The Greater Gifts

It's hard to tell the reason why
The tear tracks on my face,
When I'm feeling, oh, so near
The power of His grace.
Viewing different photographs,
Clicking on a name,
Scrolling down a chat list,
And holding back the pain.


Pain and peace strangely combined
As never have been before.
My mind is clearing and my heart
Is growing, learning more.
Seeking God, to know His will,
And wondering at this path.
The road I'd cried to never travel
Has come to me at last.


A tender, merciful, gentle Hand,
Is inexorably
Calling me to walk a road
On which I fear to be.
A love not gone, to be refined
And purified from sin,
Can only be kept and restored
By growing close to Him.


So terrified to walk the road
Of my Gethsemane
And afraid, much to my shame,
Of what makes Calvary.
The sacrifice He will require
Will it be all my dreams?
Or will the future be restored,
My love return to me?


Somewhere in the memories
And lost in depths of time,
Has come to light an ancient verse
Of poetry and rhyme.
It speaks of dying unto self,
The greatest death to live,
It tells of loving so much more
That one lets go to live.


It concludes with this final phrase
That preaches love to me.
A life to Christ, a love to Christ,
To grow in sanctity.
"A cross, a bleeding heart, a crown,
What greater gifts are given?
Be still, my heart, and murmur not.
These are the keys of Heaven."

Awe-Love

Face all glowing,
Heartbeat slowing,
Eyes are soft with wonderment.
Uncontrollable smile,
Lingers a long while,
Light dizzying when the darkness went.

Can't comprehend
Love with no end
Unconditional, it will always forgive.
Reach out trembling hand
Grasping solid, not sand.
Perhaps now my broken heart can live.

Never The End

When you start, you never think
Of all the scars that it will leave.
With the blade across your skin,
You only think pain to relieve.
You never wanted to be addicted,
You thought of only living now,
While you survived, your heart was wounded
And Satan smiled and took a bow.

To cure your hurting heart, you turned
To the Father of Lies, not the Voice of Truth.
You don't want the Loser to win, but how
Is this winning when you're using him to beat him?

A scar on your arm, and a friend scrawls a verse
Joshua 1:9- Be strong and courageous.
You see it when you close your eyes,
Try to believe - but Truth's outrageous.
You wanted to be the person who's strong,
You wanted people to see that God's with you.
You wanted to live your life bold and a witness
You wanted to believe what God says is true.

You have a future, don't use past tense.
It's not wantED - it's WANT; with God, you can live.
You never lose everyone that you love.
You can never lose God; trust Him and believe.

No matter the lies you've been believing
Reach out behind the veil and grasp
The Hand of God, which has been bleeding
And waiting for this moment - at last.
It doesn't matter if you can't see
Beyond the mist of pain and doubt
God holds the cloth He has been weaving
Learn to trust by loving out...

Learn to trust by loving out.


Written by Sian Garner-Jones
Inspired by and dedicated to Kristin Dodd

Collapse

Take all the pressure and suddenly
You can't any more.
Your body starts caving and your mind blanks
And you realise you're through.
And still they come,
The people who need you.
Need the strength, the support you give.
And you look up, and take God's Hand,
And somehow find the strength to give.

When you're lying there with your body
Completely limp.
Typing and trying to be cheerful
And suddenly everyone's gone.
You wonder how to carry on.
And find the strength outside of yourself
To drag one foot
In front of the other.
To stumble down the street mouthing the songs.

Then when you realise that at long last
Maybe you're dying.
And you smile, relief, and hope faintly.
And they say you're selfish.
Suddenly you're too weary even to die.
Survival, they say, is wrong.
You should be LIVING!
I wish they were me, to try and live.
To try and tread lightly instead of trudge the street.

Trust broken, they've gone again.
You study humans.
And you realise they think you're fine
Until something cracks or you say you're not.
Then pride lifts your head
And you vow that if people don't care to come
Unless you call
You won't call.
Not now. Not ever.

They've left me with God as my only real Friend.
Who knows me completely and still loves me.
And they wonder why
I'm slowly starting to switch off humans.
And dislike company.
Unless I'm helping someone.
Me, and my laptop, and the silence.
Can't stand the chatter anymore.
Growing to love the silence.

I wonder why it hurts.

Slammed Doors

You learn to deal with abnormality
So long that it becomes normality.
You smile serenely under the strain
And never realise all of the pain
Your face a single tear streaks,
Sudden a flood rolls down your cheeks.

