A Broken Cry

This poem was written back in September 2014 when I was still trying to process the loss of the man I loved.

"Where are You in the darkness?
Are You hearing me?
Can You see my falling tears
For all I've failed to be?
The mess ups of my present
And the failures of my past...
It constantly affects me
And the pain, it always lasts.

I beg of You to hear me
And this miracle to perform,
But my doubts are rising higher
About the stilling of this storm.
The hole is never ending,
The hurt will rise and fall,
And the one through whom I saw Your grace -
Tell me this is not Your soul.

For if the love I saw as Yours
That came from him to me
Is representative of Your grace -
Then it has failed me.

Lord, teach me how to see Your face,
Failed as his love has been.
And may I come to know this clear -
Lord Jesus, step between."

Start Again

I lie on the bed
Scanning idly on my phone
Listening to the noise outside.
So much to do
What can I do?
They're louder when I'm alone,
Those voices in my head.

I will achieve nothing.
This is my life.
I am lazy; I am selfish; I want attention.
This is what they say.
What can I say?
For all I know, they're right.
My life is as useless as they're saying.

I should get up, go out
Make my life something worth living.
Stop being a burden, start being a helpmeet.
They seep despair
And I despair.
What's the point in living?
There's nothing that I'm giving
To prove what life's about.

I grit my teeth, get up,
For I still have a life and breath.
I have to start again, when I know I'll mess up again.
God wants me to honour Him.
How is this honouring to Him?
My inner screaming makes me deaf;
Can't I just give up?

I'm a fighter - music tracks play once again,
But why does everything I touch in this life fail?
The privileges I have seen unfair to some
Because why do I feel this way when I have them?
What can I do?
Must make it through.
That's all there is to this tale.
Get up, fight on, win through this pain.
And start again.

The Bitter Truth/The Congregation of June

Posting pictures in glee
Never thinking about who sees, only that you're happy.
That's good. I'm glad you're happy.
But I don't want to see. I don't want the ghosts
Dancing through my memories again.
The things I tried to be. The things I was. The thing I became.
Your making.
Oh no, of course...you look at what I've become,
And smile and shake your head and walk away.
It only took a man to make me happy, you think.
Now she's better, now she's complete. Her life
Can move on.
Move on?
How can I move on
When every day, every other day
Your faces and names and now, your photos
Flit through my head and sudden memory, sharp memory...no.
I have to tell myself out loud, to stop -
At work, on the train, everywhere I am.
Because of what you did.
Some of you loved me, love me still,
And I try to love back but I can't
Not as fully as I once could,
Because of the damage.
I can't trust.
I don't know who did this to me, but the ones I know did -
I'm mentally ill, you said. You kicked me out without mercy
Because of what you thought of me.
You never let me speak for myself.
It was weighed in the balance against me, without me.
You judged me without mercy.
And as I, hurt, lashed back,
You rushed my leaving with all assistance necessary,
Cut me out of your lives.
You think a "Congrats" on my wedding photo
Can heal the damage you caused?
You think the tears running down my face now, burning my cheeks,
Are selfish, induced by pride, or - what?
I didn't want to hear why you judged me, and to this day
I don't know why.
Still not sure I want to know why
Three years on.
Because you thought I was mentally ill?
You pushed me to the brink. I still remember
So sharp, so clear,
The days after you told me, Don't come again.
And the day after I found out the one who hated me most married into your family.
You pushed me to a knife's edge.
A day didn't pass where I didn't want to die.
You kicked me out of the haven I had entered into the pain of the reality.
I knew, with the part of my mind that was sharply clear struggling feebly against the fog of pain,
That I could kill those who hurt me without a shadow of remorse.
That scared me.
You caused it.
Because I self-harmed? Did I EVER encourage anyone to be what I was?
Did I try to point them to Christ? Ask them!
Ask those who I tried to help. Watched me struggle. Lifted me up.
All I wanted to be was honest.
You kicked me out.
Every day I have to deal with my emotions.
Hatred
Fear
Anger
Rage
Most of all hatred, against the few I know who wronged me and against whoever you shielded.
And against you.
You abandoned me.
Self-preservation? I'm glad Jesus thought of that first.
Every day I have to deal with the knowledge
That I know I'm sinning by hating you all so much.
I'm getting better
Fitting my life around the cracks like you never were, like you were all
Some distant planet.
More the better. I wish you were.
Wish I didn't have to see the photos and know what you did sting me like salt in a fresh wound
Again.
And again.
I cannot forgive you.
I ask Christ to help me forgive you - not for your sake. For mine and my relationship with Him.
And I ask that my attitude towards you changes, because right now, if we're both in Heaven,
I want to be at the furthest end away from you.
Every other night my poor husband is woken
By my kicks or crying out
Because you cross my dreams
Again and again.
I can't let go. And I'm trying so hard.
I wish I'd never joined your group, in some ways.
But I made some friends, good friends, who stuck.
Even if you thought I wasn't worth you.
So as you pour all your work and love and effort into the kids and adults you thought were "worth it",
I hope the ghosts of the rejects haunt you.
I hope my ghost haunts you.
I hope the pain you cost me haunts you.
Until, pray God, I find the grace to forgive you.
And then, maybe, I can find the courage to ask you to forgive me, for this.

