sobs and anguish
And quote Scripture til I'm blue.
Reminding God of Job
Quoting Psalm 22.
I stop and silence falls
No whispers explaining why.
There's naught but sorrow in my heart
And darkness in the sky.

For there's no tomorrow
There's no joy to come.
The path of pain is wasted
No love's labours won.
Why must I always love
Where I can never be loved?
Why must those always love me
Who can never be beloved?

I keep thinking it must be ending
Nothing else could hurt me now.
What a laugh - the thing most precious
Is gone and I don't know how.
My heart's smashed down in pieces -
Please leave my love alone.
This is bitterness, not triumph.
It is not some dog's bone.

So I sit in silence
Make a new girl from the old.
Someone else must rise to take
Her place; one strong and bold.
Three years now in reversal.
Feminism takes my hand.
Men, begone and leave me.
God and me - this is my stand.


~Sian Grey