Sitting here in silent sorrow
Told there's still a bright tomorrow.
You laugh and wonder why your eyes are dry,
Imagining safety where you weep and cry.
Listening to the sobs above,
So empty - despairing how to love.

A voice condemned, a fencepost sitter
Finds no comfort but only splinters.
The silence is silent and dark and cold
You wait to find the arms of God.
The only Friend but voiceless ones
Who long to share but cannot come.

Words to find, the wounds to tell
A mind blanks to form an hollow shell.
A life performed to bring some cheer,
But only sadness, no hope, you fear.
A step outside, vulnerability
A door is slammed, anonymity.

Left outside to the sound of weeping,
Where's the joy in your heart you're seeking?
People hurting, selfharming, that you care for so much,
Reach out and they're repelled by the touch.
Fight to the death for the hurt they're embracing.
So much of their lives they're erasing.

"You have no compassion for what I'm going through."
"Your eyes hold no comfort though your smile is true."
Maybe I don't know the hurt in your heart.
Maybe I don't share your grief from the start.
But open the door, allow me to linger.
And start accepting my hand, finger by finger.

What?

The darkness is coming
The shadows are near
The sheer icy fingers
Gripping me are named Fear.
Depression and doubt
And guilt and dread,
And shame and sorrow
To me are wed.

They say there's Light
In the Power of the Son.
They say there's Peace
When the battle is won.
Am I on the side
Of winners to gain?
Am I with the losers
In the downpour of rain?

Head that is spinning
With talking double at once.
Heart that is torn
With family and love.
Friendships in battle
And fear in the soul.
Wondering when
The wounds will be whole.

Eyes that are sadness
Eyes that are bright
Eyes that shine love
In the shadow of night.
Eyes that are reading
The pain that they see.
A heart that wants to
Help it all to cease.

A life that is restless,
Feet forced on a path.
Trying to ease heartbreak
With more caused at last.
Total surrender
The peace turns to hurt...
The mind becomes dull...
Pain makes it too alert.

Confusion...torn hearts...
Friends most disappear.
Coming and going
Like shadows each year.
Guilt that haunts
Collapse that comes
God, when will it end?
I just want to go home.

Then they come, say I'm wrong.
Say I should focus on now.
"Please stop being selfish."
And you're not selfish - how?
"We'd miss you so much."
Oh really? That's great.
Don't cry at my funeral,
For then it's too late.

"Depression and despair
All words it leaks through.
I'm always still praying.
We'll get through this too."
Heard it so often.
Repeat it right now.
And I'll laugh to scorn
At the millionth vow.

So God...You're still here.
I dance to Your call.
I walk through the silence...
Listen for Your footfall.
My heart rises at Your voice,
And dances in delight.
Thank You for being here
Making silence so bright.

Never alone.

Rap Rhythm

I wrote this one at work today while reading 2 Corinthians (thank you, Bethy. ;)) when three of the words jumped out at me. I already had a rap rhythm that I couldn't remember where from (but turns out to be Toby Mac) playing in my head, so...here. :P

The last two lines after the four verses are more sung and go a bit one into the other, the line before last said softly, then the last bit rappy again. :P

If anyone's in Christ, he's a new creation,
No more lost in condemnation
Headed for the wrath of God's damnation -
By the grace of God.

For Christ, since the world's foundation,
Became the Rock of our salvation
And undertook the reconciliation
Of mankind to God.

He bore the cross with no deliberation
From God endured sin's separation,
Life triumphed at the resurrection
And crushed eternal death.

Sin had chained us in frustration,
Lost and blind to our affliction,
So God became our liberation -
In God alone we stand.

So thank You, God, for all the love You have bestowed on us!
Thank You, Jesus, for Your unconditional love and mercy.

I am Yours.

To bring Light and liberty to every nation!


~Jane Johnson

Heavenly Hunger

How my heart hungers for the distant shore,
The day when faith is faith no more.
How my eyes strain and stream with tears
And look despairing, full of fears
And how my hands reach out for what they lack
There's no way forward and no way back.

As the body collapses and strain pulls taut,
It's easier to let go - who would have thought
That there could be such joy in looking to die?
Only guilt for the sorrow of those left behind.
But faced with a choice of an earthly tomorrow -
Oh God, please forgive my terrible sorrow!

I long for a husband and family home,
For small children to call his and my own.
I long for a future to reach out to others,
To bring love and healing to so many who suffer.
I want all the wrong things I've done to come right,
To help others out of the darkness to Light.

But far more at rest and peace in my soul
Is the hope that remains, cannot be cajoled
Into changing to the dream; can it be true?
Am I dying and so getting nearer to You?
As body collapses, dearest things grow away,
That Heaven is closer, I cannot but pray.