To Love Anew

I am incredibly crap at poetry which steps outside of the usual rhythm. Forgive my wanderings into this. :P

I told you I loved you yesterday
And smiled at your reaction.
It seemed you had been waiting
In long and silent anxiousness
For those words.

The lady who saw us holding hands -
She had a degree, a successful career.
Her husband called her names
In public - bitch and ugly and she laughed
But her pain was so clear in her eyes.

How long have you been together?
It seemed another phrasing for
How long will you stay like this?
How long will the romance stay -
Us holding hands?

She told us her story with a smile
And hungry eyes and then left.
Then we went and I said to you -
I will always respect you -
Don't ever do that to me.

I told you then I loved you.
You said your heart beat faster.
I smiled and wondered -
Do you know what it means
To say that?

It's not just that I trust you
Or that I feel safe around you.
It's that I am making a choice -
A commitment, if you will, to leave
The past behind.

I still love him, I told you;
Maybe always will.
You said you want your own place
In my heart, and this is me
Letting you in.

I am committing to no more waiting
No more hoping, no more holding on.
I am committing to fighting anew
A war for you, for me and you.
To love forever.

And I know what stands in the way.
I know how much is about to hit us.
But I hope and pray you will stay.
That God will be with us.
I pray.

Understand?

I hope You understand
That I'm too tired to hold my ground
And when in my own might,
I try to fight for right.
It's not that I'm picking
The best path to the only Truth
It's only that I'm trying
To get closer, Lord, to You.
It's often I go wrong
The good influences are weak.
I try to stay where You placed me.
Like I was told.
But Lord, I keep going wrong,
And I know, but I'm too tired.
And You leave me to stand alone.
It seems. I feel.
I hope You understand
That I'm too tired to understand.

S.G-J.
04/09/15

Who Am I?

Who can I talk to?
Who cares to see
The desperate, broken
Part of me?

Who can I talk to?
Where can I go?
Only a rhetoric
Which stops the flow.

Who can I talk to?
A heart broken that bleeds
So many blessings
So many needs

Who can I talk to?
What will I become?
The ones I did talk to
From them I now run.

Who can I talk to?
Those that do care
Can only repeat
What I know and have shared.

Who can I talk to?
The guys I did trust -
Fell in love or have left
All fallen to dust.

Who can I talk to?
"Trust God, t'will be well."
"Curse God and die."
Somewhere hope fell.

Confused, alone
Lost in the mist
Reaching to silence
Tears at the twist

Who can I turn to?
Where is my Home?
Heaven rejects me
Earth makes me roam.

Who can I talk to?
Stability please...
Never asked for stagnation
Lowered standards with ease

Why do they leave me?
What can they see?
Why do they romance me?
Please leave it be.

Who can I talk to?
What will fill
The hole in my heart
Making me so ill?

From Doctor to Dalek...
The clock's striking late.
Subtract all love
Leaves empty - not hate?

The hole must be filled
With what? Must be thick...
I've forcefed it God,
Now it's making me sick.

I know He's the cure,
Confused as I sound.
What I don't know is how
Why silence is found.

God, You're my life,
My love and my joy,
But You won't fill this hole -


I've run out of words,
You'll be glad to hear.
Now all that is left -
"Who am I? Why am I here?"

Why flow the tears
And nothing is found?
Why in this storm
Is there no solid ground?

Where are my standards?
Gone to the grave
With the mockers that mocked
And despised to save.

I'm going, going, gone
A bidder there will be.
Maybe someone can glue together
What remains of me.

The Three S-Musketeers

The three musketeers went out today
They took their dogs and went to play.
Their names were Stephanie and Sarah and Sian
The three S's, they were known, on their way to harm.
For forging ahead, through mud and the rain
They found massive stingers about to cause pain.
The nettles were thick, the zapping was sure
And the weeds, they grew thicker as we fought some more.