The rest and the joy and the light that it brings,
To think I'll soon sit at the feet of my King.
The past fade to nothing, the wrong all come right.
The veil torn asunder, and faith will be sight.
A poor feeble servant with nothing to give...
Just let me sit there and my soul - it will live.

Ten Minute Verbosity

Oh God, afflict me as often as Thou wouldst choose.
I care not for the burden if this is the way Thou wouldst use.
Sweet is the communion when I walk with Thee.
Oh God, how I long Thy face to see!
So delicate the lyrics on the tip of my tongue,
The chime, the note not yet been sung.
Bursting and bubbling, the melody
My heart raises to sing to Thee.
But speechless am I, and lost are the words.
For I've never found them to sing their verse.

Praises I would sing as I try to find
The words on the edge on the tip of my mind.
I'm looking at the sunset, the stars, the tress.
I feel the warmth, the touch of the breeze.
I look at the planes, I dream of the skies
I think of the past with tears in my eyes
I feel the burden, called to prayer and song.
This must be of Thee - I know I'm not wrong.

But God, where are the words I want to sing
To praise and glorify the King?
The phrases are old, the words aren't new.
There's something unspoken I want to tell You.
There's something in colours, the sunlit bright rays
There's something that calls my heart out to praise.
WHERE are the words I so want to find?
Why are they buried so deep down inside?
It's almost like an unknown tongue...
What will it take that from me they are wrung?

The sihouette of trees, birds nesting together
The smell of damp leaves, the tease of the heather.
The budding of spring, the minty green leaves,
I'm walking along as I'm watching all these.
And God, You are here, You're with me. I know.
Why does my heart long to see You so?
It's like there's a veil so close I can touch
I keep getting near, but never enough.
If I could just pull it aside, I know I would see
Your face and be changed inside all of me.
The evil would go, the light would come in
I'd be changed, I'd be new, there'd be You all within!
But where are the words Your praises to tell?
I feel so dumb, but I know it is well.

For You know the song so deep in my heart.
I guess You've known it right back from the start.
You know the praise Thy beauty inspires.
The touch of Your lips and my heart is on fire.
Melody discordant, how lovely to hear
To know the presence of God - that there's nothing to fear

As I'm walking home and I'm nearly there.
I guess this will have to speak in words of a prayer...
No peace in their lives or joy to be found...
For lost souls to be opened, for lost sheep to be found.
Oh God! You are God! You know my heart breaks.
How long til You answer? How long will it take?
I know You are here, You see all my tears.
Your heart breaks with me and You know all my fear.
And God, in return, You have given assurance
Of peace deep within....

And so I will sing and glorify Your name
And praise You as I can and tell of Your fame
And spread You abroad in a pitiful way,
You're God. You can use it at the end of the day!
Turning into my street...and what will I find?
Broken hearts, desperate eyes...so blind.
All of this is here for a reason. I know.
In Your infinite wisdom, You've decreed it so.
You've put me here, the pain to endure
I never would've known Your love so sure
If You hadn't brought me through this.
The inner serenity and bliss.

So tell out, my soul, the Lord's praises.
Fill your eyes with beauty and your hair with daisies!
Give out His love; with the pain - use it right.
He's coming through the darkness to break down the night.
So my trust is in God, my step firm and sure.
You are here, God. You are near.
Continue to allure, bring us into Your ways
Keep our hearts in Your steps
At the end of the day
There will be no regrets.
God, You will live forever, I know.
Forever and ever...
Your death united what no death can sever.

Pain and Change

I feel so speechless
Yet the words
Are pouring through my head.
Finally the heart of the matter
Has been opened,
And I begin to see.

The fog is so thick
So blinding
Unclear and grey and hazy.
Put out my hands and fall.
Someone catches me
And helps me through the night.

It's like...a door...
With a key lost
Fumbling frantically to find it.
Like an oozing sore...
That I know the pain but
Cannot find the source.

Suddenly a cry to God
And He answers
In a flash, when least expected.
Flashes of truth
Pierce the darkness with shards
Of radiant hope and glorious light.

I start to comprehend
Little things that
Never made sense to me before.
Been coming for weeks
And only now
Can I understand the change coming.

The biggest since
I chose love
Over running away from it.
That's why the demons
Are fighting so hard
To stop me now. Because they know.

So does God
In Whom I trust.
So do those leading me.
I can't see. But I know
He won't let go.
Teach me Thy paths.

Purify. No matter the cost.