Sarah took Pippin and marched through the grass...
As Stephanie screamed and Sian came last.
For spiders and wasps was all Stephanie could see
And she finally freaked out at being stung by a bee.
The brave Musketeers - turn back? Oh, not they.
For back was as bad, and they were halfway.
The unknown was better than what they knew they would face
And they were armed with dogs and leads, but no mace.

The chitter and chatter became screams and howls...
When finally Sian said, "There's no more - uncowl!"
They stopped to administer the dock leaves on sores...
And Sarah commented, "The air smells of...more."
Stephanie looked down at the stains on the ground..
And said "Oh my gosh. It's blood that you've found!"
Brave Sian-Sherlock-Holmes took one sniff and she said,
"Let's get out; I'm not stopping" and she turned and fled.

They realised soon that the red stains were mud...
Then found that the squelch was even worse than blood.

As they headed back home after their long adventure
They decided to name-change to avoid people's censure.
And now Sarah, gallant Athos has become.
Melancholy swordsman and noble in one.
Stephanie the character of Aramis takes,
As she has romantic heart in the make.
Sian has adopted Porthos the Round,
And baldrics and poetry besides she has found.

The Three Musketeers salute you all
Now that the Three S's are no more!

Demon Child with Demon Eyes

Demon eyes, demon child.
What's inside that makes you wild?
What's the thing that they all see?
That evil twisted part of me.
Freaky face with mouth of lies -
Demon child with demon eyes.

"Don't defile God's handiwork!
Stop claiming that there's only mirk."
Am I really? How can I be
When that's all you claim to see in me?
Forget the fight to try for good.
Apparently that's only crud.
All you see is Demon child,
Perhaps it wakes all your 'defiled'.

I hate this twisted poetry.
It only comes out in agony.
But what do they care? They laugh and scorn -
Other hearts will bleed and mourn.
It's near impossible to tell
Who's from heaven with their echoes of hell.
Gossip-grieve, they bury the corpse
Of Demon child they killed with thoughts.

When sin is birthed, then it is death.
I was slain on their whispered breath.
Their 'loving concern' behind my back -
So like the Master, isn't that?
Forget the good - and who will be
The first to throw a stone at me?
Throw her back to the darkness - you'll see
Only Demon child inside of me.

The devil's near to claiming his prize -
She's overcome by Demon eyes.





In constant war you cannot see,
There's death that lives and life killed for me.
You don't care, but I am free.
I'm God's own child. He died for me.
I don't have logic or wisdom or words.
My head is stupid and my love is cursed.
But somehow, there's One Who lives for me.
I'm God's. I'm loved. I'm safe. I'm free.

Tick, Tock

Tick, tock.
Tick, tock.
Listen to the little clock.
Telling us the time has come
To go to sleep.

Close your eyes and listen hard.
Another second has gone by.
A clock chimes out as you sit and stare
Another note floating in the air.
Reaching up to grasp it
But it's flown way up high...

You talk and laugh and wonder
What your life will be like.
But with careless gaiety
And ceaseless verbosity
As you're waiting for life to begin
You're already taking the hike.

The minutes that are ticking by
Are the ones you must count right now.
For those tickings are the seconds
That form the chains and bonds
That make your life what it is
What you reap is what you sow.

Don't while away the hours
In endless dreams-to-be
Now is the time worth grasping
For it's the only one sure of having.
You can hope for the future but don't
Forget to use now faithfully.

Cuckoo, cuckoo!
Little bird is telling you -
'Close your eyes, another night -
And go to sleep.'


Nursery Rhyme ~ Unknown
In between ~ Jane Johnson

Broken Life

When you're sitting on the ground and ashes are falling round,
You look up, blinking against the light, and wonder at the sound
For in the soft and crumbly snowing grey is the sound of music
And your choice is to take it in, or wrap up and refuse it...

It's hard to explain, in the emptiness of life's dreams,
Sitting, staring at the walls, so stark and bare and clean;
The colour's gone and they are empty; torn shreds hanging on the nails...
You wonder how the smile begins and sit to write the tale...

For it's a broken life, full of so many smashed up things,
A father, brother, lover gone; how can you find the hope to sing?
The question is not why, you see, but how these things can be.
I know the why - that's because of God, Who always has been holding me.

Surrounded by the prayers of many, lifted on the wings of faith,
I raise my voice in song and find the strength to smile again.
The miracle of the overcomer is somehow in my soul,
And deep within my heart I know that God will someday make me whole.

For it's a broken life, full of so many smashed up things.
But each day there's God, Who always a new hope can bring.
It's where your eyes are fixed, what your ears hear that count...
Can your eyes see only ashes, or can you hear the song that calls the dance?